Becoming a complete human being

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NoDestination, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 3

    Smooth sailing. Mindfulness is working. Didn't had to use the "zoom-out" method.

    I started reading 5 tools (Phil Stutz, Barry Michels). I really like the introduction. You need tools to work in the present moment. You shouldn't have to re-traumatize yourself by digging in to the painful past.

    Like I am saying. Nobody is searching for life purpose (I think?) when quitting smoking. Nobody is digging into their past when when trying to quit PC gaming (I think?). Why should P be any different? It is about making a rational decision in a present moment not about healing past wounds or dealing with anxiety about the future.
     
  2. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I've never used this zoom-out method - I assume it involves imagining yourself zooming out from the video until you can no longer visualise it? Sounds like it could work for me.
     
  3. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    @Londoner Hey, man. Nah. I mentioned this a page or two back. I noticed that when I get deeply triggered. Where there is this massive physical sensation of horniness. I noticed urge surfing doesn't work me. It goes out the window. I just want to feel more physical pleasure. I noticed that all my focus just zooms-in to my groin. Both physically and mentally. This is where I STOP and remind myself to zoom-out. Bring back awareness to the whole body and put the physical sense of horniness into perspective. I imagine the cycle of relapse. I get triggered, I am very horny, then I get in this mental showdown for minutes of hours, should I relapse, should I not, why doesn't urge surfing work, the whole spiel, then I usually cave, relapse and feel regret. I try to visualize the whole cycle of relapse. Then I find it at times even trival to step out of this cycle. Walk away from the cycle of relapse. I just put a thing - horniness, that feeling of excitement before O from isolation (zooming in to my groin, and dealing with this in isolation) into the grander perspective - the relapse cycle. I find it almost impossible to let go of physical sensation of horniness and that anticipation of O. But when I put this into the whole picture. Trigger, Get horny, Mental struggle, relapse, regret. I find it at times even trival to walk away. I called this the zoom-out method.

    I don't need this. I don't need an orgasm. What I need is a happy life. Becoming a complete human being. This is what I need! I don't need to fucking PMO to some pixel on the screen. Just talking to a girls is infinitely better than PMOing alone.

    Guys, this mindfulness stuff really works if you go all in. A femdom scene came into my mind today. Wow. I could see it clearly how just fucked up the scene is. I don't need this. Trivial to let it go.
     
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 4

    Good morning! Wish everyone a good day!

    Before getting up. In bed. Got triggered about that hypno fetish stuff. Man this stuff is pretty strong. Before I knew it...again all my focus was in the groin and I want to feel more pleasure. More pleasure. This is the true nature of P. Just this anticipation of O. Then I just went STOP. Take a step back. Put the pleasure from isolation into context. Zoom-out see the big picture. Can I walk away from this? I can. I got up. Now I am making breakfast and writing this.

    Fuck, still feel a bit horny. Seeing thoughts as thoughts and letting them go. Each time I am horny I am surprised how hard this is.
     
  5. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Fucked up. Just wanted to feel pleasure. Didn't want to use mindfulness. Listened to one hypno fetish recording. Stopped. Then I MO'ed to vanilla fantasy.

    I am a bit on the edge.

    My lease expires in 1 month. I'll be clearing most of my stuff away over the weekend. Then I am "homeless" in August. Need to find an apartment until my trip to China. Still not planned.
    2 weeks vacations in Greece next week! Booked the flight but didn't booked the accommodation yet. I am looking at some AirBnB options.
    I so hate my job. The guys are great, the pay is good, low stress. But it is just not for me. I am at a wrong place at the wrong time.
    When I get back from work I am just so tired from all the sitting and thinking. I hate sitting. Really looking forward to 2 weeks of Greece and then 1 week at a farm in the mountains. I think it will clear my mind a lot.
    My gut is telling me, go to a beach and look at the sky and think about nothing.

    I'll sit down and do some planning.
     
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 1

    Good morning. Wish everyone a relapse free day.

    Yesterday evening got triggered and this morning in bed. No problem. Mindfulness works. See thoughts as thoughts and let them go.

    I have some work to do. My last day at work before 3 week vacations. Looking forward to freedom from sitting all day.
     
  7. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Freedom! Only for 3 weeks. But I'll take it.

    I relapsed yesterday. I was super tired from work and hungry. I ended up going for a coffee with an old friend of mine. There was this hot girl at the bar. I relapsed in the evening. I am still missing a piece of a puzzle.

    In the morning. No problems. Urge surfing/zoom-out works like a charm. I ended up listening to the 5 tools audiobook. I cried when listening to a chapter about the 5th tool it dealt with willpower and some other things. Felt like 1000 light bulbs went off. I'll write about this at a later date.
    ---
    Urge surfing. Works like a charm when my "horniness" is low (1-3 out of 10)
    Zoom-out. Works like a charm when my horniness is medium (3-6 out of 10)
    But when I am super tired or super horny. At 7+ out of 10. I need to find a tool that will work. I think I found it in the 5th tool. Will use it and see.
    ---
    I am going for lunch, then clean up/remove some of the stuff from the apartment. Need to find an AirBnB place in Athens. I am flying to Greece starting next week, come back in 2 weeks then do the QiGong workshop at the mountain farm. Should be smooth sailing in terms of P recovery.

    I wish you guys good days and see you again after 3 weeks.
     
  8. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Have a nice holiday :)
     
  9. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Thanks man! I am back from Greece! Had an awesome time there. Came close to a relapse but decided not to do it. I had a big smile on my face when I let it go.

    Tomorrow I am off to my qi gong workshop. I am feeling much better but physically it doesn't show it. My skin is pretty oily and pale. I guess skin will be last thing that will transform.

    Hope everyone is doing good! Wish you well!

    Do not fight but let it go! Surf the urge.

    Wanted to write something. Oh, right. Vanilla is back. Saw some hot girl. There was one super cute girl sitting at next seats on the public transport. I wanted to lick her pussy, suck her tits, PIV and have a BJ! No fetish shit!

    My mind is fried. Have a hard time concentrating. And when I was walking around Athens I was totally disoriented the whole time. Sometimes I have problems with basic arithmetic. But I guess this will pass.
     
    TheScriabin likes this.
  10. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Hey, guys. I wish everyone a good day.

    I've relapsed after 3 full weeks of no bullshit. I was pretty tired from all the activities and have some stuff going on. So it was unsurprising. But after it I don't think I really need this anymore.

    I was super tired yesterday. There was a hot girl in the elevator. I just MO'ed to a BJ fantasy from her so I didn't get into the mental battle between my lizard brain and my higher brain. I was fine after. Some P thoughts are coming and going but it is easy to let them go.

    I am getting better with mindfulness. Seeing how empty P is. All the power of P is in the "promise". But P always fails to deliver. I am alone jerking it to a screen. How can this make me happy? When I can see this clearly it is no problem to let it go.

    I need to find an apartment soon.

    The trick is not in the fighting but in letting go.
     
  11. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Hey, guys. Wish you a good day.

    Temptation left and right. But I just focus on seeing how P is just an "Ad" for a trip to a land of loneliness and wasted opportunities. Unbelievable. The pull. Just focus my limited mental capacities into seeing trough the bullshit of P. It promises so much yet delivers just sadness.

    I feel relieved as I found an apartment via AirBnB. August I'll stay at the apartment. In September I think I'll do a 3 week vacation again. Then work trough October and then just go for the China trip. Still need to plan it.

    Brain fog is unbelievable. I am having problems with basic math. FML.
     
  12. Keep strong, P is definitely a lie. Sadness, guilt, so much wasted time. Compare that to the end goal, the satisfied smiles of a real partner, its nowhere close.
     
  13. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Keep mindful. Super tired from work. Tempted but I decided to take a nap instead. Best decision ever.

    Mindfulness is a skill. I am getting better. I keep reminding myself even when not triggered, I keep on focusing on that feeling I have just after relapse. After relapse it is like a moment of clarity. I keep on focusing on this. That clarity of...WTF, I just jizzed to screen, WTF was I thinking, where was my mind? This is so vain. Why couldn't I have done something else? P is a lie.
     
  14. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Super tired from work. I just keep reminding myself of that clarity after a relapse.

    Funny, feeling tired, the brain goes, here something to cheer you up, some more P!

    I need to quit my job sooner. My mind is just screaming, QUIT JOB! No more sitting! FUCK SITTING! Go to a beach and do nothing. No more thinking!

    I guess I'll try to make it trough August and then end it. I'll need to talk with my boss soon.
     
  15. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Peeked a bit. I am like. Just let go? Is this it? Got here now. Now I think I will go for a walk.

    Got hard just seeing a hot girl in main stream movie.

    PMO is just a learned behavior. I learned that this makes me feel good. It has nothing to do with real life.

    Learning to let go of P. I think I need to be less greedy. Just like when talking to a girl it goes so much better when the objective is just to have a nice conversation and not to get in her pants. Just like that I need to accept just being horny is enough. I do not need to go with PMO but just accept the fact that I am horny and do not need to cash in on the state of being horny.
     
  16. Hot girl in mainstream movie? That's more like it. While still fantasy, at least she has some character (and clothes on!). Closer to the real world than the carefully manufactured dopamine stimulant of P.

    Good point on "not cashing in". PMO is just like going to the pay day advance place and paying the fees/interest on something that, if allowed to develop naturally, has value on its own because you earned it.
     
  17. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Relapsed. Just insanely tired. Didn't sleep enough. The heat. Got triggered by some hypno trigger. Funny how things lurk in the background. The autopilot took over. If I got enough sleep it would be easy to stay clear. But good thing. I got on YT and look at some P addiction videos.

    I also think about why I used "femdom" the most and my first vanilla stuff was BJ. My life is basically one man army. I do everything myself. Everything. Job (I am alone on the project, used to be 2 but it is just me now), apartment (alone), food(I eat alone), vacations (I used to go alone) = one man army. It sux big time. I don't want to be alone anymore. Maybe that is why I liked femdom. Where I don't need to be one man army when it comes to sex. The girls takes over. I can relax somebody else will take care of the sexuality.

    Also thought about why it was so easy to stay clean on the workshops. I am not one man army. I even shared a room. Easy.

    I am using P to escape the fact I have 0 intimate connections in my life. Life is not meant to be lived alone.

    I need to get some buddies. Stop doing everything alone. I think if I had a GF with good connection P would not be a problem anymore.

    But my body is fucked up from all the years of PMOing. I need a system.

    When I got trigged and wasn't insanely tired what totally stopped the temptation is thinking about all the fun I had with the group of people. I thought a bit of the moments we shared. I met some really cool people in Greece.

    What really hit home. If I could harness the energy I get from the P urges and put it to something that would directly benefit my life, what would it be?

    Time I become a complete human being. Everything matters. The material, the emotional, the spiritual and the social.

    Lets put the show on the road. Next step move to the city and join some groups.

    Day 0
     
  18. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Guest

    Hey NoDestination,

    a strong social circle is probably the most important support system one can have when it comes to fighting the P addiction. Relapses happen out of boredom, desperation and/or loneliness. As you stated, us humans are not made to be alone most of the time. I can totally relate because when I went to the clinic for six weeks in order to treat my depression, there was only one time when I had extreme urges of watching porn. The social support system there was very strong and I met a lot of lovely people with whom I spent a lot of time daily. Also, when I managed to abstain more than 100+ days hard mode (still my biggest accomplishment on this noPMO journey), I used to go out a lot more and almost daily met with friends which was absolute balm for the soul. Nowadays, I'm not very social anymore and the longer I don't see one of my friends or family, the more this depression and sadness is building up and hence the susceptibility for relapses. For a long time, I wished I could be happy just on my own but unfortunately that's not how things work.

    Joining groups is an excellent idea to meet new people and potential friends. Maybe, you also need to find a hobby that fulfills you, ideally something with social interactions. Think of anything.

    Stay strong and keep on quitting!
     
    Londoner and MarstonS like this.
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I'll echo the long walk, start building your social circle now. It might be out of your comfort zone (most of the best things are), and it might take time (around 2 years in my experience), but the difference it makes to your life is huge, even the effort to get there pays dividends.
     
    MarstonS likes this.
  20. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 1

    Thanks guys. Yeah. I see it clearly now. I somehow convinced myself that this one man army/lone wolf is the way to go. It is not.

    I guess I will keep on relapsing until I get all of my shit together. My social life is practically non-existant. Never thought it is such a problem. Next week I move back to the big city. Lots of people and lots of interest groups. I'll join a few.
     

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