Attempt round 2

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by chrism, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok so I just found myself edging again but after a few minutes I stopped.

    I am now deleting YouTube off my phone again.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    This week has gone well.

    I am now on day three and the last day I peeked I went on my date and had sex twice within 3 hours. With no PIED.

    It is clear that the month of being clean and re-wiring with the girl I am seeing has really helped me to recover.

    I am seeing her again tonight and the thought of seeing her again is helping me to want to be a better person. I just wanna be porn free and be with her.

    Using porn is such a waste of time and energy and I would much rather be close to her.

    After I have been with her I just feel better in general which is nice.
    Caesura likes this.
  3. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey chrism, congrats on this thing going with this girl. The fact you're able to have fun with her and show no sign of PIED, well mate... that's bloody fantastic! Keep on rewiring and staying as clean as you possibly can- porn has absolutely nothing to offer. It undermines us in many ways that we're not even aware of- that's why getting rid of it has so many unexpected benefits. i've found when things are going well, staying clean is not really "work", but then there will be some incident (stresser/trigger/stresser +stresser + trigger) and it will get difficult for a couple of days, but then it gets easy again. The key is being able to "hold our seat" (as Pema Chodron says) when it gets tough, knowing that you will feel a lot better, and surprisingly quickly. It usually takes me about 2 days to snap out of it, which isn't that long. Trouble is I used to cave after a day of feeling crap and never realized the cloud would lift in a few hours' time.

    Thanks for your comments on my journal recently. You've got me thinking about how I can incorporate more socializing into my working day. Last week i went down to the library to do some work around other people but there was a bloke there who had this loud, booming voice and I got fuck-all done! Haha, ah well, the theory is sound, i'll just go back and hopefully he's not there every day...
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Not sure why but last night I edged for like 4 hours on YouTube.

    I put YouTube back on my phone because internet was down at work and I like to watch videos in my lunch break. I had forgotten to delete it again. I am deleting it now.

    Feel crap today, not o oh did I get 3 hours less sleep last night due to edging way into the time I should have been going to bed. I also now have some pretty severe cravings.

    Date tonight, not sure how this is gonna go, feel quite down tbh.
  5. time_to_quit

    time_to_quit New Member

    Keep your head up Chrism. You've gone where not many of us have gone. Don't get depressed, we're only human. Look at the goals you have set, both for you and your relationship, and keep gunning for it!
    chrism and A New Man like this.
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok so good news and bad.

    I am on day 1 (the bad news). Yesterday I PMO’d.

    I now have a girlfriend (the good news).

    So yeah I really need to get my shit together and stop relapsing. I think a lot of it has been because I am hiding from my emotions with porn.

    I am gonna remove my WIFI code from my laptop when I get home so it won’t happen again.

  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, just peeked, but stopped myself after 5 minutes, I have now updated my spreadsheet and now Wifi will be removed on my laptop.
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day one.

    Feeling good, saw my gf last night and had sex twice. PIED is now not really an issue.

    I want that feeling of happiness back that is get from being clean. It makes me more content with life and gives me more drive to be better at life.

    Today I should be able to stay clean.

    I have removed my WiFi from my laptop, got blockers on my phone and removed YouTube app from my phone.

    I am also seeing my gf tonight so that should mean that this will be the start of another long streak to heal my brain.

    Thanks to everyone here who is reading and giving support!

    Caesura and A New Man like this.
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 2 of being clean.

    Yesterday I smashed it. Work, very productive, factory is running nice and smooth, websites are all being built, design work is going well. Got home went to gym, showered, did some good work for my own business, ironed, made dinner, did some more work for my new product, and finally went to bed at like 21:00 with my book!

    Good day.
    Caesura likes this.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 0.

    I PMO’d 4 or 5 times today I can’t remember really. But yesterday I had sex 3 times.

    I know that I am doing wrong by PMOing, I have just had a bit of stress getting stuff sorted for my business so I have been using porn to coupe with it.

    It sort of worked, I was able to get a lot of work done.

    This is not what I should be doing. I now have an amazing gf, I want to save all my energy for her.

    I just need to get my shit together and stay clean. I need to be better and deal with my stress in an adult, sensible way.

    Tomorrow is day 1.

    Here to another clean day.

    I wanna feel like I did what I was a month clean again. It was so much better than how I feel now.

  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well today is day 1. And hopefully the beginning of a new clean streak to get me back to being positive and happy like I was last good clean streak.

    I was thinking this morning and when I PMO’d yesterday I didn’t even want to. I was literally just doing it to escape from the work I had to do.

    This is stupid because, not o oh did it mean that the work took longer, but it also meant that I now feel a bit of anxiety and my laziness/ brain fog is back a bit.

    Just need to keep reminding myself that I want to be the best version of myself, and part of that meant never using P again!
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok well I made a mistake, I tested my blocker and of course it didnt work and I just endged for a while.

    Stopped now, but still pretty stupid
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    No will power at the moment.

    Any excuse and I edge or PMO.

    Can’t wait till this project is over and I don’t have to use my laptop for a while. Back to day 0
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, when I get home I am going to add the blocked websites to my home internet again.

    I need to give myself some sort of barrier to it at the very least just to get me back to some sort of clean stretch, as recently I have not got past a couple days!

    Pretty sure the PIED will be back again, had the first sign of it the other day. I also just feel a bit shit in general really so need to change something.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 2 of being clean.

    Had a few instances of PIED.

    It is so clear to me that porn gives me ED.

    Really gonna try and stay clean this week! I need to get back to being a better me!
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Morning of day 3 of being clean.

    Feeling a little better today. The shame of relapsing is reducing.

    I have a definite goal to not PMO this week. At the end of this week I will be meeting my GF’s parents for the first time, and I also have a day seeing a couple of friends which would be good if I was happy and positive, so being clean is a no brainier this week.

    Once this week is out the way hopefully that clean week will get my head back into a good place and help me bring that clean streak forward to the coming weeks.

    This would be great because I have a few more videos to record and I hate being on camera when I have released because I feel all self conscious and don’t look as healthy.

    So yeah, lots of stuff coming up and just wanna stay clean and be healthy and happy.

    Sounds simple enough....
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Morning of day 4 of being clean.

    Not gonna lie I am in a bad mood.

    Probably some withdraw, and my neck aches for some reason.

    Gonna just keep focusing on being clean, because after the negative place everything gets much better!
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah I’m super irritable today.

    Got a few bits to do after work but then going to see my GF and that will be nice.
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 5 of being clean.

    Not gonna lie, yesterday was tough, but got through it, kept myself super busy (exercises, work, cleaned my whole flat, did work for my business, stayed at my gf’s, got an early night).

    Today I feel so much better.

    This is a roller coaster, so many ups and downs! Just got to remember that in the down time a good time is just round the corner!
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day 3 of being clean.

    The last post I made I ended up going out drinking with my 2 friends. It had been planned for a while and I had the next day off to recover.

    This is the danger zone for me and unfortunately I used porn to feel better. This was a day of 3 relapses. Luckily I don’t really remember much of it.

    I am now on the third day of being clean and feel as though I have not lost the progress I made with those previous 5 days of being clean.

    I have woken up quite early and came straight on here instead of anything else. I have a lot of stuff to do today, so gonna try be focused and not waste my time.


Share This Page