Becoming a complete human being

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NoDestination, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 2.

    Good morning. I wish everyone a relapse free morning and a good day!

    In the evening. Before going to bed I just visualized. Me getting in bed, then some random P thoughts comes in, I get horny, I feel pleasure, then I get in this mental conflict with myself, then I end up PMOing, feeling great for a brief moment, then feeling like crap. Can I walk away from this? No brainer. 0% doubt. Sign me up. I feel relief not having to go trough all this. The evening was good.

    In the morning a few P thoughts came but I did not get caught up. Like a wave they arise and they fall. Beautiful.
  2. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. I wish everyone a relapse free night.

    Zoom the fuck out. Trying a new technique. When the urges hit. I zoom-in to my groin both in terms of physical and mental focus. Instead I need to zoom the fuck out. Can I let go of the perfect P scene accompanied with a nice twitching down there. No. I am just not willing to do that. But am I ready to let go of this game. Get triggered, feel good, then get in this mental conflict, relapse, feel bad rinse and repeat. Can I let go of this. Easy. No brainer. Sign me up.

    Have this massive urges. One P scene is on my mind the whole day. Just perfect everything. Perfect girl, perfect dress, perfect lighting, perfect video. I came very close to go for a "hunt" for this video. Now this is pathetic. Our fore fathers actually hunted wild game, our fathers real girls and now we "hunt" online for P. This is very unfortunate. Anyway. I just reminded myself to zoom the fuck out. See where this P scene fits in the puzzle of the relapse game. Still very hard to let it go. But I think it is possible for me to walk away from this. I reminded myself, I sat next to a beautiful girl yet had 0 sexual interest in her. Yet I have sexual interest for my computer screen. This is just plain wrong. Then the question that hopefully saved the day. Is this P scene a reflection of my true self? Nope.

    Time I become a complete human being. Wish me luck. The night is still not over yet.
  3. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 3

    Good morning. I wish everyone a relapse free day. Have a great day everyone.

    The P scene is still lurking at the back of my mind. But I don't slip. Zoom the fuck out. I can walk away from this. I can feel relief not playing the game of relapse.
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. Mindfulness is working. Went to eat. Some bombshell girl was behind me in line. A very tall girl. One head taller than me. Just amazing body. And the lips. Just amazing. And this vibe from her. This is what I want, not P! Some P fantasies came up in my brain. As expected. But I didn't got caught up. I saw the big picture. Zoom the fuck out! I feel relieved not playing the relapse game. Fuck this shit. This is just not for me. I can walk away from this no problem. Well it wasn't that easy but seeing the big picture, letting go is the only right way. Yes, there is a hot girl next to me. Yes, I want to play out some P fantasies with her. I want even vanilla with her. But it is just a thought. Accept it, relax, then move on with your life. I don't need to act on sexual impulses. They come and they go. Like waves. Urge surfing FTW.

    I don't need O. I don't need PMO. I want an amazing girl in my life. But I don't need to sexually gratify myself and get caught by every sexual impulse I get.

    Mindfulness FTW! Time I start living.
  5. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    Excellent work! Happy to hear you slowing down the bullets... a la Matrix style. With mindfulness, everything seems to go in slow-motion. We can parry or escape the hit a lot more easily. We know what's happening, we label the emotion and we know it'll pass. Isn't mindfulness great? One word: fantastic. :)
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 4

    Good morning and with everyone a relapse free day.

    @Mendoza Thanks, man. Feels like the tide has turned. I really enjoy the "zoom out". Instead of dealing with a fantasy in isolation I put this fantasy into the big picture - the whole relapse, regret, repeat cycle. Much much easier to let it go. Also I ask myself what is the alternative to fantasy? Just talking to a girl in real life is much better than a PMO. Real life feels so much more true than fantasy.

    In the evening some P thoughts came just as in the morning. But they are just thoughts. Time I stop being a kid and become an adult.

    Surf's up. Lets ride some urges.
  7. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. I wish everyone a good and relapse free night.

    Saw a hot girl at lunch today. Some fantasies came. Some P, some vanilla. They are just thoughts. I let them go. I am starting to enjoy letting go of thoughts. I might even say I get pleasure from not playing the game of relapse.

    I feel like I am going to physically die. Like the heart will just stop and I will be no more. I truly hope this is just addiction talking.
  8. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 5

    Good morning. Wish everyone a relapse free and a good day.

    So far so good. Mindfuless is working. Seeing urges as thoughts and letting them do their dance and then they go away.
  9. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. I wish everyone a relapse free night.

    Had an interesting day. In the morning I went to petrol station to fill my car. My card bounced. I thought for sure I have enough money on the bank account. Most of my money is on my business bank account not on my personal bank account. But just in the morning before leaving I made bank transfer from my business account to my personal account since I intended to pay for some vacation stuff. When it bounced I was like ok, no problem. I'll give you my id document and I'll give you the cash and some extra tip when I get back from work. But the girl was like, no way, and gave me some lecture about how I have no idea how to manage finances. I didn't let it bother me. Anyway. I did my QiGong practice in the small "park" area next to the petrol station. Then walked around a bit. Then finally the transaction I made before leaving in the morning went trough and I am on my way. When life gives you lemons make a lemonade. I like the morning qigong practice a lot. Ended up staying at the job till 19.00. I liked that a little less.
  10. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 6

    Weekend. Triggers are everywhere. Even on plain news sites. Boom, pictures of sexy ladies. Seeing thoughts as thoughts. Letting them come and go. I don't need orgasm. I want it. But I don't need to be a slave to orgasm. Fuck orgasm! Need to make myself a good life.

    Wish everyone a good day today.
  11. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    I hope this is P speaking. I feel so tired. I just want to sleep all the time. Like all the time. Getting a bit annoying.
  12. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I use sleep to escape from my depression, so it may be that.
  13. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 7

    I don't want P. I want a real life. Mindfulness is working. Cried a bit last night in bed. Seeing this P just as something like self-abuse. Our bodies just aren't intended to be used this way. I am very sorry for this.

    Surfs up. Lets ride some urges.
    Wish everyone a good day.
    @Londoner I am not depressed.
  14. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. Wish everyone a relapse free night.
  15. Murky

    Murky Member

    Thanks for writing. I have been reading and find your journaI helpful. I think you're on the right track with your attitude towards P and everyday life.
  16. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Day 1

    Interesting night. Feeling pretty tired all day. In the evening I felt very lively. The first sexual thought that came to my mind was I want to lick some nice tits and gently bite the nipples. I am like...nice. This is pretty good. A massive detour from fetish stuff. Then some thought about licking pussy and PIV. Now we are talking. Vanilla. Got pretty horny and hard. Some P thoughts came after. I am able to let them go with the zoom-out method. But then I self-sabotaged myself. I am thinking, is this it? Just forget about P? I was pretty horny and pretty relaxed and in the mood. So I am like, hm, I don't want to have any regrets. If there is a time the hypno stuff will work it is now. There is one hypno fetish file I wanted to try again but with a different mindset. So I did. ~25 minutes later it was over. It was a nice dopamine experience like all P. All P feels the same. The excitement, the O, the massive disappointment. There was no binging involved. Now I've tried all the P I wanted in all the ways I wanted. No regrets. Time I let it go. I've seen all I had to see.

    In the morning I am still a bit horny but no problem. Urge surfing works like a charm. Yes, I am horny, yes it is normal, yes the thoughts will go away soon enough. Just observe. Focus on the life and lifestyle I want.
    @Murky Sorry to disappoint with my relapse. I have a feeling I'll do much better this time. I find mindfulness the key to unlock my own jail cell.

    Wish everyone a relapse free day!
  17. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Saw a super hot girl in front of the building. Got me triggered. But urge surfing did the job no problems. I am done with virtual self abuse.

    Wish everyone a relapse free night.
  18. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    You don't have to apologize for your relapses. You're not disappointing anyone. You only disappoint when you are untrue or dishonest towards yourself. I'm seeing a guy with balls of steel, who isn't afraid to admit his missteps and tries his best to understand the reasons and motives behind every relapse. Just honour what you came here to do.

    PMO, I realize, is a complex problem, because unlike caffeine, drugs, cigarettes or gambling, sex is a natural part of who we are as humans... it's inscribed in our genes. That's why many folks tell us to get going and find a girlfriend/boyfriend and express our sexuality with a person. That's in great part true... but the other part, is addressing all the psychological baggage, the one we carry from years and years ago. So although one can find comfort in a girlfriend alone, or in establishing a harmonious relationship with ourselves, the easiest path is combining both. But there is no one solution, there are many ways to get there.
  19. Murky

    Murky Member

    Exactly, do not feel the need to apologise. I stand by what I said. Some good reflection and understanding of the issue of PMO addiction in your posts, so keep up the good work, we are walking a good path.
  20. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    @Mendoza @Murky Thank you for the kind words guys. I am just so fed up of my own bullshit. I could have let it go on Sunday. But I didn't.

    Day 2
    Today, morning in bed. Again some urges. No problem, urge surfing, a bit horny, no problem, lets zoom-out. Again the urge to use that hypno-fetish stuff but again some bullshit excuse. I could have done some things differently I might even get a bigger orgasm. STOP! This is the root of the problem. Orgasm feels so fucking good. And it comes with this hormones that fucked things up even more. This why I think we have such problems with letting go of P. Why would you want to let go of O? This is the root of P - feeling amazing O. But I don't need O. I can let it go. The cost of O from P is just to damn high.

    For quitting smoking, nobody is talking about finding a life purpose or dealing with some tragic evens in the past. You deal with smoking problem in the present moment. Why would P be any different? The only big difference is that I can imagine is that O feels what I would imagine 10x-100x better than smoking and comes with that binding hormones and stuff.

    Maybe it is time to deal with P problem in the present moment. I think I am onto something with this mindfulness stuff.

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