It is with great humility and renewed determination that I return to this forum and to my sobriety from PMO. I'm learning not to feel as much shame because it's almost as insidious as PMO itself. And it has sabotaged me in past reboots. I have not been clean for longer than a few days in over a year. It is affecting my life even more destructively than before. Spending money I don't have on cam sites, wrist and hand pain from death grip, and perhaps most importantly - avoidance of real emotional and psychological issues by burying myself in addiction. I can't get that time back and it hasn't done a damn thing to fix the root of the problems that I use PMO for. I turn 42 later this year and I'm just tired. I have struggled with this addiction my whole life - a long time before I knew it was an addiction. I have seen the light if you will for about six years now. And in those years I have had some really good stretches though I've never gotten to the 90-day mark. I think my longest stretch was 60-70 days. Otherwise it's a day or two here and there, if I'm lucky I get a week. I've done it before so I know I can do it again. It's those first couple of weeks that are the toughest. I don't know why my willpower is so weak at times. As others have noted in this forum, I think my problem is compulsive behavior in general. Anything that makes me feel good. Alcohol, junk food, PMO, etc. This reboot I am limiting my alcohol use quite a bit, perhaps may stop altogether for a time. This will help in my recovery but also make me a healthier person. Also have been going back to the gym as well to fight the middle-age spread starting to happen. Some time ago a dear friend of mine passed away due to a drug addiction. I have been processing a lot of emotions regarding his death and am feeling a strong urge to moderate all things in my life, refocus my time and energy on productive things, and stop using food, alcohol or PMO to keep me checked out from my emotional reality. Time is precious and we should use what little time of it we have to be whole, not zombies stuck in front of a computer for hours. That's not living. I have more potential than that; we all do. Wishing everyone strength on their journeys.