Back... a bit broken but maybe wiser?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Mar 5, 2019.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Outstanding. Every victory even small ones are such a positive
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you here!
  3. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. This is hard but I have to come back here straight away - I was left alone earlier with an unprotected browser and made a fucking bad choice. I'm having to make myself type this because everything in me wants to just disappear for a few weeks and confess some other time - then people will still think I'm a victorious no-fap warrior. Truth is, I screwed up.

    I need to get my head straight again and that's going to involve some serious discipline - both for monitoring my behaviour but also not slipping into a self-hate thing. Anyway - I'm going to need you all. I'm still determined, but obviously not as strong as I thought...
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  4. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Right. Still here. Feeling a lot better than yesterday. Even managed to do some writing yesterday.

    Hope you're all OK.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Gil79 like this.
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Try to avoid the temptation to escape. It's inevitable that we will sometimes have uncomfortable feelings but they are part of life.
    It's good that you were honest and came here to post. And remember you're doing this for yourself, for your own peace of mind - and that's priceless. Sounds like you have some good self awareness.
    MissingSelfCompassion and Lowdo like this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks @forlorn - and to all you guys on the forum for your support over the years. I'm just checking in - all's ok at the mo. Hoping to have a relaxing but full weekend. Take care, all of you.
  7. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. I'm really sorry - I relapsed again last night. No excuses. Classic self-delusion (it won't matter if I google this...)

    I know my thread isn't making very good reading at the moment. I clearly haven't learnt the lessons from my last backslide last year. I need to go back to basics so:
    1. I will post here daily - to check in, keep my intentions alive and read your stories
    2. No devices anywhere near me at night
    3. Plan stuff to keep me busy when I might be vulnerable
    4. At the first sign of danger, drop everything and do something else
    Thanks for still being here. I hope you're doing better than I am.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear. I am a bit in the danger zone myself with a lot of sexual fantasies.

    Posting here daily is an enourmous benefit. I'd say, especially if things are not going so well it is important to express yourself.

    I am sure you have learned lessons and improved. It is important to focus on that and where you want to go.

    Keep it up!
    MissingSelfCompassion and Lowdo like this.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Gil79 - I'm doing OK. I find coming back to the forum really hard when I know I've screwed up but I also know it's the only way to stop a mistake from becoming a 6 month mess. Thanks for your support.

    The last 24 hours have been OK - I've been inspired by your daily health checklist and might try to do something similar myself. Keep yourself safe - I know that feeling of being in the danger zone. Try to be good to yourself in other ways - i.e. indulge in other good stuff/treats rather than succumbing to the urge to fantasize.

    Thanks all of you!
  10. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Right - just very quick check in. It's been a busy day so not really any time for urges etc. General mood is a bit up and down but hoping for a chilled evening. Hope you're all doing OK.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You are doing what you must carry on!
    Lowdo likes this.
  12. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys. Sorry no post yesterday but I actually had a really good day - even ended with a proper bit of intimacy with the wife. Consequently had a really good sleep and have had a day off today which I spent almost entirely out in the garden. So grateful for you support and encouragement. I'm still plodding on and steering away from danger...
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Just checking in at the start of the day to say all's good. I'm really busy at work at the moment which is good in some senses but can also affect stress. I'm trying to balance working hard with sensible breaks and stress-relieving activities: I'm now pretty certain that stress and anxiety are major underlying drivers towards PMO.
  14. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys. Not quite managing to stick to my daily journaling commitment o_O

    With work and life in general being so stupidly busy I've been very little time for anything but have at least managed to prioritise a fair bit of running and gardening which have helped my mood immensely. Otherwise, all is fairly good. I've still being struggling with low moods in the last few days but nothing to report on the PMO urges front thank goodness.
  15. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I've been doing more activities as well, which seems to help. The days that I'm feeling low are difficult. However, they're not difficult because of urges, but because I'm just learning to sit with the uncomfortable feeling of being down. That's not easy. I hope work calms down for you soon.
  16. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi guys... I'm back. F*cked up big time... mostly due to a severe lack of discipline and the accompanying shame/repeat. I'll try to post more tomorrow but just needed to write something - it took all my willpower to just come here and log in. I hope you're all ok.
    Boxer17 and nuclpow like this.
  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lowdo, it’s good that you overcame the shame and posted here. It was the shame that put me off joining this forum for ages myself.

    While its all fresh in y our mind, what was it that happened?
    Lowdo likes this.
  18. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey Clovis - thanks for the encouragement. Basically, after a very long clean streak of almost 2 years, I allowed myself to relapse for over 6 months. I'm still only 2 days clean but have started reading 'Easypeasy' on the recommendation of others on the forum. It's early days but i think I simply allowed myself to slip back into an addict mindset - feeling like I was depriving myself of something and feeling somehow entitled to gratification. Dangerous stuff...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  19. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    I've had a busy day... health is allowing me to run again which is helping my state-of-mind. Done various odd jobs and I'm planning to read a bit more of Easypeasy tonight. Alan Carr's video - shared by someone on the forums (I can't remember who) - was super helpful in my original recovery and seeing it rewritten specifically for PMO addiction is really good. I hope you're all doing OK.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome back. Too bad it is necessary. Looking at those 2 years clean, what is it that made this possible for you? Were there any circumstances that were different before or in the last 6 months?

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