At the helm

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Gilgamesh, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Had to deal with some difficult fantasies this morning. Surfed my urges well. Not feeling too well though. Very tired and grumpy. Will try to take it easy this week. Also I hope to find time to do my breathing exercises and meditate.

    Note to self: keep avoiding arousal by fantasies, ogling, etc. Surf those urges or focus on something else!
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Feeling extremely down today. There are no reasons for it. Everything is fine. It must be just part of the reboot and in a way that thought is strengthening my determination to push through.
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Had really bad urges last night. First before going to sleep and later when I woke up in the middle of the night. It was more difficult to stop the fantasies right away than before. I fantasized a bit. It was a matter of seconds, but had very strong arousal with it. I see more clearly how, in terms of visual stimulation and arousal, fantasies are not so different from porn. AT least not in the early stage. After a while fantasies become dull, and with porn it's easier to keep the rush going for longer time as the images are more novel and vivid. Just got up and did my breathing exercises and meditation. Feel a lot better now.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This has been my experience. One day I'm fine, the next I'm devastated. It's often during the bad times that I relapse, so if you can actually boost your determination during these, it's great.

    Fantasy is the worst, I've realized. That's how it all began for me, and I fear it will be the hardest to get rid of.
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Today I am having really good and light interaction with people. Feeling light in general. Just now I am making the connection with the breathing exercises I did this morning. Making 30 min time for this is such a good investment. Too bad that often I don't see this and rather choose to stay a bit longer in my bed.

    The urges of last night are sticking around though. All the time I have these flash-fantasies coming up. I have to keep seeing them as energy. They come with rushes or waves going through my body. I really have to make sure to feel them like that for what they are and not letting them go into visual appearance.

    In a week or 2 I will be home alone for about one week. I am looking up to it. I feel that my mind is ready to explore possibilities to act out. Not so much porn, but going to places where I can see or meet hot available women, amongst which hookers. Shit, feeling arousal while I am writing this. Thinking about this week on myself feels like freedom. That on itself actually gives me a rush. There are several healthy options that I can do in that period that make me almost equally exited. I am thinking of a small camping trip alone or with a friend. Maybe I should set the date with my friend, so I have no other option. Then there are several days that I will be home because I will be working. Still have to find a good preparation for that . . .

    @Eternity: thanks man. yeah it's crazy. The instability makes it so hard to prepare and during good times it's so difficult to imagine what the bad times are like...….
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    That's great that you're planning ahead for the week alone, good thinking! Camping idea sounds like a good idea, with a friend sounds even better! One thing I'd say though is to not depend on your friend to be there as s/he might not be able to make it or cancels at the last minute, which (in my experience) makes it easy to just throw the whole trip out the window. So, do it on your own at the very least, but with a friend would be better.
  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    While I'm not sure that living alone is worse (as an addict you can always find opportunities), there are definitely things I can do whenever and as often as I wish. If I didn't have to go to work, I doubt I could beat this... When I'm off it's hard to find something that gets me away from the computer. So, if you can plan something that gets you outside, go for it!
  8. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Not feeling so well. This morning I was very anxious and insecure. This afternoon I just felt very down. The good thing about it is that I feel close to myself and my emotions. I accept the fact that I can't really do anything about it. I do feel very grateful for what I have. I also understand that rebooting takes a lot of time. No problems with fantasies or urges today.

    In 2 weeks I will be home alone for one week. I am a bit anxious for that, as opportunity to act out is a big trigger for me. On the other hand I also feel excited about it, because it is also an opportunity to recover. It gives me more time to pay attention to myself and to my feelings and a change to do things differently. I think I can handle it really well as long as I stick to this.

    1. No fantasies or suspense: Previous times in similar situations I always had fantasies about the things I could do being alone: be with other women (not that I am such a casanova, but hell, it's a fantasy), going to hookers, check out women at the beach, etc. I allowed myself these fantasies (often with edging), because I could justify it by saying 'they're just fantasies'. But by the time I was actually on myself then, I was already so aroused that basically each time the same evening my wife left, I PMOed. So if I can avoid fantasies, and therewith stop the relapse train from leaving the station, I should be able to deal with urges that are triggered by opportunity.

    2. Camping trip: I booked a camping spot somewhere quite far away for the weekend. The only thing I can really do there is canoeing and going for bike rides. looking forward to it and keeps me away from my laptop and potential boredom for those days.

    3. Remembering what I am doing this for: Today, feeling down and pessimistic, I suddenly realized that I don't want my son to go through these kinds of things and that if I can't be there for him for what kind of reason or when I can't be a healthy role model for him, it would devastate me. He is the main priority in my life. And although I do this for me to, I should be aware of the fact that my health and behaviour also affects him in the long run. There are so many good reasons to recover from this terrible addiction. I have to keep doing this,no matter how hard it is going to be.

    @gavney: Thanks man. I asked my friend and he wasn't sure yet. I thought about what you said and decided to book a camping spot to pitch my tent. So it's set now, whether he will come or not :)

    @Eternity: I think I would have many more difficulties alone. As they say: urges quickly disappear when there is no opportunity to act out. Although I have to say that in the last 2 years or so, I did many shameful things in the bathroom or just after the wife and kid went to bed. Yeah, really don't want to do that anymore...… Thanks for posting man.
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Did my breathing exercises this morning. Made me feel really good. Energetic. Later in the day at work I had quite an anger outburst though. Didn't feel that bad. Kind of felt good to let the anger out. At one point some urges. But it's good to keep in mind that when the opportunity is not there, the urges disappear quickly. Surf those urges!
  10. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Hi @Gilgamesh
    I didn't take time to read all your posts and history .. Could you please tell me what kind of breathing exercise you practice?
  11. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Doing well .... staying aware of the importance to avoid fantasies and sexual stuff on TV and internet commercials. The other day I dreamt that I was climbing a mountain. Suddenly there was an earthquake and my thoughts were 'just a minor thing, I'll just keep climbing'. But then all of a sudden there was an avalanche of rocks and sand and I just knew I couldn't escape it and I would die. I started running and then woke up. To me it is very obvious that this is symbolic to my current reboot. If I don't take it seriously. If I slack with fantasies etc., I will be back at square one. This is my chance to recover. Right now.

    @outsider: I did a course 'the art of breathing' from the 'art of living foundation' from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. Google it. It's international. I was adviced to do it by my therapist to get rid of emotional ballast. I was a bit sceptic about it, but did it anyway. I find it a really practical hands-on way to indeed get rid of negative feelings, to connect to people, an opportunity to meditate and much more. When I do the exercises I feel diferent (better) the whole day. It just takes 30 minutes in total, so sometimes difficult to be disciplined enough to do them.
  12. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Thank you very much. I do need to learn to control my emotions. I'm too much nervous, especially and almost only with my kids, unfortunately. I also have tons of bad thoughts in my head.... Bad and negative ones, even for not important things... Have a huge work to do to free my mind from them. I'll check it, thanks again.
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Emotionally unstable again today. In the morning very angry. Angry at the world. At the same time ashamed of those feelings. I have everything I need. It's just there I think and it had to get out of my system somehow. Later in the day feeling down again and after that again angry and impatient. No urges though.

    Tomorrow work again. I am sure I will feel anxious again. Sweating, nervous. Kind of looking up to it. In 2 weeks I will have to give a talk. Feeling anxious about that too. I have given 100+ talks in my life, but can still be very anxious for it. It gets better, but still..... I think it has to do with my tendency to mix up my work results with my personal feelings of worth. If I am not doing a good job, I feel a terrible person. If I have nice results I feel valuable and accepted. I really have to learn to separate the two.
  14. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Had a good day today. Almost no anxiety and connecting well to people. Just the thought that my anxiety levels change from day to day is comforting. It means that it will probably get better during this reboot, or at least something that I can better deal with if I am paying attention to and working on my inner-self. No urges today. When the urges or fantasies come back, I will surf them.

    I am still 100% comfortable with the idea that porn will not be an option anymore in my life. This is really a big difference with my previous attempts. Somehow I have gained or lost something in my time away from the board.

    Although my emotions can change from day to day lately, one thing is in general getting better and that is that I care less about what other people think of me. I am not so much looking for attention and appreciation from others anymore. I pay more attention to what I feel and I want. That feels really good.
    Pete McVries, A New Man and Outsider. like this.
  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Member

    Nice to read about your recent success. Keep the momentum going!
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This is what I consider to be one of the most important benefits. It makes everything easier, at least for me. No longer having to worry about every single thing is great.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    This early afternoon I brought my son to bed and then went to bed myself with my laptop to read and write a bit on this board and have a nap. After closing down the browser, I realized that I had access to all the porn I wanted and a flash of some vids passed my inner-eye. I quickly closed down the laptop and decided I should go downstairs. I started doing my breathing exercises and realized I was actually quite anxious (because I was going to take my son to an afternoon out for children and parents). I felt how my heart was faster than in rest and felt a tingling feeling on my chest and in my arms. I kept doing the exercises and got into a very calm state of being. It felt like effortless meditation. All of a sudden a sexual fantasy came up and I got very horny. I felt my genital area expanding and from there an expanding tingling energy. I kept focusing on my feelings and was able to avoid anything visual. The tingling feeling spread through my body and lost its sexual side. It was a great experience. After that I felt energized. Note to self: keep abstaining and keep doing breathing exercises. There's still so much to learn and experience.
    A New Man likes this.
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Had some minor urges to fantasize this afternoon. No sexual charge to it directly, but it felt like my inner-addict was looking for a way to get some relieve. The 5 sec flash-fantasies kept coming back for a while. Just about how I would approach a girl I know. But clearly when I would give in to that, I would soon play different, more sexually charged, pictures in my head. I have to stay focused and not get seduced to give in to these seemingly harmless activities. Surf urges and minimize opportunity for acting out. Tomorrow 7 weeks Porn, Masturbation and Fantasy free!
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2018
    A New Man likes this.
  19. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Mate you are on fire. Thanks for sharing all your insights- i'm gonna check out the breathing exercises you mentioned (not because it gave you a hard-on, honest).
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Awesome! But yes, stay aware of those tiny urges. That's what I can't seem to learn, that it's the subtle stuff that always brings the downfall. No matter how harmless it seems.

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