Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Mar 5, 2019.
Quick status update - 3 weeks and all's calm. That is all..
Hey guys. All seems to be ok again today.
A few thoughts were running around my head earlier - realising that one is an addict is odd in some ways. Having relapsed previously makes me realise that screwing up is always only a couple of bad decisions away. It's a (literally) sobering thought. I remember years ago chatting to a very good friend who, although he's been dry for decades, has never stopped describing himself as a 'recovering alcoholic'. He always explained that the day he believed he was 'cured' would be the day that he screwed up. I guess I can see his logic...
One of the reasons I relapsed previously was a bit of an embarrassing one which I've been meaning to ask advice on - but hadn't plucked up the courage. When I had been off PMO for over a year, whenever my wife and I did get round to actually attempting sex, I could never last long enough - I was always so aroused that I would ejaculate before we even got to proper sex. Often we couldn't even attempt foreplay... Obviously this was pretty crap for our sex life and went on for so long that we kinda stopped trying. I tried a few options until eventually I decided that masturbating before attempting sex was the only thing left to try. This did actually work. Unfortunately it also led to me M'ing more often and eventually led to a full-blown PMO relapse.
Sorry - a bit of a long story and I still feel faintly embarrassed telling you all about it. I'd really appreciate advice - especially if anyone has suffered from similar problems.
I guess that you mean that the embarassing part is the premature ejaculation (PE). I have suffered from that whole my life. With some gfs it was worse than with others, I guess also because of the tension I felt (to perform well). I think it is partle that by excessive MO in my youth I have trained myself to be quick, but I also found it interesting to read in NMMNG that PE is often the result of sexual shame (or just feeling umcomfortable expressing sexually). With my wife I am still quite fast, but is has never been a problem. She doesn't mind either, as she likes being stimulated bu hand as well. I had a gf before who didnt like that, and that made things more complicated. But still there are ways around it. You could use a condom (even with numbing cream). Or ask for a bj first, and then give it another go? You could also train together to postpone orgasm. If you think tgat sexual shame or discomfort plays a role, then this may be the best way to go. Myself I have tried kegels in tje past to get better control, bht was never disciplined enough to continue.
I've never had PE, but I've had DE. They both have their minuses. A partner might not enjoy you cumming to soon, but she also doesn't like sex going on forever. When I had bouts of DE I found it rather embarrassing, as well as deflating. With DE the woman sometimes thinks you're just not that into her, otherwise you'd cum. So, basically women don't understand a man's body. The narrative is: we stick it in, have our way, the end. Every magazine you look at is about women's sexuality. Men' sexuality doesn't count.
I like @Gilgamesh 's suggestion of wearing a condom.
In my case it was the same. I would cum only when she used her hand or during oral sex. The women I had as a gf back than did not mind because she liked sex and did not mind to finish me of by Hand. The first two times when we had sex I came without Problems maybe because of the excitement and novelty but after that when sex became more a regular thing with her, I got more and more into the DE.
Hi Lowdo. Im sorry I havent met you before.
Online forums can be pretty aggressive and hostile/ugly places, so when I say the following things please appreciate its from a place of love and benevolence and not me having an ego trip.
You are NOT a porn addict! What I mean by that is I refuse to label you an "addict." An addict is someone who is a victim. It separates you from other people and humanity. Its an extremely harsh phrase that the addiction community needs to eliminate entirely because it is the wrong focus
Every human I have met, is an addict in some regard.
So either we are all addicts, or, we are all just humans.
I say this because i noticed you titled this "a bit broken." You arent broken, maybe wiser but not aware of it yet.
You are honest. An honest human is superior regardless of whatever substance they judge they are addicted to.
So pat yourself on the back and be gentle. I have noticed many people on here will benefit greatly just by becoming their own best friend.
Porn or not; one must respect and love himself. Not conditionally. Not "Well when i quit then I will love myself."
You must garner a respect for yourself. A dignity, a fragrance, a confidence, an ability to stand on your own feet with a love of who you are, and an acknolwedgment God hasnt made any mistakes creating you.
You will go beyond the porn when the time is right. The porn is not a test of your willpower but your unconditonal love and respect to yourself.
Respect yourself FIRST. The desire to watch porn will settle by itself later.
I am watching and reading your posts. I want to feel immense self respect towards yourself, regardless of porn.
Do your best and that is enough. Tenderness.
@Johhny Bravo Thanks so much for the comments - you've given me a lot of good stuff to think about.
The week has got off to a decent start - I've been able to work from home today (and tomorrow) as having work done on the house. Being able to just quietly work on my own suits my introvert self much more than constantly feeling 'on-call' at the office. It's good also to have the electrician and plumber in and out of the house as it removes any risk of me abusing being alone.
All of this adds up to me feeling fairly calm this evening. I hope you're all OK - I'm just about to go catch up on your threads.
Calm evenings are good!
Hey guys - sorry I haven't been around for a couple of days. Been utterly manic - turns out that the work on the house (new boiler) hasn't quite gone to plan and we are now stuck without heating just as the weather has suddenly turned cold! This has lead to a fairly frosty (haha) atmosphere in the Lowdo household and has also meant I've had to go into full 'fixer' mode. By this I mean I've been having to make phone calls, send emails and liaise with workmen - all of which I find emotionally exhausting. Add to that, the fact that my wife has also been stressed about all of it - and I tend to absorb her moods.
The great thing - looking on the bright side - is that I haven't relapsed, despite being in a fairly crappy state of mind. I do need to address this however as I can't be complacent. I'm hoping to maybe get a run in tomorrow and will try to consciously have a more chilled day.
Hope you're all OK.
What a great opportunity to get into the Cold showers daily routine.
Sorry, but I had to say it.
Good Job on not relapsing. Keep it up.
Haha - can't think of anything I'd like less right now than a cold shower - although I did get into a routine of having a quick cold 'blast' at the end of a regular shower last year which seemed to be beneficial. It kinda fizzled out during the winter months but I might give it a go again.
Sadly I didn't get the run I wanted today - ended up having a day of cycling around in the wind and rain going from one job to another. Currently sitting by a coal fire sipping on a whisky though so it's not all bad. Hoping to have a fun and relaxing weekend.
Thanks again to all you guys - keep going!
Great to hear Lowdo.
I have done bits and pieces of Wim Hof method for about 2 years. Never been sick since cold showers.
Yes a 30 second ice blast at the end of shower is all that is required. People i speak with think they need to do a 20 minute frost brute force painful ice bath. But less is weirdly more!
30 seconds at the end of a hot shower is the first stage for 2 weeks.
Hey guys. Hope you're all ok.
I had a good weekend - lots of jobs off the to-do list which is a nice feeling. Sadly started the new week in a bit of a Monday morning funk - wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone. Thankfully I was too busy to have any relapse thoughts and got thru the day ok. Have had a bit of boost this evening finding that my house is cosy again - the boiler is finally up and running.
Anyway - not much else to report...
@Johhny Bravo - thanks for the tip - I might actually give that a go starting tomorrow.
So, you were a bit down, got busy, then felt good! I think that sounds rather positive, my friend. Glad you've got some heat!
Thanks Saville - yup, all's OK really. Bit stuck as I'm unable to run due to a knee injury that's flared up again. I've been focusing on my creative writing course instead. Also am easing myself back into cold showers - the first two mornings felt pretty brutal but am feeling a bit less 'foggy' in the mornings as a result. Hope you're doing OK.
Not to make light of your issue, but after reading the thread I find it interesting that there's some mythical, perfect time to E. Like others, I have an issue with DE which makes my wife feel like garbage. So to have PE would be amazing in my case. The grass is greener, right? Again, it's funny to think there's a perfect time to ejaculate. I suppose it would be an interesting thing to research. Orgasms are amazing. Why are we so concerned about when they happen? Just food for thought.
All this talk of cold showers has me intrigued. I may have to look into this. Mornings are the worst time for me.
I agree. Sometimes I would love to just have my penis blast it out. Once one has had DE it plays with the mind. I'm mostly over that now, but every now and then I find it hard to pull the trigger, and the old voices come back.
Cold showers are the bomb! If you can't handle a cold shower at first just have a cool one. Once you get used to that then try and go for broke. I've done cold showers for quite awhile now and though I hate them, they never fail to give me a shot of yeehah! There is good science behind having our bodies be under the type of mild stress a cold shower induces.
That about sums it up. This morning I audibly squawked when the cold water hit me; but it does leave you feeling great almost immediately - and like Saville says there are definite benefits in the long run too.
I'm doing fine on the PMO front currently - no urges to speak of, for which I am grateful.
However, I seem to be in a phase of increased libido which has left me feeling a bit frustrated as Mrs Lowdo has not been willing the last few days. To be fair we have both been busy and she is legitimately tired - I'm no bloody expert (there's an understatement!) but I know women's sex drives are wired totally differently. Having said all that I do need to work on communicating better with her in the regard - we're both pretty reserved when it comes to talking about sex.
So, project for this week: lighten up a bit and get better at talking about sex!
I will be releasing a post soon on a concept called 'Totality.' It may help out along with other men. Stay tuned because its not something just about PMO
Hey guys - just a quick update. I've been reading other people's posts but realised that I haven't updated my journal. All's OK at the moment - no setbacks or major epiphanies to report: just trucking on.
Cold showers continue to be brutal but beneficial. Silly thing really but it's amazing how much better I feel first thing in the morning just as a result of blasting myself with cold water - less grumpy & lazy, just a nicer person in general.
Hope you guys are all OK.
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