bad case, going for 90days and forever

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by jack91, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    @Freedom from Servitude
    Sure man i truly wish best for you too and how we are going about it recovery is sure to come!! Continue social connections anyway you can. They help. Social life, friends and whatever are important. Train and it becomes fun and then you are alive again!
     
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I made a post about 3 month experiment to stay away from phone, ybrb, internet, computers and television and of course MO. I want to do little update how that went
    I managed it and once again made that 90day goal line without relapsing to anything. Small success i fear but success non the less.
    Was it easy?
    Well i have had lots of training and put great many streaks before it and to note never i had more than two month streaks, so i had lots of problem staying sober before the experiment but somehow the experiment itself made it easier. I noticed that now i dont have phone taking my attention and sneakily feed me cravings i have much easier time avoiding them. So no cravings to watch porn for whole experiment. Then i guess it was kinda easy, in its own way.
    Was it fun?
    anyone can guess whether being sober and recovering is fun, unfortunately it always is not. But it wasnt that boring either, i have own social network that arent linked to phone use. I was working everyday and do bit of acting on the side, we have great group and am accepted there. So i focused myself to them. Not fun but tolerable. Its fun if you joke around, in general it could be fun if you make it fun. Its fun to stand for your own beliefs and its fun to actually recover when that happens.
    What are the upsides?
    A memory that i succeeded at something, put great streak again. Those add up and turn to confidence and belief i can trust myself. I trust myself to stay pure and be the man i want to be. Its best feeling in the whole world and definition of being adult. I go towards that feeling with every streak i put down. And there are other upsides i feel less need to masturbate in general sure i am horny at times but it isnt need to fap rather energy if channeled right can be strong tool to catch the babes.
    What now?
    I live without phone for little while longer. I start to use television again to check whether its a problem. In worst case scenario i continue the experiment if i start to have more urges / failures to be without MO.
    Good upcoming year everyone!!
    Stay sober and do not PMO!
     
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Relapsed. Relapses, relapses and relapses. What can i do. I just Start again !! :D thinking how auzziemike is doing... Probably fully out of porn already. ...
     
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    soon i must go to theatre play we have. im sick having nasty flew and my nose is throat are full of saliva. No matter i must go play my role but lets see how the cycling goes because i lack any physical energy. Though i wanna be part of that group, they are all girls, upcoming and fun. really cheerful and fun bunch it was dope move to start there :D at times having hard time believing how good "training grounds" those are for me. and how easy it is to go there. haha thanks girls.

    i have moving ahead AGAIN. i move around a lot and been having mental problems in the place i live in now. seriously not for me. I dont wanna list why but next place could be better. I leave all my new friends and move on, seems that spiritual adult life is just moving on and nothing more. but the city i move is way bigger than one i live now and have SAA NA and AA group activity. Its good for me to dedicate on those issues.
     
  5. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    It is great that you are getting involved in these activities, especially with your social confidence issues. It is a positive sign of commitment to recovery. All the more the case that you are contemplating moving away from where you are at the moment. It can be a really nerve wracking experience, but one that pays dividends in the long run. Good luck with it! Its good news too that the city has 12 step groups. I always sing the praises of SAA on this forum because it has helped me enormously and I think a lot of the guys on this forum too would benefit from getting involved in the fellowship. In your case, it would be fantastic because it would allow you to get to know other recovering addicts who understand the same difficulties that you have been through.
     
  6. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    exciting news i had new hights in having fun, in theatre play i carried myself better than expected and got girls to laugh time and again, they like me. evening was complete success. Now to reward myself with some music and stargate eps, having good, carefree time!
     
  7. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Thinking of fapping but cannot do.
     
  8. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Didnt fap yesterday. Now feeling pretty badly messed up. Like i will never survive this. Just too much
     
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Seems keeping phone isnt good idea. I hate this fucking thing and crap i use this. Coming here all the time, there is so little activity and sure we are supportive but so few write or post anymore that writing here feels fools arron. And i dislike forums in general, sites i addict to. With phone i scroll them all the time. Forums i have used are manga, and porn / benzorecovery forums and years i wasted to these are so called porn/hikikomori/wasted brainraped years. I hate forums, phone i hate this all and i want out anyway i can!! I throw my phone away again, fucking hate this internet brain maggot. Goodbye again and goodbye phone. Ps trying best againts pmo addiction now at day 1. Just broke 3week streak
     
  10. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Jack, I'm sorry to read that you are struggling a bit. I really think smart phones are addictive, and even though I only tend to use internet browsing to find essential information when I am out and about, I am definitely using it a lot more often compared to when I had my old brick phone. I am so grateful that I haven't established the precedent of using porn on the phone. Automatically, when I have cravings, my brain isn't particularly compelled to use the phone to look for porn. Reducing internet time can definitely be a helpful strategy in overcoming this addiction. I may have shared this with you before, but I have found stayfocused for google chrome a really useful tool in reducing the amount of time I spend on certain websites.

    I am too saddened about the low activity on this forum, as I remember the days when it was vibrant on here. That really hit home, when I visited the Nofap forum and Reboot Nation the other day to find the hive of activity on these sites. However, I can't quite bring myself to abandon ship yet. I have been a member of this forum for too long and my journal covers a very important part of my life and I don't want to leave the story unfinished. I also commend the broad attitude to recovery on this forum. I have learnt a lot from the users here over the years. I hope that it will enjoy a proper renaissance that it deserves.
     
  11. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Yes

    I never quit completely i just focus on other things in the meantime and put forums on right context in my life.
    To be continued.
    I am on streak.
     
  12. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Gaming goes overboard. Is it human problem are i the only one. A dude who looks like a fucking prince but cannot stop videogaming to two hours. I have such a good mentalhealth but its under strain with all the crap my eyes see me go through. Gaming, selfcontroll issues, avoiding company yet missing them and all the rest. All the oddness. I have found gaming a perfect escape from the world its only place i truly give 100% and be as creative as possible. On positive note i play really really well, better than i expected and hit high on leaderboards. I take breaks from games when i cross the line. Its all the time or not at all and if i play brain is buzzed all the time.
     
  13. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I ate candy and pizza again. Some amount is okay but i push the boundaries. I would feel better without overeating. For shortwhile i ate healthily and way less than usual and felt better. Selfcontroll is the key to recovery which i simply do not have
     
  14. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Today feels like a such a waste. I have hours of freetime and end up watching tv and scroll internet whole day. Usually it doesnt bother me but today it does. I have lost momentum and am in bad cycle. I hope tomorrow is easier and can force myself to gym or something. I mo'd two days back and thats such a energywaste that impacts me for several days. Lethargy is a bitch
     
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Relapsing /single fap got me wondering mo and i sit for hours just wondering the truth about all this (i know this sounds oh, so retarted) but this is where i am atm. Mo mo mo, what it is... And i think its cycle which keeps on going till your excused from it. I expect this to go on for years for me and thats shaking thought but despite all i have said and done, i havent stop'd it. So i have no reason to believe i manage to stop it anytime soon, so i have to accept im odd piece of character for years to come. This as it is now drag on for years. Its my stigmatas, suffering and way out is supposedly within me and yet it is not. I have tried my all no results so i am sorta saying this is prison and GOD have keys to let you free all you have to do is trying your best to stop and when its time, you do stop.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
  16. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I posted month ago and meanwhile only half a dozen people have posted on their journals on my section!!!
    What a bizarre thing, people doesn't need this forum or recover, people just don't give a shit?? Where is recovering porn addicts, by statistics provided by pornhub there should be least million recovering porn addicts because there are estimated billion porn/masturbator in this world. LOL!!
     
  17. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Feeling extremely lethargic. It's odd. Haven't felt this way for years maybe last time was when I started recovering from drugs four years ago. Maybe I have eaten too much sugars and carbs and that's fucking my system. I am tad bit worried about what I eat. Everyday I drink sodas and eat deserts etc. I know they are bad for me but always assumed they are just so mildly bad for me. I hate that I can't afford doing even mildly toxic things. It will easily affect me. Second thing is sexuality. I don't know how to go forward because I fail to see simple solution to all this. Everyone watch porn, doesn't believe it affects them negatively. 75%of all men masturbate. Gurus had known since ancient times masturbation is waste of semen and losers /people of lower ambition practice it. I myself have wasted ten years to porn. And now that I realize the truth I am unable to stop it to it's shivers. Sure porn is kinda gone but I still masturbate. The gurus have easy time talking 'coz they ever weren't porn addicts. Those years made masturbation part of my regular biological operation which is hard to stop. It's so convenient. And I'm so weak against it. I'd say I just need to hang on there and hope I find some sort of answer soon. Because this middle floating is just waste of life.
     
  18. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I'm bend to start this again. What's new is that this time I start to gather knowledge about my past failures and made them my weapon. I fail often if I think whether my dick works and want to test it. I fail if I test myself with triggering material. I fail if I think sex too much and fantasize. I succeed when I do the exact opposite. Deny sex when urge is minimal. That way any of the above doesn't affect you.
     
  19. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    okay
    i fear a bit that my dick is broken. i dont get spontaneous like i used to, all the time and tempted me to pmo, continous sex cravings etc and weak semi boners here and there made my will weak. Im in strong flatline or little bit improved, who knows anymore. life with pmo problems are like this.. just hoping everything turnsout good at the end.
     
  20. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i sprinted 100 meters and hit 14seconds on the clock. im bit disappointed.
    i weight 85kilograms.
    i dont know truth probably is i am okay considering...
    physically at times i feel great.
    streaking continues. i dont even know how long streak is going about. probably something like two weeks. stresses comes and goes but this time im sure i will have long sobriety, feels good to believe in that. no sex temptations. shut them from your mind completely and they do not come.

    c ya!
     

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