Attempt round 2

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by chrism, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Just passed a week of being clean.

    Feeling good but need to be careful and just keep focusing and not give in to temptation.

    Peace!
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Was doing really well, then on Friday I had a moment when I just wasn’t thinking and peeked at a few images and some short videos.

    Then the next day I had a chaser effect and peeked again and edged a bit.

    Then yesterday I wasted a fair bit of time because I was just watching suggestive videos on YouTube.

    I kept pulling myself away from them, but then kept going back. Did that 3 times. Didn’t O but did edge a fair bit.

    Feeling ok today but I am a bit bummed that iv had these relapses.

    Anyway going to just be positive and focus on being the best version of myself and that is the me that does not waste my time on pixels. I am going to just put my time into my relationship and my business.

    Peace!
     
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah I’m definitely in a chaser effect stage at the moment.

    I’m finding it hard not to just peek, yesterday (Wednesday) I peeked and then looked at P briefly.

    Edged a bit but managed to stop myself fairly quickly.

    Just feeling a bit less motivated to stay clean since I keep peeking and edging. I am less forcused and a bit distracted. This might be due to it being close to Christmas break and I just can’t wait for a break from work!

    Anyway, gonna try and just keep moving forward and not gonna let my recent relapses hold me back.

    I have started playing a video game again, which leads me to watch YouTube which then leads me to edge. So I took YouTube off my phone yesterday. Life would be a lot easier without social media, but I learn a lot on YouTube so I just need to learn to stick to the good video and not the other ones.

    Peace!
     
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    This year so far iv o my had one day where I relapsed.

    It was Friday 11th jan. I added it to my new 2019 spreadsheet. Need to add the link on here at some point.

    I could feel it coming on... I had been feeling urges and had been looking at videos on YouTube and then it just escalated.

    I was over two weeks clean, but in that time I had not done any exercises and played a lot of video games.

    I’m now on day 4 and did some exercises yesterday. I feel better today, so gonna try to do a bit more exercise and see if that helps with the situation.

    In general I feel quite good, with an underlying faint depression. It’s kind though and only really feel it when I’m either not doing something or I am feeling cravings.
     
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So last couple of days iv had a few peeking sessions. This yeah I’ve been doing ok, but having real difficulty getting past the week mark.

    I end up having a craving, peeking and then that turns into a few hours of edging, sometimes to P, other time to other stuff, like YouTube.

    I had a bad couple of days where I had a fine for paying my car tax late, which turned out to cost me £750. This was super frustrating because it basically meant the last 3 months my saving had gone towards that instead of going towards my house fund. This meant I was in a bad mood and before I know it had just wasted like 4 hours edging. Very stupid.

    I decided enough is enough and found an app called ‘freedom’ that’s allows you to block websites and apps across my devices.

    I tested it out for the first time yesterday and it seems to do the job.

    I had previously been using k9 which was ok, but found that it had some annoying features that hindered my productivity.

    I am going to keep using this freedom app for a few days and will update here with my progress. We all know it’s difficult to manage our urges so I’m hope that this product will help me break through my barrier I am currently facing.

    It is a paid service, and there is either a monthly or yearly service, might test it on the monthly service to begin with and if all goes well then go with the yearly option with is less than £2 a month.

    I’m hoping this will give me the tools to manage myself and prevent a relapse when I am not thinking clearly.

    Updates to follow soon!
     
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Iv been using the blocker called ‘freedom’ for a week now and I’m a week clean.

    I paid for the premium version (which was £16 for the year.

    It work really well!

    The problem I had with K9 was that sometimes it would just not block the websites I added to my block list. This has not yet happened with ‘freedom’ it does exactly what it says it will do.

    I had some cravings yesterday, but was ‘safe’ in the knowledge that if I did go on my laptop or phone, or any other device I had blocked the sites I would normally end up on.

    I am aware that when ever I start a new method of getting away from PMO there is always a period where I do better because ‘I’m trying a new thing’ but I feel like this time it might actually be a winner.

    I have basically set up a recurring 24 hour session that starts at 4am so it block a list of sites that I will not ever want to view again (which also includes an adult category). Then I have added a second block list which has other things such as YouTube or google which I can then turn on for a set period of time when I am feeling the cravings.

    There is the option to lock my settings as well and I’m told that this you are only able to undo this by contacting the developer. I have not yet had to use this as when the block screen come up to say that website is blocked, that has been enough so far to stop me going any further.

    I’ve found that while a session is running you can also add sites to the associated block list so if I do end up finding a proxy site or whatever I can also add that to the list. The website for freedom says it takes up to 60 seconds for a site to be blocked once added to a block list but I’ve experienced that it is blocked within 20 seconds.

    So far it’s great! It’s on all my devices and I’m really happy with it!

    In the past I was actively avoiding my laptop, this meant I was sacrificing productivity with my business. I feel like now I can use my devices but just be completely cut off from the sites I don’t want to have the option to access. This is a great feeling!

    On an unrelated note it’s my birthday on 23rd and I will be turning 30. I think I’m a little depressed about it. Mainly just because most people will have a big party to celebrate turning 30. I have 2 friends and one of them is away. I am super greatful to have my family girlfriend and my 2 friends, it just upsets me sometime that some of the choices I made in the past... to do drugs which meant I basically only had drug friends and the people I was friends with previously saw me as a druggy so they don’t like me anymore.

    Just trying to focus on what I have and not dwell on the past. It’s difficult sometimes, I thinks it’s because I am constantly comparing myself and my life to other people and stuff I see on tv or the Internet. I know this is bad for me and I am doing my best to stop this negative thought process.

    When I turn 30 I think I’m going to make a new thread in the 30 year old section, rather than moving this thread over and continuing. This thread began in a different stage of my life so I feel like starting a new one will be good for me to differentiate between the new phase and where I have come from.

    Fingers crossed all goes well with the blocker and I can keep moving forward to a more productive life.

    Peace!
     
  7. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Good luck with the new app! Sounds good!
     
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for the message, yeah the new app is really good. Iv been trying to find something like it for a long time and it just does what it says.

    Good luck on your journey too man!
     
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I’m coming up to 2 weeks being clean.

    Iv been feeling a bit of cravings and some depression, not anything to serious but just a general low level of happiness.

    I am however getting on with life effectively, I am communicating well, I am getting shit done, I am not wasting my time on P or P substitutes.

    I have had a few dreams that felt like I had relapsed but I was happy when I woke up to realise it was just a dream. It does make you feel weird after though because it is so vivid in the dream.

    Had a bit of PIED, but after a few minutes I was back up and going. There have been a few times where I used fantasy to get it up but these fantasies were more towards real life than memories of content I had seen in pixel form, so that’s a positive I guess.

    I’m expecting that I will be feeling lower over the next week or so because it has been a while since I have gone more than 2 week being clean. I will have dopamine withdrawal I just need manage my feelings.

    On the bright side, my blocker ‘freedom’ app is working really well. Just turns on every day 04:00 and runs all day.

    After setting it up I have not tested it by searching, because my initial test were sufficient to prove that it worked during the first few days. It’s a great feeling knowing that my electrical devices are now a place I can go and be productive without the worry of distraction.

    I’m sure as time goes by I will test again but right now I’m good.

    Peace!
     
  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Happy for you chris, you put in a lot of work, never stopped experimenting and it seems you kinda found the right formula. Keep going, mate!
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Today is the 2 week mark.

    Feeling good. I am noticing some slight cravings, but more in terms of a distraction or information or just to scroll through things rather than for P.

    I think I have noticed this in the past and I think it is probably related to novalty.

    When you relapse you see ‘new’ things so when you are clean you don’t really get that apart from in terms of news or information.

    Which for the most past gives you less of a ‘rush’ if you could call it that (think that would be more related to my old druggy days thought it has some similarities).

    I need to be mindful of this. I need to remember that I have stopped myself from having access to the addictive choice and by doing so I am not going to have that ‘rush’ again.

    The memory I have of longer streaks I have managed in the past, as well as the excitement I got when I was younger is something I need to keep in the back of my mind as a kind of goal.

    Peace!
     
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    This will be my last post on this thread.

    It was my birthday on Saturday, and I am now 30 years old.

    Birthday went well, had a good time. No relapses and yeah the new blocker is really helping me to no even consider P to be an option.

    In 2 days I’ll be at the three week mark. I will update my progress on my new thread which I will link to here for anyone that may want to know.

    Peace!
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2019
  13. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Congrats, Chrism, you've come a long way. And happy birthday!
     
    chrism likes this.
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Happy birthday, welcome to the 30s!
     
    chrism likes this.

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