Attempt round 2

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by chrism, Aug 23, 2016.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    *** NOTES as a result of events which have occurred since writing this original post to Follow;

    - I am aiming to follow the No Arousal method as best as I can
    - I am trying to simplify things as much as possible so there is no focus on finding a new relationship for now
    - For me, a relapse will consist of either peeking at P or Psub images/Video on a screen, or PMO
    - MO will not be considered a relapse unless I have peeked (but that would be a relapse anyway)
    - Using a spreadsheet to track progress
    - Trying to increase other activities such as exercise and creative things like graphic design and making things
    - Learning to be more social on my own in public, such as going to the pub, or having lunch on my own in public places

    I am using the following blockers;

    K9, Parental setting with my ISP to block adult websites and StayFocused extension for chrome (mainly for google images, flickr and youtube, because sometimes I like using these for normal things)

    On my phone I have also enabled restrictions for adult content and block all websites that are triggers for me.

    I will update these notes if I feel there are points that I have changed which have improved my recovery

    *** Notes done

    Ok, this is a follow up to my previous journal (link below). this does have some information about the beginning of this chapter, so please have a look because I will be starting on this today, Tuesday 23.08.16.

    This chapter takes place right towards the end of my 6 years relationship with my GF. I realised I was a porn addict 18th Jan 2014

    Been aware of my porn addiction for a little under 3 years now, I have made a lot of progress, but I have also not stayed away from porn for longer than a few weeks.

    I am beginning this Journal today, Tuesday 23.08.16, My PMO spreadsheet will track from a week or so before today, and this takes into account the end of my relationship, which ended on 17.08.16.

    This is a very bad time for me and I am not handling it well at all, putting on a brave face but inside I just dont know what to do, I feel as though this is the end of something amazing and I wish I/We had handled things differently so we were still together.

    Ok so that is the sum up of why I am creating a new journal, next post to follow
    Last edited: May 21, 2017
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It had been 4 days since me and my GF broke up, I guess I should say Ex, but honestly I hate that and it makes me sad, so for now I will just call her Kali.

    After no communication and the last time we say each other being our break up, she texts me with this;

    "do you want to go on holiday?"

    I have not replied for a number of reasons, these being:

    1. I am unsure if this text is for someone else
    2. We have broken up and this is very confusing to me
    3. I am too upset and it is simply too painful to think of a response right now
    4. this could have been sent a while ago and only come through now

    What was i thinking when I got the text;

    "YES, YES, YES of course I want to go on holiday with you, the best time of my life was being on holiday with you and all I ever wanted to do was hang out with you all day and sleep with you all night. I know you asked me if I wanted to go away with you a few months ago, I remember saying yes! so why did you break up with me instead of just being cool and letting me take you on holiday? we could have been going away together we would have had time to talk about all these issues away from people and sort everything out how it should have been sorted out. But now this is not possible now I need to build myself up again and become who I want to be, just like you do, you need time away from me as well, you said your doing better without me, it makes me sad, but all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I hope your ok, I really do, I hope you ring me if you are sad, I miss you so much it's killing me inside."

    So yeah Things are shit right now.

    I had a day off yesterday, on monday, the day before I did well, no PMO and no MO. but yesterday I woke up with wood and that just made me horny for the day, so I did well, didn't mess up for a while, until maybe mid day ish as I got back home and had wood again, I got my cock out, sat on my bed and just looked at it. this made me sad as I wish I could have had Kali there with to share it with but that is over now. I put my cock away and got on with my day, but later on I MO'd twice, once a in the late afternoon and once again at night.

    I know this is better than PMO, so I am not going to beat myself up too much about it even though it was twice in one day.

    Today is a new day though, I have peeked at porn before coming on here, but my aim is not to mess up today, so that is where im at now.

    ---- I just relapsed to porn. I guess talking about this is making me upset and I messed up, could feel it happening as if I knew I could stop but decided not too.

    I just genuinely feel very down about everything now, earlier today when I was driving home I thought "you know what I don't even like porn anymore, it does nothing for me so I'll just MO at the very worst and this will be how I can sort myself out and get away from porn.

    I will still focus on MOing instead of PMOing but for now it is everly days and tomorrow will be a week that my relationship is now over, I hope I don't mess up tomorrow.

    I will not be posting here every day, but I will be posting here fairly regularly. I know this is a place for talking about PMO and such, but for now I will be using it to share my thoughts about my breakup and how that is affecting my relapses, so far I am much worse than when i was with my love.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It has now been one week since me and Kali split up and honestly I hate this.

    No messing up so far today and my house mate has just got home so that will be a good distraction. I plan to do yoga, sort myself out for work tomorrow and then go out for a skate.

    The message Kali sent me about going on holiday has been playing on my mind, I would love so much to just forget this whole thing and go away with her and just have a fucking awesome time together like i remember us having. its just such a shame that all this happened.

    No morning wood today, so gonna try keep going till it returns, because that really does make me feel better.

    Any way, no messing up yet today, so things are not the worst.

    just did yoga too so feeling a bit more healthy. now for a fruit smoothy.
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Had a very average day.

    Been feeling a little low, but that is to be expected.

    Not going to go into it too much but still having a terrible time with this break up, feel as though I have lost a massive caring and beautiful part of me. Still cant stop thinking about the text about going on holiday, I hope Kali does get to go for a nice holiday and I hope I do too at some point. such a shame we wont be going together.

    Back to the porn addiction. I will be doing a chilled evening today, mostly just sort my tools and stuff out as this is something I should have been doing a while ago, After that, maybe have a fruit smoothy and then smoke a few J's while I watch some good TV.

    No yoga today as did yoga and skated yesterday and not going to overdo it and fuck myself over for tomorrow.

    Penis update, feels good, had a few nice sensations of semi wood at work today (with no stimulation, just natural nice feelings). I will not be playing today and will be excited to see what happens tomorrow morning.

    Any way, time to sort some tools out.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    going strong so far, no relapse today, no morning wood either, but did get a semi in the shower, so things are looking up.

    I have not peeked at porn and I believe this is how I will stay away, just dont even go there, no looking and therefor less temptation.

    Went to a house I will be painting the bathroom of tomorrow and its a lovely small job so Im quite looking forward to it :)

    Time to go and get a bit of food before heading out for a pokemon hunt with my friends. Its a lovely day for it!

    Any way, until next time

    P.S. the text about the holiday is still fucking with my head. just dont see what her intention was, and havnt had another text so assuming it was meant for someone else. which sucks, but were not together and I want her to be happy so I hope she has fun. I still love her so much, this is really difficult.
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Its saturday, Woke up at 07:00 because I am painting a downstairs bathroom today for my friends.

    Nice morning so far but did just peek at porn for 10 minutes which was bad.

    Actually was kinda stupid really, dont know why I did it, maybe it because im sleepy.

    I have been waiting for morning wood and this morning it arrived, Happy Days, does feel good waking up and rolling over and feeling something solid downstairs. I dunno maybe that made me horny. Last night I went to bed and thought i would have a MO, got right to the point before Orgasm and didnt have a tissue or anything so stopped, found a tissue and by the time I found that I was done, and decided not to continue so that is most probably the reason for my carveyness this morning.

    Anyway, time to eat my bowl of cereal and get dressed and go painting, Im just happy I peeked, but have now decided to stop. It has not been 4 days since I last messed up and that is definitely encouraging. I am actually feeling a lot less cravey that last time I tried to reboot, figures crossed this continues.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok so last post was the saturday morning, it is now monday morning.

    (I have added a short summary to this post at the end)

    Monday was going well, but had some time to myself during the day and PMO'd when I was back for lunch, this must have been due to me peeking in the morning, I am finding that poking the bear is not going to help me.

    I then later MO'd, after work, which in a way was nice due to the fact it really didn't require any kind of work, it just happened within seconds. This is encouraging, because in the past I have not been able to get hard, not able to cum due to my brain being numbed so much, it seems as though I am becoming less numb.

    I had a really good day despite my mess ups and did a whole load of organising myself, sorting out my painting gear, making food (good food with lots of veg and a nice pie) doing some washing and stuff and then chilling in the evening with my housemates.

    the next morning I woke up at 06:30 on my day off, massively in need of sleep, tried to et back to sleep until like 08:30, at which point my frustration got the better of me, I PMO'd (took about 5 minutes) I still couldn't sleep and ended up rolling and smoking a joint, still couldn't sleep so got up and started tidying the house.

    So, what have I learnt from this?

    1. I can not peek (I may have know this before but I feel it is good to highlight it formally)
    2. I feel as though (like Kali used o say) it is better to MO than to peek, get all cravey and then PMO, so from now on I will be using what I call the tap method, I will be MOing at minimum every 3 days from now (I have never looked at it in this way before so on the third day of me being clean I will MO as a preventative measure during this period where I am feeling upset about my 6 year relationship with Kali crumbling into nothingness. This is temporary, I will at some point extended this time frame but for not it will go;
    MO, 1 day clean, 2 days clean, Preventative MO, 1 day clean, 2 days clean, preventative MO and so on.

    Post Summary;

    Since last posting(saturday) I PMO'd twice and MO'd once (its now monday)

    I can not peek at porn! (already new this, but reminding myself)

    I realised I want to start trying a new thing, Preventative MOing, at a minimum of 3 days since last MOing, I will MO to stop myself from going to porn (trying to prevent any link to porn)

    Anyway, Trying to stay positive and just aiming to move forwards
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    it is monday morning still, in an attempt to do better at life, I have decided to update a load of my passwords because Kali knew them all, I want to make it clear that I trust her and would never think she would ever do anything bad like log into an account and mess with stuff, this is more for me because everytime I log into something it reminds me of her and I need to move forwards.

    So I stupidly went on facebook, went on Kalis profile, Now I feel fucking awful, worse I have felt since we broke up.

    I will not go to porn!
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Its Tuesday morning.

    Booked myself another day off both to make the most of this long weekend, to use up my remaining days of holiday, and to get some last bit of tidying done before our 6 months house inspection.

    I have been thinking a lot about how things could have been different and It just makes me think why did Kali have such a rush for me to move in with her? I mean I know she really wanted to live with me, I really wanted to live with her too. I know she saw me getting worse with my PMOing, but honestly I feel it is good for me to fight this on my own, I have done better than I thought I would have, I am still messing up but not every day.

    Since booking a few of these holidays in I new feel as though I had wasted them massively and only wish I had booked in a few more days for me and her to spend the day together. It would have been nice to have the day together, but I started a new job, I was busy and I guess that's how life is, you have things to do, other people around you have things to do as well, if the things you are doing happen to collide with the people around you then it makes life a lot easier and you are more likely to spend with time with that person.

    In other situations you may go out of your way to make it more likely to break out of your current routine and take action to make sure you see that other person. I did not do this to see Kali more. I know this, but I also knew that my holidays would have been reloaded in January, meaning I was left with three full weeks off work to take between the time our relationship ended and Jan, so 4 months to take three weeks off, We would have had a huge amount of time together.

    I dont know if its a good idea to go through these thoughts as it is bringing up things that I can not change, I guess its just a shame she couldn't have just waited a little longer before ending things.

    I miss her so much, especially now.

    I will not go to porn!
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    its thursday, PMO'd once yesterday and once the day before.

    Its probably because of that but I woke up so upset today crying a lot.

    I miss Kali so much, just want a hug. Really want to text her to see how she is doing, but text my mum instead to see what she says.

    Any way time to to go to work, I did consider ringing in sick, but got too much work to do.

    Cant wait for this day to be over.
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Home from work now, still thursday.

    Not a great day, just really focused on getting through the day and now Im home, so very happy about that.

    Gonna try bussy myself now and not PMO.
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It is Saturday morning.

    MO'd yesterday, feeling good today! plans have changed a little, was going to be having a weekend in Newquay, but due to weather plans have changed, now just got to plan out the day for my housemates birthday, this should keep me busy and stay away from porn!

    Currently 3 days clear of porn! this is what I need.

    I really do feel as though in the past I have been trying so hard not to mess up I actually put so much pressure on myself that it was causing me to be stressed and then mess up. Hopeful knowing that means I can now put less pressure on myself, worry less and beat myself up less when I do mess up and get back on track faster and with a more positive attitude towards staying clean.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It is sunday evening, had a really good weekend despite having PMO'd last night.

    I am not feeling too bad and just really need to focus on not PMOing over the next couple of days. I don't really remember PMOing, I was drunk. I think this is good because i'm not sure what I watched, so I haven't really had any flashbacks or anything like that.

    I have a day off tomorrow and think I will use that to do some yoga, go food shopping, do my ironing and try to just keep busy and not PMO. if i feel the need coming I will MO.

    Clean today, and feeling positive.
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Tuesday afternoon.

    Had an OK day at work, was pretty upset in the morning, but carried on and managed to get myself away from the thoughts of Kali that were making me want to cry, it was difficult, but I did not cry.

    Saturday night was my LAST PMO or MO, not got any massive cravings today, just a few little ones.

    no morning wood for a while now, must be because i have MO'd a few times, I am not down about this because if i feel down about it, it makes me worse, I beat myself up about it and it leads me to PMO. positive energy is really helping me.

    Anyway, time to do a half hour of Yoga, have a smoothy or something, then go climbing with my housemates, If I don't mess up between now and going climbing I should be good.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Wednesday afternoon, Not a great day, but also not a bad day.

    Not been in the best of moods, and it is very clear to me that this is a hurdle I need to get over. I need to not go to the bad place. I need to be strong.
  16. Nimeni7

    Nimeni7 Member

    Be strong chrisw!

    Do your best and you can win the war, forget the lost battles, the end of the war is important!
  17. Been there man. That fucking sucks. My ex dumped me July 28, 2014. We were together for close to six years. I think I was one step away from suicide - not to put those thoughts in your head, but it gets better. It gets worse before it gets better. Just cut all contact of her from your brain. (I remember even thinking that to myself and not wanting to because it made me so sad). I'm honestly STILL sad sometimes but now it's more nostalgia than anything. Now I see it for what it was and I could never go back to it, but the nostalgia remains - we had some good times.

    Just remember: there is no "the one." The only thing that helped was hitting the gym every single fucking day. Force that anger into something constructive and don't be afraid to talk to people. I talked to everyone who wanted to, and everyone has been there lad. I wrote in a journal around that time too and my god were those some depressing entries looking back over them. You'll be alright.

    Stop_Hammertime likes this.
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, Its Friday afternoon. Going strong not even peeked at porn this week. Last Re-lapse was a PMO, on saturday night, I am so close to a week clean I can taste it!

    I have to say it is really nice to have some comments on my journal from other people who are going through the same things as me, it is massively encouraging, and I very much appreciate the comments!

    I have found myself feeling a little cravey today, been on pinterest looking at random stuff and found myself scrolling like I used to trying to find naughty stuff. I have decided no more pinterest today!

    Before I came to this website I don't know why but I opening up an incognito browsing windows and typed in a porn site, but likely I stopped and closed it before it had a change to load anything. feeling quite proud of myself for closing it before I went to the bad place.

    not going to put too much pressure on myself this weekend as this will be my first weekend with no plans for a few months now, I will eat a lot, I will do some paper mache with my housemates and I will do some organising. I will not pressure myself to do exercise this weekend and therefore I can not be made at myself for not doing it. Instead of doing exercise I plan to eat healthy and try my best to find some good vegetable based recipes which are nice and easy for a week day dinner.

    @TheNoFapsTrials - I feel your pain, 6 years is long time to be with someone for it then to just end, I feel as though I had gone out of my way to be in a relationship and actively disconnected myself from other people. Now is the time to reconnect with friends.

    You are very right about the nostalgia, I keep getting vivid memories of the good times, I am more recently also trying to look at my now ended relationship with more balance. Trying to think about both the good and bad times, which I think is helping me.

    I like your plan about going to the guy and using the bad feeling to fuel something positive! I think I am going to sign up for a membership and my local climbing wall and see where that takes me! I do love climbing :)

    Thanks again for the kind words, I will come and check out your journal too.

    @ Nimeni7 - Thank you very much for your comments, I will be strong, I will do my best to get over this!

    You are definitely talking my language regarding forgetting the losses and focusing on the end goal. I think that now I am on my own I can forget about everything that happened in the past and now try to look at this as a problem that can be solved, I will try to think about how things are affecting me and what effect that has on my ability to stay away from PMO.

    Thanks again and Ill stop by your journal too.

    The weekend is here time to relax and focus on becoming a better me.
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Saturday Morning, 06:30 house mate woke me up as he was going to work, I PMO'd.

    Would have been 7 days. That is something to hold onto, Its been a while before I made it 7 days clean. I am feeling good about that. trying to stay positive.

    Thinking about it, the last two days I could feel myself getting more cravey, but think maybe the pinterest yesterday was bad for me, I am considering removing pinterest from my phone until I can trust myself again. OK pinterest is gone from my phone.

    Hopefully I can make it through the weekend without messing up again. I was considering MOing yesterday as a preventative measure, I thought I was on top of things, Maybe my plan about setting time scales to MO instead of PMO was better than me trying to not do anything.

    I will start doing that again I think, need to get my head away from porn.
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Not the best few days, It's monday afternoon, just PMO'd.

    Time to start again.

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