Back from death, I need another round of work

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gandalf the Grey, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. On the right path.

    Slept a little bit.

    When I woke up I reached for my phone for messages. Apps were gone so no messages.

    The reach is habit.

    After I realized that I thought about it.

    I feel lonely and the dating apps give me a semblance of connection. I know it’s not real but it feels real... it is like a cheap substitute.

    To get to the real thing I have to find healthy ways to feel fulfilled. Then healthy will attract healthy.

    D
     
  2. Fighting the temptation to reinstall the dating apps.
     
  3. The temptation has been a constant today. I did not give in. There’s a false connectedness that I get from those apps. Like a picture to picture the picture it feels like a relationship with whoever is in the picture. The temptation has been a constant today. I did not give in. There’s a false connectedness that I get from those apps. Like the picture to picture to picture it feels like a relationship with whoever is in the picture. Hey strikes me as odd that essentially G rated pictures of the same affect. But I realize that it’s the two and three dimensional picture not necessarily the nudity but still got the hook on my brain.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2018
  4. Day 1 without dating apps in my life. They are what is left of my porn habit (and some online erotica). And in hindsight of the last 12 months deeply rooted in my life.

    They are gone. I am clear as to their role in my life. I have peeked at porn but use of actual porn is few and far between. Dating apps have been on and off but really more on. I look at profiles like I do porn. I fap sometimes particularly when I am interacting with someone new. I get bored easily and give up on a woman and then begin looking again. It is g-rated porn. Just because they have their clothes on (mostly) doesn't make it any less toxic. I had been fooling myself that because it wasn't porn it wasn't still grinding my brain in toxic ways.

    "How am I going to find "her"?", I keep asking myself.

    The answer to that questions isn't relevant because I'm not going to attract the woman I want if I don't get myself right.

    I'm not going to keep her if I don't get these habits under control. I've got to be real with myself. I'll find her and then "swipe left" and look for someone else. It is what I've taught myself to do.

    And I'm going to always be empty.

    I don't like thinking about going into monk mode ever. And I realize now that I really need to go into monk mode for an extended period of time. I don't like that. I've known that but ignored the knowledge for quite some time. I'm not going to cross over until I just give everything up. Being 90% porn free isn't enough.
     
  5. Slept tremendously well and long last night. CRAZY dreams! A hint of MW when I woke up. No reach for the phone as my first act of the day. Really no thought about dating apps, girls, PMO, etc.

    Walked dogs. Had breakfast. Today is a work day so I sat down at the computer. Up pops a story about a young scientist and she happens to be beautiful and my "let's get into the dating apps" process kicks off. Ugh.

    I didn't. I stopped reading the article. Shut the tab down and logged in here.

    Likely more to say as the day progresses. The authentic me has a shit ton of things to do today!

    GtG
     
  6. I know I've found the right thing to cut out because it is driving me crazy.

    This feels exactly what it felt like when life was hours a day binge on porn and I stopped. I'm in a fog. My brain keeps suggesting all these reasons to rejoin the dating apps. Cleaning out my text messages to get rid of any temptations hidden in there, I tripped across some pics. Spun me up. I laid down to sleep it off which usually works for me and started to M. Got up. Restless. Fighting.

    I've been screwing around talking about this stuff for so long. I'm doing it. I'm going to stick to it this time.

    I'm agitated. Yelled at my son twice for no reason.

    I wrote out a list of 35 things to do today when I woke up this morning. Number isn't magic. I just kept writing until I didn't have any more room on the paper.

    I've got 9 of them done. Plenty of day left. The plan is to end the weekend with the entire list done to feel good about the progress. And to have that progress be a distraction to keep my hand out of my pants.

    It worked in the past and it is mostly serving me well today.

    At 4 pm I'm at day 2 ... going to make that ... and then on to 3.
     
  7. Hanging tough.

    Ran some errands last night. I'm on a bourbon kick (collecting, not binge drinking it) and I went to a liquor store on a hunt for some hard to find bottles then to IKEA for some small things for the apartment. I have this all or nothing view of things. It feels odd to small projects but I spent $30, got a shelf and now have a project to do today.

    I PMO or hit dating apps when I'm idle. My list of things to do this weekend has helped. Last night was spontaneous. I am going to make a list of things to do when I have idle time. Keeping busy ... keeping productive moves me ahead and keeps my idle hands off my junk.

    Have a great day!
     
  8. And just like that I am at 3 days, clean. As clean a 3 day streak as I had since I have posted here as Gandalf.

    I sat through a long boring afternoon wrestling tournament (5 hours in which I spent about 5 minutes 4 x as warmup holder, match filmer, coach and cheerleader). Did some work. Took a nap. Temptation nudged me to fire the apps again. After just a few days the tug isn't very hard. I really have confidence I'm going to do it this time.

    Read some last night ... I've never done this before but read a bunch of meme posting about success. Some hokey. Some hard hitting.

    The point I think ... I feel ... I finally have gotten is that I three choices .... continue as I have been and have no one, settle for someone less than I deserve / want, patiently invest in this process and be in a position to be comfortable with myself and then if I bump into her great ....

    Themes were along the lines of don't chase be good enough to be chosen ...

    So the mission is ...

    Stay clean of porn, dating sites
    Stay patient with the process which may mean a 2018 with out much female contact
    Focus on the authentic me
    Have faith in what can happen

    GtG
     
  9. Coming up on 4 days.

    I am enjoying the calm of not always checking my phone. I get a rush from the anticipation and the chase that goes with online dating apps, but I realize now as I think about that behavior it was as unsettling as it was exciting.

    I now see the insanity of it.

    First, it is every thing porn is just with a more legitimate purpose. Women are clothed but you can't swipe fast enough to see the next one. Just as toxic. And a dating app session was always followed by erotica and Fapping. And then I'd look myself in the mirror and tell you that I hadn't looked at porn. Yeah, right.

    Second, what the fuck do I need a woman in my life for right now?! I'm still digging myself out of my disaster. Trying to bring a woman into the remodeling and rebuilding would just make a mess. The right woman would enhance it but I'm not going to find her randomly swiping right. The wrong woman will slow it down or fuck it up and I am highly likely to find her swiping right.

    Lesson ... or rather reminder because I already knew this ... but if you can just pry yourself away from the poison you see much more clearly.
     
  10. Up late working. Feeling lonely. Of course, if I had a woman in my life she'd be pissed I worked a 16 hour day. So it's good I don't! BUT I still feel lonely ... very mild temptation that is easy to fend off .... but the loneliness is strong ... just calling it out.

    RD
     

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