Hi everyone! My name is Antoine. 30 years old student of computer engineering. I am starting a new journal. I want the new journal to be a positive place, not a place where I constantly rant about my failings in life and such. There’s room for that but I don’t want it to be the main focus. The main focus is to beat porn addiction once and for all (I’m so tired of that shit). The ultimate goal is to learn to manage my life and be proactive about it. I want to be fully honest with myself and others. A man of integrity and action. This summer I progressed a lot compared to where I was just a few months ago. I still have a lot to learn, and my actions are not totally in line with the kind of man I want to be. The reason I progressed at all is because of pain. My girlfriend of 5 years left me because she couldn’t take my crap anymore. It hurt so bad (and still does) it felt I had been shot in the chest with a shotgun. I took whatever was at hand to patch it and started walking through fire and smoke. I had and still have to keep moving forward. Else it was all for nothing, and I can’t handle that. She must've been in so much pain herself. When it happened, end of April, I immediately started to take action. I found a job, joined a men group, reached out to old friends to see if we could hang out from time to time, started running again and now a month ago I started lifting weights. I finally started to take life seriously and not act as though I had unlimited time on this earth to procrastinate and masturbate all day. It still hurt like hell, but it hurts less and I’m afraid I’ll once again fall back in my shitty habits. I am so tired of that. I can’t do that anymore. One thing that stands out after this progress : I’m still struggling big time with Internet addiction and porn addiction. After an initial 1-2 months without porn during May and June, I slowly started to watch it again. Mid-July I started doing the recovery workshop on recoverynation.com because I knew the man I want to be doesn't watch porn and doesn't spend many hours in a row procrasturbating on the net. I’m at lesson 6 right now, procrastinating and I don't know wether it's a chicken and egg thing but it coincides with relapsing this week since thursday. When I take time to do the lessons, I find I take a proactive role in this battle, and everything becomes easier because I know why I’m doing it for. When I stop doing the lessons however, it becomes easier to shove my ideals under the rug and porn becomes increasingly enticing. My plan is to complete the lessons at a pace of one each day, as honestly as possible. I’m continuing university starting august 28th. My plan is to develop the skills to complete my courses efficiently. I need to learn to manage my time better. Porn and Internet addiction can’t be in the picture anymore. There’s too much at stake : my life. Moral is a bit of low right now after binging yesterday afternoon. My apartment is a mess, and I should probably start with that. Cleaning it up one thing at a time. I know for a fact I would feel better if there wasn’t all that mess around me. So, here I am! Thanks for reading. Let’s do this.