Back at it again, almost a year ago and still struggling

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by eqmindcomp, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    OK what I've learned in this perpetual start relapse start relapse, day 5 - 7 are the worst for me as I can't seem to get past them. My body becomes more and more tense and any sexual cue amplifies this rollercoaster of sexual thoughts and positions. It's pretty intense and obviously I've struggled to make it past those dates. Every time I get near day 7, the intensity and the self rationalizing kicks in and the minute I PMO, I regret it. Another observation is that I definitely yo--yo back and forth with food and porn. So the plan is always to stop the PMO and then once I get that under control, curb the over-eating. Stress - work/family/the world - seems to drive it and as much as I try to take it one day at a time, the idea of not having those two escape pods (food/PMO) becomes unbearable.

    I've noticed that during the 1 - 6 days that I manage to avoid PMO, a lot of anger wells up and it feels like all the assertive opportunities to say how I felt and what I really wanted surface in some sort of regret. I'll ruminate over this and do the usual replay and promise to be more assertive. It's almost like I get a taste of the confidence that exists beyond PMO, a message from how I could be without PMO.

    The cycle is brutal and seems to be intensifying. Self Pity aside, this process is extremely challenging.
  2. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Amen to that. The intense cravings can feel unbearable. What has helped me in the past is to remember the regret after I PMO, remember that PMO will not help any with issues I am dealing with and find some habits to replace PMO.

    Best of luck.
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    It's very common to have this type of situation at the beginning, it's harder to quit than many realize. Unfortunately you won't start feeling the benefits much until you get a long streak going, at least that is my experience. Glad you're here.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I encourage you to read the journals of those of us who've been around for a year or more. The cycle you are going through is typical. Many of us had that start - fail - restart happen when we first started to shake the addiction. I did. And then had a long streak. Binge slipped and then had to go through the start - fail - restart cycle all over again. Brutal.

    I self medicate with porn as well as food, craft beer and video games so I get how food and porn play together. Worst thing is to being eat, feel fat as hell and then try to porn that feeling away.

    Are you exercising? Even a 30 minute walk every day will help. It was exercise and weight loss that gave me the foundation to break my first cycle. It was weight gain that signaled the lapses that let the binge slip sneak up on me.

    Are you just focusing on not eating and not PMOing? Find a positive goal that is small and simple and focus on that. One thing about those start up cycles is that they are negative. I am NOT going to do something ... isn't as motivating as I am going to to THIS <INSERT A POSITIVE FOCUS HERE>.

    Good luck. Keep at it. Be stubborn, pick yourself back up and start again whenever you slip. Failure is giving up and stopping the work it takes to stop PMO not just slipping here and there. Keep at it!

  5. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    Habit plays a major part in the first couple of weeks. You are like a lost lamb without your self-medication.

    Bring some new activities into your life which will in time become good habits. Exercise is king, but working on your posture can be transforming (literally keep telling yourself to walk tall with shoulders back and chest out will change how you see the world and how others react to you).
  6. eqmindcomp

    eqmindcomp Member

    I'm one day shy of two weeks and feel just awful but far enough in to know that a relapse will only make it much worse and that awful sense of defeat. That being said, my head feels swollen, I have a weird chest cold, no fever and just this full body ache. I'm fueled only by the notion that somewhere down the line I'm supposed to feel much better for this exercise though at this point I'm not seeing any of the benefits. I'm hitting anxiety pretty bad, constant sense of dread, floating pain all over, legs feel heavy and a bevy of other non-specific uncomfortable feelings. I've flat lined and I'm not suffering nor have I (knock on wood) suffered from ED. I wake up every morning with woody but zero sexual interest at all. Women are starting to appear as people and no longer objects of sexual conquest.

    The wrath of this is pretty unbearable at times.
  7. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    The thing is, recovery is bloody hard work and sometimes this process can feel so miserable. However a relapse or a binge will make you feel ten times more miserable. Plus you'll have that added stress / guilt of a 'failed' recovery attempt.

    Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but have you thought about introducing any replacement behaviours for your addiction(s)? It's not enough just to focus on quitting PMO.

    Are there any other areas in your life you could work on strengthening and deriving fulfilment from? e.g career, finances, hobbies, health etc? Or you could start by introducing small changes and then building from there. How about taking better care of your appearance or switching from junk food to fruit? Also think about creating a 'trigger response plan'. So next time you get an urge, you can be better prepared. I hope that makes sense. Keep us updated with your progress.
  8. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I can understand the anger building as I have that as well. As you can see below, I'm in the middle of it right now. FOR ME (I'm not trying to analyze you!), it grows out a sort of sense of...entitlement, I guess you could call it. "Everyone else is out there watching porn and jerking off! Why am I trying to be stupid and not do what everyone else is doing? Why should I be the only one who can't get release? It's not FAIR!"

    I think I deserve to do what everyone else can, so I'm MAD that I "can't"...if I'm in a bad place, I relapse.

    When I am HERE though, it means that I have made a commitment to myself to be HONEST with the men here; take the teaching from them, and move on. I have to consistently counsel that part of me that's acting like the old adolescent who felt that everyone else was good looking, rich, and had everything they wanted -- so I would look at porn and jerk off...JUST to show them all that I COULD HAVE IT TOO!

    Not realizing that the only one I was proving anything to was me. And what I was proving was that I was alone...

    Sorry to ramble. I just want you to know that I think I understand the anger thing.

    Carry on, sir. KEEP ON MOVING FORWARD.
    Newman8888 likes this.
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Glad to see you got over the 7 day hump, sorry to hear you feeling like shit.

    Read widely here and take a cue from the veterans: self-care (inc. nutrition and exercise) will go a long way. Getting to know yr triggers and developing strategies to manage them is also important. Focusing on the life you want to live more (and on abstinence, less) is key. And learn to meditate, I reckon, as what ever it is we are trying to achieve, meditation will help us get there.

    Keep coming back even if you slip. Just log in every day and journal: this is how you will learn and improve on this journey.

    Good best of luck, too.

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