Becoming a complete human being

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NoDestination, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Dreamt that I MO'ed. I don't remember any particular P scenes just that I MO'ed like in 3rd person. A little precum or something on the tip in the morning. I don't really care what happened.
  2. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    I hope everybody is having a good day.

    Guess it is day 12 or something like that. June has been so good so far. I am looking forward to next week. I will start looking for an apartment in the city. I can then work on my social muscles some more.

    Clarity of mind improved. I can see how bad P is more clearly. It is helping a great deal not to relapse. Hope the seeing clearly how P just makes me a sad, depressed, lonely guy will stick around. Horniness is returning, little by little every day. When things get out of hand maybe I will just MO to sensation only or to PIV fantasy. Unsure if I should spend mental energy on preventing MO (non P) relapse. So far things are under control.
  3. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Urges came. I could see a bit less clearly what I get from P. Then I reminded myself that I sat next to a cute girl yet had 0 sexual desire for her. This is enough of a shock so I could clearly see how P is a detour from a healthy and complete life.

    Pretty excited for next week. I'll go scout some apartments.
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Massive brain fog. That kind I have problems with 1 + 1. Feel like I am just going to collapse any moment into a coma.

    Seeing more clearly that real life is the only sensible option. Talking to a girl is ultra low dopamine for me. But it feels right. PMO is extra high dopamine but feels wrong.

    I started to be more talkative. Female coworker came into the lunch area while I was already there. I just started talking about the coffee machine. Felt normal.

    I am starting to realize people are fun. It is fun to talk to people. A lot more than sitting in front of a computer screen. Man I hate working at the office. Today I did probably 15 minutes of productive work the rest I just zoned out. Great pay, low stress, yet feels super miserable. Ofcorse I am at the wrong place. Need to trust my gut and next year I will be at the right place.
    Thebeg likes this.
  5. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Mindfulness is working. I can see urges just for what they are. Thoughts. They arise and they fall. Like waves. But the key difference is I don't have to act on them! Starting to feel this. They look like gold but are really shit in disguise. They only make me a miserable guy even if they promise so much. The real joy is in letting them go and NOT indulging in them.
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Something clicked. In the past when I let go of the urge. I felt like giving away a lottery ticket. I knew it is the right decision. But there was a big shadow of doubt. What if I just gave away a winning lottery ticket?

    Now I see it clearly. Letting go of P thoughts is the only way to have a healthy and happy life. Mindfulness FTW. I hope this mindset will be permanent and not just a temporary boost.
  7. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Guest

    Good stuff! It seems like you're making decent progress, keep it up!
  8. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good morning everyone. I wish everyone a good day.

    14th June. 14 days into my quit date. So far so good. Very tired and want to sleep all day. Just abysmal work performance. I think I'll take the whole July off and go to some yoga retreat or something. I have a qi gong workshop planned and booked for 5 days in July. But it will be to little. Need more.

    @TheLongWalk hey man, very nice to hear from you, hope you are doing well.
  9. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

  10. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Relapse. I fantasized heavily. Started with a YT ad while trying to watch a TED talk. Hot girl. She has a YT account. Watched some of her videos and fantasized heavily. Then opened some P tube site. But just didn't feel it. So I just closed the site. Saw quite literally maybe 1 or 2 P clips for a few seconds. But when it started to play I just lost all arousal. This is just bullshit. All of it.

    Super tired. Need to sleep more.

    Stressed. I will be quitting my job soon. I hit the ceiling. Even if it pays well and is low stress just 0 challenge. My gut feeling is telling me quit and go travel.

    So July will be off. I'll do 14 days vacation. I am thinking Greece. Then my 5 day qi gong workshop. And it should be easy to fill the rest of the days. I'll also be returning my apartment. So I need to pack my shit in July. As end of July my lease expires. Looking forward to it.
    Then in August, Sept and Oct I plan on AirBnB an apartment in the town where I work and work part time at the job. 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. And focus on day game. I don't intend to return to the city anyway. So I'll go crazy with day game. Then in November I go to China. Haven't yet booked the airplane tickets. Not totally sure, should I go to HK or something. Will figure it out.

    Right now my gut is screaming...July...take the whole July and relax. Never went wrong with listening to my gut. Never.

    Feel like horny but not horny at the same time. Don't want to watch P or MO or PMO but feel like autopilot is still on. Like the airplane would be on the ground but the autopilot still wants to move the plane around.

    Fuck. Get more sleep. Cannot wait for the weekend. I think I'll just sleep the whole weekend.
  11. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    I ended up MOing in the bed before sleep. Bad day yesterday. Anyway.

    Wish everybody a good day today.
    Urge surfing works for me when there isn't a strong physical pleasure present. Like this morning, I felt a bit horny but it is not that intense. So I find it a bit hard but doable to urge surf. But when there is this strong horniness present, everything just goes out the window. I just want to feel more of the physical pleasure. I don't want any weird fantasy but just to feel more of that physical pleasure. Touching myself feels so good. I just cannot let it go, I want more of it.

    I'll think more of this. I guess this is why cold showers work. To shake off some of the horniness. Maybe I should just have more faith in the urge surfing. Like put all my faith in it. Like I want to be the best urge surfer in the world. Why is this physical pleasure so important to me and why can't I let it go? I'll meditate over this over the weekend.
  12. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    WTF. Autopilot is on. I have this urges to just go on P tube site. Yet I don't feel like PMOing or touching my dick. I don't feel like watching P. Yet, have this constant nagging that I should go watch P. I peeked a bit. Didn't get hard or anything. Just closed the site. WTF. This is so getting old.

    I am so feed up of my bullshit. I was having this struggle, should I watch, should I not. Urge surfing. Then I just reminded myself...You sat next to a beautiful girl on the plane yet had 0% desire to have sex with her. 0%! This is not like 1% this is like 0%. Real life sexually dead man and yet you want to keep holding on to P. This.

    Was thinking do I really just let go of P? Again that fucking lottery ticket. Like If I let go, I am letting go of a chance to be a millionaire or something. It makes no sense. Why does P feel so good? Does it really boil down just to physical pleasure? Is this it?

    Having like a million thoughts. FML.
  13. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Wow. I can go travel. I can go to XYZ if I wanted to. Fuck. This is incredible!

    I was thinking this 2 weeks vacation in Greece. Sounds nice. But I could go to NY or Canada or something. This is amazing! Our planet Earth is amazing. Just wow. Sure feels like coming out of a prison of PMO even if I still relapse.
  14. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Yep, relapsed. PMOed. I couldn't let go of the physical pleasure aspect.

    A bit stressed. On the fence on my choices for July vacations.
  15. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Reverse-castration. Instead of cutting down there it cuts things up there.

    I'll try something different. Instead of focusing the energy down there I'll focus the energy to the brain.
  16. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good morning. I wish everyone a good day. A day to stay true to our real selves and not the brainwashed illusion that P made us.

    I am experimenting with this.

    As I mentioned many times before. Mindfulness (Urge Surfing) is doing wonders to prevent me from relapsing when I am not that horny. But when the physical sensation comes with P fantasy everything goes out the window. I just want to feel more of this physical pleasure. Now I started Qi Gong practice to loop the horniness around. Looks very promising. Will see how it turns out.
    Londoner likes this.
  17. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening. Hope everybody had a good day.

    I've cleaned the apartment a bit. Still some stuff remains. But felt nice cleaning up stuff. Then I went for a short hike in the mountains finishing off with my Qi Gong practice in nature.

    I wish I could go on a hike with a GF. But I feel contempt how things are. Just being able to see a nice view made me very happy. Such a lovely place to visit. Feel blessed to be able to just be able to go on a hike and be greeted with a beautiful view. Simple things.

    Urge surfing worked great. Didn't feel much horniness the whole day. Hope the Qi Gong exercise will do the job when the real horniness strikes. It is easy to not relapse when in flat line. It is the bumps that make all the difference.

    The future is clouded. Semi-quit job, plan vacations in July, China trip! Lease expires end of next month. Oh boy. Cannot wait to see how the year will unfold.

    Totally not looking forward to my job tomorrow. I hate offices. I hate sitting. Will need to figure out something.

    Be mindful my friends.
  18. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I might have asked before, but where in the world are you currently based?
  19. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    @Londoner Thanks for asking. I live in a small country in Central-Eastern-Europe. Hope this is specific enough. I work as a contractor for a software firm.
    Good morning everybody! Wish everyone a good day.

    In the morning. It was fine. No urges. Got up. Breakfast.

    I fucked up yesterday evening. Again, I could let go of the fantasy but I could not let go of physical pleasure aspect. One moment I went Whoa. All my focus and "energy" is down there and nothing up there. The reverse-castration thing. This is where I should shift my focus up there. But It feels so good. I just cannot let it go. Like a fly going to death with that light thing. The energy exercise (the loop) actually worked in dissipating the P fantasy but the pleasure still remained. At first I looped around my body but then it felt so good just focusing on the energy in the nether region. I just didn't want to let go of this.

    Just like with urge surfing. At first I didn't want it to work. I self-sabotaged it. Just like I self-sabotaged this energy exercise. I still have some work to do.
  20. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Good evening everyone. I hope everyone had a good day so far. Wish everyone to have a relapse free night.

    I've almost cried over the relapse yesterday. So close to salvation yet so far. It was like 1001 votes for YES and 1000 votes for NO. Anyway. Something got me thinking....

    Can I let go of this spiel? Be horny, get trigged, get super horny, then spend minutes or hours in mental battles then finally caving, PMO, feeling amazing for a brief moment, then feeling like shit and having regret over a relapse. Can I walk away from this? Fuck yeah. 10000% sure. Not 1% of doubt. Fuck yeah. Sign me up! No brainer. I feel relief.

    But can I let go of that pleasure I get from touching myself? Not so easy. Very very hard. The pleasure feels so good in the moment.

    I feel relieved just thinking about walking away from this relapse, remorse cycle. I am so feed up of it. Every atom of my body is feed up of this. I can walk away from this.

    Saw an ultra hot girl today. Got triggered, but it was easy to just walk away from this. Yes. Relax. Accept. Then walk away. Urge surfing FTW.

    I can walk away from need to feel orgasm. Life is beautiful even without living it for the orgasm hit. I don't need to be a slave to orgasm. Fuck orgasm. I don't need to see girls as sex objects. It is beautiful just to talk to a girl and that is it.

    I talked to a MILF today. For a brief moment I thought about her perfect tits. I want to lick them. But this is just a thought. A perfectly fine and acceptable thought. Then naturally the focus just goes to something else. I don't need to be a slave to orgasm. It is fine for me to live an orgasm free life. I accept this. I don't need orgasms in my life. I want them, but I don't need them. A big difference. I can walk away from the need of instant gratification.

    Day 1. Here we go again. This is it.

    When the urges hit...instead of zooming-in to my groin I need to zoom-out to my whole body and see the whole cycle and the cycle of cycles.

    This is not always possible when the mind is clouded and the energy is focused in the groin. This is where the energy exercises come into play. I feel very bad for abusing the Qi Gong exercise for my instant gratification with orgasm. I am very sorry. Next time will use it to purify the horniness and let the horniness be spread around the whole body.

    On unrelated note. I had a nice chat with one of my neighbours. Such a cool dude. Come to think even a few months back I would be quite literally avoiding meeting any neighbours.

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