Attempt round 2

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by chrism, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    A lot of guys notice a pattern with alcohol and relapses. Pretty sure alcohol played a part in my recent run of MOs. I dunno what the answer is- i find these days i want to drink alcohol less and less whereas it used to be a kind of escape for me at the end of the day. Maybe you could meet your friends in different circumstances? See a band with less focus on drinking? Go on a hike?
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 4 of being clean.

    Feeling quite good today, yesterday I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, but throughout the day I really got into my stride and boshed out a load of stuff so feeling a lot better now.

    @A New Man - yes maybe I could bring that up, but tbh I think I just need to work on not relapsing when I drink. And in the future maybe I will be with my gf the next day so it wouldn’t have been as much of an issue.

    At work, it’s all going well, then home, yoga, editing as many images as I can then off to see my gf.

    Day planned, now just need to keep working towards a better life!

  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 6 of being clean.

    Feeling like the focus and positive mental attitude is returning again. Yesterday I went to do my food shop after work and was just feeling better in general, noticed a few girls making eye contact with me, this is nice, although I’m not looking for anyone as I have a gf now, but it’s nice to know anyhow.

    Finished off a very large portion of work for my business yesterday, which is a weight off my mind! Now I can move into the next stage which is what I have been waiting for!

    Work today should be good, got a few meetings and stuff, but shouldn’t have any stress today, then after work chill and get on with my business work :)

    A New Man likes this.
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 8 of being clean.

    Yesterday I found myself faffing about on my computer and was trying to tidy up some bits and just ended up going through old photos from uni and college.

    It sort of out me in a bad place and I started feeling angry and down. Then I found I was just looking for photos from clubbing of girls.

    Once I realised what I was doing I stopped and closed everything and turned my laptop off. It only lasted maybe 5 minutes, but today I feel like crap and I’m having big cravings.

    I know there are up and down days, so today I one to watch out for, because if im not careful im gonna relapse.

    I think that happened yesterday because my backup harddrive is now full. This is not ideal and will require a lot of work to sort out. It’s a good thing that needs to be done and will result in me finally deleting the backup I have from my ex’s laptop from 2 years ago. I don’t need that and she obviously doesn’t either.

    Will be nice to get that off my harddrive, because every time I see that partition it’s just a bad memory that gets me down.

    Any way 2 more hours left of work and then I can go home and get ready for a nice evening with my gf.

  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I am back to day 1, I hit day 9 or 10 and then drunkenly relapsed.

    It’s was a very quick one, don’t remember it but then yesterday I relapsed again.

    This on was not a drunken one it was a stress and worry one, due to being able to figure out how to do something on a new software.

    I turned my internet off, walked away had food. Then when I came back I figured out how to do the thing I wanted to do. I regret taking that easy escape from reality. I should have walked away sooner had a break and come back.

    But I’m the bright side I did manage to figure it out so all hope is not lost.

    I find that I am just to quick to go to that easy escape and I need to learn to endure stress and frustration better in my life.

  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah so back to day 1 again.

    Yesterday I was quite stressed. Think I relapsed 3 times.

    Managed to get a piece of work done that was required but there is so much more to do. Just feeling a bit snowed under and the moment...

    Can’t wait to get all this stuff out the way so I don’t have to be on my computer so much when I’m alone.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 1 again but yesterday was not a full relapse but I did peak and edge a fair bit.

    Managed to stop before I went the full way, then went to stay at my gf’s for the night and had some good sex so not all bad and really no sign of ED.

    I just need to stay away from the porn and find a better way to deal with stress and frustration.

    I think I just need to get up from my computer and walk away, even if it is just for a few minutes...

    On with day 1 again!

  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 1 again, peeked yesterday.

    Stopped myself again, but peeling is just stupid really.

    Edged a bit but stopped and then got on with my life.

    Just feel a bit drained and less focused when I do this.

    Tonight I’m gonna really try to leave the room when I have a craving.
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 1 again.

    Did it again 3 PMO’s.

    Really just need to get away from my laptop but got so much work to do, I was up until 10 last night doing work, and the end is not close.

    Normally I would just turn the internet off, but at this stage I need it for research.

    I did get up a couple of time and walk away but then I just sort of forgot, or didn’t care and it just happened. And then again. And then again.

    I think it’s just a combination of stress and being on my laptop for all my free time after finishing work for the last few days.

    Can’t wait till this project is over, so I can get away from the laptop for a while.
    slonek24 likes this.
  10. APA

    APA Member

    hello, the more we explore our fight with this addiction by writing about it . The more we become clear about lots of issues relating to this . This might be different for every person . With every fall we get to know about the enemy's tactics. If we take it positively. The key is to not get panicked or overwhelmed by the relapse (we all go through this) rather have a practical approach and use the power of regret to move you to action . REGRET IS A LIKE A FIRE UNDER THE ROCKET IT CAN MAKE YOU DO UNBELIEVABLE THINGS.
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 4 of being clean.

    For the last few days I have been away from my laptop spending time with my gf and family and it’s been really nice.

    Today I will be home alone again after work and will have to be conscious of myself and just turn the WiFi of on my laptop. I think I have now gotten past the research stage so should be good to just bosh out the work without the need for an internet connection.

    @APA yeah I think I see what your saying... you are saying that I can use this feeling of regret and shame as a kind of fuel to make better decisions. And avoid the addiction.

    Totally agree and I will be employing this method today after work.
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 6 of being clean.

    I have been a little grumpy the last couple days, but I do also have moments of real self confidence and clarity.

    Being with my gf helps a lot. She doesn’t know about the P addiction but is just generally supportive about my goal to start my own business.

    I find it much easier to stay clean when I have her around me. So I am trying to spend as much free time as I can with her. It’s good because I am actually so much more productive when I am around her.

    Different type of day for me at work today, as I am out the office this morning.
    A New Man likes this.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 7 of being clean.

    After I got going yesterday I started feeling better.

    Got work all done and out then way and then in the evening managed to do my knee exercises and a whole bunch of work so o am now just under half way through the mass of work I have for this stage of my business.

    It’s a good feeling and as I go through this process I’m getting faster and more efficient. Especially since I now don’t need the internet so have turned the WiFi off on my laptop. This really helps me stay clean.

    Normal day at work today, and then an evening where I am not seeing my gf. I will be doing work today, at home on my own. I have turned the WiFi off already so should be fine to just bosh through this work and be free from relapse.

    Caesura, Brit_91_kd and A New Man like this.
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 11 of being clean.

    I thinks it’s day 11 might be 10 or 12....

    Feeling good in general, a little grumpy, but that’s fine, I can d al with that.

    Work today, then got more work to do at home and again should be fine because don’t need Internet for this one I will make sure the first thing I do when I turn on the laptop is to delete the WiFi code and turn the wifi off. Then I can get onto my work.

    I have done the vast majority of the stuff I wanted to do so now is just the finishing bits and bobs. Feels good to have achieved so much. I could not have done this if I was still PMOing regularly.
    Caesura likes this.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 12 now (I’m pretty sure about that).

    It’s a Wednesday, so getting there through the week. Last couple days have been a bit of a struggle.

    Been feeling a bit down and grumpy. Yesterday I did a fair bit of work, and when reviewing it when I was done it was really not good enough so today I woke up and have decided I will just re-do it again. This set back upset me last night.

    I have also been thinking a little bit about how I feel out with old friends which has upset me a little. Had a dream last night about it.

    I find this happens a lot when I am clean for a couple of weeks. I start to think about things from my past more, which always gets me down. I’m sure that it’s the fact I am no longer numbing my pain and my brain is now processing my emotions.

    It’s quite painful in all honesty. And today I just want to go back home, not be at work, and just sleep the day away.

    Hopefully as time goes on today I’ll start feeling a little better.

  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I was at day 20 ish and peeked a bit on Tuesday, yesterday I managed to stay clean, and today I plan to stay clean again.

    What I might do is just minus 5 days from my total, so go down to say day 17 today. Because I don’t think I caused too much damage and had no PIED yesterday while having sex.

    I feel like when I get a good streak going there is some momentum there which helps to propel me forwards and when I go all the way back to 0 I just feel demotivated and then go into that kind of ‘fuck it’ mentality which I really want to avoid.
  17. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Have you considered using a spreadsheet instead? I tend to think everyone already knows about that trick, but thought I'd ask
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    @Caesura hey man.

    Yeah I do use one. Been using them for about 3 years now.

    It’s linked to my signature if you view on desktop. Actually I need to update it with the last couple relapses, think I’m about a month or so behind now actually.
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Not sure what day I’m on now as I need to look at my spreadsheet.

    Today could be a dangerous one regarding using the internet at home on my own.

    It has come to the stage in my business that I now have to start using social media. This has always been a danger for me and staying clean from PMO is one of the reasons I stopped using social media. I need to figure out how I can do this without relapsing. One way could be going to a local place and being in public while I do this work.

    I’m the last couple months I have been doing so well, there has only been a few minor relapses but most of my time has been 100% clean which I am proud of. I feel better, more motivated confident and PIED has basically gone away.

    Just need to keep focus on the future that I want away from PMO.
  20. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Good luck, man. What about paying someone else to do social media? Maybe that's a naive question; I've never started a business.

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