I need to let go of letting go of Porn. Philosophy: I really dig this Laozi guy. He must have been a lot of fun to be around with. Hence the name No Destination. To remind of. My life is already my destination. I have already arrived. I need to focus on the now. Be like a river. The river just flows. I need to just flow. That doesn't mean I have no goals. I have goals. I just cannot be caught up by them. Burdened by the still pending goals. Things I should have already done. How I still haven't rebooter or rewired. I just need to live. One moment at a time. I will reboot, I will rewire. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day. Right now I just need to focus on the now. Psychology: I've been diggin into the current science of addiction. Just google: Jud Brewer. Basically working up mindfulness muscles. And getting very curious about what is going on. A few things that I find useful. The habit loop. Here is my interpretation. Something happens (bored, tired, etc / Trigger) -> Craving (Porn makes you feel awesome! biased past memory) -> Behavior (I fap to a particular P scene) -> Reward (Orgasm to P, It feels "amazing", but immediately after I feel like I shouldn't have done that) -> Memory (association is formed: this P scene = Feeling great, the part I felt bad is edited out). I am thinking a lot of this. When the craving pops up. A P scene flashback or something. Tunnel vision. P scene = pleasure. I dissected my last relapse. Just OMG. Even hours after the relapse. All what I remember is this particular P scene = Pleasure. I don't even remember the P scene I watched before that (I know for a fact I saw a couple of P scenes in succession). What happened before Oing to this P scene is a blur. As I don't remember exactly what happened after. I know from rational mind that I felt bad. But in my memory bank this is also a bit blurry. What is clear as day is just this P scene = pleasure. This is clear as day. Not nice that my brain is revising memory. I am sure it is for a good cause. Here are some facts: [list type=decimal] [*]Oing to P feels great (in the moment). [*]Immediately after I always feel I shouldn't have done that. [*]If I don't give into the craving. It always goes away. Always. [/list] I just focused again on the P scene I relapsed to. Feeling that association of pleasure. A slight craving. Now getting back at writing this post. The craving always goes away. So PMOing feels great. That is why we do it. But it is like a small cookie. I can take this cookie. Or I can abstain from P,M and O and get a much bigger reward. I can get a pie. So it is a choice between short term reward over long term gain. A cookie right now or a chance of getting a pie or something bigger sometime, somewhere in the hazy future. Hence the title of the journal. Can I let go of the cookie? Urge surfing This is "the workhorse" technique of current addiction treatment. When the craving hits. I should R=Relax. A=Accept/Allow the experience. I=Investiage the craving. Be curious. N=Note the experience. I find the urge surfing not really that effective. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I am looking into a few other things. I have a long way to go. Noting I find this very effective. If I see a hot girl on the street. I just note to myself: Wow. This is one attractive lady. Looking at her makes me aroused. To my surprise this is enough to leave cravings at bay. Again, a hot girl at lunch. I just said to myself. Wow. That girl over there is very hot. She is making me aroused. To my surprise this is enough to just leave things be as is and focus back on eating my lunch. Very impressed with this. Detailed relapse journal I started to have a more detailed relapse journal. I investiage the relapse as I am a plane crash investigator. I try to piece together the series of events that lead to the relapse. And most importantly try to make an unbiased timeline of the relapse. How my body felt. What was going on. How long did I watch the P scenes. How many of them. I find this just amazing. If I just say I relapse. I learn nothing. But from this I am learning a lot. The habit loop really pops up. So far I have 4 entries in there.