Becoming a person again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by kees, Nov 21, 2012.

  1. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    After almost thirty years of porn I've decided to quit my addictions. I consider myself a pretty smart guy and I've tried to stop before, but not succesfully despite or because of my brains.
    My name "kees" is dutch and is pronounced as "case".
    I'm in considerable backpain and can not write for too long, but I really wanted to write as much as I can, to get some of my chest.

    On the first of november I quit drinking. I didn't want to be an addict anymore. I'm in a (small) therapeutical program for that.
    I often wanted to stop with porn as well, but it's really hard to get in a program for that without telling your wife and I have bad experiences with that.
    Well, my wife went away for the weekend and I was busy with porn for many hours. Afterwards ofcourse I had a terrible hangover.
    After that (second) weekend in november, I decided that if I was going to stay of the booze, I also didn't want to be a sex-addict anymore.
    After reading a lot about it, mainly on the site, I am now convinced that the only way for me is not looking at porn ever again.
    At first I felt really weird about that. Porn has become so normal for most people that it's like giving up breathing. It's as normal as drinking alcohol to most people.
    I told my best friend about my desire to stay clean and he was really lame about it. Asking me if Jesus was my saviour now and all that.
    I first didn't think I was gonna do it, but after a few days I told my wife I was never going to watch porn again. Then she asked me: Oh, did you do that a lot? Well, I lied by saying that it wasn't really a problem for me, but that I was doing well now with the not-drinking and that I wanted to feel even better by not using other drugs as well.
    I'm sorry for my bad english, but I'm dutch so this is not my native tongue. To my knowledge there isn't a similar site as this in the netherlands (yet). I should probably start one. But again: Pretty bad experiences with telling a former girlfriend about my problems. I still like to have normal sex with my wife in the future, so I'll stick to the not-so-creepy picture she has of me.
    I'm totally honest here though. I guess you have to be honest somewhere.
    Oh, and I've told my alcohol-therapist about it. But she's not specialized in this and stuff, so there's not much place for this there. Also, she's a woman and that makes me a bit inhibited to tell about these problems.
    That's it for now, my back is killing me. It's gonna be hard to get out of this chair. There's one advantage to pain at this moment: It totally takes my mind of sex and booze.
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Kees,

    Your story is very well written, don't worry about a language issue.

    You are on a good path. I am a porn addict. I have never been an alcohol user because my dad was a severe alcoholic when I was a kid. You are a very strong person to deal with both but you are right they should both be your mission.

    I have told my wife and she is supportive. I have also shared my addiction with some friends they have all encouraged me, that helps end the "secret life" and bring it all out in the open.

    Please stay strong, be well. You are doing great!
  3. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks F, I needed to hear that.
    Good for you that you brought it out in the open. That sure must help you a lot.
    As I wrote, I told a portion of it to my wife. After the initial "Did you watch P then?", "Yes, I did, you know I did", "For how many minutes a week then?" "Well below average for married men", she responded well. I said: "You're kind of missing the point here, I'm QUITTING porn forever. That's good right? She said: "Yeah, that's fine". I told her that I wanted to insure that I wouldn't develope a problem with it, now with the not-drinking- alcohol-gap.
    Apparently that explanation was agreable, because she didn't press me for more info. But she's smart and I'm sure she had her thoughts about it. But she focused on the main thing: I was willing to stop it.
    We haven't had sex for quite a while, because of my backpain that has been there for a week. I told her that it wasn't going to happen for another week. Then she said yesterday: Oh youre probably going to have some M yourself then, behind a computerscreen? [Grin]
    I said: No, I'm not going to do that ever again, remember? And she: Oh yeah right. Followed by some happy humming.
    We talked about it some more, later that day. She was happy about it. She had always been a little insecure about me watching porn "sometimes". Ofcourse she was afraid I would compare her to the models. And let's face it: I did. Almost everyone does that I suppose.
  4. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!

    Yes, we must face it: Porn is the enemy, and everthing which triggers us towards it. This could be as well everyday sexy pics in catalogues and newspapers etc.

    Maybe it is helpfull to tell your wife about the changes in the brain through porn and about all the brave men fighting against it. Which means she should not look onto you as someone, who is doing strange things, but to recognize, that this is a problem to many, many men. And that you are rising out of the mass of losers and starting to be a winner. I didnt talk to my wife about exactly how much I PMOed, but I think she realized it somehow. And she saw already the some benefits and changes - after only two weeks.
  5. Guilt Ridden

    Guilt Ridden New Member


    Please stay strong! I have also felt the terrible shame and guilt that goes along with all that porn and sex addiction. This website is a great place for support.

    I am a sex addict as well and my addiction nearly tore my family apart. I almost lost my job, too. I've been a sex addict probably all my life, but never realized it until just this year when my wife and I went into marriage counseling. I wasn't sure at first, but once I read some material from Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), went to a few SAA meetings, spoke to my counselor, and put a lot of serious thought into it....I knew I was a sex addict. It all seemed so clear as I broke through some serious denial.

    I'm using SAAs 12-Steps to stay clear of my addiction and other bad behavior. It's been working for me and it might work for you. Don't let shame overcome is natural to feel it. But feel good that you have made a decision to take a stand against your addiction and take your life back. And know that there are people here on this website that do not care what you've done it the past...we are here to encourage you through your struggle. You are very brave to admit your faults and be so honest. In that step alone, you have come a long way. Just try to keep stepping in the right direction. Strive for progress, not perfection.
  6. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    That's a useful suggestion Youngoldie.

    And about
    This morning I was watching a documentary about carnaval in Rio. I thought: "Hey, it's a documentary, so it's like alcoholfree beer then."
    After a while my mind got blurred by all the women I saw in bikini. I started considering masturbating.
    Then I saw what was happening; it was PMO all over again. I quickly turned off the set and started doing something else to get my mind of it.
    I thought I was doing okay and that no damage had been done, untill I went to town on my bicycle and I felt like I wanted to have sex with every woman that was passing me. I had not felt that bad in days.
    It's really hard to not see any footage of women that is arousing; Yesterday I saw a comedy in which I saw breasts. Later I saw a talkshow. The musical intermezzo was with three women with really too much cleavage for me to handle.
    This morning I saw that documentary.
    I have another documentary on my recorder about the sexual/drugs revolution in the sixties. I recorded it a couple of days ago. I thougt it would be nice to know more about part of the root of our problems. But I'm pretty sure it will have lots of nudity in it, so I better erase it.
    Maybe there will come a day that I can look at such a documentary without getting confused. But, if ever, that day is far from now.
    I feel like some kind of orthodox christian looking the other way all the time.
  7. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    kees, you are correct. Everywhere we turn our eyes are going to fall on attractive and sexy women. It's tough but we are trying to re-work our neural pathways through different responses to the stimulus. I can't "look away" from beautiful women (my wife included) I just need to re-inforce a different reaction and train my brain to enjoy it's chemical hits from something positive...

    Like, good physical bonding behaviour with my wife. Good companionship with friends , family and people I encounter. Exercise. Creativity, Meditation and/or prayer, good old fashioned adrenaline activity like downhill skiing, cycling, motorcycling (just a few of my favorites). Helping other people. Taking the focus off ourselves and being aware of that beautiful woman and her "whole" person.

    The documentaries you were watching sound good, the stimulating "trigger" portion is a tough ride, I have been through that just like you. We can make it past these temptations. Strength brother! You have all the strength and courage you need!!!
  8. ezagent

    ezagent Guest

    Hey brother, I feel your pain. I also feel that honesty is the best policy. It's a tough one to come to grips with though. On the other hand, I don't agree with the 12 step philosophy of righting all my wrongs. Just make the change you need to make, let the shame dissipate, then decide for yourself what other corrective actions need to be taken. Maybe you can pray for help, if you believe in that and compromise by owning up to your behavior if asked directly, but if confessing unnecessarily will create problems, then ask yourself if letting people know on a need to know basis is good enough. Can you be more honest with your wife without divulging all the details?

    You have a lot to deal with. I wish you the strength to move forward.
  9. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    No, prayer ain't gonna work for me. :-\
    It's not like I have "sympathy with the devil", but I'm not a believer.
    Sometimes it seems nice to me to have a faith you can cling to in these times, but some aspects also don't appeal to me.
    So I have to do this on my own.

    Thanks everyone again for the comments. To keep this journal readable, I'd probably better not thank everyone personally all the time for commenting on my journal. But know that it's noted and appreciated if you hear nothing back.
  10. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!


    you don't have it to do completely on your own. All the good wishes, encouragements, blessings and prayers do help you - in a way we cannot check out completely. Just feel carried by good thoughts and powers from others. Its nothing which you must earn, only receive it.

    All the best!
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Sorry kees-

    I mentioned meditation and prayer in a list of suggestions I made. While prayer may work for me, I did not mean to suggest that everyone should use it or should even believe in a higher power. I am sorry, your personal beliefs and your right to make your own choices are very important I did not mean to suggest something that you might disagree with. I wish to be a helpful "friend" and not preach, but it was/is a tool that helps me.

    Please, believe I only wish the best for you in your journey.

    Be well brother.
  12. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks for clearing that out. But I wasn't offended or anything at all you know.
    Actually, meditation is a good suggestion for me. That could help me.
    But I'm reluctant to start it, because it's difficult to be alone with your feelings and thoughts.
    I sort of prefer no to think and go on and on with my work.

    I've had a difficult weekend. My wife loves watching sports on tv. And for instance with women skating, well that's really stimulating for me.
    The sensible thing for me, the next couple of months would be to go do something else. But sometimes I cant resist the temptation to watch it.
    At some point during the weekend it was time for us to have coitus. Having cut down on my masturbation, I was really pushing for this. My wife was offended by that.
    It took quite a bit of talking to overcome this thing.
    I learned from this that I shouldn't look at here so much as an opportunitie to get my fix. (I was still confused by the skating-women as well.)
    I have to focus more on the intimacy and less on the physical deed.
    We agreed that I don't have to worrie about my performance (keeping it erect) so much. It is more about being there.
  13. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    I agree brother, the ladies figure skating is a trigger. Please remember and read at YBOP, that even good intimacy with our wife can create a "chaser" or "hangover" and desire for more orgasms and release 1 or 2 days later. I find I must be very aware during that period of time.

    Stay well
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi kees-

    Thanks for the comment you made. Let's keep ourselves strong and walking this good path friend. It is so good for us to get away from what seems to many as just a natural type of thing- "high sex drive" . But you are right , we are junkies. We must face that and be honest.

    Please be strong, you are very courageous.
  15. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    I just came back from the supermarket. Totally in the red zone [Dog Whisperer].
    It's 90% women in the supermarket and then there's me, looking at them.
    I've quit porn two weeks ago, but I haven't quite quit looking at women. I thought that wasn't so bad.
    Well, I tried to make my self believe that it wasn't so bad for me. I just didn't want to give that up too.
    I live in suburbia. It's not that the women I see in the market are really attractive or wear sexy outfits.
    It's november, so they're dressed warm.
    Maybe it's the feromones.

    I just feel really lonely today. I have no appointments outside the house, so I'm pretty much alone till my wife comes back.
    I used to do stuff on the internet then, or drink a beer, or both, but I don't want either of them anymore.
    So know I'm alone with my feelings.

    Something else: Since many years I regularly have flashbacks of things I said to people. Sometimes the shame is so strong it makes me moan.
    My bucket of negative experiences is quite full. I wish there was a way to make it less full without dying.
  16. SeekingPeace

    SeekingPeace New Member

    Hi Kees,

    While we live on different continents and have different issues - I hear you and empathize. No prostitutes or exhibitionism in my life but that get where you are - don't judge you - and wish you well - stay with it!

    Mostly I appreciate your honesty and don't worry about your English - I understand you just fine. And I understand how powerful shame can be ... But I don't think it does much good, particularly on past transgressions ... Do your best to move on, forget, forgive yourself.

    As far as seeing women and being turned on - yes it is natural - but I have found this to have decreased over the 30 days so far of my reboot. While I find beautiful women fun to look at - I am learning to see them less as just beautiful women and more as people- @ McDonalds, or on the street, or in the airport - women who are people struggling like me - trying to live their life, keep a job, maybe raise a family or care for an old parent. Maybe they are struggling with addiction or heartbreak or whatever. I know I try very hard to hide my challenges from public view - I presume they are too. Seeing and thinking of women / people like this - even if they are beautiful or sexy - helps me see myself, and accept myself as this real but flawed person ... This is just one mans remedy - yes I look and admire - but I try to look and see or guess at more than just the boobs and butt ... that helps me keep a lid on things ...

    BTW - your wife sounds like a keeper - she knows some of where you are coming from and has not run away - keep loving and appreciating that one - it can do nothing but good.

    Last - if not prayer - then meditation - something that let's you tap the mystery of a larger reality - I think it helps - and I am not very religious person - just know I can't go it alone

    Again - stay with it - keep journaling
  17. youngoldie

    youngoldie Onwards comrades - we have to go back!


    after reading your entry, I got the urge just to give you a good message. Today I had felt a real peace in my life - not so much struggling, not so much fear to do the wrong things or to miss things. I felt carried from someone, and I felt free at the same time. Of course, this will not be every day the same.

    But I wish to send something to you, that you can receive - a blessing, a good wish, good thoughts or what else will help you. Think about a cloud from good things send to you from other persons and powers, wich will carry you.

    About your bad bucket: Many people believe, that there is a remedy for all bad things, which have happend. Try to catch that and forgive yourself as well.

    All the best for you!
  18. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Kees,

    I think you are doing great, love your comments observing the women at the market. We are hetero males we are going to "notice" women. We can't make the ladies invisible when we are out and I would not want to. But , we can choose not to "lust" after them. I know the word lust may send a moral type trigger but I think it is a good word.

    You mentioned pheromones and I think that is part of it, we do receive invisible signals and cues from the ladies that is how we were designed, we should not try to re-engineer our man-ness just get control of the "out-of-control" addiction to PM.

    You provide so much in the way of good points, good thoughts and good questions.

    Thanks , be well
  19. bcee

    bcee Guest

    Hi Kees,
    Sounds like you hold on to a lot of guilt about things that you may have done/said in the past. For some reason, I tend to do a lot of this as well. Not sure if it's an addiction all of it's own or what. I've often wondered if it was a coping mechanism to somehow justify or excuse my destructive behavior (porn, drinking, etc). I'm sure 50 years from now, there will be a label for people with our idiosyncrasies. For now, we have to figure it out the old fashioned way! :) Check out this link about guilt and the positive uses for it. It's helped me come to terms with some things I've beat myself up about for decades and decided in the past couple of years to forgive myself for and move on.

    I've recently read this saying and really like it. I think we can all benefit from its message. "Life is like a camera, just focus on what’s important. Capture the good times and focus on them. Develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take another shot at it"

    Best regards,
  20. kees

    kees Who took the cool out of the coolidge effect?

    Thanks guys. Your encouraging words really help.
    I read the new posts early in the morning. It's in the middle of the night in the States then.

    @Seekingpeace: Cool avatar. You mention meditation. I should probably get into that. But it takes going over a treshold. A good compromise between doing nothing and meditating is listening to Bob Marley I suppose.
    And my wife is definetely a keeper. She's the reason I quit porn in the first place. I don't want to risk my marriage anymore. (And there's ofcourse the psychological unstableness after every heavy porn-session.) I was a fool risking so much for so long. Can you imagine what a strong addiction this is?
    Everyone knows people who have young children and still smoke and drink. That's odd too. Why would you do those cancerous things. You want to see your children grow up don't you?
    It's the same with this sexthing. Every time (in the past) our sexbrain seized control and said: "To hell with everything, it's me-time."
    The difficulty is ofcourse that sex is not wrong per se. It can be very good. Just as you wrote that looking at women is not wrong per se.

    @youngoldie: I think you're right. Maybe I should forgive myself and move on.

    @fcjl8 (what a difficult name): Thanks for the pat on the back.

    @bcee: I've read the article on guilt. It's good.

    I need some more groceries today. This time I will try not to stare at women's asses all the time. I will try to look at their faces only. I think that is the best strategy at least untill I've rewired my brain a bit.

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