i start from the very beginning, cant remember how i first found porn and that doesnt matter, but iv been watching it quite some time now. with that every problem i ever have first began. it should been so natural, so next thing i was hooked really bad, and depression followed. now days i realize neurotransmiters are all that matters they define you, least how confident you are. and when they are taken away i was left with nothing. serotonin testosterone and so forth was complete out of whack even before i resorted to hardcore drugs, with opioids masturbating and sex craving went to silent back side and they offered tremendous upsides, _at first_ hard subutex era first started when i was 17 years old. at that point i had managed to fuck up my mind with weed and over excessive masturbation, well drugs helped me to some degree. i was happy and good mood in child caring institution, this 17-18years time period. and depression came again because i continued masturbating, i try control it and failed again and again. then i was 18 and out of child caring institution, workers back there treated me like shit and my parents as well so i tought whatta fuck i continue using drugs and they didnt help me second time, i was in retarted condition more so i ever was. i was doped up and masturbating several years and felt so down,, too down. i have asperger (not social retard case) only i dont clean up, and things rarely anyone wants to do, i dont do at all. difference is normal person clean up when house one lives is too messed up. i dont. and like anyone, that made me depressed, being wanker, drug addict and almost rat problem in my house. house was a mess and serotonin etc neuro transmirents are all time low, now 23years old i decided to withdrawal myself of drugs and moved away from big city to small town away from druggie friends. here i detoc and try start sports. when i was off drugs more than two months i started gym, everything was ok and i try to accept that i masturbate all my life. then like thunder it hit me when i was at helsinki , i was about to lose my mind and going mental (psycosis) and lose my rational mind fail me if i dont stop this discusting habit, watching porn. i dont ever again watch porn. never again masturbate. it is root reason to my every problem. even worst than my depression with weed was. few days before that trip to helsinki some wierd helmet head old lady gave me head and dick didnt work i came in 15 seconds and so forth. sperm leaked like piss and that taught me a lot because i saw actual harm i had done to my dick. i like to remember days before i came porn addicted, how self confident i was. person i respected the most was myself. good humour and didnt listen shit from anyone, not from guys twice my size. i want that self esteem back. its been two weeks off, i have try this countless times before, but somehow due to fear losing my mind i am certain i will never jerk off again. that is absolute. i swear this. and my mind knows this too thats why severe withdrawal symptoms started very quickly and are rough i didnt find any info about actual process, withdrawal and if you dont want to hear whats ahead dont read (i think i am pretty severe case tough) FEAR INSANE AND UTTER FEAR HITS ME last week it went off somepoint but now its present all the time. i dont know what i fear but i fear like hell. its like pain and i cant even talk in phone. i assumed drugs help but they barely takes the edge off. im not doing drugs again for this PMO withdrawal because i am unsure if they prolong these symptoms. mood swings, my body try every trick to get me masturbate but my mind dont even want to masturbate, it wants i cum, but i know how bad that would be so i dont do that. my diet went to hell, crazy sugar lust and i eat lot more than i need. cold turkey means i will came in my sleeps because my dick needs little to none stimulation to orgasm. i dont care. usually i feel down about that and start jerking off but this time i wont. feels someone is ripping my balls and next moment balls are about to explode, acting school is about to start just now. shit what timing.. i feel fear above all else and dont know how to handle that.. this severe how long this will last.. little climpses show me i gotta go forth great life is waiting around the corner afterall i am happy i finally get rid of this curse, i will have my life back!!