bad case, going for 90days and forever

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by jack91, Sep 23, 2014.

  1. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i start from the very beginning, cant remember how i first found porn and that doesnt matter, but iv been watching it quite some time now. with that every problem i ever have first began. it should been so natural, so next thing i was hooked really bad, and depression followed. now days i realize neurotransmiters are all that matters they define you, least how confident you are. and when they are taken away i was left with nothing. serotonin testosterone and so forth was complete out of whack even before i resorted to hardcore drugs, with opioids masturbating and sex craving went to silent back side


    and they offered tremendous upsides, _at first_ hard subutex era first started when i was 17 years old. at that point i had managed to fuck up my mind with weed and over excessive masturbation, well drugs helped me to some degree. i was happy and good mood in child caring institution, this 17-18years time period. and depression came again because i continued masturbating, i try control it and failed again and again. then i was 18 and out of child caring institution, workers back there treated me like shit and my parents as well so i tought whatta fuck i continue using drugs


    and they didnt help me second time, i was in retarted condition more so i ever was. i was doped up and masturbating several years and felt so down,, too down. i have asperger (not social retard case) only i dont clean up, and things rarely anyone wants to do, i dont do at all. difference is normal person clean up when house one lives is too messed up. i dont. and like anyone, that made me depressed, being wanker, drug addict and almost rat problem in my house.


    house was a mess and serotonin etc neuro transmirents are all time low, now 23years old i decided to withdrawal myself of drugs and moved away from big city to small town away from druggie friends. here i detoc and try start sports. when i was off drugs more than two months i started gym, everything was ok and i try to accept that i masturbate all my life. then like thunder it hit me when i was at helsinki , i was about to lose my mind and going mental (psycosis) and lose my rational mind

    fail me if i dont stop this discusting habit, watching porn. i dont ever again watch porn. never again masturbate. it is root reason to my every problem. even worst than my depression with weed was. few days before that trip to helsinki some wierd helmet head old lady gave me head and dick didnt work i came in 15 seconds and so forth. sperm leaked like piss and that taught me a lot because i saw actual harm i had done to my dick.

    i like to remember days before i came porn addicted, how self confident i was. person i respected the most was myself. good humour and didnt listen shit from anyone, not from guys twice my size. i want that self esteem back.

    its been two weeks off, i have try this countless times before, but somehow due to fear losing my mind i am certain i will never jerk off again. that is absolute. i swear this. and my mind knows this too thats why severe withdrawal symptoms started very quickly and are rough

    i didnt find any info about actual process, withdrawal and if you dont want to hear whats ahead dont read (i think i am pretty severe case tough)

    FEAR INSANE AND UTTER FEAR HITS ME last week it went off somepoint but now its present all the time. i dont know what i fear but i fear like hell. its like pain and i cant even talk in phone. i assumed drugs help but they barely takes the edge off. im not doing drugs again for this PMO withdrawal because i am unsure if they prolong these symptoms.

    mood swings, my body try every trick to get me masturbate but my mind dont even want to masturbate, it wants i cum, but i know how bad that would be so i dont do that.
    my diet went to hell, crazy sugar lust and i eat lot more than i need.
    cold turkey means i will came in my sleeps because my dick needs little to none stimulation to orgasm.
    i dont care. usually i feel down about that and start jerking off but this time i wont.
    feels someone is ripping my balls and next moment balls are about to explode,
    acting school is about to start just now. shit what timing.. i feel fear above all else and dont know how to handle that.. this severe how long this will last.. little climpses show me i gotta go forth great life is waiting around the corner
    afterall i am happy i finally get rid of this curse, i will have my life back!!
     
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    this day is bad day. dick is lifeless / cold. for now it is good thing.. no cravings no desire for sex

    need to eat all the time, yet i need to follow strict diet for gym hobby

    worst for me (i am ekstrovert) is that i cant chit chat, one hot girl calls me everyday.. usually we have long calls, but my mind is totally empty again..

    scared but less than yesterday..

    this is day 20
     
  3. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    still day 20 and this one is long ass day.. i have used 80% of this day here at this forum, absorbing information

    about 20 nicotine gum per day i really must be nervous.. i wonder if i need vitamins or anything.. not yet find any tips how to handle all this, and if there is something of help
     
  4. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    for years it was always the same.. i get depressed after orgasm, it varies whether i can pretend outgoing and happy how hard time i was living..

    now evening 20 days off porn, i started spoke people a little. i dont think what i say before i say it.. i trust i say things just right.. !! i am starting peace myself back together ...

    people stay strong, upsides are too great to ignore, do not buy rationalizations.. lies stupid lies.. you dont wanna harm yourself
     
  5. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i had no idea.. what's waiting when i decide to quit PMO, but anything my head throws at me... i will withstand.

    Day 21. i had tasteful sex dreams, i usually come in case of anykind of sex dream, but this time i didn't.. probably because i haven't looked porn at all recently. i had 3-4 hours bad quality sleep..

    day before yesterday i had few codeine pills to ease these symptoms.. i dont do that mistake again, my body feels the after effects.. cold etc

    nothing much.. steady going to general direction
     
  6. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i went to gym.. try relieve stress that way.. whole trip was massive panic attack this fear rips my lungs out...

    i must withstand this..

    i am recovering drug addict as well, this is nothing compared to opioid + benzo withdrawal on same time.. i have used to withstand massive amounts of psychic pain..
    this time is really to get better.. truly this time it is going to work.. all this suffering was for this,


    i cant wait new year last happy new year was so many years ago.. this time i make promises like: i get girlfriend, i will not take drugs, i will not jack off and so on...

    my resolve sty strong. steadily strong
     
  7. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Fear hits again.. quite bad one.. please pm me if you are up for chat. I am a lot online through this severe pmo withdrawal period
     
  8. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    i had like 6-7 hours sleep and i constantly woke up..

    this morning was better, i started to have self respect again. that is good news not much confidence yet, but that is sure to come

    i don't even want to use drugs anymore, i used them to kill PMO pain, i did not know... i am normal person just as you guys..
    day 22
     
  9. fightback20

    fightback20 New Member

    Keep going mate, there is going to be ups and downs, but confidence will come :)
     
  10. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    thanks man, there is no way i fail.

    this has been better day-- no more panic attacks. i dont eat much, mood is steadily going upwards

    i went to pharmacy and now i have big dozes of vitamins, there are study that tell those b,c,d vitamins will help me recover
     
  11. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Right now.. there is no chance i relapse on PMO.. but stress is immense and what stress is?? My head wants dopamine!! I have insane need to have drugs... thank god i live so far away from druggie friends... if i can hold on these sudden stress attacs disappear and i dont need drugs ever again.
     
  12. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    day 23

    taking lot of vitamins, trying to do sports .. going to nail this rest of my days challenge, no doubt
     
  13. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I have been at computer all day.. this day 23 night have been complete agony, right now feels like something is ripping my balls real bad.. and my mind drives me insane.. can't sleep, fear, boredom and few other things

    I have very serious drug cravings.. i have suffered so long. This will be last print to recovery

    I am unsure will i cave to drug cravings... at least i wont ever be addict again
     
  14. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    at times, great feeling of self respect and joy appears.. like i remember this is i, this is who i am....

    i cant wait i hit the 80days... i have used everykind of drug there is... this is like most pure drug of all.. real stuff that just rise and rise.. confidence for more than 2days seemed unreal to me, i am about to have confidence for life.. this PMO was to blame on everything

    it varies today.. mild panic attacks and mild nostalgia
     
  15. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Fear / panic attacs happen today a lot.... my apetite is gone.. i don't mine that.. just playing killzone online.. trying to pass time..

    Anyone else experience panic attacks while PMO withdrawal?? Should i be alarmed
     
  16. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    New symptom.. no energy at all. Im at gym and just left without doing anything

    I have not eaten much at all

    Kinda depressed
    Day 25
     
  17. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Nine years of suffering ends with 3months of mega-suffering? That does not make sense...

    My head is full of pressure.. every other hour panic attacks start.. i have drug test this friday. Before then i cant take any drugs.. i dont even wanna take drugs but i sure as hell need them!!

    I have made few friends here and its liie therapy to talk with them.. i kinda like to shout to every person i am back to myself, but that means admitting i had problem to begin with... u know
     
  18. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Head takes yet again turn to worse.. massive panic attack going on.. i have these quite a lot.. day 25
     
  19. Kidicarus7

    Kidicarus7 Guest

    Hey bro I here if you need me. I had no idea how hard this was for you! Don't take the drugs bro, just message me if you feel tempted. Trust me after coming this far along you are going to feel worse if you give in ok buddy and yes I'm speaking from experience ;D
     
  20. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    I have too much shit in my head!! 1 i have failed and made fool of myself so many times!!! This fucking curse have stolen nine years of my life... those years were not worth living!!!! I have too much images from these failed years... how the fuck one goes on even if he totally recovers???

    Kidicarus.. thanks a thousand mate! You can count on me
     

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