Been on NoFap for years and compulsions only got worse, perhaps here I'll find some help

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by aLadInsane, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Hi everybody. I am 16 and I've masturbated since I can remember, basically. When I was 11 or so I started watching porn and after about a year or so it became the perfect compulsive behaviour for me to relieve my axieties and paranoias on multiple times a day.
    At 12 or 13 I also realized I was bisexual and I really didn't know what to make of it. I now fully accept it ,and all of my family wholeheartedly supports me, but it was at that point that things got freaky as shit. I was so confused and my hormones acted on me in such weird ways that, at like 12, for a couple of months, I casually had my dog penetrate me, several times, and I even sucked on him. Yeah I sucked my dog's dick after taking it in the ass before I even really hit puberty. That is something I'll remember for all of my life.
    After that, shemales became the norm for me. I was then that I found out about NoFap, joined and in years I never really got past 2 or 3 weeks once and I would "relapse" almost every day for months yet I still was heavily active on the site. I think that it was part because I really didn't care too much, partly because I had a really unsettling, yet normal looking from the inside, family situation (my mother was nuts but it was what I always knew so I took it for a standard and that caused most of my problems. By behaving the way she did she poisoned me), and I must say partly because on NoFap there is a big part of really toxic, circlejerk-ish approaches to the matter that range from simply broscience to ideas even more pathological than porn addiction itself, full of begote repression of the self and founded on the concept of guilt and sin. Even there I always lied about most things for shame and fear of judgement, which means I was just lying to myself, and I think the constant confusion caused by this, the ideas that were hammered down in my mind from toxic side of nofap and simply, discovering my sexuality inside of this "double hell" actually worsened my insecurities, and my porn usage skyrocketed right from that moment.
    When I realized this, I quit nofap and tried to go my own way with quitting porn. For a while it seemed to be working but it all came back. I ended up watching my fair slice of sissy hypno. Never really got so into it like I've heard other people say but that shit is so powerful I think it really is killing my self-esteem and making me question my very sexual identity even though there is no real reason to do so other than having seen more girls with a penis than with a vagina at this point.
    I started crossdressing, which I really believe is fun and I genuinely love it, like, I would have got to it even in a world without porn, to me it is no more than a matter of, let's say, aesthetic taste, and I'm not ashamed of it... however, when you spend the whole night sending pics and vids of you in feminine clothes to random guys in 5 different Telegram incognito chats at the same time, saying that you're a slut and literally asking to be destroyed and degrading yourself in every way instead of sleeping is a problem. Secting on telegram is one of the most addictive and hardest to beat sides of my addiction, because for a little it makes me feel appreciated and considered, no matter how soulless, pathetic and desperate, but this is independent from crossdressing, I've been doing it since a long time, asking random guys to meet and fuck only to block them and delete the chats and the app immediatly after ejaculating.
    My father was a drug user for 10 years, before he had my older sister, and the dynamics and mechanisms of porn in general, but more than that sexting with strangers in particular reminds me so much of what he told me about cocaine it's unbelievably scary. It's something your brain just plain LOVES and the first few times, you might even benefit from it, except almost immediately you keep going for more, more and more, you do things you'd have never thought you'd do to satisfy that need, but it's really never enough, and after you climax, you feel so sick it makes you want to die. But it grips you in a loophole where everything starts to look impossible without it.
    I even got in a child porn loop a few months ago but luckily that still seems disgusting enough to me it ended almost immediately. I watched stuff with fucking newborns. And i masturbated on it. That was so horrifying it seemed I really was quitting after it but in a like week I was back to spending hours on shemale porn.
    I'm really fucking disturbed by it all at this point but can't do anything but keep on watching.
     
  2. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Holy fucking shit. People are probably not responding to you because they can't fathom how fucked up your mind probably is at such a young age, however I won't cast you to the side (at least, not yet). In light of your background information, I've found that people who like the tranny genre have a strong inclination towards drugs. Whether inherited or environmental, these people tend to do drugs of some form. There's an artificial aspect to drugs as there is an artificial aspect to trans porn.

    The function of both is to mask things. Could be something very deep seated within your life that you have been struggling with since very young or something else like that.

    I want you to save yourself before you become a narcissist. Seriously bro. Seriously. Please don't let this fester. Move out to another family members house if need be (make up a bullshit excuse), or get involved in something in school. Hell, work out, do something. What you could be dealing with is a lot of loneliness too. I cannot save you. Save yourself bro. You can do it.
     
  3. doanl

    doanl Member

    What hit me the most was the profound sincerity your words carry. When I first read your post, I simply could not come up with anything to say that could help you, but your words kept on going back and forth through my head, especially the bravery in admitting what you did, or what you saw.
    Sadly, things that cannot be unseen, nor forgotten, do exists.

    Was this the first time you opened up on telling to anybody what have you been through?
     
  4. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    I did. I live with my father and his family (I have two halfsisters) and even if we are a lot in a tight space, I think there could not be a better house for me. The only part of my family that hates everyone is my mothrr, but I own my mental sanity to her parents. They are wonderful people as well. Dedicated to me like I was their child.
    Yes. No one knows about my porn addiction. There's a mental block that won't let me talk about it. It's the only thing I actually hide from everyone. With my father I'malways complrtely sincere except for this.
     
  5. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Welcome.

    There's a guy who posts under the name "hooked on monkey phonics" over at Reboot Nation (am I allowed to mention other boards?) that knows a lot of stuff on the crossdressing/sissy parts, and you might like reading what he has to say.

    You're a smart guy, for sure. I will pick my words carefully because I don't want to talk down or be dismissive, but here goes: I think you're too young to know who you are sexually absent of porn. If you had porn in your life (and possibly real life trauma) before hitting puberty, it will make it seem like everything you're experiencing is "natural". I'm a lucky one because I'm 36, and when I was your age (see, this is the "old man tone" I'm trying to avoid) all I had was dial up, and very rarely found porn because it was on the family computer. Maybe you are genuinely bi-sexual, but maybe you aren't. I see lots and lots of guys on here who think they're seriously effed up and have things deeply ingrained that are in fact just the product of over use of porn. The whole "tranny" genre is a great example. I don't say this to be dismissive, but to give optimism. You won't know your real self until porn is a memory, and then when you meet your real self you'll feel so much better. None of this is [insert your name]. That is why you feel like two people.

    Depending on where you live and your medical situation, a therapist could be a good option. The early life stuff, the emotional parts, those always have the deepest hooks on us with addiction. Even if we didn't have real emotional trauma that brought us to the addiction, once we're there, those hooks still go deep. Maybe you can't afford it, maybe there aren't any good ones in your area, but if it is an option, it could be a valuable tool that you're not using. Plus, the advice you'll get on these boards tends to be aimed towards guys who got hooked on porn purely from teenage curiosity, and real trauma goes over heads very quickly.
     
  6. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    I absolutely need and want to undergo therapy but It's really hard to do since the only person that has the legal authority to give a therapist the permission to start a therapy on me is my mother, and she refuses to acknowledge I exist since I went to live with my father.
    Believe me though, I know for sure I'm bisexual. I feel genuine phisical and romantic attraction for men just like for women, and it's not hypersexualised or obsessive at all. It was apparent even before I started watching porn but I just didn't recognize it.
    And I'm pretty sure there's two people too, but one of them happens to have a problem with porn, which obviously brings out further the differences between these two parts of mine and makes them significantly harder to control. I've been told by other people, who know nothing about porn addiction, that I work in ways that make it seem like I switch between two different people, or ways of thinking, or whatever you wanna call em
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019
  7. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Okay, cool. I'm happy that you're in better living conditions than you used to be in. So your mom is bat shit crazy, huh? Was your childhood rough because of her?

    I want to further expound on something though man; narcissism. Forgive me if I sound blunt or anything like that -- I spend a lot of time trying to craft my words correctly but oftentimes it just ends up sounding less emotional anyway. I have an intuition that is telling me you are on the path of becoming a narcissist, or you will if you keep up the crossdressing stuff. Or that you'll transition yourself. I don't fuck with it, but I've read stories/studies about that stuff. In a lot of them the compulsions to dress up and shit like that become so great and they want others to see them that way that they change themselves accordingly and that breeds a lot of mental illness. Be careful, man.
     
  8. doanl

    doanl Member

    Wow. That's absolutely bullshit. Is there anything you can do to circumvent this? Or is it some sort of law that you must obey because of the nation where you live? Like, what if you come up offering good old cash money to be audited? Will it still be a problem if you are underage?

    I truly understand the mental block. At the very moment only one person in my life knows about this, and it's not been easy to make her understand what the problem is and why is it a problem in the first place. Even after opening up I felt even worse than before.
    It's not easy, looking someone in the eyes and telling him/her what your nature truly is. You feel like you lied to the world, and the more the person is close to you, the more guilty you feel about it.
    Still, it's something that makes reality crash onto you.

    I'm not trying to convince you to hide this forever to people in your life. Just be prepared to confront the idea that they might not understand where your suffering is coming from, and that they might ask questions that you didn't expect or can't answer yourself.
    Surely, your father deserves to know why his son is suffering. From the description you made of him, he is most likely to understand you and your pain. Maybe don't go all in all at once, but explaining the main problem (how you think pornography is ruining your mental health, why is it comparable to drug usage and how all the chemistry works) might be something.

    Just do it when you think you are ready, don't rush anything. The main thing I'm learning here is that there is a lot of time of willpower and strength ahead of us to experience the mental freedom we are looking for.
     
  9. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Agreed, there must be a way. I've found that often when you call place a receptionist will give you the short, lazy answer "you need you mom's signature" or whatever, and the other options just aren't explained. I'm not sure if it is an insurance thing (her insurance plan?) or if it is a release thing since you're a minor, but 16 seems old enough that there must be some affidavits or whatever where you could make this happen. Sometimes it just means pushing a bit harder on the phone. Besides, your dad must be a legal guardian as well if you're living with him, unless there is some situation where he renounced paternity earlier in your life or whatever... I'm not a lawyer, but it just seems like someone stonewalled you too soon on this. I'd look into it again.
     
  10. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    May father has alway legally been a stranger to me. They had a very bad breakup before I was born. That's why my father never had the courage to take the deserved legal actions on my mother because of this. My maternal grandparents and my father are actively trying all they can to find any kind of help for me, whether in public or private, but it seems there is no way to. I live in italy by the way, where dumb bureaucracy reigns supreme and undisputed.
     
  11. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Listen, I know it sounds, well, kinda off, but here's the thing. No man or woman, conciously or unconsciously, is ever just a man or just a woman. I have feminine side that's a little more expansive than most people's, but I am a man and don't wish to be anything else. I'm prpbably glad I was born a man too, because if I were a woman and lived the life I lived with ny mother it'll probsbly be worse.
    I don't think I could ever become a self-centered person, firstly because I deeply suffer every time I do wrong to others, secondly because I grew up with one and I know how much of an hell for oneself it actually is. But for that same reason, it's like I've been poisoned and sometimes the poison comes out, so even if I try to care the more than I can about others, I lose focus about what's really better for everyone, but every time I do so I get explained why it's wrong by my father and stop doing so. I am lucky, because in this its seems that I'm "good" by nature and try as much as I can, but a good spirited nature is not enough to be a good person, for anybody. I still need to learn what I didn't in the past 15 years: how to automatically start every thought and action with the premise of being humble.
     
  12. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Your point about narcissism stikes me particularly, because I grew up with an all-out narcissist and I know what it's like.
    When I'm "in myself", I try to do everything I can for others, I'm lucky because it's something that comes very easy for me, but attother times, It's like I've been poisoned, and, sometimes, that poison's still got to get out of my sistem in some way. I was never taught what being humble is, so I can lose focus of what's my role in my flock and what's better for everyone at times. And it's what makes me suffer, more than anything else. Being good spirited is never enough to be a good person, you gotta learn how to do that. You gotta learn not only to see and acknowledge that others exist, but to watch them and acknowledge what's inside. Now, I have someone alongside me who was arrogant, and self destructive, throught most of his life, and at one point had to take and incredibly painful, ice-bath of humbleness in order to, literally, keep on living, so every time I misbehave, knowingly or not, I have someone that know exactly what button to push to make me stop, and make me learn.
    I feel your argument as very important and very close to me, but I'm quite positive it is not the case.
    As for the crossdressing, here's my view. No man is just a man and no woman is just a woman. In general, androginy, as in freely embracing your innate qualities that are usually associated with the other sex, is a sign of mental healthfulness. I have a particularly expansive and extrous feminine side, but holy fuck I do NOT want to be a woman. It's totally not what I am. People have liked to crossdress in entirely different ways for entirely different reasons, since hundreds of years. I'm a bisexual male who sonetimes enjoys dressing up as a woman just like other people enjoy dressing up elegantly, others with torn up jeans and leather jackets full of zips, others only in black. And I'm proud of that. But, man, I'm still a man, and I'm entirely happy with that. My personality is unmistakably masculine, as a whole. I just have sensibilities most people don't have, which, if you know when and how to use, just result in a wider palette for what you can be and what you can do for others.
    It didn't came out of porn, It's something that always intrigued me, even as a child. Porn usage twisted it just like it twists and brings up the worst of anything sexual that's on your mind.
    And by the way, I think if I were born a woman, the life that I had would have impacted me in even more negative ways.
     
    Mekkeren likes this.
  13. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    I remember back in the 80s and 90s when "getting in touch with your feminine side" was a circulating cliche, and really that became a thing because our ideas of manhood and womanhood were just too narrow. Being a good man involves humility, gentleness, patience, and all sorts of other virtues that we might otherwise consider "feminine". Likewise, a woman isn't "manly" if she exhibits assertiveness, strength, ambition or resilience, she merely possesses those attributes. A strong mother who is the head of her household is very feminine, and a gentle, kind guy like Mr. Rogers is very masculine. These are big issues we won't solve on this board, but just keep an open mind as you go through a reboot. The internet, and porn especially, give us a very narrow, warped view of what sexuality is. Also, I really would check out that other board: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=17154.0 That guy knows more than probably anyone else I'll ever meet about the whole cross dressing phenomenon.

    Sorry to hear that Italian gov't is the problem here. It sounds to me like your family could really use some good legal council on a number of issues to get some stuff done. In many states in the US, with things that normally need a person to be 18, there are often side streets and alternate ways to get things done at younger ages, so here's hoping that something comes up that can get you some help. Perhaps there are non-governmental places that can help, non-profits, the Church, something like that? Just a thought.
     
  14. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    I'm not talking about that. Those are qualities belongung to any reasoning person of any sex. I simply believe everyone's consciously or unconsciously got some kind of sensual sensitiveness that goes outside of basic ones dictated by his physical sex and hormones.
    The guy's story is very similar to mine, I'll admit it, but I really do believe a balance can be found, after I'll have detoxed from porn of course. I mean, it's not something I'd ever want to do by myself, that's basically watching porn without watching porn, but if I ever meet someone I like that happens to be into it, I'd do that. I want to be the man I am and get laid on that basis, but sometimes I'd love to act out a woman's role too, if I get the chance. I don't find me as a woman arousing, I find the idea of PLAYING a woman very fun. It's not something that's inconsistent with my personality. I've always had a very straight-forward masculine attitude to life but will sometimes burst out with girly sentences, gestures and ideas. I just feel I'm made this way and just have got to find a healthy way to express this.
    By the way we got all kinds of legal council and by close people working in mental health and tried all public structures we could find only to be horrified by those running them.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2019
  15. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Well, best of luck to you, and don't give up hope, though I say that not diminishing the challenges and disappointments you've experienced.

    I don't think there is much point in us getting too deep into gender theory at this point, but I will just say again to keep an open mind. Having gone through a reboot and witnessed many reboots on here, you just can't know what is on the other side for you. It isn't unheard of for guys on here to get into gay porn, getting gay prostitutes online, and then quit porn to realize their homosexual tendencies melt away. I'm not saying that everything other than total straight sexual desire is porn induced (that is ridiculous, and can be disproved in an instant), but it does show that at this point we can't reasonably overestimate the power porn has on us, especially for those of us who got hooked before hitting puberty. And, specifically talking about reboots, sometimes fixating on these things can be strong triggers, and it can be helpful to just go into "monk mode" for a while and let things clear out. I know the stress levels run high and at this point that might be too much white knuckling for you, but it might be a wise goal in the medium term.

    Also, does every Italian 16 year old write in English as well as you do? Crazy.
     
  16. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Well, currently "monk mode" is one of my goals. Not in life, masturbation without porn isn't more addictive or harmful than coffee, and while still being disgusting, even porn itself wasn't, before high speed internet porn. However, I'm totally sure I need a period of complete abstinence from all my habits other than porn (masturbation, weed, cigarettes and coffee) not because they're effectively harming me (except cigs those can't ever do any good, for anything, to anyone), but for the simple fact that, when something, anything becomes a habit, sooner or later it has to be quit for some time in order to better understand yourself and the root and effects of your habits, then proceed to decide freely to keep them or not and if they stay, how you can apply them better to fit your life. Life is a continuos path of cutting out compulsions. I have been very damaged by some of mine, so it's mandatory to abstain from all for a while. It'd be completely crazy now to "just quit" and start pretending I'm perfect, and would lead me to a distastrous relapse. But as long as I stay away from porn I know I'm on the right path.

    By the way no, we're one of the worst contries at learning other languages because we're not taught english seriously since kindergarten just like any other developed country, until sixth grade or even high school it is not taught like it should be. I just hapoened to have interests (movies, music, comics) and an internet connection and realized my interests could not be fullfilled from material in my language only so I started reading stuff in english trying to understand until one day I realized I could speak it without ever opening a grammat book at school. It's an incredibly intuitive and so simply structured language.
     
  17. doneatlast

    doneatlast Active Member

    Well, if you can teach yourself English, you can figure out a reboot. It seems many who speak English as a first language struggle to be coherent and figure out basic spelling and grammar, so it is no small feat. Italy can't be worse than the US for not teaching foreign languages, though since Ancient Italian (Latin) perpetuated for centuries after it was a dead language, I guess it does say something about Italians being stubborn about language!

    You'll find varying opinions on quitting porn and masturbation vs. just quitting porn. The pro masturbation people will tell you (well, first that they probably don't like being called "pro masturbation people") that they can masturbate just to real memories or sensations, but my feeling is that if you have a memory from several years ago of getting to third base, after reliving it in your head over and over, it is basically porn that only you can see in your mind's eye. A movie that is based on a true story is still just a movie, it doesn't mean what you see on the screen isn't just light and shadow. I occasionally see people posting that they've quit porn for a long, long time but haven't "recovered", and often (but not always) it will turn out that they are still masturbating. But, do some reading and come to your own conclusions. My own opinion is masturbation has to go.

    Thinking you'll quit all at once will make you crazy. You're right about that. It will also discourage you and make you feel like garbage. Set sensible goals. Are you a twice a day guy? Get down to once a day. See if you can skip days. For many of us, there is a certain day of the week (usually Saturday or Sunday) that are hardest, so you can see if you can get through Monday-Friday, or whatever the easier days are and deal with the harder ones down the road. Those small steps help you slowly rewire, gain perspective about your triggers and what puts you in danger of relapsing, and puts tools in your toolbox. When you do relapse, get back on as quickly as you can. I wasted YEARS by "taking breaks" from rebooting; I'd relapse, decide I'd give myself a break, binge quite a bit to "get it out of my system" (it never works that way), and then any progress I'd gained would be lost. Once I hit a point where I vowed to get back on the wagon as soon as possible, I saw steady improvements and less than a year later I was porn free.

    Weed and alcohol contribute to hypofrontality and a desire to heavily indulge in pleasures, and giving those up will be productive. If you can't give everything up, I'd worry about cigarettes and coffee later. I am a big coffee drinker, and I never noticed correlations with my reboot, except maybe that sleepless nights could be a trigger for some.

    A last thought for this post - you have a very busy mind, and often addictions hit people with busy minds because they need a way to turn it all off and relax. Otherwise the busy mind turns into tension and anxiety. You might be one who benefits from relaxation techniques, meditation, or even exercise. Maybe I'm wrong, but someone as smart as you and picks up languages in his spare time likely has that kind of a brain.
     
  18. aLadInsane

    aLadInsane New Member

    Alright, with porn it went to five a day at times, but if it's about masturbating I usually do skip days and try to only use that as a wild card when I'm really really fed up (like, had a hard day, did my work, I'm tired and hwapy, but cannot sleep... reading and valerian does not seem to work... I don't think I'm doing anything wrong if, without hurrying, I take some time for myself alone, I find that very pleasing and usually puts me to sleep in a good mood, and I noticed no effects in the way I wake up. I mean I think that is just the way people work, and even before porn was invented boys my age usually fap a lot more so I think it's something pretty much harmless. Alcohol is not something I consume regularly at all, I will crack my one or two beers when dining at friends house but that has a specific context and purpose... On the matter of weed, is something that's part of daily life for my father. For long period, when I was pretty much at rock bottom, I smoked as much as him as a coping mechanimineonly to realize that, while it is not actively hurting you, it is just not something that's useful at all at my age. He's 47 and has his good reasons for his usage, but at my age it's just unpractical. Again, not something compromising, but it's much better to use it sparingly like I'd behave with a beer at a friend's party once in a while. It just makes it more enjoyable and you feel like it has a point.
    Being completely honest, it's still daily since I'm on holiday and a little stressed, but it's limited to a couple, let's say, "releasing" puffs after dinner and a couple others before my father goes to bed.
    I think it has its place in my personal routine as it is something my brain seems to be very capable of using correctly, there's people who have a particularly well prepared mind for it and seem they only benefit from taking in some THC through their life, and I'm the child of two of them so I think I'm one of those. But of course, everything must find its right time and place, and abstaining helps you locate it better for sure.
    I stayed without for a week on a school trip and it actually felt quite nice , therefore, I strongly intend on further reducing my usage during summer and cut it completely during weekdays when school starts, because I know that'll just work better when I'll be required do work.
    I would benefit a lot from exercise and that's another goal of mine, but it's really FAR too hot to start working out as someome who's not used to it. At night when I can't sleep I go running and I discovered it's an incredibly cool thing, but because of said heat, I can only do it in those few fresh night hours.
    Tasks like watering your garden, doing the dishes and cleabing up where you live seem like a good form of meditation to me (exercise too seems to be so, too, it is perhaps the best). There's just something about automatic gestures that makes you think about other things better.
     

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