Back... a bit broken but maybe wiser?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Mar 5, 2019.

  1. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Right - daily update time. Nothing to report really, have had a good and mostly busy day.

    I had a good chat with my church pastor at lunch about stress and healthy ways of trying to deal with it. I'm hoping to have more regular chats and maybe having the opportunity to open up a bit more. I have chatted about PMO with a counselor before but he no longer lives in my town and it would be good to have a guy who I trust and can share a bit more with.

    Anyway, feeling upbeat - I hope you guys are all doing OK.
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Right... daily update again. It's late. My wife is ill and asleep and the cat is doing it's best to p*ss me off :D I'm a bit stressed about work but nothing too serious...

    So... life I guess!

    I've had no urges to report. Planning to go for a run tomorrow - I love autumn running. Hope you're all keeping ok.
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Your .mental aspect is quite good--- rave on brother !
    Boxer17 likes this.
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Cats have a tendency to do that from time to time. They do it out of badness, as they say in Ireland.
  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    @Clovis6 - thanks for that! I'll remember that phrase :)

    I've missed a few days but will try to catch up - all is ok on the no-PMO front. Life itself continues to be a bit stressful but autumn is my favourite season so I'm feeling fairly chilled. Hopefully that'll continue...

    I hope you're all well - take care everyone!
    Boxer17 and Rebootian like this.
  6. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    great to hear you're doing well brother. We have the best cat, but he has to go in the basement each night. Like clockwork he would try to play with us at 3 in the morning. Has anything else come of sharing your PMO fight with others? Most of the time it's been pretty disappointing for me. I was really clicking with a guy I met at church and it got really awkward when I shared with him why I had a rough week. Other times, people have been pretty supportive but never really follow up about it. I'm grateful that a Celebrate Recovery meets in my area. They have an open share where it is comfortable and encouraged to confess or share anything on your mind. I've always been interested in the Samson Society after reading the book about them by Nate Larkin, but unfortunately there is no group that meets in my area.
  7. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey @realness - thanks for the encouragement. I'm not aware of any pmo addiction related groups near where I live. It's a very small community so I've always been a bit cautious about opening up. I spoke to a pastor a few years ago and it was initially a positive experience as he was quite non-judgemental. Sadly it didn't last long as he didn't seem that interested in being a long term friend - he has since moved away... To be quite frank, this forum is a complete life-saver and is my main source of accountability.

    At the moment, I've been doing ok - no major urges and not feeling too stressed. I'm trying to ensure I take proper breaks at work and set aside 'me' time. I know it's a bit of a cliche but proper self-care does help reduce 'victim' mentality and associated feelings of entitlement.

    I hope you're all ok.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, just thought i'd drop in for a quick pre-weekend update. All is OK - still no significant urges and I'm still working on increasing my overall mental wellbeing. I have quite a bit to do this weekend but i'm carving out space tomorrow afternoon to go for a long run - it'll be a nice treat, especially followed by a curry and a beer. I hope you're all doing ok.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi all. All's pretty quiet on the lowdo front... I had a busier than expected weekend which led to a bit of stress and mental negativity. I still find it hard when things don't turn out how I planned - I can get pretty childish and feel like the world owes me an apology. In the past, left unchecked, this has led to relapses. This time I managed to be a bit more grown up. I made sure to get a bit of 'me' time even tho it wasn't what I'd planned.

    So, onwards and upwards...
    positivef and realness like this.
  10. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Glad you are prioritizing and enjoying time to take care of yourself and enjoy life. Sounds like that, and ever more days without PMO are giving you clarity and self awareness when it comes to your weaknesses and character defects. Good stuff man, keep going!
    Lowdo likes this.
  11. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi all - sorry about the 10 day break. All's ok still - i'm trying to keep negativity and all the other unhealthy stuff in check. Some days are better than others. ;-)

    I have nothing very interesting to report so I'll head off to read some of your journals. Take care everyone!
    Boxer17 and positivef like this.
  12. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Good to hear your still okay. How are you dealing with negativity?
  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey all - I hope you're all ok. I'm doing fine on the PMO front but terribly on keeping up with journalling!! Anyway - just a quick update and a distraction from the news (which is all about the US election anyway... or COVID) which is stressing me out.

    I hope you're all keeping safe and healthy. I'm off to go catch up on the other threads....
    realness likes this.
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys - nothing very interesting to report but just trying to keep regular with the posts. Stress levels are quite low recently and recovery seems good. Not taking it for granted tho - I'll try to go for a run tomorrow: for 3 years it's been my most effective therapy so I'm try to stick to at least 3 runs a week...
  15. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Well, the regular posts thing is still proving a challenge .

    Anyway, PMO-wise I'm still doing fine and I seem to be better on the stress front as well. Just the last couple of days I've noticed some surprising urges which is annoying. At least it's brought me back here, which is always a good thing...

    It seemed to start with a weird porn relapse dream I had a few nights back - it's happened before though so I'm hoping it'll pass soon. Does anyone else get these 'flashback' style dreams? It would be good to hear your thoughts...
  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... Still really sucking at posting regularly. I'm here right now cos I'm on the verge of relapsing if I'm not extremely careful...

    I was pretty much cruising along PMO free but not dealing well with stress in my life, which has been an ongoing saga. Anyway, after a particularly bad weekend a few weeks ago I realised that I needed to do something about dealing with stress and anxiety so I have sought counselling from my pastor. The first session was a week ago and was a small start but very helpful. However, for whatever bloody reason I've been having the worst urges in months over the holiday period... I caught myself googling dangerous things and seeking out trigger content.

    So I'm here. Just to write it down and try to get some perspective... I hope you're all doing ok.
  17. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good luck, friend. Urges can be hard to fight, but it’s always worth it.
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys... I'm still fighting those urges. Still struggling but I'm here... Thanks for the encouragement @Bilbo Baggins :)
    realness and Deleted User like this.
  19. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Hey @Lowdo , me too! I've also been getting stronger urges and yesterday it escalated to googling and looking around. Safe search was on and it didn't go very far but it was a step much further than anything lately. So it also brought me here, and it also has me reaching out and telling 2 buddies where I am at. Those aren't magical solutions but they are actions on my part for the better. If my wife and kids were scheduled to be out of the house for a long block of time........ honestly I just have to say that and own it that I very well could relapse.

    Where are these coming from? 1) it's been 70 days today since I fully PMO binged and relapsed. 2) I'm struggling with thoughts about attractive women in my life. Often they are my wife's friends or friends from church. Which adds to the forbidden fruit type of draw. But this also exposes how lousy my heart is. How greedy I can be. How ungrateful and shallow I am. I'm not naming these things to shame myself but to call a spade a spade, to identify the problem so it can be addressed, fixed, or continually worked on. I can also be awesome, loving and devoted to my wife, strong and proactive in dismissing urges or lustful thoughts.

    Anyways, I've definitely picked up some great tools here. Some healthy actions that I can take. And there's wisdom and knowledge shared here by others. These urges will pass. We're not animalistic with no choice or power to resist destructive urges. And at the very least I can read back on my previous journal entries and those of others and find out how awful it will feel 2 nanoseconds after a relapse.

    Hang on brother, surf the urges, let them pass, and pick up a healthy activity, safe place to rest, or a well deserved small reward. I just finished a wonderful latte at a coffee shop where it is really awkward to relapse hahah
  20. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i can relate to strong urges. maybe cause i haven't had sex with my wife since my reboot. tried once but ED. frustrated. shameful. unworthy. have been ogling you tube, soft porn. and sometimes back to the porn sites i used to visit. have not MOd though. i believe this is worse that just going all the way and doing the dirty deed. this keeps me on the edge and i will never rewire this way. anyway new year, no ogling. thanks for this site. sure helps. hang in there. never give up.

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