bad case, going for 90days and forever

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by jack91, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    I think that you just have to listen to what your mind and body is telling you and see what is right for you.

    Have you looked into any 12 step groups in your area? These are excellent for accountability. If there aren't any in the immediate proximity, you can attend telephone and Skype meetings. Also, you don't have to meet someone in person to develop a relationship with them. I have yet to meet my sponsor in the flesh, I was put in contact with him when there were no meetings in my city, and we get on well. You can also put yourself out there as a 'loner' which makes you the point of contact for all other people who don't have access to meetings in your district.
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Just came from the groups. Im already "out there" just hasnt happened yet. Spiritual brother with same wievs would be great but i cant change this situation, people come to my life when they are meant to! Aussie-mikey were sorta my sex accountability buddy and he is on six months streak now. Feels like faith. Gotta wait till good things come to me too!
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    With much praying and meditating i have decided to try nofap again. I cant believe i fail with something like that. If i decide that i wont mo, for godsake what makes me do it! Whatever it is i dont plan lissening it this time. Summer here is very hot! And south europe is even hotter, crazy direction we humans are going! Nature reacts this way to us and our brain at worst reacts like womit and electricity to porn! I sure hope there is way out, something we can do!
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    No relapses. But my gaming have been addicted. I play many hours per day and off screen time are only when im elswhere. I will be more offline soon, will cut out internet use a lot!!
  5. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I will never stop streaking is my new way of life. A direction for the better. A salvation. Its just matter of time. I should tell how hard this is but get a clue from 22 pages before now and use common sense. Brain damages and opioid/benzo/tobacco/alcohol/etc is not that fun to drop.. Pmo seems to be hardest in many ways. I will stop it no matter what.
  6. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I was nice to lady who sought lamps from our shop. Nothing else.
  7. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Relapse again. Mo is last devil to win as much as i would gladly give me years to overcome this i cant stand this nofapping lifestyle that long. My life is not going anywhere. I am no one while i mo. World is cruel that way. No wonder suicides are "in" now.
  8. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Can you mo? Is it harmfull? How much so? Is it sin? Is it weakness? Why its so hard to stop? Why so many act like its natural? Can i stop it? If my life was a movie anyone can watch at what point i stop mo and find girls to play with? Can i give years to failing to stop mo? Is it okay?is it okay to fail? I have stopped porn. I dont suffer greatly from mo but it slows me down. Who can save me? I would love to find people in my life afterall my only vice is to mo on occasion. And yet it makes me womit. Im so confused
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I relapsed. Sex thoughts came in work and little by little i lost the game and mo'd twice. I was saying i expect more from me but truly i dont. I would be first to let me mo, to give that permission but i have found out that do not bring me closer to my dreams. It feels like my dreams are on long-ass waitbreak now and i just need to accept that. I try my best with mo. I mo maybe once a week on regular, god i wish it was okay but no, it is not okay. FIGHT THE NEW DRUG!!!
  10. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    New chapter begins

    I am trying to sober myself from my sex addiction all the time (note, that i used to be pmo addict but with all my might i shifted it to being just a sex addiction)
    Still i find myself masturbating against all my intentions, few times a day about once a week, but how i can MO several times within lets say six hours worries me a lot. Its not very healthy. I can break my dick. About a year ago it swell to enormous red lump that looked like its going to explode. It has gotten functional, and ready for action but the danger is it swell again, and no one knows whether it starts to work second time, i dont want to endanger myself for addiction i have hated all through my teen years.

    Porn stole everything from me, its worst addiction that stole my words, mind, years, happiness and even my future.
    Definition of addiction is "being unable to stop something, that cause pain in your life and against all reasons and common sense you fail to stop it again, again and again."

    That is me, im a plain sex addict. I dont want to be. I have seen handful of persons to raise from it, least has get sobriety enough to dictate they are sober and live without porn nor mo in permanent basis. I want that too. I dont envy them, i know i can do it too. I want to do it too. I am ready to do whatever to get there.

    To that end, i withdrawn myself from computers and even from my phone, internet is going to be forgotten and i am trying to live upcoming months without them, they are poison to me, as i watched porn years from my computer and i am very accustomed to chase feel good through internet, gaming and whatever. Taking break from internet use for months is very good idea.

    So new chapter begins:
    • No computer for 3 months
    • No phone for 3 months
    • No ybrb for 3 months
    • And hopefully no masturbation for 3 months.
    This quest have been total success if those 4 things are done. I come back, hope that i succeed.
  11. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    These are really ambitious targets. I think cutting down on computer use is a helpful component in building up a recovery streak. Good luck with them, Jack. I will be thinking of you.
    Brit_91_kd likes this.
  12. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    first time in a long time i use a computer so i have good chance to post here now.
    I am at my parents and doing experiment of an no-electronic rather than just nofap for few weeks now. It had worked great and essentially took all need to watch porn away, it is directly linked to my porn cravings, internet seems to feed to continuing need to have more feel good, For me there is no little computer usage, i am way too deep in this. I need to quit it completely to stop that river from flooding.

    Now that i am home for one weekend i can feel cravings multiplying, i just play games and having one pointless weekend, and the urges!! They are right back, now that i have computer here i am starting to lose my inner integrity. I cant keep this up for more than one weekend. So long story short. Do not use internet at all! its last triumph card against porno!!

    in these few weeks i have reached absolute state of mind, being not just sober but free of need to chase feel good and can just concentrate to being better man. Its great. I can feel i am moving somewhere. Its great to be without cravings, that they dont bug me all the time.

    I am sad that i have struggled against this so much, i took myself for spiritual person and still i could not see what i had to do, nothing worked not matter how much i vowed to stop. Never worked, and for years i failed and failed, could not figure out what to do but now i understand that i had to go one step further, this is that step. Living without phones, television is old christian way and now i understand why, its meant to keep us safe. Its good habit. Good way. For me only way.

    I write again something, and whats its worth anymore i vow that i am sober from masturbation, its one and foremost thing in my mind. These temptations i have now for two days are first struggle of anykind, soon im safe again. see you again!
  13. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Jack, good to read that you seem to be making progress again. I have found in the past too that if I reduce my screen time over all I find it easier to stay sober. You manage to avoid trigger situations, plus I believe its quite good for balancing dopamine receptors. Be careful for gaming though as that can have the opposite effect. I always find that when I rarely have a computer game with my friends that I tend to experience cravings to act out as well.

    Out of interest, how long have you been a Christian for? Your faith is not something that you tend to mention that much in journal.
  14. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I am not christian exactly at least. i go my own path with faith though admitted i am extremely spiritual.

    I believe in no fap, with all my heart you could say, i believe it more than anything else. When i get away from my demons, addiction loops then i can go on with my journey.

    Nofap is far easier without phones nor television, i am home for one weekend again, not anything major urges yet not at all but i keep my eyes open for them. I play games mostly, i allow myself get these "playing videogames at home, not a worry in a world" weekends but not too often! Staying sober is most important.

    I am two months in no ejaculation streak and one plus side i didnt expect to have and glad to mention about

    Internet usage seems to have connection to wet dreams least with me, wet dreams doesnt happen for me anymore! Cant believe it! not for months. usually they came every other night least once a week so this is welcome'd change. I think its mainly because i dont over indulge my head with feelgood you get from internet use, i am out of the loops and head just keeps normalizing.
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    So i do little refresh of my situation. Its been a while since i am truly spoken openly about my life. I have so many things to be embarrassed about, so many things i dont do well and i feel like i am alone with these problems. How else could have them?
    for starters i live in these mental wards or whatever, they should be just for me a places where they try to give social rehabilitation but i find these places of little use. They can be of some use but i am more and more ready to leave to my own. I had such a scary time earlier in my recovery that i felt its better to be around people, no matter who they are so even these rehab/mental/whatever places felt okay.
    Sorry to say they arent that great. and of little use. Its huge step and scary step to leave at my own but i am sure i must do that. I dont want to torment my mind forever, if i dont like these places they obviously arent for me. I cant imagine living in them for long periods of time. I need respect and love from people i live with. With them i mostly get pity and some attitude that they are normal and i am not, i hate it, i smell it right out of them. Setting is so unpure that i just want to escape somehow. But its hard to escape the mess i have made

    Okay, lets not go too deep in that subject. crappy subject to speak about anyway

    I do lots for my recovery
    i go to theatre, yeah i do i was always good at it now i must rewoken my old abilities that are shivered before of decade of mental torture. i am not that far gone, i can act someday again. in there are most amazing poeple i so hope i can repay them with great kindness. they gather good karma and if world works as i think it does, they get something in return! good guys. miss them already and truly hope i find a way to give more out of me and give it straight to them-! if i do so we have so good time together! place i can be myself without any sort of rejectment.

    i just underwent nose surgery. Only kinda bad thing about it was that they gave me opioids, i have long history with them but they never were my number one issue maybe to others they were, people thought im drug user but my number one was always porn, the shit kept me that low! i took opioids for surgery and i am fine with it, thank god they did not prescribe more because im still kinda weak bitch., making myself a man above addictions take many years more. for now breathing is going to be easier and thats all that matters, i had no need to take opioids before the surgery and not after, only reason i took them was because they had gave me the stuff without my consent, its okay.. i just woke up and heard word fentanyle and was like shit did you gave me that stuff?? its given to everyone who goes through same sort of surgery. My nasal pathways should soon clear and that means far more recovering, i can do more breathing excersices and sleep better, breathing better in general. hhahah. amazing. so fitting.

    The most important thing is that i have not watched porn for 3 months! Its amazing. I just dont feel like it and its so easy to keep it away from me. Its easy and i can do it!
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2018
  16. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    This mission was success.
    Leaving phone, instagram, facebook internet and television is great help in recovery. It took all need to watch porn and staying on top of the issue is million times easier

  17. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I just now stopped fantasizing. It was pretty damn close. I almost relapsed. I woke up feeling pretty stressed problem i never used to have and i know there is no other way to make me feel better easily than fantasizing, while i fantasize i forgot everything else.. right? it feels better for that short instant. And if you go all the way to relapsing thats very same than using porn. And we know how that feels. Im not saying it feels as bad for me anymore but i rather find alternatives how to make me feel better and lift my spirits. Being social is way way way better than fantasize or watch porn. They make you being alone, going to force you deeper to your own mind. Its harder to be social.

    To me those are pretty scary words and all in all this is fucking scary shit. Plague of our time that destroy all good from life, things i respected and loved. Like my mind, ability to be social without restraints , free of mental symptoms , having joy everyday.

    This plague doesnt attack your body but rather your mind or better yet your mental health. Be careful.
  18. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Okay i relapsed few times., was watching highly triggering show from tv and after like fifteen minutes i felt compelling need to go check porn, and i did. It took me pretty fast and can be compared to heroin addict remembering he has stash somewhere and wanna have it right now.

    Cant be helped i relapsed again but i can put pretty long streaks down, over a year continuous 1,2,3 month streaks, rarely ever relapse under having few weeks under my belt. Could be said i dont masturbate that much and not being hardcore addict but i wanna stop this habit for good. Its pretty hard tough.
    I dont feel that chemically depressed anymore after my sessions, i remember it was hellish when i watched porn and felt need to dull my head further with opiates back when i was sixteen and started fapping i felt like stressed, incapable piece of twisted loser after each session, all the time matter of fact. I think after porn makes the head changes you feel pretty stressed all the time, its time that changes brain to "normal" and then you feel as you should. I would believe in a heartbeat porn shrinks head but as i have understood it doesnt seem to be so with everyone least not in MRI scans.

    All in all i feel somewhat relieved that sex and porn relapses doesnt seem to affect me outright, sure they slow down head neuro change process to "normal". And the state im in, (pretty stoical, less stress less symptoms) continue. but someday when i wanna have it all and find confidence again and normalize the head for good i need a lifetime streak. I must have that

    And another tidbit of my morals as of now. many years with porn have made my sexual looks as they are now and these probably evolve as time goes by but now i find that relapsing to prostitutes are safer and better than relapsing to your own hand because if you need to relapse its better to do it with someone else. I hate being alone, im a social person and have accepted this neuro ordeal, and truth about recovering slowly changing your brain to whatever you want it to be. Thats why just looking this from scientific angle a sex with prostitute should be somewhat more beneficial than MO. So for me prostitutes are okay. I dont stress them or dwell with negative self thoughts about them. I can give myself permissions to something like that. Not ideal but acceptable.

    To point out fifth of world population can give them self permission to watch porn. In my books its just as bad as going to prostitutes, moralwise. Whatever you do you can count there are great many that want to do the same. Sexual wise these are pretty weird times. Sure there are people that know nothing of this, but then again almost everyone watch porn so prostitutes and sex chats are just same department. Porn, porn porn....

    I have this image in my head that there are people that absolutely know nothing of this but maybe they just let outside world have that impression because i would not speak about this stuff to anyone, no one would know im a porn addict because its shameful. I wonder how people just meet and fuck out there. Make bonds and fuck and tells about it like its so easy and fun. Like dont they know about porn, where is the shame and inner ridicule... but i would not show that part of me either. Like porn is part of normal life today. Its just hypocrite watch porn and spoke down on people that doesnt get laid and resort to prostitutes. Its like shameful because that is common opinion about prostitutes. Porn addicts can laugh at losers in china/japan (hikikomori) that just lives in own rooms and never socialize at all. And being part of same problem, watching porn. I think hikikomori is strongly connected to porn watching, i was hikikomori practically myself. I think more you are autistic or have unregular brain patterns more the porn affect you, usually. Or better said porn affects more to others. Those guys in japan are probably heavy users. And head shrinkage like effects makes it natural to withdrawn them from social world and live by themselves.

    People laugh at them even tough they watch porn too. Its hypocrite and shameful idiocy. They dont view the bigger picture and find blame in themselves.
    World have morals in toilet, i dont feel so special in it with my prostitutes habits... i need love after all. I would love to find girls in place of prostitutes to have sex with.... And probably someday i have... Its just common sense. my world goes naturally to that direction. About my porn relapse again, i chose to not dwell in it because it doesnt feel like i need to. I have forgotten it already. I put my guard up to not do it again. I start streak again. No matter how many weeks, months or even years next streak will take i feel bit more closer to end again. I cant do more than try. I expect only best things from me, but as i watch my life its far from best, far from godlike but i have strong sense to forgive everything i do "wrong". I dont like desperately seek prostitutes to feel even bit better, or find better alternative to masturbation alone. These are shit times and im just trying to hold on best as i can. I could not give perfection for me. Not godlike one streak when absolute decision have been made and all addiction are left for rest of time. I simply could not follow that line of thought. It was too much!

    Im not god but very resilient. Battle againts addictions are last battle to have. I can afford to take my time with it.
  19. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I am about to pour some depressing shit here... that's what people usually do here... come to tell how they want to go out of this miserable hell hole where they NOW are in...

    ehh.. not going to do that now...
  20. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Jack, I'm sorry to read of your relapse. I commend your honesty in sharing your experience on here. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I have been having powerful cravings to act out today associated with stress of working away from home and the tiredness that this also brings. Your posts remind me why I have to continue to stay strong.

    You are absolutely bang on the money about the importance of staying connected with others. I find having a conversation with someone gets me out of my head and puts things into perspective. Its one of the reasons why my SA group is vital for my recovery. I'm never that far away from getting a wake up call if need one. I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope that you get back on your feet soon.

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