Back from the dark...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by eqmindcomp, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Hi All, I decided to reclaim my humble position here and try this process again. It's been almost a year and the excuses keep coming every morning. I made the commitment in 2011 to quit this habit and have seemingly attempted every compassionate reason both beyond "me" for the sake of collective greater good and still I continue to struggle.

    I will attempt to focus more on self compassion, a hard notion given the self loathing generated by years of failed attempts. I've tried normalizing PMO, but I think underneath the socially acceptable idea that anything a lot of people do is ok, like so many other social conventions with a fuzzy agenda, there is this rationalization and tolerance of victim hood that normalize it. Discipline and hard work are really the only thing that can truly solve this. The self esteem hit and the frustration are all a result of not putting in the effort.

    For me PMO is purely a mechanism to stave off anxiety and to give me a mental break from the constant flow of stress and anxious thoughts that stream through everyone's life. I need to implement meditation and commit to rebooting every day with a goal of a better sense of self at the end of the journey.

    I think the demons that may come out after day 21 are for me also a challenge. I find that territory extremely tough, the mind really starts to conspire against you, pulling up fears and anxiety at new intensities and the mere glimpse of porn is like eating food after a fast, it sort of reinforces why you never want to leave PMO.

    I don't mean to be negative on the process or dissuade anyone from cutting out PMO, its just a real challenge and it seems that every time I launch into it, timing seems to be all wrong and I somehow position myself to fail by struggling with the baby steps and protocol that other successful rebooters have implemented.

    I will attempt it once again and continue on my quest to tame this sinister beast...can't be right to PMO every day? I don't suffer from ED but more just a lethargy and feeling of exhaustion.

    Anyone tried CBD as an anti-anxiety alternative? or to sooth the cravings?
    40New30 likes this.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Lethargy, exhaustion, anxiety -- all hallmark signs of a porn addict. Addictions trap us by many means, but it would seem that your addiction traps you by turning up your anxiety when you try to get clean (very common), so, obviously you must find ways to beat anxiety as you quit P. CBD oil will only be a minor tool, I assure you.

    There are many supplements, pills, and potions which can effectively battle anxiety, but lifestyle is #1. Do you drink coffee? If you do, you may have to quit...for good. Do you get enough sleep? Do you exercise? Massage? Meditation? Do you avoid shit in your life? Do you procrastinate? Are you happy with your life?

    Like many others here, I wasn't able to quit porn until I threw everything and the kitchen sink at it, nobody quits porn in a vacuum; instead you must address virtually every issue in your life.

    Think of this as a blessing, not a curse.
  3. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Thanks 40new30...I guess my awareness of how manifested this addiction really is needs a wider scope. Feels like I'll be mourning a lot of lost time around the corner...sometimes that alone is demoralizing. I hate medication and I don't drink coffee, the odd cup of tea. CBT to take a bit of the edge off but I'm too anxious to try it...fear of getting high from a bad experience many years ago.

    So start with the issues or let them creep up through the process of rebooting... I know the answer.

    Its a vicious cycle.
    40New30 likes this.
  4. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Alright day two and I'm already feeling the curse, the total indifference then the lustball at the first sight of a sexy woman. Gotta stay vigilant. I think something that drives my anxiety is not letting go of those tiny injuries inflicted by so called friends. I put together a long list of people that I felt had wronged me and wrote out what it was that they had done that had pissed me off or had led to holding a resentment etc. The process of writing those out was tough at times but also helped me in some cases shift my perspective on a particular incident.

    Most of the time people act like jerks for selfish reasons which have little to do with you. Your job is to stay in your zone and be cautious study people and learn them slowly before revealing anything or letting them closer. My curse is that of a people pleaser, I've learned to curb the sense of obligation to people and learned to say no. I constantly see the violation of peoples time, interests and self centered-ness, the only antidote is to be selective of who you give your time to.

    I've cut out a lot of friends in the last few years, ones that I made too much of an effort for and those that were clearly there to take... I guess the tough part is forgiving yourself for tolerating friends like that. No friends at all. In the end its my own neediness that I need to come to terms with, understand it, why it is that i'm needy in that way and accept it....that's a hard one.

    Ah yes the remnants of childhood neglect bore large black holes in the psyche that require constant attention that has for me has resulted in the undermining of self respect and values for something intangible need filled in the form of poor friendships. Now that I've put self respect in its rightful place, the wrong people disappear, its not easy but when you swim upstream against poor inclinations, you discover a deeper sense of worth - its definitely a feeling of displacement when you start making the right decisions. It's in those quiet moments of grace, when you remember being used or tolerating assholes and slowly you regain a sense of self respect that you thought you had to compromise. It's allowed me to be more honest with myself and people around me. I don't have the need to impress, I just tell my story straight up and it feels honest, accurate and human. There's no residue of concealment shame, you can walk with authenticity, no con job.

    PMO isn't even enjoyable, sure there's a rush but I'm just going through the motions, tame the beast as it were. There's no novelty and the part of my brain dedicated to sexual impulse feels like a one dimensional show that's well overdue to be taken off the air....

    Day 3 tomorrow.....
  5. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    When you have friends where you do all the giving it can make you feel used and a mug to be taken advantaged off just like porn does, have you read a book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover ?
  6. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Thanks a good paradigm shift. Day 4 and the urges are coming to get me, at the core I'm flat lining but that doesn't matter. The tug a war begins. The silver lining is that good vibe about making it this far. I made the mistake of suggesting to a friend that porn was a bit of a problem (tip of the iceberg) and the reaction is always the same, ridiculed and filed as absurd....yet the crushing headaches from running out of coffee and waiting 5 days for a fresh deliver doesn't seem to ring a bell. How many bells I've ignored. Man this beast is so lodged in.

    Alright enough complaining, distraction time.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Just keep moving forward one moment at a time. Good job staying clean.
  8. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Crash and burn, too many adjustments, need to take one at a time....
  9. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    Day one, how many times....ok moving onward with some new rules.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I like your signature. Life really is simple. There's no magic formula, just the will to follow through with what we all already know is a good life.
  11. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    moving - will add more shortly

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