One thing I'm trying to remember about addiction is that until I take it seriously then I'm never going to make any serious progress. But staying serious, diligent, aware and strong requires constant vigilance. Therefore I have to forgive myself when I fail. And I need to stop feeling so much shame. There are many guys out there who deal with the same issue. We're trying to get better, we're trying to be better versions of ourselves. I'm back again to pick up the mantle of recovery. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers. But my addiction is taken me to a lonely, painful place. It is hollowing my entire self. It is causing me physical pain. It is stopping me from living a productive and enjoyable life. I had a rather cathartic moment the other night. I was laying in bed after a wasted day of PMO'ing. It didn't feel good; it never feels good. And as I lay there I almost feel the addiction talking to me, convincing me that I had a good day, that it was all worth it. And I got angry. I thought - if my addiction was personified, and I was hanging out with a manipulative liar who hurts me over and over again, I would cut that person out of my life so fast. I'd have no tolerance for it. So why do I let my addiction stay around? That's the part I have to figure out but it gave me some interesting clarity. I've relied on PMO for so long to be my panacea for depression, anxiety, poor self-image, PTSD from being raised super-religious. And it never helped a single one of those things. So I'm getting better at realizing. That's a start anyway. I'm not keeping a counter. At some point it becomes about the counter or the number of days or whatever. We'll see how it goes.