Baby steps

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by bouclesansfin, Jun 14, 2020.

  1. bouclesansfin

    bouclesansfin New Member

    I took seven days away from Youtube, my computer, and other personal electronics. I watched an interesting video that gave me the inspiration. I was more productive during the week, and I got outside way more! I made a lasagne from scratch, everything, including the noodles. I sewed some face masks, and was more productive with work. I read a book, and am now on my second, "7 habits of the highly effective people". I also wrote about how I was feeling, things I'd like to change. I'm going to try and substantially cut down on my use of electronics during the week.

    I also was able to feel how anxious of a person I am. I couldn't believe it. It was this constant hum. Explains some of my impulses, and why it is so easy for me to fall down a rabbit hole starting with a sexual image and potentially ending up at PMO before I even know what is happening. I don't think being in a new city where I don't know anyone, and not having anyone to talk to talk to since March isn't helping.

    How I Tricked My Brain To Like Doing Hard Things (dopamine detox)
     
    Thelongwayhome27 and axebattler like this.
  2. bouclesansfin

    bouclesansfin New Member

    Today has been a very weird day. I made it 14 days and relapsed yesterday. But I didn't just act out and relapse, I relapsed with a stupid adult game, and because it was a game I stayed up "playing" it. I say "playing" because really I was just using it. I have pretty much everything locked down. No twitter, instagram, tiktok, searches are on safe mode, and when I find a website that I can access I will add it to the list of blocked sites. So I found this stupid game and used it. Ended up staying up until after midnight. Then today, because of how late I stayed up I felt terrible and acted out again. I almost downloaded another stupid game, then realized what I was doing and cancelled it.

    I've been reading things about 12 steps, and watching videos. I also worked on my codependency, which introduced me to this system. I've only truly realized that I am powerless over this compulsion, and that it really does make parts of my life unmanageable. Normal people don't have extensive blocks setup on their electronics. They don't barter with themselves about using sexual material. I've been trying to come to grips with the first step before moving to the next. While it hasn't changed my behaviour significantly yet, I do believe this is an important step. Powerless, ironically this word could be a powerful tool in my mental arsenal. The most important right now is a good sleep, and a structure I can stick to. I've been feeling very lonely lately. Loneliness, sadness, and isolation are a major trigger for me in life (I believe because of my codependency). While I'm not really doing the "hardmode" thing, being isolated from people in a new city where I only really know one person is in its own way hard mode, but of an emotion kind. I believe myself to be an extrovert so this is very draining, and unfortunately this compulsion to act out, this addiction to PMO has endless patience to wait until I'm vulnerable. In times like these the voice in my head tells me "what does it matter, you won't meet anyone soon anyways", "what does it matter if you can't perform sexually, there is no one to disappoint".

    We admitted we were powerless over pornography and that our lives had become unmanageable. I have started to repeat this phrase to myself. Hopefully with is starting from 0 again I'll have a new tool to help me
     

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