bad case, going for 90days and forever

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by jack91, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Jack, I am sorry to read of your emotional pain. I feel that you may be blaming too much of your emotional suffering on your porn and drug addiction. I think that we are in danger in the Nofap community of attributing too much of the difficulties we find ourselves in life to our addictions so that this becomes a limiting belief and stops us growing in other ways. It is also easy to forget that life is full of obstacles that everybody has to face, addict or not. Don't get pulled in to believing that everybody else is having an easy ride. For example, there are lots of people with social anxiety out there. I know someone who is an incredibly skilled public speaker yet experiences social anxiety. It didn't stop him from growing, he has learnt to live with it and channel its power into living.

    I understand what you are going through. As a sufferer of anxiety, my mind can persuade itself very easily that it is the victim of an horrendous condition and the intensity of the emotion makes it seem like concrete reality. What treatment are you receiving for your mental health disorders? Are you going out much and meeting new people to develop social confidence?

    I sometimes notice that I struggle to speak coherently too. What I have noticed is that it varies with my perception of the individual. If I don't know someone that well and the mind perceives them to be a threat, I find it more difficult to socialise with them than with someone who i know well and I know that I am not being judged. I think this really is all about social confidence and self-esteem.
     
  2. Fortune20

    Fortune20 Member

    Oo ok I got you .. It really is a fight .. Those urges can creep on you at anytime so you have stay cautious of it ... Have you had any wet dreams? I just had one the other day and that kind of set me back a bit it seems ... I stopped havin morning word since then when it finally started coming back smh ... So I can fill your frustation
     
  3. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Jack, I was reading some of my earlier posts back when I was making some actual progress. I feel your pain here and I am not going to marginalize it, but I do want to make you feel better.

    If indeed you've made it this far, going 2 years without porn then you've already done yourself a huge favor. It's not the end state as they say, but the journey that matters. It's the process of recovery that's important. I know that when I'm off porn I feel better and I can enjoy life more, even if I'm still tormented by thoughts of going back and watching porn.
     
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    This truly is bad bad hook. and some cases which probably are extremely rare and involve long drug dependance or various other problems... well, it can take hell of a lot of time to get yourself somewhere around what i would call normal, or even functional. my drug and porn dependance takes roots in my early teen years and ten years of hellish downhill from get to go from 14year old of age when i started watching porn, Its been bad all the way. I had millions of problems before i stopped porn, (brain wise, physically) and those are slow to recover. Brain damage, nervous damage whatever. I feel it. Well, but i mostly have just learned new way to do things and its only complaining about stuff. Im not so bad that i let on, i am actually very happy person. Whenever i come here i obviously feel somesort of need to pull all the porn related crap here, when i have good moments i try to enjoy them elswhere, as faraway from porn as possible.

    Thank you guys for the input. Im sure you get tons of easier ride out from porn than i did. No one has as hard time than me. Or so i hope and probably great many does..

    feeling bad, yet better than year ago. Much much much better.
     
  5. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    its hard to say how long i am going to keep sanity. its been hell of a long time in this ride and still no hearing voices or anything, porn thank god doest induce psychosis.
    well, that said i live in mental hospital because my other symptoms were too severe. my old friend listed some but for me listing them would take a long time and if i put every symptoms there is that would be frightening thing to do :D. I have had every symptoms in the manual potentially each of them hitted so badly in severity that it can be taken miracle that i still can write. still can eat. still can sleep.

    i feel thats there is nothing to say. world sucks, no ones interest me. 60 percent of people watch porn. losers have taken over the world !
     
  6. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I might start celibacy. It seems that sex is nothing but nuisance. Much as id like to believe sex can be refreshing and give you something, for me its simply not the case. Any sort of sex always kinda hurts me or prolongs recovery process. Its weird. Im so sad about it and sure it is depressing. "There is something beautifull, world of connections and mood lifting, all you have to do is fuck girls" and its just not the case. For starters dick do not work. This is just endless swamp, but now its way of life, no matter what i wont start masturbation willingly. I must fight againts this. Lets see for how long and to clarify what i have behind this moment.

    -ten years of isolation, anime and porn addiction
    -no bonds
    -no sex
    -hardly any feelings
    -no successes in life
    -no friends.

    Life can be hard. On top of that i work my way out from porn and present is tortured dick and brain, no feelings with anyone, no bonds and disability to have sex and enjoy it.
     
  7. springtocome

    springtocome Member

    @jack91 dude fuckin change ur focus. in terms of quitting porn you are one of the most successful out of this forum. I am having myself majos setback, where i know PMO for about 35times per month. this is just insane on top of that crippling insomnia and shit, but still i somehow progress in other areas, like working out, had 2 girls, enrolled in university where i always wanted to be, have decent income in my sphere (music), which is super hard in europe. i know my bandmates, we have been talking about these addiction, u may call them loosers, they do watch porn occasionally (due to lack of information), but still they are super succesful in my eyes (2 of them opening a huge buisiness, with gf/wifes, living their own lives, being super nice people towards others, seems like occasional porn use dont affect them...i have to get rid myself out of mud, but i realise porn is not the fuckin case, there are some major events and obsticles in my life, like being assulted which increases my P use. but even though i relapse like crazy aferwards i put myself all in my career, relationships, health...i know porn fucks me up big time (anxiety) but fuck dude u are almost 3 years. man, the fuck up bro :) there is a great website, might cure all your fucked up brain state so u leave that fuckin hospital. alloflife.org
     
  8. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Best post ever mate! I know its as you said, was good to actually hear it !
     
  9. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    its been 3years since i stopped porn or found YBR, hear me out.. 3years... its really something and in this short message you can see the lenghts this porn have taken me. well. 3years ago i stopped drugs, porn and ssri and half my life i had been dependant for something, my brain took those drugs and habits (pmo, mo, internet etc) for something mendatory, that i have to have otherwise ill die. 3years ago i found out that it was bs, i did not need them, that porn is negative and fucks up my mind, depression, social problems, sweating, erratic thoughts and all of it was porn . i had been in cycle of depression for decade and brain was just weak, without will and broken. just badly abused brain. i made my mind to stop but is it even possible anymore? can someone that has abused dope, pmo and internet for half of his life juust stop? short answer, well still its unclear but i gave it a shot, 3years of have passed, 3years since i stopped, and i can truly say i have done my best.

    sorry everyone no success story yet, maybe someday but remember if i can made it out, so can everyone who had not see death, and suffer like vermin from pmo. i went to verge of brain death till i managed to see things spiritually and found porn can be stopped, that i found porn was negative force in my life has greatly contributed my healing because after that fact i have seen so much more i had done wrongly in my life... i had done so much wrong and porn was just tip of the icebearg, but porn is important to know. i didnt know it before ybr and i was like "wtf is wrong with me" truth begun here.
     
  10. Fortune20

    Fortune20 Member

    Whats going on Jack? You've been through quite a bit in your journey ... I think one thing that can help accelerate things if you believe this is prayers ... Its helped me tremendously from addiction, and has steered my life towards the right direction .. Even if it's once in the morning and once at night a couple of minutes before you sleep it will really take your journey to the next level
     
  11. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    thank you for your input. Sometimes you need to pray, when you cant handle things on your own.
     
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Jack91 I know this is going to sound cliche, but you're already a success in my book. Yeah, life may still be shit, but you're still fighting aren't you? Right now, just putting one foot in front of the other is a success for me, because I can't seem to do anything else.
     
  13. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Hello Ace!

    Long time no see, happy to see u around! Have you won thr cancer yet? i hope you have becouse you have so much life and years ahead and models to date as i remember that was something you liked to do!

    Yes life is indeed suffering, or so i have come to believe. It didnt use to be when i was child and full of ideas but now that i am adult and ten years of porn usage behind me, life is indeed suffering. It doesnt mean life is not something to fight for, life is said to be shit till ancient times, its no reason to give up and let your mind and body rot! Its better to fight for better life. I fight everyday, i have 100push ups challenge per day going and d d d, mmmm, well working out, diet is healthy, socializing if even a little and doing volunteer work just to be around people and doing something that should help my recovery! I am attitude machine from the heavens, i feel like i have much to teach to world.
     
  14. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Okay. Some news in many ways im reliving my recovery journey from porn i started 3 years ago. I went through exactly same shit im now but back then it was far worse. I had tons of shitty ever worsening symptoms. I cant understand what kept me from slipping back for anysort of momentary relief. It was much like getting sober from heroin and having shringe in my pocket, and the whispers to take that dopeshot was ever getting stronger and stronger. I managed over a year on hardmode and then slipping started, quess i cave to endless pressure. Now its 3 years since i first started and having huge dejavu moment with all of this. Now im going through messed up shit, my dick is brutally abused and got swollen earlier this morning. Dick looks like its going to explode, im having panic attack sorta. All this weirdness and sugar from cocacola made a hit to my amygdala, dick by itself scares me shitless. And the dejawu eint a highpoint easy to remember for me either, if im to travell back 3years in time my future is fucd
     
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Hello! I have understood that few out of porn watchers really boil their brain with porn. It was for somereason worse for me. I in every moment were suffering while watching porn. It was horrible, so bad infact that i need to relearn how to live a life all over again much like i would be 5year old again. Pretty messed up. Well atm my dick is pretty badly swollen but in general my dick works okay enough, at worst when i was hugging girl i ejaculated all over my pants. I felt like psych case. There was only one difference to being mental case, i do recover. Now i can have long boners and much denser ones than back in the day and lately even ejaculation have felt something. (yeah, i have relapsed to MO many times). I am trying to get rid off all masturbating. I do fail at these things too, i am very eager to stop mo alltough my will is not without limits. 14 hours computer time today.
     
  16. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    My post are like from rated 21 horror movie.
     
  17. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    If it only were "won porn and you have yourself back for rest of your days" sorry to inform you but thats not the case. I have lost great deal of brain capacity, a big fucking chunk. There is no back to teenspirits phase for me. I dont know what will be ahead but it seems pain and agony are there for a long time. Thank GOD i did all things i wanted to do as healthy man when i had the chance because i dont have regrets about this new handicap, brain trauma. I just live on day at a time without porn, praying a freedom from a need to watch more porn, the thing that brought all that pain to me.
     
  18. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    My penis took blow, a trauma from masturbation i think. Its unclear wether just vein popped or was it nerve/tissue issue? I dont know. Penis was badly swollen few weeks back and right now i have low libido etc. Symptoms from trauma. I searchd a lot of info from web. Its possible to break your dick and have years of symptoms because of it. Some had fracture in their penis and without immediate surgery it can even lead to impotency... I hate sex/dick and ejaculation because i have only suffered from having dick. Its never been any good to me. Just fapping to porn and hellish mood swings . For fuck sake. Impotency would end your sex life. I still dream of sex whtout suffering. That it would be fun but it seems that is too much to ask. Sex have allways been symptoms for me, its only because of media that i think it should be fun. Personality changes if you dont get sex or have sex drive. This is most fucked life phase to live, its unreal how long and much work recovering from all of crap i have gone through takes
     
  19. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    my english grammar is good. I enjoy reading my posts grammar wise, content is rubbish though, just complaining. habit that dies hard.. i came here to supriše suprise Complain about somethimg.. cant recall about what. had something to do with porn.. ahh, yeah. i quess that was it. Porn hook is really bad hook, porn hook is really hard to win. the need to fap again, need to get that dopamine shot comes from being generally depressed, and being generally depressed, isolated, alone and in misery all time, everyday... its close, hard to resist.. porn is hardest hook to win, leaving drugs, tobacco and meds were easy peasy. Leaving porn is aomething you can lose to, lose to addiction and lose yourself. Itl eat you up alive, makes u a loser, breathless, spineless loser without anything to offer. After you realize it was porn all along, air try and quit, ahhh you know it now. It rips you by the soul. Even strongest minds our race have struggle and take to their coats, again and again. No one is safe. To win this you need reason beyond yourself like i have, to win this for yourself is most of the time enough but when the hold of it is more than you have in you to beat, then pray for extra light.. pray for reason, for quidance, for vision of better future, of some strenght you have within. Pray for something that gives you what you need, to get that push up.
     
  20. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I went 15 months without fapping at all. 15 freaking months and then little by little i started to relapse. I have been really dedicated and kept a tunnel vision about the end game. I cant masturbate being on my mind all the time but relapsing anyway, this offc eint good. Seems hardmode is too much to bear. It is because i keep relapsing. I dont wanna be hard for myself and dont want to fail either, so thinking of changing the rules, allow myself to MO. It feels like body forcing me to drink beer, i dont like it but refraining from MO causes burning head and social paralyzing for me. Its like losing to addiction. Nah, i thought that maybe i could reason myself to allow some masturbting but no. It will be a fight with relapses then. But for someone else if hardmode is too much allow MO 3 times a week or something like that...
     

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