Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Gandalf the Grey, Nov 24, 2017.
I wonder if this might be of use?
@Billy B., I'll have to check that out. I had been using TODOIST. I'm a geek and like the app but an analog version of it might do the trick. Rebooting my tracking system is on my list of things to get done in this 40 days.
Going to bed. Nothing out of bounds tonight. Temptation raging. Ran a mile and a half. Got some work done. Plan is set for tomorrow. Everything feels good. Just have to keep focused on each day and let time do its work.
In bed. Wide-awake. The run did not help. But I’m going to do two days until I get the weight off. And, frankly, I pose as an athlete. I can go into a CrossFit gym do a hard workout pretty much anytime. But I’m not always moving and I’m not always doing something athletic. So it’s not just the wait. It’s holding myself accountable to who I imagine myself to be.
Read some tonight. Rereading YBOP and other materials on PIED. I know I have a 60 or longer day flat liNe Coming my way. There is some activity down there. It’s not consistent with the other times I’ve started everything.
The readings helpful. Last time I read much that material the science did not sink in. I do remember some of it. I have to remember to slowly add things and it’s not like I can flip a switch and fix it all all at once.
Fighting the urge to test. Anyway I’m going to jump in the headspace and see if I can meditate myself into a relaxed state and get to sleep
Funnily enough, it has a digital companion. That said, the basic analogue system is free and almost infinitely flexible. I've only been using it a few weeks but at this stage I can say I'm very impressed.
Man, you're so on it... You got this.
Raging nocturnal hard on last night. Woke up with it. Almost hurt it was so crazy swollen. Morning comes and nothing much. Consistent with the research I've read where PIED is a dopamine problem not a testosterone problem. There is relief that the system works but the controls are fucked up.
Woke up and wanted to MO but it wasn't desire from the libido but a nervous energy seeking release. I walked the dogs instead.
Meditated myself to sleep last night. One and a half headspace sessions and I shut the mind down enough that I slept pretty well. Again, laying in bed I wanted to MO ... to "test things" but managed to dodge that feeling which was a desire to release nervous energy.
@Billy B., I do feel like I'm getting this, if not that I have it. The trick now is doing what I've done for nearly 4 days now and repeating it over and over. Time is the healer and I have to let it work.
I think it was as simple as making a decision. I've been on dates but I've not warmed to the idea of having a woman in my life on a regular basis. As things progress the threat of a PIED failure holds me back. Its been like a Chinese Wall against really pursuing a relationship.
I WANT a relationship though I am not ready for something super serious. I'm not going to have a normal relationship if I don't get this under control.
It's like a switch has flipped.
I remember when I ended the crisis and kicked addiction ass last year I relaxed with purpose and was incredibly prolific on here as I journaled not just about my feelings but about the things I read and discovered in the readings.
On routine this morning which is good.
Got up, got the routine out of the way, a few work emails, shower (gotta remember to make'em cold!) and then I stretched out for 45 minutes. End of the day presentation to a couple hundred people at a conference this afternoon. No reason to go balls to wall all day long.
I'm giving my mind time to relax and heal. Everything feels good.
Windshield time between clients. Thinking. I worry.
I worry if things will ever truly work again. I think back to the last time I had good sex. That was almost 2 years ago. It was a loving, intimate act and I felt like a man. Since then I've had many self induced O, some so-so intercourse, some partner assisted O's that weren't satisfying and several failed attempts at intercourse.
I miss that last moment. I miss the act and the feeling of intimacy, love and masculinity. I do not any longer miss the partner. At 52, though, I wonder if I'll ever feel that again with any partner and then I wonder when that partner will come along.
For so long my sexual tastes weren't exactly vanilla. IT is too early to tell but when things worked all the time before porn became as prolific in my life as oxygen and caffeine sex for me was active, rambunctious and a little edgy (sometimes). Some kinks I know I picked up along the way as sensitization kicked in. Many of those are behind me know.
So I worry that things won't work and I worry that I don't know the real me sexually and I truly can't know until I have the patience to let this process work.
I'm killing it right now. Devoted. Dedicated. Resolute. I'm going to lick this. I worry though because many other times I've felt that only to get into a bad spot and slip again.
I have come to realize that for me routine is EVERYTHING and as long as I focus on the routine I won't blunder into bad territory. But I realize I have it in me to drop the routine.
I am tempted to try to game the process, hurry it along somehow. Immersing myself in it is certainly going to move it along but not speed it up. I've reasearch supplements with that very thing in mind but I realize they only provide marginal benefits and do not replace good diet, meditation, rest, no PMO, vigorous workouts, etc. There is no magic pill. But I want there to be!
So I can get to the end of the reboot and deal with these other things.
Feeling the libido tonight. Feels more real than nervous tension. I was feel like I’ve jumped work fast forwarded through the flightline without having the flatline. Not like I’m in an instant state of confidence where I’m certain I could have sex. Not a temptation to touch tonight so much as a desire to have somebody here with me. Anyway just naming the game at the moment
Napped it off.
I've been having great success for my ADD/depressive symptoms with a combination of herbs, amino acids, and vitamins. It's taken me a few years to figure out what works for my body, but they work and way better than pharmaceuticals (I have tried a lot of those too).
Keep it going, this is the hardest part.
The thing that fucking sucks about this is that to beat it you have to put it in focus. Killing it has to come first. Which means when you have shit to do it doesn't get done.
On routine 4 days in a row. I've got work to do tonight and I'm in a fog. Chipping away at the work. Won't get it all done. Am OK with that. Well not entirely.
At some point when the crises ended and the new life started I stopped putting recovery at the top of my list -- regained weight, started drinking, made a deal with myself that erotica & dating apps were ok, and .... --
I always tell my kids when it comes to life you have the pain of discipline v. the pain of regret. I regret losing my focus on myself last year and getting caught up on less aspects of myself. I'm passed the beating myself up stage. I realize that even as my life speeds up I need to slow the fuck down and put this top of mind.
And as I type this I realize I sound a bit like a drama queen!
It is what it is. Lesson learned is that healing and self have to stay on top of the list.
Spent the last hour pushing the envelope in the wrong way. Earlier tonight I was talking to woman I’ve met this week. I mention I go to church. That’s a nonnegotiable for me. The woman I end up needs to share the faith I have. Reaction was neither negative nor positive. I got spun up.
What bothers me the most is that that is a nonnegotiable for me but I’m not exactly commit or convicted about it. Not knowing what she’s thinking was enough to spin me out-of-control.
No reset. Fuck it was close. Obviously triggered by the potential for rejection.
I’m actually going to call it reset. On the positive I slept like a baby once I caught myself. But for what was in reality probably 90 minutes I was in territory I promised myself I wouldn’t go. Too much tub and pool and a little bit of peeking at craigslist.
That disturbed me. It was enough to call it a close one but not a fall.
Each night this week I’ve had a nocturnal hard on of some substance. Before last was like I was 18 all over again. And then I would wake up with something. Nothing last night. Woke up with nothing.
I’ve read the science behind all this. Simplified it’s like we have this pool of manhood. We drain it as we sat our way through life. We mute its interests In things that turn us on from overuse in so we look for more shocking things.
We stop. The pool of manhood slowly resets and fills back up. I had restored four days of the pool so to speak. It didn’t take much. And it didn’t take much to drain it. So I have to call a spade a spade and say that for 90 minutes last night I dreamed a significant part of the pool i built up. That’s a reset.
I keep so positively busy at work I don’t think about porn or dating apps during the day. If I had a dating app on my phone I would check it. I but not having one available has completely put the thought out of my mind. It’s been a great week except for the hour and a half last night.
Flatline. Good sleep. Woke up with a little energy between the legs and a 10% or so woody. Sometimes with PIED that is exciting! But no big deal this morning.
By the time I ran through the morning routine that energy had subsided and I am sure flatline had started. I have the smallest penis in the world at the moment!
Been working long enough I accept flatline as part of the processs. If history repeats I’ve got more than 30, less than 60 days and the first signs of recovery will start to appear. The key is staying hands off!
I could look at porn and beat off or I could type random thoughts here.
I choose random thoughts.
Sigh. Actually, I'm pretty much into the start of a good flatline. Thankful for it. I know it is part of the process and it is easier to abstain if you ignore the fear that drives you to test it because it might be "broke". Ain't broke. Rebooting.
The habit of doing something is with me even with the flatline.
In 2017 that would mean some erotica, some dating sights but no porn. Uh, that's enough like porn it's porn.
Before 2017 it would have been porn porn porn.
So now I choose not porn and frankly, go a little bit crazy.
I miss having a real erection.
I miss having a real girlfriend / lover.
I do not miss having a wife but that's a totally different topic.
I'm going to gut this out until things work again.
The hardest part is that I want a woman in my life to touch. PMO is a terrible way to have a fake woman. I'm not going to have a real woman until I "fix this". It is hard to wait with patience. But the substiute for what I want interferes with me ever having the real thing again.
So I'll wait.
Oddest damn flatline.
It comes and goes. Feeling urges. Feels like it comes from 2 sources. Part of it is nervous energy. After a sale, tough call, intellectual disagreement, etc. I feel a slight urge to tug. But I also feel hints of horniness disconnected from the stresses.
It goes from the smallest penis in the world to not small even without me thinking about anything sexual. Very active which is not flatline.
I think things are different because my usage was so different. Does that mean reboot will be shorter or longer? No idea.
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