Back2LifeBack2Reality

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Woolomooki, Mar 20, 2021.

  1. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    BacktoLifeBacktoReality

    Ok, here we go. 50 years old, living in Australia. Married for 22 years. Been looking at these journals for last few weeks and a lot has resonated with me.

    My brief history. Dad died when I was 5 and raised with my sister by my Mum since then. My older sister who was very pretty and as she went through puberty many of my friends and their older brothers (probably their Dads too) were always commenting on her to me. This always aroused a strange mix of resentment and protectiveness towards my sister in me. We didn’t really get on as young children but as adults we have become a lot closer.



    I remember being about 10 or 11 and finding my Mum’s boyfriends Penthouse and at similar age my friends older brother showed us some hardcore mags e.g. Color Climax. It was shocking, hard for my brain to process, scary but exciting. I was a quiet, bookish kid who although I had friends was happy with my own company. It was the same in early high school. I was definitely interested in girls and would worm my way in to their affections by being a good listener but I was strictly in the friendzone.

    I started having wet dreams about age 13/14 and then discovered masturbation and then PMO with the beautiful ladies of early 80s Penthouse. My Mum also bought me “Where did I come from” a kid friendly sex-ed book some of you may remember. That helped a lot but also made me want to start making love as soon as I could find a willing partner.

    I lived in a rougher suburb than my high school friends and I had local friends from that suburb that I used to hang with after school and weekends. We started to play all kinds of sports together which is something I didn’t really do at high school. In the 2nd year of high school, I made more friends and they asked why I never played sports (I was teased for my cheap gear). So, I started playing and turns out all that stealth practice against the rougher guys made me a natural. Suddenly the book nerd was playing with the jocks and doing ok. This led to more interest from girls and I was loving it.

    I had a few girlfriends and was diving in to kissing and heavy petting; good times!

    I was so horny to begin fucking that I was driving those girlfriends crazy who were trying to maintain their virginity. I cringe at the thought of how unskilled and ungentle my hands were back then. In short I was one horny little bastard.

    Age 15 anew girlfriend who had already had sex displayed an interest and one baking hot day after school she came around and we just started doing it, I still remember her so clearly and the experience was great, once started we didn’t stop for about 3 months straight: very good times.

    After that I had long term girlfriends and my sex life was pretty normal for a young healthy guy. I was routinely unfaithful whenever an opportunity rose, I just couldn’t help myself when a new girl displayed interest. I also used to jerk off regularly as well, although not usually with porn.

    I got married to my wife at age 27 and we had a good if unspectacular love life. From our early fireworks she gradually seemed to get more prudish. Not to any great level but compared to the early days it was a slow decline. So slowly masturbation and porn usage crept back into my life. This coincided with the rise of the internet and smart phones. We had put off having children while she was trying to be a professional theatre maker. Relationship wise we had a few wobbles especially around the 7 year mark. I was tempted by some work flings I did not cheat. I had discovered massage parlours particularly Thai or Chinese ones and a good massage with a sensual ending was a revelation. Fast forward to 2010 and there I am age 40, I was the breadwinner, we were living in the UK and life was pretty good. Both sides of our family and friends constantly asking when the babies are going to come. So, we decided to try and have a baby. Having watched friends really struggle we were prepared for disappointment and the prospect of IVF. Doctors confirmed sperm count was good so off we went. Bam! Pregnant in a week! Cue the happiness and shock, very happy and people were so happy for us it was just great.

    We were trying not to tell anyone until the magic 3month scan but was too exciting news not too share. Then came that scan and they detected abnormalities, a second scan confirmed our son would have been born with severe developmental issues (Downs syndrome with a high chance of death in utero). We agonized over the decision and my wife’s best friend who had a Downs baby boy was completely honest with us about the impact it had on her life. In the end we decided to abort. It was a hugely painful decision that still causes grief to this day.

    We went through some time of mourning and were encouraged by family, friends and the doctors to try again. About 6 months later we felt ready to give it another try. We were feeling sad but hopeful. One day at work my wife was calling me but I was in a meeting. After the 3rd call I excused myself and rang her, forgot she had been for a routine breast exam. Lump, fuck, doctors did urgent scan; Cancer! The same cancer which killed one of her older sisters 10 years previously.

    Panic stations, luckily, I had a good job, with private health cover. Wife had to start treatment as soon as possible. We were advised to do a course of IVF in order to get some embryos stored in case treatment caused any complications. So in 1 week we did that and then went to clinic to get embryos sorted, result was 3 viable. Then the merry-go-round of cancer treatment began. I know I am not the Lone Ranger where this is concerned. Treatment was really god quality which made the whole experience more bearable but it really does make you evaluate your life and we decided to move back to Australia.

    Settling back in but still having regular check-ups it was found that my wife was also developing ovarian cancer so she eventually had to have a complete hysterectomy. As well as removing her ability to conceive or carry a baby it also brought on early onset menopause. Previously I had thought of menopause being a bit of a joke but it has had a devastating impact on our love life. The constant hot flushes and associated flashes of anger are bewildering and concerning. Added to this the medication my wife has been on has also made her put on a lot of weight. All in all our recent experiences have not been conducive to romance to put it mildly. I still love my wife and I admire her for her strength in getting through all of this to get back to some normal life and in fact flourish in terms of her career.

    However our relationship is somewhat broken and the physical intimacy side beyond hugging and kissing is just too difficult so we tend to shy away from it. Due to my wifes weight gain she started developing sleep apnoea and I have taken to sleeping in the spare room as I am a light sleeper and the snoring was driving me crazy.

    All through these last few years I have self-soothed myself and my sexual feelings through PMO or when I had money I would go get a massage usually at an AMP. Gradually both these activities increased in frequency and duration. The last few years especially have escalated even though outwardly life was going well. We had moved to Australia and my wife had found a dream job so we went for it and moved to a city neither of us had ever lived in. I got a decent low stress job which has been very enjoyable and we bought our first house.

    But still PMO or happy ending massage for my sexual outlet and an overall drift into depression and aimlessness like life is just going through the motions. Only making work type friends with very few connections of any substance has left me feeling alone and dark. My old friends are all very settled in their lives and cities. Most of them have their own families so I just feel awkward when we do catch up.

    PMO got really bad a couple of years ago and I started noticing I was getting EDas well. Erections wouldn’t come automatically and were not the steel bar they had been previously. As others have experienced my danger times were when I had spare time or my wife was out/away. Then I would go on a PMO binge chasing the perfect clip. Hours would vanish and then the shame and self-disgust would crash down on my head. I would swear to never do it again until I…did it again. And again. Yadayada you know the drill.

    2 years ago I had a hip arthroscopy to clean up what had become a painful old condition. The recovery was great at first then complicated as I experienced knock on effects. My Covid year was pretty good considering because I had changed jobs to a low stress, nice organisation while still maintaining my earnings. But as the year went on and I approached the milestone of 50 the depression started to kick in. My Mum's cancer came back and she lives in another city so my sister and I try to tag team to see her. Her condition is terminal so we are just trying to get her all the proper care in place but it sucks to see such a strong woman laid low.

    So far 2021 has been good for PMO, I started off making a resolution to stop this shit and so far so good with a couple of big caveats. I have been seeing a couple of women for massage, a Chinese and a Thai lady. Both are married and over the last 6 months relationships with both have developed and then petered out because the next steps were full affairs and neither of us has the time or the inclination to really commit to it. Because of the secretive nature of our meetings they are very passionate. I have been very anxious about making love with either of them. I finally did it with the Chinese lady (I'll call her Lin) and it was very awkward at first with ED so I just concentrated on her pleasure.
    It was great just to express my sensual side with another person after so long. She was a little bit stunned and embarrassed because I made her lose control and yet my dick would not stay hard.
    Since then we did it a few more times and the last time was fantastic. After thar time we had a great talk about how realistic it was to continue and progress. We didn't want to hurt our partners and both agreed we had juat had a perfect moment. We had fantasies of running off together and indulged them for a while but then reality kicked in.

    We have cooled things down for the moment. I feel it has equally helped and hindered my recovery. I really needed to feel that passion again as I have been feeling generally flat. Reading about people's flatline experience on this forum has resonated strongly with me. I believe I am in that zone and I half want to go full hard mode and swear off any stimulation including seeing these women and half wanting to see them but stay off porn, stimuli in general. I have had a couple of relapses in the last couple of weeks where I desperately wanted to confirm I could still get a full erection so I went to erotic stories site and MO'd. I then found myself a few days later in a youtube rabbit hole looking for sex scenes in martial arts movies. I have been good at staying off my usual porn sites and image searches but clearly I still have a long way to go.

    So, sorry for the long winded confessional post. I am setting my counter from today and will aim for 90 days to try and reset my brain. This will mean no vids, pics or stories and talking to the 2 women concerned to let them know that I am going to spend time working on myself. This may mean giving up massage for a while which will probably save me some money as well. I want to do this for me, to break the cycle and to get my sense of self back.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It is cathartic to release all of our stuff via a journal. I applaud your honesty and your decision to turn your life in a better direction. As a serial cheater I can tell you that affairs always end in heartbreak. Affairs are exciting in the beginning, but they are incredibly diminishing to us as men. We are basically giving away our power to a myth. In a very real sense we are looking for validation, probably the kind of validation we hoped our mom would give us. The reward of giving up PMO/massage parlors is that we can begin to claim our manhood and thus start a journey where we heal ourselves for ourselves. This isn't about your wife and it certainly isn't about some broken bimbo who is willing to cheat with you; it's just about you!

    You're in the right place. Journal often. I have no doubt you will find an amazing life on the other side of all your troubles.
     
  3. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Cheers, thanks for sticking with that huge rant. I feel like I have done pretty well with the porn recently until that slip up with the story site but I can feel that craving starting to come back after what had been a good couple of months. I have been reading a few of the journals on here so decided to take the plunge in order to increase my sense of accountability. Finding ways to circuit break the cravings is key for me.
     
    Saville likes this.
  4. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Wow, had a terrible weekend feeling like I was going to have a breakdown. Was try to distract myself looking up research on childless men and it just opened me up like a wound. Freaked my wife out a bit and we had a good talk but I still am not ready to give her the whole story. I was angry for the most of the day and she bore the brunt of it. Luckily I ctied it out and then could tell her something and make amends. I will try and get to psychologist as soon as I can so I can unload and get some strategies in place. The title of the piece that got me was "The unheld hand" and boom just gutted me. Still I didn't succumb to PMO so that is something.
     
    Saville likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We all have our trigger points and they can send us down the well. Great job staying on point, Woolmooki!

    I'm not sure what you mean by giving your wife the whole story, but most of our journey is us dealing alone. You have this forum, a therapist (if that works for you), and other male friends. Our problems stem from the relationship we have with ourselves and so unloading on our wives, or any other woman for that matter, is actually counterproductive. I used to look for women to confide in (hence the affairs I had) but I've come to believe that men should share only with other men. Yes, it can feel like a solitary route, but how did the past work out for us?
     
  6. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Hi,

    I am looking for other men to share with but haven't formed that close friendships with anyone in my new city. Been here 7 years now and at my age everyone is pretty settled in their circles but it is also true that I could try harder to cultivate or seek out friendships. That has been an issue all my life, I make friends easily but I don't put in enough effort to maintain or strengthen those initial bonds. I am seeking out a new therapist so hopefully that will help.
    I have been sick off work with gastro the last few days which has made it easy to stick with no PMO. I have just been resting and rehydrating between toilet visits - good times. Once I get back to normal will be more of a challenge.

    At the moment I have cut off any contact with the other women and have resolved not to chase that intimacy. I am very lucky to have a wife that cares for me. My issue is the lack of attraction I feel for her. I admire her spirit and mind but there is no desire there. Don't really want to talk about it with her until I see a therapist just to talk through the issue and get some outside perspective.
     
  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Confiding in women rarely if ever works! All it does as I see it---- is make them see the man as weak. As Saville said this is about you and for you no one else!
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think talking to the therapist will be helpful. The reason being is that (yes, I'm going to repeat myself) it is OUR journey. It is hard to disassociate ourselves from wanting to "feel" things deeply, feel desire, have passion, etc, but that is the old us talking. Because we didn't get to know our inner-selves early on it is easy to get distracted by "pretty things." I cheated, I sexted with unseen persons, and had cyber-sex all the time. It was easy, it was low-hanging fruit. The stimulation was just enough to keep me from facing how awful I felt. The amazing thing is that once we get on the road to liking ourselves a bit the people around us respond with all kinds of positive energy. People, our spouses, find our new energy rather infectious.

    Hope you feel better soon!
     
  9. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    I have talked to a therapist before especially when going through the really tough times of 10 years ago. But I found that I fell in to a pattern of getting stressed/depressed then seeing a therapist, unloading, feeling relief and then stopping the therapy. Rinse and repeat with things like porn and massage filling the void until it all gets too much again. That is why I enjoyed reading the 40+ forum as it is full of relateable stories. I feel I am getting on the right track finally the trick is to stay on it.
     
  10. badger

    badger Active Member

     
  11. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Day 6 without PMO thanks to that bout of gastro. Hard to think of sex when the world is falling out of my arse. Slowly back to normal from Thursday morning and even better today so taht I was able to eat normal foods and even went swimming after work so all in all a good day and feeling positive.
    Still in flatline period but after the stomach bug it's hard to get a good idea of how dead. Lost 4.5 kgs in 4 days and my urine stream was just a dribble so was getting anxious and doctor got me to get a blood test for prostate antigen amongst other things.

    However today urine stream is back to normal so hopefully was just the bug Will find out Monday. Wife has been very supportive which makes me feel guilty. Got to realise that me feeling good today is not an excuse to not get a therapist organized. I need to deal with this shit!
     
  12. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Day 9 Have been feeling so much better after the recent bout of gastro feel like a new man which has helped cruise the last couple of days with no real desire to PMO. However I am increasingly catching myself thinking about every woman I interact with in sexual terms. It's kinda gross and I am not sure what I am trying to achieve by doing so.

    I quickly swem to jump to fantasising about sexual scenarios with the ones I find attractive. Why? I am not going to do anything about it and when I really stop and examine my feelings I find I don't want to. It's like a reflex reaction. Thanks to reading other's posts I have signed up to Recovery Nation to have a look at the resources. I am just beginning to grasp how big of an issue this is for me and that it is only the outward manifestation of issues at the core of myself. It is daunting but I think I am ready to peel back the layers and poke around.
     
  13. badger

    badger Active Member

    good for you. this is an inside job. we come clean from the inside out. this is the most important issue i have to face today, because if i clean my side of the street, everything else usually falls in place. never giving up.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  14. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Goddammit, was congratulating myself on doing good, then one of the women I had a bit of a thing with months ago texts me out of the blue to announce she is leaving her husband and moving in with her adult son for a while. I chatted with her pretty neutrally eg congrats on moving on etc but afterwards I was shook up and fantasy was coming on strong.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bingo!

    This is a great place to be at. I'm excited to see how your journey unfolds.

    These broken people are everywhere, always looking to make themselves feel better. I remember, just after finding this place, a woman from my past suddenly sent me a facebook message. She said she remembered me from the old days, I was so much fun, always the life of the party, etc. My ego began to puff up and I started writing a rather flirty message in response. But, probably like you are doing now, I reassessed the situation. Wasn't this exactly the kind of thing that got me into trouble in the past? I immediately deleted her message and blocked her. I would advise you do the same and block her number. We must cut off the old psychic ties as they are like the devil trying to reel us back into its clutches.
     
  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    i don't get in trouble for my thoughts. i get in trouble for my negative behaviors that follow those thoughts.
     
    Saville likes this.
  17. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    What the actual fuck! Now the other woman I was semi involved with a while ago texts to say long time no speak. So I tell her I am struggling and want to just forget about her for a while. She has a lot of guys she keeps on the dangle. It's one of the reasons I took a step back because she accidentally texted me a conversation meant for someone else. It was kinda funny and decided me on leaving her to it. When I called her out on it she got very angry and upset. All the other guys were just for games but not me... Well, sure, ok lady
    So I told her I was going to work on my relationship and so should she. Very reduced contact after that and I thought that was that. Now tonight, declarations of love and an urgent need to see me in person. Man, my emotions are all over the place, then my wife asking me if everything's ok?

    I need to just get a grip and not be tempted to meet either of them. It's like I miss the drama and want to experience it again and yet each of us knows we're not going to change the situation.

    Replaying scenes of when we were fooling around in my head. Luckily have a gym class tonight so will go do that and forget this shit.
     
  18. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Thanks badger I am going to have to distract myself and avoid the possibility of negative behavior. I feel a bit calmer reading some of the other guys stories and realising my situation is far from unique. I agree the behaviour is the most important thing for me to get right and start working on the thoughts.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Block all women from your past. It's hard to do, but a must in order to keep one's head clear.
     
  20. Woolomooki

    Woolomooki New Member

    Well, after last nights developments I was a bit flustered and it took a while to get to sleep. I have been in flatline for most of the last 3 months with only occasional flickers of life. But this morning woke up with 80% erection. Very tempted to rub one out fantasising about these women. Managed to resist and go to work and am busy tonight with social engagement. Real test will be the weekend when I will have time to see them. I know I shouldn't but the desire to see if I have a physical reaction when seeing them is so tempting. I just want to feel normal. I hate this, I never had to think about it when I was younger. Now it's like my dick is on work experience and doesn't know what to do. So frustrating.
     

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