Beating HOCD

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by HateAnxiety, Aug 22, 2012.

  1. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    I'll tell my story here. Last years I gradually started to have gay thoughts - they are very rare. Once, coming back from a party, I thought "what if I have sex with a guy?". And yes, I had porn addiction, always masturbating and thinking about crazy fantasies (including gay). But that never interfered in my sexual orientation. So, after I got ED with an old woman, she asked me "are you gay?". Then my mind got blown away. Because I thought to myself "what is the MEANING of the gay thoughts that I previously had?". What if I have a gay/bi side? My HOCD is the Spectrum one, when you can't stop doubting if you have an "ohter side".

    So I got OCD. In the beggining was hard, I got suicidal, destroyed my life and all the stuff you're used to.

    So, after 1 year, I really beat OCD, used Schwertz method and others. I discovered YBOP and know I made the link. Why my obsessions are always SEXUAL and never walk hands to hands with a guy? Obviously because the last one I could immediately dismiss as something I disgust and will never do. So I started to think that arousal addiction could have validated in my brain that gay sex was rewarding and then fucked up with my life - because I'm not gay, never was, never will be.

    Is it really possible that arousal addiction cause HOCD?

  2. Mystery

    Mystery New Member

    From what I understand, porn addiction may cause HOCD. Also, from what I have read on YBOP, the tone of your post indicates you are not homosexual.

    Ignore what the old woman said. It seems like she said it out of spite or insecurity.

    Heck, girls often ask guys if they are gay just to see how the guys react. I remember for a while that every time a girl asked if I was gay, I would end up making out with her. Something to do with her asking just to see if I got insecure and she got affectionate when she realized it didn't faze me. Point being, don't let impolite things like that from women get to you.
  3. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    I'm 52. I've suffered from HOCD since I was 16. Back them, there was no concept of HOCD. The thought of being gay terrified me, even though I knew I liked the females and everything about them. I developed defense mechanisms to combat the irrational thoughts.

    My porn obsession has lead me to tranny porn. After reading about porn addiction, I now understand about the dopamine cravings and the ever increasing rush it seeks from porn. I know I'm not attracted to guys. I'm at peace with myself with the thought that if I am gay, I'm ok with that. But I know I'm not gay, so the thoughts don't bother me anymore.

    It used to be that I was deathly affraid of being anywhere near a gay person, let alone speaking to one. This doesn't bother me anymore.
  4. Primetime

    Primetime New Member

    I too have HOCD, and it's a bitch.. but you just have to realize that you are in fact heterosexual and these are just crazy thoughts popping in to your head. If you were really gay, you would've known for quite some time. Allthough HOCD can be very scary, I remember when I was at my worst I would really consider doing something with a guy.. "Just so see what the fuck is up with my brain." Been rebooting for quite a while now, had some relapses but I've made some good progress nonetheless.

    Good luck mate, you'll get over it. Don't let it get to you, everyone has weird thoughts from time to time.
  5. mermerix

    mermerix New Member

    I have HOCD and I just discovered it this year, I'm 24 now. I always thought I was some kind of latent homosexual - even though I was never attracted to men.
    It started when I was 17. I was masturbating and without any reason I decided to put one finger in my ass. So I had one faster and intense orgasm, and started to think "OMG, I'm gay! I like things in my anus". So I went through a period of depression and obsession and panic attacks, all the time I had these thoughts about being fucked, sitting on other men's laps, sucking cocks etc. It wasn't pleasure or desire, just obsession. But I thought it was because I was gay without knowing. Eventualy those obsessions were gone but I was still concerned. Even though I never had attraction to men or a real desire to have sex with them, I was thinking I was gay. At the time, my porn addiction didn't have escalated much, and I was just watching straight videos. The doubts were still hurting me and I needed to make peace with it. Since I thought I was gay, making peace meant to accept who I thought I was. I tried to watch gay videos, but they didn't do nothing to me. But then I found shemale porn and everything changed. My HOCD came back stronger and I thought that was proof of me being gay. Another depression came and I couldn't stop watching shemale porn sometimes. From tranny porn my addiction escalated to crossdresser porn, and that time my HOCD was the worst thing ever. I decided to accept who I thought I was and even crossdressed myself to jerk off sometimes. I even wrote an erotic story where I was accepting my homosexuality and having sex with another man. But that didn't change nothing: even 'accepting' it didn't make me feel attracted by men. So I thought I was bisexual for a while. I knew I loved women, and I knew I could feel pleasure watching shemale/crossdresser porn. That, in my mind, was proof I was bisexual. But I wasn't still attracted to men, even those crossdresser should be very feminine, no hairy bodies etc. They should be wearing heels, lingerie etc. and they should never show their faces if they didn't look like women. That way I could feel attracted.

    You know, I'm really ashamed of myself for everything I did, but now I know where the problem is.
    I read somewhere that people with HOCD never try to act out. That's bullshit. If someone with HOCD is hurted enough because he can't have an answer to his sexuality he'll try to find the answer, because not knowing, in his mind, is the real problem. My ways of finding the answer led me to write an erotic story where I came out being the bottom of a homosexual sex, and even led me to crossdress sometimes to jerk off looking at my own ass. Both of the situations were arousing, but none of them led me to like men or to think I could make out with a man. I still didn't have an answer. So I started to search "people who like shemales and crossdressers" and the vast majority see themselves as hetero. I thought "WTF?". Then I found about that book explaining shemale attraction "A Billion Wicked Thoughts", and kept searching until I found YBOP and discovered about pornography addiction and something called HOCD!!! Jesus Christ, everything made sense.

    Now I have been going through therapy because I still can't get through my past, that crossdressing thing, that homoerotic story etc. I feel really ashamed and depressed because I know I felt aroused by it, and I feel guilty about it. I know I was just trying to understand myself and that I was eager to be perceived as a sexual being (since I was still virgin by the time - I lost my virginity with 23), and I know my pornography addiction had a big role in everything I went through, but I still need to overcome the bad feelings about my past.

    I still have a lot of doubts about myself and I send Gary Wilson an email almost everyday. Lol. Sorry Gary
  6. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    Hey guys, thank you for the answers. By the time now, I really beated HOCD. I have ocasionally one or another thought but dismiss them easily. I feel just like before and awesome. The true about OCD is that you never can get used to the dread feelings it makes you feel. I had it for one year and never get used to the dread, uncomfortable feeling of doubt, of thinking that I should accept myself as bissexual. It just isn't part of our identities, we will never feel comfortable about and that's it. I really believe Gary that sexual orientation is unchangeable, imprinted in our early years. So no matter how much sex fantasies one could have with porn because of arousal addiction, no way this can actually change your identity and sexual orientation. I still agree when they say HOCD can act upon. The case is like this, HOCD guys will only act upon if the OCD is severe, and they will not act because they trully want but in attempt to get over with the unbereable uncertainty. Normally, really-need-to-know HOCD backfire in multiple ways.

    What's happening to me know is a change in mindset. Fuck this mindset of arousal addiction, always searching for the next arousal fantasie or video, fuck that life of fantasie.

    For you guys with HOCD, if you want I can post the things that I wrote when I was in the climax of overcoming it. Just ask. And if more person believe that arousal addiction can trap someones mind and cause OCD, post it! :D

  7. Confused

    Confused New Member

    I have HOCD and I have "acted out".............I would like to hear more - thanks!!!
  8. mermerix

    mermerix New Member

    Yes, I agree. For example, I wrote a homoerotic story trying to help with my "coming out process". It was arousing and I thought it was proof I was gay. But the thing is: be aroused means nothing when you're thinking about sexual orientation. If I close my eyes and someone sucks my dick, it would be good no matter what kind of person is giving me a BJ. It can be a man, a woman, a dog or a child. And when someone has OCD, when he opens his eyes he will have doubts about being gay, zoophile or pedophile. I started having HOCD because I once masturbated with my finger in my ass and felt pleasure. An innocent act that my brain didn't took so well.

    I "came out" as bisexual to my mother and to a close friend. It helped for a while to ease anxiety, but when I saw it didn't make me attracted to men the depression came back. I wanted to know who I was. Why did I think I was bisexual if I couldn't imagine me with another man? Etc. Etc. HOCD has its roots on doubts, and the doubts won't go away even if you think you accept your sexuality, because it has nothing to do with your real sexuality. You just can overcome HOCD when you start to understand it.
  9. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    Yes, Mermerix is right. I got this "confession" stuff, althought I never talked to anyone. This is a classic OCD symptom. People with OCD have the urge to confess to other people they are liars, or they commited a sin and lots of stuff. This is very classical OCD. This is a way where you are trying to reduce your own anxiety. And helps nothing. I usually like to say to me "that's it, i'm gay", to check my own body reactions when I say the phrase. I was confessing to myself, in some way trying to see if I find ressonance in myself when I "admit" it. As always, this doesn't worked. The problem is uncertanity, you can't bear no more stop thinking about sexuality, other side, gay, bisexual, and live only hetero again. This is a quemical imbalance in the brain and soon you get over HOCD, you'll see that is 100% possibile to stop obsessing about this. The case is, nobody knows with 100% certainty that there is no "other side", or that you will or will not feel pleasure with same sex, but we don't think too much about it and don't care. People with HOCD think that they HAVE to know or the world will fall apart. And this doubt is a horrible feeling of dread and catastrophe.

    Sexual orientation is not only about arousal. We react sexual to sexual things. Sexual orientation is about been with someone you LOVE, you feel COMFORTABLE, you PREFER, you feel as CORRECT and this kind of stuff.

    You, Confused, how was the experience?

  10. Confused

    Confused New Member

    I do think I have an attraction to men (being bisexual?)............but the porn and especially the gay porn gave me feelings that I should try it - see what it would be like...............along with interent porn/gay porn, I went to bookstores for porn and that escalated to "acting" on it.....being sucked and sucking dick.......the actual pleasure was sort numb, not real. From that, I did meet someone and started a relationship......again the "sex" was okay, but I found the "friendship" more valuable and that I connected emotionally with him at that level.

    Since telling my wife, finding this site (she actually researched it) and HOCD........I'm working through it and trying to find my orientation.......that's my dilemma/confusion.

    I'm hoping no PMO will clear my thinking and save/strenghten my marriage (which right now looks good).
  11. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    Confused, when I got HOCD, the obsessions say to me that I want to do gay sex and that this will be arousal. The case is, before HOCD, I could have fantasies about gay sex that arouses me, but I can also stop the fantasies when I want. Is somehow I said, I would fantasize in order to arouse myself and this do not interfere in my sexual orientation. After HOCD, this fantasies come as obsessions. At first, I got very scared and tried to be brave and "admit" myself. I would let the fantasie flow, could masturbate thinking in this, watch gay porn, just like everybody in here. I was trying to make sense of my new reality, the obsessions, by trying to accept it. But there was also an side of me that was saying "what te fuck is wrong with me? I never being like that!". And when I think about acting out, there was always a side that says "no".

    After some time, I stopped indulging this fantasies, started to dismiss them and they cause less emotional reaction in myself. The times that I really said to me "I will act upon" were times where I was desesperate, I want to do this to stop the obsessions and the doubt, to get some kind of certainty and relief. Besides that, what I read about really-need-to-know is that or they get some pleasure but still prefer woman, or they fully regret it.

    I don't know what is your case, but sexual orientation is a preference. What do you prefer? I believe one who acted out, if with HOCD, will later try to use the act as "information" to solve the doubt and probably will still feel confused.

  12. ironworld

    ironworld New Member

    I used to jerk off to fantasies about some of my real life mates (men) but I never considered myself gay. I also watched tranny porn but again, I knew it was just the porn. I guess some of us are more easily affected. I can see how it could lead insecure people into thinking they are gay and had I carried on...

    I did see the beginnings of it I guess. Little questions in my head. But luckily I was still fairly confident of my sexuality. I also stopped watching tranny porn just in case. That certainly helped.
  13. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    Yes ironworld, I used to have fantasies and more fantasies - the whole novelty thing - and then, gradually, I started to question "if I get aroused by this fantasies, maybe there is a part of me that enjoys it". In the beggining, I was very sure of my sexuality as you but then, step by step, I started to doubt myself. I started to "feel" bisexual, feel that there is a part of me that might enjoy. Then it arrives a day when the woman asked me "are you gay?". And I said "no!". And I knew I was not. But at the same time the question come "and that and that and that fantasies?". So I decide to supress the thoughts. They came 1000 worser to hunt me. I got OCD.

    Pure O, the OCD called only obsessional, is about supressing thoughts. Pedophile, blasphemous, gay thoughts. This is why I 100% believe porn can cause OCD. Porn can make you have fantasies about things you thought as disgusting at first, that you identity believes it's inappropriate. Like gay. Gay people are homoaffetive, they love other man as we love woman. Since a child, I never thought about it and always find men with men very weird. But after porn, I start to indulge and get arousal by such stuff. So you got scared at yourself and can't give meaning to the shit anymore. If I'm not bisexual, why do I get aroused by gay obsessions? (fantasies intruding)

    When you have OCD you think about sexuality, gay, whatever, all the time. Like all in life is this. Obsessions are about crazy stuff you will never do. And when you got OCD, I tell you, better not have because it's fucking hard to low the anxiety levels again. I spent 6 hours a day trying to analyze and figure out my sexual orientation - the main compulsion, mental coping.

    Gary is right, the shit is destroying lifes.
  14. ironworld

    ironworld New Member

    I would definitely obsess over my sexual failings for hours and hours every day - is that some form of OCD? It would quickly subside if I distracted myself with other tasks though.

    Did you ever have feelings of love towards any men? Or was it purely sexual? Because I NEVER thought of entering into a relationship with a man - it just wasn't natural to me. Yet I could obviously be aroused by fantasies of other men. I think the fact that I wasn't attracted to them in everyday life kept me in check. I never looked at a man and said "oh I'd like to do him". Even my friends I fantasized about - in real life they were completely different to my fantasy (not different in body shape/form but in person I could tell I had no attraction for them).
  15. Musician1985

    Musician1985 New Member

    Yeah, I have my own story.

    I've been battling severe HOCD for 5 months now (which is nothing compared to many of you guys), but it's been a living hell anyway. I've also had it in smaller doses ever since I was 9 (my first masturbation experience, where I saw a woman blowing a man and I had anxiety about imagining being the man).

    I'm on day 15, no PMO, and finally, I feel like my gay feelings are coming through, after many years of being in love with women (due to anxiety). I saw a really feminine gay man on TV and there was no anxiety, just attraction. It felt like relief to be gay, though I have a girlfriend whom I think I love, and sometimes I do, but I don't even know anymore. And I've read the myriad stories of married men who've finally come to terms with their homosexuality, and of many who masturbated exclusively to women, but then Mr. Right comes along and they won't touch pussy again. Which would be cool with me, though I've loved many women, but I won't know how to deal with a new gay life. And I think the next step after seeing that man on TV is a gay man coming along and ending my straight life like that. So idk.

    Truth is, I always wanted to be married with kids, and I really think I've loved women. Just yesterday I with such love called my girlfriend's pussy the most beautiful creation on God's green earth (of course with anxiety that I didn't mean it, but I did say it with such LOVE). But today I'm in love with a gay man. I just wonder if being gay is my true calling. And now that I have no anxiety (mostly) and no libido for women right now (and apparently towards gay men), all I have is a bit of sadness leaving the straight life.

    BUT, Marnia says this is normal in rebooting. So who knows? And supposedly, sexuality can be conditioned, so I don't know where's the truth in all this. But I'm a little scared.
  16. Musician1985

    Musician1985 New Member

    And I never jerked it to gay porn due to fear of being gay. So I never rewired my brain to gay porn like many of you. Which really worries me.
  17. HateAnxiety

    HateAnxiety New Member

    Look ironworld, I do never have fantasies about loving another man. As I said, for me gay means gay sex, they're sexual fantasies. In the first two decades of my life, gay was so completaly out of my head, never taught about it, find it disgusting. Then, later, due to arousal addiction, more fantasies, gay fantasies, I get tricked that I "might" like gay, that this might be arousing. The case is, like any other OCD, a had one year and never even came close to act upon the thoughts. I have a terrible fear that I HAVE to act upon the thoughts. Because no matter how much the obsessions say, there is my identity, that doesn't come gay from one day to another. It was just so out of my reality. I was horrified that I had "become gay" and have to act upon something that is inappropriate for me. Obviously, when you have OCD is the doubting disease, and you doubt yourself that you might like it - even if you cry every day and this is destroying your life.

    My obsessions are always sexual obsessions and they can make me feel weirdo, strong emotions. OCD is big paranoia. I feel horrible about it but also "feel gay". Today I look back and can't believe. I don't know if in your case they are obsessions, you seems more like ruminating. When you ruminate you think about the same subject and can't distract, but obsessions are very different, they make you go nuts and they never stop! Doesn't seem like you have OCD.

    Musician1985, you may be aware, HOCD can make you feel lots of stuff! I don't know.
  18. Musician1985

    Musician1985 New Member

    I'm just scared. It's nice the anxiety is gone, but what the fuck is this? Gay shit!? Damn. I don't know. I almost feel like resigning. Quit the denial, come out. But I'm upset. And I've done that like twice. And I've done gay stuff before, but have felt like shit every single time (like 10 years ago). But not romantic. Just sexual. And now I do stuff like this with my girlfriend and I still feel guilty, and I'm not so much happy like I used to be. I don't even hope not to be gay anymore. Though I really don't know. I wish my anxiety was still there to tell me I'm straight. This is upsetting :'(
  19. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    Here's a link to some HOCP material from YBOP that some people may find helpful:
  20. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    Oops, I meant HOCD, sorry. Too early in the morning.

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