bad case, going for 90days and forever

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by jack91, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    few urges. came here to resolve. when i get lost in thoughts i usually remember something wrong i had done, something like sexual things that doesnt suit me. its okay to be sexual but not in a obsessive way, for me its been for looking better and more intensive highs. I can find myself in very dark side of myself when got lost in there, chasing the abnormal sex.. its most important to me that i get this sex addiction under control. i think sexuality should be something u can lock down if need be and seductive girls are not that attractive so you would need to control seduction and not get drawn into it. someone said meet girls as a father character, recognize their beauty but not arouse sexual thoughts towards them. I dont know. i would hope you can have sex but long as this mental weakness goes on and about i just cant believe it. i would not want to speak to fully deny sex and sexuality but what can i do? i have tried the easy way out and it didnt work!

    deeper and full sobriety is needed. gotta get in control anyway i can. im sorry to myself that i have been weak and succumbed to sexual weakness, in few occasions. Its true that this is among hardest addictions to beat. I hope that people someday comes to believe and understand that. its only way to recover from deep shit we are in.
     
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    you know how you always try to find most extreme piece of video from internet that turns you on...
    well now that i have good streak going few weeks going those images come to me.. try and stay sober here :D
     
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Guide to failing man

    I am failing man and therefore i thought its good to write a handybook for failing men meaning man that fails in staying on sobriety again, again and again. I am addict but after people recognize their illness and understand that addiction is harmful to you, gather self love and try stay sober in order to beat harmful addiction they become recovering addicts. I have had this epiphany and fresh start on life, saw my chaotic lifestyle as part of my addiction problem and vowed that i would quit.

    There are addicts that get cured soon as they try and at somethings i am like that, i had lots of problems with substance abuse prior to spiritual awakening. Soon as i understood the truth i could stop them, using self discipline, AA-gatherings and so on. So i could stop the substance abuse but not pmo/mo or better said sex/orgasm dependence. I have failed since i spiritually found myself, and did make it my first priority to stop.

    In AA i have seen many addicts struggling to stop drinking, they come back again and again saying they will start again, in my eyes they truly try but fail. This is one phase of this illness i am now talking about. Many of them turn in to faith and speak about god forgiving them or freeing them. And in my mind that would be accurate description. After you try all that you can and fail there is nothing more to do than ask for help, and if god listens he let you go when the right time comes.

    Even if you dont believe in god you can believe for example that universe gives you willpower to stop, it makes no difference, at this time you cant quit and hope day comes that you can, no matter when and why the day comes!

    In the mean time try to relapse as least that possible! There can be years and years before you do get out so its important to keep your quality of life as high as possible, its said that you can access 100% of your current brain capacity and aim best possible life quality while you are completely sober. Now its not attainable but its important to raise it higher and do not rock bottom which create stress and isolate you further. Even tough life can be hard going on with less than your potential, its best to try keeping quality of life high as possible for betterment of the brain. Do not cause unnecessary suffering to your brain. It must be kept under "life support" that when the day comes and you are freed your body has sustained least amount of damage than possible. your brain has kept under best care and can now do more thanks to your efforts keeping it safe.
    • Do not rock bottom
    • Try and control how many times you relapse within single day
    • Try to keep sober
    • Go for peer support
    • Join local AA, SLAA and other recovery support group
    Spiritual side
    Spiritual means well being of the mind and its as important than anything because it fills you with determination. Its the means brain defend itself. Brain wants to feel good and you need to let it. If you hate yourself and hate that you cant control your urges feels stress because of it, do you think you ever can force yourself out of addiction?
    No!
    Finding away out of addiction takes lots of effort and its best to work with yourself like you two would "work as a team". Brain and yourself if that makes sense. Thought process can be violent about yourself which makes it fitting to call it about two separate entities, you and your inner being. It just takes little effort to meet your inner being and learn to love it, respect it and work together with it. After that you can move as one and there will be no self hate, i have managed to open this state. I hope you do as well because this is something that drafts respect towards itself in future. "If you respect yourself, people around are bound to respect you too" its like words of god himself.

    Be easy on yourself. Attacking yourself is pointless, you understand that quite well when you help someone through the similar, you would not attack him because you know it would not work. Its idiotic approach and we learn away from it now. Just do this to yourself too, find away to solve the problem in non abusive way. Just make it work inside your own head now.

    Find absolute determination to quit, even tough you fail. Recognize there are nothing more than recovery, all are tied to recovery. Every meeting every aspect of life is part of recovery till you make it. Hope that you make it, and if in faith pray that you make it. You are in prison and you want out. Never lost sight "whats outside" play, humor, people laughing, friends, respect, sun, and helping others. Keep yourself going, picture man you want to be. Recognize the man that you want to be cant be porn addict and stop at nothing to change.

    Understand that relapses happen and let them happen, years can go by but keep glimmer in your eyes that someday the day comes when this SHIT is over.

    Maybe life is predetermined, if it is... there is path ahead of you, your destiny.
    Make it a good one, have faith in yourself.
     
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i am addict and i see it once again. thats a bummer. i mo'ed and then i peeked and mo'ed, ejaculated masturbated watched even porn that i very very rarely do anymore. Will i continue this for another year? yeah. i would think so. will it be complete waste of life? Sure. Will i kill myself and loath in self pity? nah.... im so used to this that it doesnt hurt anymore and im at spiritual peace, as much as one can be. Im not only one in this mess. Im hikikomori, they do suffer just like me-.

    I am at peace.
     
  5. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I was just watching television show Friends and it felt so alien to me. I liked it as a kid and it was just entertainment but now as a 28year old it was more of a study to look how "normal group of friends would live in porn free life back in the 90's america". And I was amazed. How different. I have spend my whole adulthood alone watching television, cartoons sci-fi shows and whatnot. Back in the 90's this wasn't norm. And another factor was to watch normal sexual/flirting/dating scene in it and again it felt more of an sci-fi series than ever anything before. Completely something that I have no part in.

    Climb back to life is mountain of an deed.
     
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hi Jack,

    Have you tried calling on Jesus for help?
    He said: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

    Who are You?” they asked.

    “Just what I have been telling you from the beginning,” Jesus replied. “I have much to say about you and much to judge. But the One who sent Me is truthful, and what I have heard from Him, I tell the world.”

    They did not understand that He was telling them about the Father. So Jesus said, “When you have lifted up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am He, and that I do nothing on My own, but speak exactly what the Father has taught Me.
    He who sent Me is with Me. He has not left Me alone, because I always do what pleases Him.”

    As Jesus spoke these things, many believed in Him. So He said to the Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, you are truly My disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
    ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    This doesn't have to be a yearlong suffering as you state. That an outright lie keeping you in bondage. You can be set free from the desires of the flesh overnight. It's a matter of believing and sticking to the Truth, which is Jesus the living Word of God.

    Here is the struggle described in the written Word of God:

    Internal Conflict With Sin

    For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
    Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

    O thank God! [He will!] through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with the mind and heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
     
  7. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Okay Josh. Thank you for the post. Out of respect towards you, Jesus etc I read that whole post. I don't know what to reply tough. Jesus was no doubt a good man and no doubt would live his life without pornography. One thing at a time I think.


    Been porn free lately.
     
  8. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Rules of day to day life

    I have made new rules considering my life. Rules have been made to make my life easy but still healthy. Overall these rules will help me recover but as I am in very early stages of my recovery I didn't want to make them overly hard.

    • No more than 6 hours of videogames per day
    • 50 push ups between each game
    • 30 push ups between each game after 7pm
    • No sugary products
    • One weekend per month is free to eat sugar
    • No red meat
    • First week of every month is free to eat meat week
    • Every week I can eat one pizza. I can order meat on top of it.
     
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I am doing well. Just be without porn. How hard can that be? Lol
     
  10. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Weird experience with wet dream, or was it wet dream? I had sex dreams and lost the grip and dived in. I woke at 6 am from huge release, like enormous and was like fuck.. again. But soon after I started to seek sperm and was like why I do not find sperm anywhere. No where was sperm not even slightest drop. I'm 100 percent positive I had sex dreams and ejaculation so it's so confusing but true.

    It was completely sub conscious but if someday I do master that technique?
    If someday I can have huge ejaculation in dream and not sperm at all. That would be cool. I don't even want to do that if awake that would be fucking weird but in dream is better to have orgasm without leek of semen.
     
  11. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    So what did happen last night? Was regular night I had done even fair share of SPORTS yesterday but odd cravings filled my head at evening and I had phone to surf with so, little by little I surfed to triggering material and woosh. I had major pmo relapses. Yes. Even watched porn something I haven't actively done in years. How I feel? Well disappointed on my self sure but this is not a news to me. I knew I probably relapse this time it just happened to porn.

    I didn't have self disaplence. I still feel good tough. Not major depression. Guess even with me that takes time to develop.

    Like Lion said: What now? Start again? What else is there...

    Those are mine thoughts too. Porn can potentially stress me so much that I have learned to avoid it even tough these 2 session didn't harm me that much. That's the way this addiction start with teenagers. Little by little it change their lives and not for the better.

    It's stopped again. I send my phone away. Amish streak again. Goodbye for sometime !!
     
  12. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Nofap needs to be number one again
     
  13. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Quality of life have fallen lowest ever. I cant believe this is my life. Like i am inside a joke.
     
  14. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Okay. Now circumstances have changed. Now I am free to live and take everything easy. Just live, breath, relax and slowly find something you like to have in life. Goddamn I have sorryass times behind me. It's okay. I start again. I start living my life again. Start doing all that I can and stress NON for stupid unimportant stuff. Everything is okay. From now on making me shine again is number one!

    No more stupid mistakes. NO MORE PMO!! I WANT TO SEE WHATS BEHIND THAT DOOR! ITS WHAT MY SOUL SO MUCH WANTS TO DO!
     
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I'm so confused.

    I had in my mind vision that this would go so much faster. Like I basicly still live porn lifestyle just recovered from worst, yeah recovered a lot but still. Hear me out. I still watch manga, same manga I used to while I watched porn. This kinda scares me. I am 28 years old. Isn't it time to forget manga and concentrate on other things?

    I have watched this manga like thousands of hours. I don't speak of dbz at least LOL. Other one. Is it alarming to watch same crap from tv. I rarely like to watch anything new. I just watch crap I have watched earlier...

    This is probably deepest shit I'm going through. Something to discuss with your shrink, unable to let go of something, perhaps??

    I just can't start new life, I cling to old even tough I really believe it's time to move on...
     
  16. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    At one month I can watch tv. At two months I can have smartphone and at 3 I can have my gaming console. Lol.
    Let's give this a try..


    Truly it would be best to talk about years not months.
    At 1 year sober tv. 3 years to games.

    I give this new idea a go. Let's see how it works out.
     
  17. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I put tv away but still using smartphone. Shame that I can come up reasons to keep this phone but anyway, other dilemma. I think I have hell ahead because this time I really will do it. I really will stop mo.
     
  18. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I mean bisnes this time
     
  19. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    For a moment I felt happy and then a YouTube video triggered me to see the negative.
    A video about living alone. Some people find this hard. And it's right it is probably more beneficial to you if living with other people.

    Right now I don't have choices on the matter
    Then again I have seen people more messed up than me living with others

    On well
    5 minutes and I'm over this
    Truth is I love living alone
    I just wish I had a job to fulfil the minimum social must have needs.

    Long walks do the same.
    Mind is more playful
    Its kinda like being with other people.
    Except you are alone.
    That sounds almost scary
     
  20. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Been tempted. This addiction is like a snake who try to find way in all the time. Deny the triggers!!!
     

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