Back... a bit broken but maybe wiser?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Lowdo, Mar 5, 2019.

  1. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys. Hope you don't mind but I'm starting a new journal/thread. I kinda feel, even if just for my own benefit, that I need a fresh start.

    When I first joined YBR, several years ago, I was surfing on a 90 day streak and it was kinda easy to join the community feeling a little bit proud of myself... This time, frankly, I have no streak to speak of (2 hours maybe?). I've known that I needed to reconnect with you all for quite a while but the old enemies (shame and denial) kept me away - and consequently I have got nowhere.

    So here I am. I'm a porn addict. I need this community to help me re-wire and live clean again. Thanks for still being here and sorry that I wandered off in the first place...

    Next time I might unpack things a bit but at the moment, every time I try, it just feels like I'm justifying things so probably best to leave alone for now.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome back. I know sometimes we feel we " got it locked " Pmo is a very resourceful "addict." At least for me I was attuned to the false feeling of success by reading so many journals. Reading I think is one of the keys for traveling that positive road. At any rate like I said--welcome back, looking forward to reading your journal.
    Lowdo likes this.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Well-Known Member

    Hey Lowdo. Good to hear from you. You are still getting up off the mat and pushing back against your opponent.
    Lowdo likes this.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Many of us wandered away for some time but came back. Good decision. Welcome back!
    Libertad and Lowdo like this.
  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bobo, Boxer & Luke. Things are OK at present but it's only day 1 ;)

    I'm trying to get back into healthy habits like not taking phone or tablet anywhere near the bedroom. The wife and I are both home tonight so will hopefully watch a movie, carry on with studying and have a productive non-PMO kinda evening.
    chickendinner22 likes this.
  6. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Just checking in - all's currently well. Currently cruising on good vibes from re-joining all you guys - I know it's going to get harder. I need to do the work I failed to do last time of dealing with anger and other issues properly and not just trying to bury them.

    Since I last posted here I have started a creative writing course which I'm finding amazingly fulfilling although it tends to involve a fair amount of evening PC use which can be dangerous.

    Also, I'm very much back into running - I'm never going to be all that fast (I'm in my mid 40's after all) but nothing lifts my spirits like running.

    Anyhoo - that's the positives... I'll start unpacking some of the ways I screwed up another day. I hope you guys are all doing OK. I'm busy catching up on reading all your journals.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Just cruise on those good vibes do not worry to much about the "harder"it will come and you will deal with it.
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is why we must work on all aspects of ourselves. When I came here I was only worried about my that concern is much further down the list. Your realization is awesome!
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm posting a quick update to make sure I stay disciplined. All's good :)

    Now the tablet is going downstairs...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's great you have renewed purpose with all this. You didn't say, but did you start PMO'ing again or just viewing?
  11. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Saville - full on PMO I'm afraid. It actually started with just M - which I foolishly thought would be OK. Then lead to peaking (broke the 11th Commandment!) and then it all fell to bits in slow motion...

    I'm obviously not glad that it happened but with hindsight it feels a bit like an air-accident investigation - a chance to figure out what went wrong and learn some lessons. There are definitely some attitude/relationship issues which need tackling - anger, entitlement, etc, etc...
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I have to work on this stuff almost daily.
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  13. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    I've been reading your journal and am also halfway thru 'No more Mr Nice guy' which I know has helped you and loads of other guys.

    It makes so much sense - but it isn't all easy to implement!
    chickendinner22 likes this.
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Yeah, dealing with underlying stuff is really important. There are no shortcuts. At some point we have to face up to our insecurities, character flaws and traumas and try our best to work through it. It can feel like hard work but it can also be rewarding and help us to become better men.
    Lowdo likes this.
  15. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Forlorn! I'm hoping to tackle things one day at a time and maybe this time try to find an offline mentor/buddy I can share with...

    In other news, it's now nearly 7 days. Nothing much to report - a few urges around times of day that PMO used to happen but haven't faced any serious testing just yet. Am keeping devices out of reach when possible.

    I am currently doing a creative writing course (more on this another time - it's been very fulfilling) but it does require a fair amount of work on laptop and this has proven a dangerous thing in the past - especially since I previously found an all-too-easy way to bypass the family filter. :( I might need a new solution for this... The filter is firmly back on but unfortunately I can't un-learn the way to bypass it and there's no obvious fix that would lock it down but still allow me to do my work...

    In the meantime I'm making sure that I'm working offline OR sitting next to someone while working.

    Anyways - hope you're all good. Take care!
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome. Just the sort of thing to get our mind going in another direction. Keep on trucking!
  17. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement. Busy day at work today so only a few minutes but just wanted to check in to say it's been a clean week and still seem to be on an even keel.

    Hope you guys are all OK as well.
    Saville likes this.
  18. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yup, I am ok keep asking don't think too much !
    Lowdo likes this.
  19. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey guys - just quick update. All still good. I've taken the day off work tomorrow just as a treat to myself. I'm going for a run in the morning and will then be gardening. Predictably the weather forecast is sh#t… ;-)

    I'm now going offline and will be doing some reading. Hope you're all ok - stay safe and be good to yourselves!
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I can't wait until I can garden again. I find that the hardest part about winter. Puttering around in the yard seems to balance me out.
    Gil79 and Lowdo like this.

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