Becoming a person again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by kees, Nov 21, 2012.

  1. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    After encounters with women (I don't think the women thought of it as encounters, more as passing a random stranger, or if it was indeed an encounter more as having a normal conversation with someone) I used to evaluate that manually. If you get my drift.
    Now I don't do that anymore. I have removed the link between seeing women and instant gratification afterwards.
    So there's no need for new input now. New input (looking at women in a sexual way) has become just a burden. It was ofcourse always a burden, but it did have a pleasurable side to it.
    No more. Just a burden now.

    With that in mind, I went to the supermarket with a new mindset. My goal was to look at women as little as possible.
    For the first ten minutes or so, I was doing really fine. I was focusing on the groceries.
    Then I saw a woman with a really nice face. Even looking at her face sent extra blood to my brain. Or less, I don't know how that works.
    Without rationalizing it anymore my penis decided that I could make an exception for really beautiful women.
    So there was another woman that needed my attention.
    When I was outside, packing my car, I saw this woman passing in some sort of a Yoga-outfit. (With a small jacket on top of it ofcourse.)
    I thought: "For crying out loud".
    Then I thought: "This is going too far again. What's happening? Relax dude, it's just an ass, nothing more nothing less. I can't comment on it and I can't touch it". These thoughts calmed me down quite a bit.
    Why is she wearing those clothes anyway? Perhaps she likes to be seductive to men, perhaps she just likes to dress leisurely and is not aware of the effect that it has on (some?) men. It doesn't matter she has the right to dress that way and the problem is in my head.

    So with the not so pretty women (physically, just to my opinion ofcourse and perhaps they are wonderful on the inside) it went well not looking at them. With the women I find attractive: not yet so well. I have a lot of work there ahead of me. I still have a hypersexual mind that sees women as walking vaginas. I have to slow down my mind.
     
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Well said Kees,

    I dropped my wife off at work in a town about 30 min south of our very small town, went to have soup at a restaurant before a business meeting, the two girls working at the restaurant were cute, could be my daughters, no problem. Driving away a middle age woman , closer to my age was walking on the sidewalk wearing a short tight jacket and yoga style tights(leggings) I had to force myself not to stare, those type of pants reveal everything , shape-wise. Of course she has a right to wear anything she wants and I respect that, I have a right to look and think whatever I might about her, but I can control those thoughts and emotions, this does not have to be a "trigger" that sets me off on PM when I get home. What is that expression "deal with it".

    Thanks, stay strong
     
  3. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks F., that was exactly like my experience today and you think the same thing about it.
    There will be no lightning from the sky when we take a quick peek at her, but this musn't result in a frenzy.
     
  4. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    I'm having a peaceful morning, two and a half weeks after I started.

    By the way: Every weekend I try to spend as much time as possible with my family. So I may not answer to replies for a couple of days then.
     
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hey Kees- stay strong man, enjoy your time with your family, that's part of what this is all about. Our good relationships with others especially those we love.

    Be well brother.
     
  6. EJSpen

    EJSpen New Member

    Thanks Kees for your honesty man. You're an asset to the board. I'm new too and have the same thoughts you do. We just need to give our brain a little time to rewire.

    We can do it.

    EJ

    ...
     
  7. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi kees,

    Hope all is peaceful in your part of the earth and most importantly within yourself. I am finding more peace each day and each step. I am glad you reminded me of the simple concept-Peace.

    Thank you.
     
  8. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks guys. We can do this indeed! Yeah, we rock!

    Things are indeed quite peaceful in these parts of the world. I have often taken that for granted, but I am finally grateful for that.
    In myself, it's quite peaceful too. After 5 weeks of no booze and 3 weeks of no porn, I feel like a different person already.
    It's been difficult in the beginning, but untill now I've never been really tempted. I know that I'm doing the right thing. Going back is not an option.

    I used to hate people, but I'm not hating them anymore.
     
  9. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    I didn't realize you're killing two birds with one stone. Congratulations on your progress. Keep it up. One day at a time.
     
  10. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    All the power to you -kees

    I have the utmost respect for you battling these two issues. You the man.
     
  11. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Hi Kees,

    nice to hear from your progress. I have also some problems with drinking too much, but now it seem to go better: I sit down with my wife, both having some sips of red wine, and then going to bed. This night I slept the whole night through - somethig which didn't happen a long time ago.
     
  12. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks for the compliments everyone.

    Yeah, it's funny. I used to have a drinking problem. I wasn't a real alcoholic (according to the definitions), but still I depended on it. I was really grumpy when I missed out on my drinking-hour due to obligations.
    Now, I've quit totally and I don't have a problem anymore. I would still have a problem when I would allow myself an occasional drink. Let's say only on saturdays and birthdays. I would have to choose every time: Can we call this a "saturday"? Is my hamsters birthday birthday enough?
    This weekend I was at a party. It was difficult to see other people drink, but I managed to get by. When I felt tempted, I started reading about alcoholrelated cancer and other problems on my smartphone. That worked quite well.

    My goal is really to become less of an addict, generally. I still have a mild coffee-addiction ofcourse, but that's different.
    It was easier for me to quit both "drugs" (almost) at the same time. Otherwise I would have run the risk of compensating for the loss of drinking with porn.
     
  13. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

  14. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    That cartoon is spot on!

    I benefit a lot from humour too. Do you like movies with Peter Sellers?
     
  15. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Peter Sellers, oh -kees- you touched on a brilliant man. Nice of you to mention his name, his movies always made and make me feel good.

    Glad you are well brother.

    I avoid alcohol, personally. I have always feared drinking and that I might not be able to control it. My father was a severe alcoholic and I grew up with him from age 6 and no mother. So I am pretty sure alcohol free is the best for me.

    Stay strong.
     
  16. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Well, I've had quite a bit of alcoholism in the family too. I've really had my share of it. I drank thousands of liters of beer and now it's enough.
    It's nice how you american people like to use the word "brother". We totally don't do that here in The Netherlands. But I like the idea.

    I had a difficult day yesterday, but no time to write about it.
    I saw a real lot of beautiful women during the day. Also: Don't watch "Grounded for life". Man, is that sitcom about boobies.
    I have a rule: if I get aroused by things, this may not be followed by MO. (I do allow myself some MO periodically, but only when I'm totally relaxed.) I'm doing well with that rule, but it does mean that I can walk around all day with a blurry head. Yesterday was one of those days. I got very tired of all the things I had seen and couldn't "evaluate manually".
    My wife wanted to go out, but I was too tired for that. I didn't feel fine about that.
    Today things are going better again.
     
  17. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi -kees,

    Sorry, I don't know why I use the term brother so much when I write here, I only mean it in a good way. Funny, you mentioned american people use that term, I am actually Canadian. I realize to Europeans - that Canadians are probably pretty similar to Americans, our family has lots of European in our background, anyway, it does not matter where we come from just where we are heading on this PM free pathway.

    Stay strong- "brother"
     
  18. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Hi F,

    Sorry I called you American. ;)
    I like Canada very much. I've been there on vacation once. I found the atmosphere very friendly. Also I enjoyed the food (though not everything was good for me).
    Unfortunately it's an eight hour flight from here and that's quite expensive.

    Yes, to a lot of Europeans, Canada and Nort-America, well they don't see a lot of difference probably. The same with Americans probably; Europe is one melting pot.
    I've seen some Michael Moore movies, so I know there are quite some differences already.

    I would like to know where your ancesters came from in Europe, but that would probably mean too much exposure for you. Too much recognizable data. So forget it.

    You're right: we are on the same path, that is what matters. And it doesn't matter where you come from, wether you're handicapped or not and whatever more.

    Please use the phrase brother whenever you like. It's cool. I'm sorry I mentioned it.

    You stay strong too brother
     
  19. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    I changed my screen-name in to a more easy pronouncable name for most guys than it was. I didn't want to be the only one with a dutch name, that sounds like geezer or something in your language.
    But ofcourse you can still call me "kees" [case] if you like.
     
  20. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    I applaud the fact that you began with determination and now have momentum.
     

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