...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Nice one! Yesterday I had a conversation about le porn habit with my mum. That was fun, since my fam is used to weird shit and the labyrinthine problems of plane old existence.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Huh. Life is good at the moment. Getting used to no mo pmo, getting to know the new girl, spring in town. Nice.
     
    TheScriabin and -Luke- like this.
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Struggling a bit with chaser after sex. Sex works masturbation doesn't really, weird turn around, I for one am welcoming it.

    Kind of start to need another project, after porns gone. Not sure what yet, but rather centered around doing something and not around not doing something. Have to build a new mindset for that, I guess. Like a dude who flies from mountain to mountain, and needs to construct a new pair of wings each time. Something along those lines.

    Edit: I'll likely keep postin here about other shit than our little porn problem. Need to build a slow bridge outta that habit. Also, trying to keep myself honest. On that note, I've been making nudes of moi, primarily to entertain certain interested parties, but its too close t porn, so I'll cut it. Addiction, the undying serpent, still has a few aces up its tattered sleeve, even when on the ground and receding. Time to play some whack a habit, I guess. Fun stuff. Keeps you sharp. I hope XD
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019
  4. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    I had a weird realization the other day and I hope it's somewhat related. If not, just disregard it.

    At the moment I'm dating a girl (or a woman rather) and she doesn't have any social media (neither do I) and even her WhatsApp profile is without a picture. So it's impossible for me to look her up or look at pictures of her during the days where we don't see each other. After last thursday where we got really intimate for the first time since we started dating, I really started missing her and wanted to look at her and stuff but I simply couldn't. And that keeps the tension and anticipation to see each other again really high and I cannot wait to meet her again. What I want to say is, I know sending dick pics is sort of the new norm but why not wait until we can get the real thing when seeing each other?

    Take care, keep stacking those days ;)
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ui, mister tracker in the signature tells me I'm without porn for 30 days now. Nice.

    Have had some issues with masturbation. Having sex kind of does that. Well, excuses, I kind of do it, not any outside circumstance/metaphor.

    I know, I know.

    Hadn't had much of a crush initially, but I'm starting to really like them. And that classic anxiety that the sex can never be as good as with le X have been, well, vaporized in that flamethrower of whats going on in my life right now.

    It's a bit of MORE FUNCTIONALITY of course, but also I feel a lot more open to people, well, only one person, cause I'm only dating one, right. I have nothing against the concept of polyamory or plain old sleeping around, but it just doesn't seem appealing on the technical side of things. Hah.

    Anycrap. I have zero interest in porn right now, haven't had any for weeks now. I fantasize and masturbate occasionally, which impacts my performance in a tangible way. Not that you need le super hard steel pipe to have fun, mind you. At least I don't, don't know about you guys.

    But since there's a person who actually wants to make out and cuddle, fantasizing bout that stuff has become a bit boring, too.

    Pete, re the pics: I think with me it is mostly an issue of connecting interpersonal sexual stuff with messengers and voice messages and pics. It's eerily close to porn in a way, and I have come to dislike that fucking without being in the same room kinda thing. I have made sure to not keep that habit up, and the new person isn't interested in that stuff anyways (not that I'd ask, some boxes of pandora can rot away unopened as far as I'm concerned.)

    Had quite a met god/cannot explain moment when I met an old friend of mine two days back. We spoke about the dark shit in life and about opening up. She knew me in a time when I was a depressive, ultraradiated wreck drifting through space with drive cores always close to critical meltdown.

    Shit, life was hard and I was a piece of work. I was a fucking piece of work. It's easy to forget the details, the magnitude of destruction visited upon our very lives and the toxicity and the denial we carry around until where finally able to let that cursed piece of armor fall to the ground and shatter.

    The term gratitude gets thrown around a lot, bit like everything and its mum used to be "epic" some years back. But: I feel fucking gratitude for all the people who accepted me as I was and all the people who didn't and told me to change my stuff around, because, brother was I ever a piece of work. I was that frail glass cannon thing, shooting at will, broken by the faintest wind. And then again not. Cause break I did not. Thought I did, but I was wrong.

    Well. Words only carry so far, so I'll say that "met god/cannot explain" is possibly the most honest way to put that feeling. So, there's that.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
    Mekkeren and TheScriabin like this.
  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the 30 days!
     
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Experiencing focus shift. Work, dating, other stuff. Masturbation comes and goes. Porn's gone. I can never go back, I know that, but it's just not an issue at the moment.

    Dating is a bit weird, haven't done that in a while. And the last person I dated was so out of it that these experiences don't really serve.

    I'm not sure about a lot of things. Job, that relationship, where to go. Thats the price for winning a fight, you lose that "known enemy, known quantity" kinda perk.

    Like pushing against a door for seemingly ever, then one day you break it, stumbling forward into a new room.

    Need to redo that navigation part, draw new maps, scout ahead, reposition.

    Everything is kind of new, kind of old. The dance eternal, this infinitely absurd existence just keeps on going. It don't give a fuck. Do I?

    Don't know. Caught up in the torrent. Not complaining about it, just a bit lost. Have to write more, think more, dig more. Just being adrift don't cut it. I know this and I always forget. Fighting porn wasn't the whole book, just a chapter.

    At times it's hard being free: I have no more pretext, nothing to hide behind or cling to. Well, I tend to find shit occasionally, but it was easier being weaker, feeling like that things plaything.

    Don't get me wrong, that is loss I have accepted. It's loss still.

    Now to not giving away that agency I grasped from porns maw. Now to not clutching defeat from the jaws of victory.

    How? Fuck me if I know. At least I'm aware I need to figure that one out, or good old friends will knock on my door sooner or later. Right? Right.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.

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