Back... a bit broken but maybe wiser?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Mar 5, 2019.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Good insight Lowdo. Seems like you're justifying / rationalizating ("they upset and hurt me therefore I'm going to self soothe by PMO-ing"). Perhaps you could challenge this thinking and come up with a new response - e.g work on staying calm and being less argumentative & finding healthier coping mechanisms after someone has upset you (you said yourself, it's often over trivial disagreements).
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hmmm, that's a good question @realness - I'll need to have a think about a new better response when I'm feeling hurt. Previously, I've always just internalized everything. Which probably doesn't help...
     
    realness likes this.
  3. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Exactly @forlorn - thanks! I need to work on dropping stuff that doesn't matter but speaking up calmly when stuff does matter...
     
    positivef likes this.
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lowdo, Sorry for the delay in responding. I never got close to 2 years in the past. I think the longest was around 120 days. However, that was a few years ago and I’m no longer sure how ‘clean’ that reboot was. All my previous reboots relied on willpower, which proved not to be so long lasting...

    I guess that one of the main things is not to bet yourself up over the relapse, but to pick things up from now on.
     
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  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey @Clovis6 - no worries, it's nice to hear from you. I've been 'off grid' camping for a while which has been nice.

    Regarding clean streaks, I've never been one for counting days - it works for some people but for me it's always just been about breaking free. Willpower will only get you so far - the real way out is for us to unlearn the unhealthy patterns and mindsets that we've picked up over decades... needless to say, I'm still working on that ;)
     
  6. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    The ‘off-grid’ camping sure sounds good! I haven’t done any camping for a a while, although I’ve been a lifelong camper.

    Hi Lowdo, I’ve read and heard a few tones that counting doesn’t always work, and in some cases can be counter-productive. You’re definitely right about willpower, that’s the big difference I’m making this time around - taking a structured approach t0 recovery rather than trying to grit it out.
     
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  7. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, just a quick update. No PMO problems to report but I've reached the stage in recovery where i get a lot of weird relapse/sex dreams... it's a pain in the ass but at least I've been here before and i know it'll pass. Had a bit of a rough day yesterday with stress and some very poor anger management from me which led to a long painful but ultimately helpful conversation with my wife.

    Today has been better, thank goodness, and I'm trying to focus on the positive. I hope you're all good.
     
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  8. realness

    realness Member

    Sounds like good old fashioned hard work with your wife. It's a part of every marriage and you were present for it, not in brain fog, in escape mode or distracted by relapsing. Bravo, it'll make the sweet times even sweeter.

    Been getting the dreams too, weird but signs of progress
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, just a quick update - starting another busy week in the morning but feeling in better shape mentally than a few days ago. I might have another camping trip with friends lined up soon so that's something cool to look forward to. No real urges to speak of which is great... just plodding along for now.

    I hope you're all good. Take care.
     
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  10. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys - sorry i've not been around for a bit. All is good but I've been 'off-grid' for a couple of weeks. I'll post more tomorrow. Hope you're all ok.
     
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  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    How's it going Lowdo, still off grid? ;)

    Thought you were going try to post regularly.
     
  12. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi @forlorn - thanks for the nudge. Yes, I did say I would post regularly and it's important that I get back to that - it's a healthy discipline that keeps me balanced. I was on an extended (local) camping trip with the family which meant that evenings were away from screens, sat by a fire chatting - which was great. Since then life has been hectic and i have allowed myself to drift - which is never good. I'm still ok on the PMO front but my stress and general anger levels haven't been good...

    I tend to let things build up until I either take it out on family with extended sulking and self-pity sessions, or, as in the past disappear into a PMO fog... I don't want to go there again. Does anyone have any tips or experience with dealing with stress and anger?
     
    positivef likes this.
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lowdo,

    For stress, you could look into some simple mindfulness or meditation exercises.

    Such as this:

    https://www.mindful.org/meditation/mindfulness-getting-started/

    There are lots of different ways of presenting What are basically similar practices, so if this site doesn’t resonate with you, then it’s worth having a look around and see if you can find a different approach that clicks.

    Let me know if you have any questions.
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys, and thanks @Clovis6

    Just posting yesterday made me start today a bit more intentionally and I felt a lot better. I will check out the link above and really appreciate your advice as always.
     
  15. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys - been feeling very stressed this evening and feeling the strongest urges since I quit a few months back. So I figured the safest thing I could do would be to come here... the alternative is to start googling stuff I shouldn't.

    If I'm honest, I'm not sure it's urges in the truest sense... it's more a pathetic kinda revenge thing cos I'm pissed off. My wife has been busy with a new job, studying and generally a bit unavailable and I'm feeling left out like a big kid. That's closer to the truth. And I feel like PMO will fill the void... it's the old entitlement trick that's fooled me in the past.

    So... I guess the sensible thing is to remind myself of the Allen Carr tips. Mostly the truth that PMO is ultimately what makes me unhappy - it's the problem, NOT the solution. If I had never stumbled into it many years ago I wouldn't be craving it now and therefore the key to being content is to keep moving away from it. Why would I feel entitled to something that doesn't make me happy?

    Right... please send prayers and positive thoughts my way. I'm off to browse some other threads and will then get off the interwebs until tomorrow.
     
    realness likes this.
  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, it's late and I need to get some sleep but I wanted to check in to say I've had a better few days. Still PMO free and no urges since my last post. Hope you're all good. Take care.
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Keep up the great work, Lowdo! Sending positive vibes your way:)
     
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  18. realness

    realness Member

    Great update @Lowdo . I can so relate to your feelings expressed in your post from Saturday. When we're not being treated as we feel we should be by our wives, we've coped in a bad way, a self destructive way through PMO. It just makes us more hurt and it's self harm. Yet we have urges to dive in. It's so strange. But I'm so glad to hear that you didn't PMO. It's so hard to delve into the problems that we face instead of escaping.

    although you've had better days since Saturday, it sounds like you are in my same boat and have some work to do in your marriage. I'd be interested to hear what the symptoms are, what's at the root of any resentments or dysfunctions that are present. I'm starting this work with my wife, along with my recovery that is on a parallel track. It'll be slow going but it's better than leaving things unsaid. And far better than running away to PMO.
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  19. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey @realness - thanks for the post. I've been OK PMO-wise (still clean thank God) and have been attempting to deal with household-related stress in a healthier way. I'm able to go running again - earlier in the year I wasn't able to run due to health issues - and that's been a great help. My wife is learning to recognise the symptoms of stress in me and often gently (or not so gently!) will suggest that I go for a run.

    In terms of communication, I'm very slowly learning to speak up about stuff that's bothering me - but also to spot the times when I need to let things go. The truth is, I'm not perfect and neither is my wife - and if we always point out each other's flaws it doesn't get us anywhere. She's not an addict but all of us have coping mechanisms so I need to make allowances for her, just as much I expect her to forgive me for my crap...

    Still a lot of exploration to go... but hopefully heading in the right direction. If I could just get organised to post on here more often! Just 5 or 10 minutes on the forum really lifts me!
     
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    You’re welcome. It’s always good to start the day intentionally.
     
    Lowdo likes this.

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