Becoming a complete human being

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NoDestination, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    I need to let go of letting go of Porn.


    I really dig this Laozi guy. He must have been a lot of fun to be around with.

    Hence the name No Destination. To remind of. My life is already my destination. I have already arrived. I need to focus on the now. Be like a river. The river just flows. I need to just flow.

    That doesn't mean I have no goals. I have goals. I just cannot be caught up by them. Burdened by the still pending goals. Things I should have already done. How I still haven't rebooter or rewired. I just need to live. One moment at a time. I will reboot, I will rewire. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day. Right now I just need to focus on the now.


    I've been diggin into the current science of addiction. Just google: Jud Brewer. Basically working up mindfulness muscles. And getting very curious about what is going on. A few things that I find useful.

    The habit loop.

    Here is my interpretation.

    Something happens (bored, tired, etc / Trigger) -> Craving (Porn makes you feel awesome! biased past memory) -> Behavior (I fap to a particular P scene) -> Reward (Orgasm to P, It feels "amazing", but immediately after I feel like I shouldn't have done that) -> Memory (association is formed: this P scene = Feeling great, the part I felt bad is edited out).

    I am thinking a lot of this. When the craving pops up. A P scene flashback or something. Tunnel vision. P scene = pleasure.

    I dissected my last relapse. Just OMG. Even hours after the relapse. All what I remember is this particular P scene = Pleasure. I don't even remember the P scene I watched before that (I know for a fact I saw a couple of P scenes in succession). What happened before Oing to this P scene is a blur. As I don't remember exactly what happened after. I know from rational mind that I felt bad. But in my memory bank this is also a bit blurry. What is clear as day is just this P scene = pleasure. This is clear as day. Not nice that my brain is revising memory. I am sure it is for a good cause.

    Here are some facts:
    [list type=decimal]
    [*]Oing to P feels great (in the moment).
    [*]Immediately after I always feel I shouldn't have done that.
    [*]If I don't give into the craving. It always goes away. Always.

    I just focused again on the P scene I relapsed to. Feeling that association of pleasure. A slight craving. Now getting back at writing this post. The craving always goes away.

    So PMOing feels great. That is why we do it. But it is like a small cookie. I can take this cookie. Or I can abstain from P,M and O and get a much bigger reward. I can get a pie. So it is a choice between short term reward over long term gain. A cookie right now or a chance of getting a pie or something bigger sometime, somewhere in the hazy future.

    Hence the title of the journal. Can I let go of the cookie?

    Urge surfing

    This is "the workhorse" technique of current addiction treatment. When the craving hits. I should

    A=Accept/Allow the experience.
    I=Investiage the craving. Be curious.
    N=Note the experience.

    I find the urge surfing not really that effective. Maybe I am doing it wrong. I am looking into a few other things. I have a long way to go.


    I find this very effective. If I see a hot girl on the street. I just note to myself: Wow. This is one attractive lady. Looking at her makes me aroused. To my surprise this is enough to leave cravings at bay.

    Again, a hot girl at lunch. I just said to myself. Wow. That girl over there is very hot. She is making me aroused. To my surprise this is enough to just leave things be as is and focus back on eating my lunch.

    Very impressed with this.

    Detailed relapse journal

    I started to have a more detailed relapse journal. I investiage the relapse as I am a plane crash investigator. I try to piece together the series of events that lead to the relapse. And most importantly try to make an unbiased timeline of the relapse. How my body felt. What was going on. How long did I watch the P scenes. How many of them. I find this just amazing. If I just say I relapse. I learn nothing. But from this I am learning a lot. The habit loop really pops up. So far I have 4 entries in there.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie

    Good stuff you've written there NoDestination.

    Dissecting a relapse is a good thing to do, even though it may be necessary to do it countless times over and over.

    Urges happen only in the now and are only fixed on pleasure right now. So my current coping technique is by moving myself out of the now, both forward and backwards in time. I envision the end product from a successful reboot (future) and I think of the current streak and the past days/weeks/months (past). I would currently be disappointing 18 versions of myself (one for every day I've been clean).
  3. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Guest

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie

    Writing to follow. I wish you all the best to let go of the crumbles and reach your destination of the cookie jar ;)
  4. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie

    Gone to bed at 11PM slept till 11AM. Clocked in ~12 hours of sleep.

    Have 2 weeks of vacations now. Good opportunity for reboot. Planning on going to some organic farm. I need to make some calls. Hoping on excellent food and quiet. Most of the hotels and stuff have pretty crappy food nowadays.

    Associative memory is defined as the ability to learn and remember the relationship between unrelated items such as the name of someone we have just met or the aroma of a particular perfume.

    Over the 16 year period of porn induced brainwashing. Each time I O'ed to a particular P scene the brain remembered. This thing I saw = pleasure. Pretty amazing. Thinking about some P scene in my mind = I feel pleasure. It has nothing to do with my innate sexuality. If I'd Oed to TS sex for enough time. Each time I'd think of TS sex = I'd feel pleasure. Nothing to do with sexuality. Just how the memory works.

    The key is to let it go. Will see how far my cognitive control will get me.


    There is no destination, there is only the now.
    There is no try, there is only letting go.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie

    I like the very last sentence. The more you can let go of things and expectations, the easier things will come to you.
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    I've locked myself into the apartment for the past few days. Relapsed 2 times. But I finally figured it out. For a long time I felt like there is a clog in the system. Like something is holding me back. I finally figured what it is.

    Belief system change

    I've been this Kepa/Queen's Gabmit guy. I just cannot believe it. This is the first time I think it is possible for me to have a post-porn existance/personality. I've always thought I need to let go of P because I wanted the biger reward. Instead of PMO I want a possibility of real positive relationship with a real woman, and more passion for live, greater energy, no brain fog, I want the "superpowers". It never occured to me that I can let go of a part of my personality. P has been with me for the past 16 years. Like a companion. More than that. A part of me. Now for the first time, or maybe it is just revisionist memory, but for the first time I feel like it is possible to let go of this part of me. Not like, not _doing_ this thing (PMO) anymore, but like not _being_ this guy (P addict).

    I can live a life without porn! YES!

    Another analogy. Like being a guy who likes rap music and trying to commit to liking classical music. Reason being he read in some article that classical music has this beneftis for the brain. Like switching preferences for the sake of some bigger reward. Instead stop being the guy who is a rap listener. But becoming a guy who is a classical music listener. Change in personality not change in behavior. I don't want to be a rap guy who listens to classical music. I want to be classical music listener than in the past was a rap music listener.

    Do I make any sense?

    For the past few weeks. I've been having this though. "Just don't watch P. It is that simple! It can't be that simple? Or is it?". Now today. After analyzing the habit loop relapse journal. For the first time I realized I have been going at this like I need to stop _the behaviour_, I need to stop watching P, I need to stop PMOing. It never once occured to me I need to stop _being_ the guy who does this behaviour.

    I cannot reboot while still believing I am a P addict. People change. I can change. I need to let go of _me_ the guy who clings to P.

    Can I let go of cookie. Cookie is beside the point. I need to let go of the cookie eater me.

    I think for any successful recovery from addiction there just has to be some belief system/personality component to it.

    It helped me not cave to craving a couple of times when just thinking of "Can I let go of the cookie?". Wonder how it will go with "Can I let go of the cookie eating me?".

    Thought about the relapse #1. Made me feel some pleasure. Got me thinking. What is the loss of not indulging into this P scene? What have I lost? OMFG. There is no loss. By not chasing the P pleasure. I loose NOTHING! There is no void! VOID is a LIE!

    Void is a lie, there are other things!

    Void is a lie, there are other things!
    There is no destination, only the now.
    There is no try, only letting go.

    Yesterday, for the first time in long while. I just listened to some music. No plan. Just listened. There are other things!

    I was/am so afraid of letting go. Clinging to some imaginary fairy tale.

    Again some craving crept up. I just asked myself. What do I loose if I don’t give in?

    Made me cry. I loose nothing and gain everything.

    It is only when I let go, I can receive.

    What do I lose by letting go of this part of my identity? What do I lose by not letting go of this part of my personality?

    I feel like my willpower just upgraded from a quaint patrol boat to a full carrier battle group. This morning alone, bored, tired. Some craving pops up. Just got annihalated. No chance. This part of me is over.

    I thought that if I figure a way to not give into the addiciton when I am tired, bored, lonely then I solved the problem. I feel like I've done just that.

    Once and addict always an addict. This just plain bullshit. I don't PMO and I am not a PMO addict. P was a big part of my identity but now is no longer.

    History / It is turtles all the way

    I’ve been binging a bit on Dawson’s Creek. A show about high school romance. Made me think a lot about my past. High school, University years, my decisions. Why I am here. How everything is interconnected. Where I am now is a result of where I’ve been yesterday, and where I’ve been yesterday is the result of before yesterday. It is turtles all the way down.

    If I keep doing what I’ve always been doing then Past = Future. But if I change then Past != Future.

    What do I loose by not PMOing? What do I loose by clinging to PMO?

    I should have had a high school romance. But I’ve spent my time PMOing and playing computer games. I am at peace with that. I didn’t know any better. I was doing the best I could given what I knew. But now I know better.

    All of this will mean something if I change. Like Jobs said The Dots only connect looking back. It will be a few more years before I will see how the dots connect.

    I didn't lose or win anything. High school romance was never mine to begin with. It didn't happen. But who am I to say that something even better will not happen because of that?

    I cannot change what I did or didn’t do. But we can all change what we are going to do next.

    Turn negative into a positive.

    Be me. Be at the store buying bread. Oh, look, one piece left of that brand I usually take. The guy in front of me takes it. The last one of the kind. Turn this from a negative to a positive. Instead of thinking that asshole got my bread. This bread was never mine to begin with. I took this as an opportunity to explore some other bread variants that I probably never would.

    Again. Something "bad". I go online using my phone as router for my computer. Then the computer decides to download updates to the Operating System. I noticed a bit to late. My whole phone budget gets burned. Great.

    Actually I am very grateful that that happened. I was without the ability to go online or call somebody. I felt "disconnected". Great experience.
  7. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Craving hit me. For a momement I doubted myself. Come on. One last time. For old times sake. What is the harm. Limit yourself to just one P scene. That is it. Limited damage my friend. Come on. This way to pleasure land. Just one click. Go on.

    How many times have I fallen into this trap? I was one click away. But then I got up. Paced the room up and down. What helped a great deal is the thought I am not a porn addict. I don't watch porn. I am not a person who watches porn. I was this guy. But not any longer.

    Fuck the craving is still here. Breathing down my neck. Come on. Do it. You know you need the pleasure. It will feel great.

    What do I always, always, always think after a relapse, even if it felt good. I always say to myself. I would be better of not doing this. Even vanilla porn. Feels great seeing a beautiful girl on screen and fapping to it. Feels fucking great. But is this the kind of behavior I want to do? Is this the kind of guy I am?

    I accept the craving. It is only natural. Porn has been part of my life for 16 years. It is only normal to want to continue doing it. I acknowledge the pleasure it gives me. But what is the loss if I don't give into porn? What is the loss if I stop PMOing? Porn you've been great. It has been a very fun ride. But it is time to let you go. I am porn user no longer. I don't lose anything if I don't PMO. My body feels like it needs the pleasure. It is only normal. It is nice to feel pleasure. But I can let go of the potential pleasure. I am letting go of the pleasure. This is not who I am now.

    Fuck yeah. Carrier strike group, baby! Can't touch this.

    Still lurking in the back of my mind. Fine. Go ahead. It will be a long wait.

    Relapse anthem:

  8. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Last night felt amazing. I had my rational mind unified against porn. No rationalizations of why I should relapse. No excuses. Cravings just got dismissed. No problems. Just before getting to sleep a small seed of doubt emerged.

    In the morning there was a bigger seed of doubt. My mind started to make some rationalizations. I got out of bed. One particular P scene had been nagging me for 3 days. Perfect girl. Perfect setup. Perfect everything. I relapsed around noon to this scene. Didn't really look at anything else.

    Still "locked" in my apartment. Bored, tired, hungry. I will get to bottom of this.

    So if I don't PMO or am guy who PMOs. Why would my rational mind then make excuses.

    Huh. One of the answers: To be with this perfect girl you need to PMO to it. I want to be with this girl on the screen. I'll stop writing now. This is getting weird.

    On the bright side. After my vacation is over. I'll either go insane or figure out why my rational mind (that should be on my side) keeps self-sabotaging me and making excuses why I should relapse.
  9. NatureHeals

    NatureHeals Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    I'm on day 5.
    Today I realised that you cant rationlise with addicted mind. fight chemicals with chemicals.
    Set up daily walking routine. This will inject dopamine into your stream. Your brain will have a small fix of what it wanted and your urges will subside abit.
    When your on your walks then allow yourself to think about the evils of porn and why you shoudnt. But its all to do with time. The longer you stop the less the urges.
  10. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    I disagree. I'd like to think I can rise above the archaic need for porn. I'd like to do it when I am bored, tired and hungry.

    This isn't about fighting. It is about acceptance and letting go.

    I think I know why I relapsed today. It is because I didn't accept myself as a sexual being. I tried to supress and hide from my innate urges.

    Like a painter needs to paint. I am a sexual being. I need a form to express myself sexually. Porn has been the only way to express myself sexually. Pretty sad. But just the way things are.

    With letting go of the doing and being a porn addict. I lost my only outlet of sexual expression. My brain panicked. That is why that P scene got such high importance. You need to be with this girl. Nothing to do with porn everything to do with innate needs for intimacy.

    I relapsed not because of porn but because I thought I needed an outlet for my innate sexual desires. Sounds like I am kidding myself. Maybe I am. Maybe I am running in circles. But it sure feels like I am making progress.

    I need to relax and don't be so uptight about porn and sexuality.
    I need to accept that I am a sexual being. As a sexual being it is normal to have urges, cravings. Either porn based or real life cravings. It is only natural to feel the need to express myself sexually.
    I need to ask myself: Is porn a healthy way to express my sexuality? What do I lose if I don't express my sexuality trough porn? Will the urges go away?
    And finally I need to note this.
  11. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Went to get some pizza. Hot waitress. A bit of a trigger. Urge surfed like a pro.

    I know now that I need to base my recovery on Acceptance (accepting me, my history, my addiction, urges, cravings, the fact I am a sexual being, etc), Letting go (I need to stop clinging to sexual fantasy/porn as some hope of intimacy, I need to let go) and Kindness (I need to be kind to myself).

    I've come to the realization that urge surfing is the only way I am going to break the habit. Relax, Accept, Investigate and Let go.

    Let's hit the waves.
  12. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    A relapse is my best teacher.

    I also realized something. In my previous attempt to surf. I made a hostile environment. When the craving hit. I am thinking I need to destroy it. Use RAIN as some sort of weapon against my enemy. Felt like on some sort of crusade for justice. Initially this worked pretty efficiently. But soon enough doubts appeared. My rational mind couldn't back this approach 100%. Rightfully so.

    Fighting, agression, denial, negativity. This can only bring out a negative outcome in the long run.

    I need to base my recovery on Acceptance, Letting go and Kindness. Only positive actions and thoughts can result in a positive outcome.

    Last night when the urge came. I was kind. Welcome craving. Feel right at home. I am you and you are me. By hurting you I only hurt myself. Stay as long as you like. To my jaw dropping surprise sometimes this is all what is needed to let go. A sincere and kind acceptance. Not some sort of invitation to a crusade.
  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Pure observation is able to dissipate urges. But you must stay centered. If there's even a slight "what if?" on your mind, is easy to get caught up and relapse.
  14. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    There are no more "what ifs". They are a great way to clean up the closet of skeletons. Why did I make up an excuse for a relapse? Investigate this find out more about yourself.

    Tired, hungry, bored and now a slight cold is coming.

    I cannot think of any reason for a realapse. And every reason to let it go.

    Probably time I think of ending my "lock down".
  15. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    I've cracked the case. Dealing with urges is walk in a park now. It is not about being strong (or weak). It is about opening up, being sincere with myself, stop running from issues.

    The dawn is breaking. This dark night will soon pass. I will find peace.

    See you when I hit 90.
  16. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Went to see my father's grave yesterday. Also nearby is a grave of my high school class mate. We socialized a bit back then. Got me thinking. What is the fucking point? A big mistake to deal with this early in the days. I thought I am ready. Guess not.

    In the evening I browsed a bit. Like cruising with a car. No destination (look at the pun), just browsing. Some fantasy. Went to sleep. In the morning after getting up. I just PMOed to one scene (no browsing around, just like single shot PMO session). I was like fuck it. What is the fucking point anyway. Nietzche would be proud.

    P is getting out of hand. Car belt fetish? And when I thought I've seen them all.

    Maybe I need a beacon. Like true north. At least some general idea where I want to go. I need some more thinking to do.
  17. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    Realized 2 things.

    1. Nobody has any idea what they are doing. Does the river question why it is a river? Does the mountain need to find itself to have it's mountainess? Thinking about my father. Going through some photo albums. I think he never knew what he was doing. I think nobody truly knows what they are doing. Did Steve Jobs knew what he was doing? Why he was doing it? Do I need a reason to stop with PMO? Do I need a reason to get up in the morning? I have quite some more thinking to do.

    2. I might have gone a bit too far with self-reliance. My parents were never there for me. Never really been close to anybody. Never really talked to anybody about anything serious my whole life. Reading Darth Bane Books they put beautifully what I am feeling.

  18. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    After waking up. I just lay in bed stressing about not having any reason to get up. I quite literally have no reason to get up. Nothing to be passionate about. Nothing to look forward to. I don't know who I want to be. What do I want to do with my life. Right now all I have going for me is one very boring job.

    Now I realize. This is fine. I am allowed to have no plan. If I want to spend my vacations looking at the ceiling of my rented apartment. This is fine.

    Funny. The only thing I am 100% certain of right now. Is that I don't want P in my life. In the morning a few urges came. I quite literally said to mysef. P get out of my brain. And it did.

    I guess I am hoping for the innate genetic desire to do something will kick in. I'll wait. I have all the time in the world.
  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    So right now there's nothing in life that interests you? Things you like to do, stuff that makes your adrenalin going?
  20. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    Re: Can I let go of the cookie eating me

    None. It scares me a bit. But now I think it is just a phase.

    I called some farm to go on a vacation. They are fully booked due to some seminar. Then I called some other place. Guess I called at the wrong time as nobody answered. I am like fuck it.

    Never been a fan of vacations. Why should I pay for some lame ass room? Remember going to a seaside hotel last year. The whole 10 days I thought WTF am I doing here. Waste of my money.

    I am just staying at my apartment looking at the ceiling. Maybe I am right where I need to be.

    I need to start cooking. I'll start with the simple things. Can you believe I don't have a single piece of cookware in my apartment? Sometimes I just wonder in amazement how is it that I am still alive.

Share This Page