...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    True. Was hanging out with my flatmates and avoided closing my door. Not being on my own has helped, I've managed to not do something stupid.
    Like Luke wrote: At your worst when isolated. Something to use, I guess. I'll try to exploit that hard and not be alone in my room as much as possible.
    Pete McVries and Bezoechow like this.
  2. kopp

    kopp Member

    Meet people, meet people, meet people. Call your friends, call your friends, call your friends.

    Go for a walk. Go to the park. Ride a bicycle. Do never stay home alone. Do never close your door. Talk to your roommates. Play with them.

    Send me a PM if you feel lonely, we'll talk.

    You'll make it man. You're a strong man, a man of value, you proved it along your journal. You're going through hell and you keep walking and fighting. You're an inspiration.
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your words, Kopp. Not lonely at the moment, but after four days of no PMO I feel my mind wanting to flee back to dopamine frenzied la la land. I can pin it in place, but its hard. Going for a walk tonight.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Mh, got laid today, for some reason. Some people just have weird taste, I guess.PIED wasn't too bad but it's still an issue. Four days of no PMO did do something, cause the last time around it was way different. Makes no difference in general, its nice to have sort of prompt recovery, albeit to a certain degree only, I'm still an addict. No two ways about it.

    Have to say though, I'm so very tired of sex, PMO, wanking and all that shebang. Doing 90 days of abstinence does sound like nice idea at the moment.
    Have to keep that thought and look at it tomorrow morning.

    Well, chaser is bound to hit anytime now, I knew that from the get go and I have ordered some IKEA DIY flak turrets. Kidding, flak turrets don't help with addictions (sadly), but I do await the chaser to hit. Might be a fun fight. I might learn something.
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Had chaser, but was able to stabilize. Kind of getting out of that lethargic abstain phase, always tricky, as not going to fast nor too slow is kind of critical. There's stuff I gotta do and messes I gotta fix. Going too slow would mean I'd be likely to get stuck in this mode. Going too fast and I overwhelm myself with oversized expectations. But by now I've done that a coupla times, so should be okay. But it's always a ride, man.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Loosing ground here. Three consecutive nights of not sleeping through, up yours, insomnia. Woke up with a bad mood and stayed in bed way late. The things I should've done but didn't are starting to burn away at my composure, true damage, no saving throws, my dudes.

    So, masturbated twice, not to porn. Tomato tomato. Did not know what to do with myself, too stunlocked in that weird place in my brain where planning is hard and doing anything, too. Sometimes I can get myself out of it with cleaning the flat and getting the kitchen in order, kind of a primary strategy. Can't expect to always win. Embrace the grind, give the hangman a grin, get back on that wheel you're bound to. That is my path, after all.
    Pledged myself to it long time ago. Setbacks yes, quitting, niemals. Ne'er.

    What I have is awareness. Still keeping count here, still looking at the issue, not gone head in the sand mode. Count your blessings, I guess.
    Well, at least I now no longer feel like an unmoveable object. Writing helps, quite often.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Bah. Can't keep myself from wanking atm. At least its the happy kind not the "I feel bad and have nothing else to do". If thats a difference really, I have a suspicion I might be bullshitting myself here. Moods improved at least and I slept at a friends place, and I mean really slept. Seems insomnia has buggered off to her corner. Stay there, I don't love you.

    Going to a family reunion, which is a good thing, I like my folks, troubled as they might be (they're human, so there you are), they're good people, with some temporary exceptions. But I have a sharp tongue, so at worst its me bitching back in a proportional manner.

    Edit: Might sound weird, but I've recognized that listening to music actually improves my mood greatly. Leave it up to me to soap box about weird and abstract concepts for bettering your life while I oversee the simple things that actually work. Like synth stuff, don't know why I like it, I just do.
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2019
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    warning: low on coherent thoughts today.

    mh. guess there's a reason for these models of recovery where you try to find values and then try to pursue them. family reunion was fun but the hangover left me with ...not many emotions. and my sense of judgement and motivation are gone fishing, too.

    just cannot connect to any of this. drifting through a sorta painless limbo.

    doesn't feel bad. just doesn't feel like anything at all. sort of a nice trip. not really feeling like a person today.

    part of me is looking for a way out, part of me is sitting there and goes like: If we don't know who we are, how could we bother where that we is at?

    gods, I've drifted out there for a spin around the planet or two. time to come back home. somebody has to write this journal, somebody has to live this life, might as well be me.
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    warning: too mch coherent thoughts today

    Thinking. What is my motivation in this? It started with flailing wildly, grasping for any straw when I went technically impotent. You're quick to swear fealty to any concept when you're threatened like that. That came from the damages my addiction patterns caused. My motivation initially was to counter the effects addiction has on me.

    It would be a logical step to say that I then decided to root out addiction then and there. For good. I and many fellow humanthings aren't beings of logic pure, though.

    It has been a fallacy of mine to assume because something seemed right, seemed logical, that therefore I'd strive for that.

    Recovery for me has rather been a transactional kind of thing. If I abstain seven days, I get so and so much better in bed. If I go for three weeks I feel so much better about myself.

    I mean I intended to quit for good. But your actions sometimes tell a different story than the one you tell yourself. This is no coming clean/confession post, by the way. I am just trying to look at stuff and at the way I look at stuff. And the way I look at the way I look at stuff.

    Writing in a public forum has its modifiers to how I express myself as well. I'm not super aware of it, but I know you always have that factor audience. What do I tell, what do I not tell? Some shit is obvious. Names and personal details aren't hard things to cut out. Then you try to avoid redudancy, cause reasons. Then you feel the need to keep working on what you've been working on.

    To a degree, I have a sub persona when I'm thinking and writing about my addiction here. Bit like having that addiction side to myself, rather hidden and under a heavy cloaking screen.

    I mean its normal that we're all a bit fractured in the ways we are. No man's an island, but sometimes he's an archipelago. Sort of.

    But this whole "my little porn adventure" thing has become kind of a hobby when I want to be productive and I've overdone it with consuming whatver. A hobby I have no big qualms letting just sit and simmer for a while if something else has come up. Until, lo and behold, nothing else is coming up anymore, y'know. And then I'm back.

    Thing is, this isn't about addiction to porn or masturbation. This isn't even about addiction, really. There's a lot of things I do that way.

    Act only when it's absolutely necessary.

    If I put it like that, it sounds absolutely like a horrible trait to have. But you know what? In all honesty I don't mind it that often. Lemme be clear, I'm discussing whether or not I should try to change that about myself, so this ain't a excusory writing exercise either.

    Just no point in thinking on that shite and not taking the time to look at it long and hard and think. Thats what I despise so much about many motivational and inspirational quotes that are flying around these days. Be the best you you can be bla di la di bla.

    That ain't gonna help no one in the long run. Stuff got no depth, so how you going to dig deep with a shovel that fragile?

    Well, lets leave that tangent.

    Being that reactive and passive isn't too bad for me. I don't care much about money, as long as there's enough to pay rent, food, beer, cigarettes, the occasional game on sale on the usual sites. I don't care much about status, as I had to live for a long time without it and positively had do be able to not give a shit when I was in my depressive vagabond years. Survival instinct is a supreme teacher. I also don't care that much about myself, quite frankly. Which does sound horribly. It's not that I hate me or think about me in negative terms in any capacity. Well, at times, like most do (and some who never do it I'd rather not meet, quite frankly.) And I know the difference between a well, normal, for lack of a better term self-doubt and that raging void of self destruction. Been there. Tore it down, didn't go well together with my hair color.

    And thats it, to a degree. My addiction ain't killing me. It's like a bloody weed habit, it's not going to end your life, just dull it.

    Depression threatened my life. There wasn't really any reason to just let it be and let it fester. It was a kill it before it lays eggs kinda deal. And it took the better part of a decade to accomplish. And of course, my addictions where if not the root cause at least part of the root cause for it. Had I known with age 21 about all of this bloody parade of destruction this affliction can put into your life, my life might have gone way different. Sheesh, that almost brings out something akin to anger in me. A bit.

    This here isn't life threatening. Not to me, of course. I know it is for other people.

    And if you're a dude with very manageable expectations that can be an issue. As I am now, I am a very reactive kind of pokemon.

    But I'm also not that daft and able to self train, so that is no law o the universe I need to adhere to. So, the option is kind of there.

    And having the option is another, well, trap. Pretend I'm a bartender and there's a super drunk annoying patron. My option is like the baseball bat I have under the bar. If he'd get super annoying, I could always get the baseball bat out and force him out of the door. And having that option, as a "I might do this" ace up my sleeve, it actually lets me stand the annoying patron way longer. Indefinitely. (But life's finite, mate, I hear you say.)

    Cause getting the bat out and making a scene out of it would cost so much energy. And in this metaphor I'm the lazy kind of bartender who always takes way to long for shit. You know, the one you kind of hate, if you're a beer person.

    Huh. So not directly threatened and calmed by the option to do something about it. Also generally reactive. Ya, I can see how that has been a persistent problem for me.

    Nothing about this is new or novel. But it takes some looking at, before I can decide whether I'd like to take the huge investment to change a core component of what passes for a personality with me or stick to my old no fucks given ways.

    Because in reality I have pushed that decision point into the future for two years straight (lol, straight.)

    I'm that dude, sitting on the threshold, undecided whether or not I want to pass that door. An before he can decide, I actually need to fully appreciate the predicament he's put himself in. By non-action.

    The logical solution, the decision that follows is just an option to him. That there. Thats the issue. Not addiction. Not cigarettes (tho they might kill him one day. Whats one day to him now?) Not porn. Not money. Not status.


    Hey there buddy, hows life on that threshold?

    It's okay he says and shrugs.

    And I am him, and I am also the one making these observations and I am also the one who convulsed in pain from depression on oh so many kitchen and bathroom floors, that raging tide of the void waters closing him in, nullifying any meaning any vision he had. I am also the dude I get to be on a nice day when everything is fine. I am also that crusader crying havoc and wanting to burn it all down to the ground.

    As I said, I am no stranger to fragmentation. Archipelago of different vantage points of being me. What a mess. And what beauty.

    Back to the dude on the threshold. He delays, yet he knows, yet he delays. Hello, core root of all of my issues. Hallo, ewige Wiederkehr.

    Hold that picture. Observe. Live with it. Make no sudden move, you'll startle him. He needs time, even more time, to make up his mind.
    Ain't pretty but that actually is the way he's come to be.
  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    It's funny, when I read journals on these sites, I always paint pictures of how I think the author might look like and how he behaves in real life. What his occupation is and how he carries himself outside of this dead-dick-microcosm. When I think about you, even though I might be completely wrong with the following, I always have to think of an underachiever. Your last entry manifested it even more so. And by underachiever, I don't mean achievement in a sense of money and wealth but of what you are actually capable of achieving if you put your mind to it. I bet you were/are lazy as fuck in school/uni but always managed your way through while even acing the occasional test without doing too much. Auf einer Arschbacke absitzen. You are extremely eloquent and funny in a language that is not your native one which I think is a clear sign of a high intelligence. And if I'm partly correct with what I wrote so far, then that might be part of your problem. Maybe, you just lack ambition because you were almost always able to get to the next stage rather easily and in comparison to your peers. And you took the line of the least resistance more often than not, I bet. A drifter type of guy. Perhaps you are even afraid of what would happen if you put all your eggs in one basket. You probably know what Uncle Ben said to Spiderman...

    I might be totally wrong about it all, I'm just trying to feed you some lines. And I think you gave rise to a lot of questions, you already know the answer to. In the end, it all boils down to what you actually want to do with your life. If it's ok to have mediocre erection quality and not feeling to good about yourself, well, why bother with abstaining from PMO? I don't even mean it provocatively. Thing is, getting this shit under control is a tad bit harder than passing Deutsch/Englisch LK back in the day ;). The drunk good-for-nothing doesn't leave on his own, you've said it best. People on this board don't register here for shits and giggles or by accident and members on here don't mature out of using porn (anymore). We've come too far. Your only partly functioning dick is the evidence of it, isn't it? But maybe now is not the time and perhaps you have some bigger fish to fry at the moment. It's quite possible that the pub you are bartending in is so run down that the annoying Besoffski doesn't really bug anyone anymore, so why bother? It might well be that he is also already part of the place and in a weird way people came to like him. You know, he reeks of bad smell but also tells a crude joke that makes the whole tavern laugh if you buy him a beer. But maybe, the pub could be so much more and then you would have to get rid of him and then many other things had to be changed in the process also. So much work...

    To conclude my speculative post, I think it would be crucial for you to make a decision regarding this issue and then make a specific plan how to achieve whatever you decide to do. That is very evident. Maybe talk it through with someone who is close to you (didn't you tell your mother about your porn problem a few months ago?!). Perhaps even take a break from it all for a month and then start afresh? Consequences schmonsequences, decisions, decisions.

    All the best!
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  11. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Glad I'm not the only one. Everybody is just slightly less handsome than me. ;)
  12. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Since you're willing to use phrases like "lazy as fuck", I'm going to call your post "complete arse".
  13. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    I've been lurking on this thread for a while, but I have to admit that I agreed 110% with what @Pete McVries wrote, and in all truth, he described me perfectly in my 20s. Now, maybe he was wrong with his crystal ball interpretation in this case, and I don't know what the hell that German meant, but sometimes people need to be told things they may not want to hear. How many people regularly flounder at 0-2 days on their counters, yet won't change their strategy. They don't want to get better. They just want the appearance of getting better. His response was a real-world answer to a rambling entry akin to one of those vague Facebook posts that the poster wants everyone to question and interpret as being far deeper than it is. Good work, @Pete McVries Keep layin' down the truth, or however you interpret it.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Well drifter ain't part of my handle for no reason and you're ot far of with a lot of that speculation. Never did Deutsch LK, though. While I have had a lot of advantages over other people speaking academically, I always had problems with motivation. And other stuff, which isn't worth mentioning in this context.

    I do love your extension of the bartender, well, is it a metaphor? That thing.
    Yep, thats the picture I'm getting, too. Porns a nice way to project all the issues you have on and go like "hurgh blurgh I'm an addict". Which, well, I am, but maybe this issue isn't the first in line for fixing. It's a bit like trying to clean the microwave oven when the house is on fire.

    Then you must be one handsome lad. :3

    Mh, if that was the case, how did you get out of it? It's not like I don't get the issue or don't see the issue, getting out of it, though. Hah.

    Nice shade, I do appreciate. Unfortunately, rambling is my number one tool for getting to understand shit. Personal taste I guess.

    I don't mind the language, but I would like to know which post you meant and in what capacity it is of arselike quality. :D
    Pete McVries likes this.
  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Mh, decision has been made. For change, for change of strategy also. I will tackle this in a different manner, not focussing on porn or addiction any longer, nor treat it as a hobby like part time project.

    Let's take that baseball bat, hit the dude on the threshold over the head and drag him thru the door. Also, tell the drunk to fuck off, I'm closing the bar.
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I don't think that's the case here. DRDV always strikes me as someone who "writes as he thinks". As if the thoughts would flow directly to his pen and from there directly to the paper, Harry Potter style. Without any intention to impress someone or to appear as a deep thinker. And I really like that. Writing down the own thoughts as they come, even with some rambling, can be really self-healing.

    @dark red drifter vessel
    Take that baseball bat and swing it. Swing it and don't look back. Wish you the best.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  17. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Long story short, eventually, in my mid-30s, I made the decision to pull myself off my bipolar meds. My alcohol and porn use exploded. Eventually, I made my way into chat rooms (not the paid kind) and started convincing women to take off their clothes. One of them turned out to be a teenager and the cops came a knockin'. When out on bail, I went to rehab for sex/porn addiction and alcoholism and did a shitload of therapy with a professional, cause this dicking around with willpower thing got me nowhere. While on bail, and then after my six month jail sentence, I did three years of probation. During that time, the cops had the right to test my urine and blood for alcohol and check my computer and phone for any kind of pornography. So in the end, it was professional help and the fear of the law that kept me straight. With understanding how I became the way I did through the therapy, building new habits and new routines and just muscle memory, I was able to get both addictions out of my life and haven't relapsed since I stopped both April 1, 2014.

    Oh, no shade on that comment. I've got a website where all I do is ramble. I totally get it. It was more drawing a comparison for "deep thinking" Facebook douches.

    It's called stream of consciousness, at least I think that's what it's called if I remember school correctly, it's been a long time, well not that long compared to my parents or my now dead grandparents, who I greatly miss even though they always seemed to have trouble relating to children and when I think about it, I can trace a lot of my parents' issues, which carried down to me back to them which really raises the question of whether those are environmental or genetic traits because if they're genetic there's really no call for getting angry at them for simply being another link the chain as I'll sadly be for my children and they will be for their children, although we can hope that science catches up with....wait, what was my point?
    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Last round is on me, keep the change!

    Wishing you well! :)
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2019
    Joshua Shea likes this.
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Huh. Been a while. Done some things, other things, not done.

    Found a job, just recently, amidst this general crisis, no less, after looking for months. Filled the time with stupid stuff and woodcutting, for some reason. Fun job, always outdoors, done in winter, first beer to be expected around 9 am. I know, I know.

    Watched a lot of porn and played a lot of videogames. Found a mental health centre for porn and video game addiction. Went twice, then boom! Corinna came round, put her big black boots on the table and said "fuck dis" to a whole lotta things.

    New job is video game tester, I guess there is some appreciable irony to that, me, I don't care, I needed a job, so very badly. Cool colleagues, weird job, more bugs than starship troopers. Contract salted with hefty NDA and fines, so don't bother asking, kindly.

    With job, I am weirdly, suddenly way more functional. Doing shit like cooking lunch for the next day, picking my clothes for the next day, doing yoga in the morning, albeit it microdosed.

    With little to no time left, creativity is back. Writing EN fluff text of the EN boardgame of a German buddy of mine. NDA'd too, but lemme tell you, it's fun. Mostly write on the train home, or the one to the corporate acid mine in the morning.

    Have understood clearly the mechanics of: critically low skill of self care leads to avoidant behaviour, primarily expressed via consuming le porn, los games de video, und of course binge watching youtube. Boring, next point.

    Have a boyfriend, had him for about half a year now. Cool dude, super chill, very uncomplicated, easy to communicate with, not overly ambitious but getting along fine, questionable humor forming a nice venn diagram with mine. Asexual we ain't, but thats not what we're about that much. I know people are prone to this exact statement, but, here goes nothing: Feels like the first real relationship in my life. Cool. Next point.

    Perspective: Slowly trying to learn self care and planning ahead. Survive Corinna and her damn big boots, my arse unkicked, hopefully. Reattending the self help group once they meet again. Bla. Plans are ashes in an uncaring wind, mine even doubly so.

    Edit: Read stuff I wrote, cringed and loved hearing myself talk at the same time, realized I did not write a single word about my porn habit. It's not gone, but it's not that present. Been weeks, having full time and life stuff to do, and a boyfriend just suffocated porn. For the moment. I'm an addict alright and I don't believe in magic, so I know this thing is still in me, I am still that person. But position and terrain are good at the moment, will try to keep it that way, busy rebuilding my brain, my bank account, my life thing. Lil bro just went to rehab. Me and him, same tribe, same issues, different substances, different stages of handling addiction. Could have well been me doing the Amy Winehouse and him being stable right now, this I understand. Knowing stuff never got me far, as you all might well be aware. Just baby steps, inching away from the void that I happily jump into in order to avoid. Uh. Just spotted the likeness in the two terms, funny, that. Avoid a void. What gives, English? Y u like that? Anycrap, nuff said. Don't get beaten down guys in these times of big black boots. Cheers!
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2020
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Trying to use my spare time for meaningful and useful stuff. Not always a Venn diagram. Been struggling with idling after a hard week and the expectable consequences. Struggling is a strong verb for that. Let's say, I've been working at getting better with that. Results are a mixed bag. Trying to do some things different this coming week, doing an experiment starring yours truly as the guinea pig.

    Simple stuff. Smoking only a set amount of cigarettes per day. Do some bloody yoga before work. Not drinking during the week. Do some light exercise. Plan something small for every evening after work (still confused that there is no nice word to express that as aptly as with the DE term Feierabend.)

    Need more sanity points in the weeks to come. Need better habits. Also, don't need to overdo it with the stuff I change, else I do the crash and burn thing. No new concepts for anybody, I suppose, just the nth attempt at a life a bit saner.

    The boyfriend has begun exhibiting skills of spotting bullshit when I speak it. Sometimes he even shuts me down when I'm trying to say something worthwhile, which happens, occasionally. Even if it can be a bit disheartening trying to speak your mind and the other side just thinks its deflection attempt #2,574, he's a clever man, and I'm better off for it.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
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