...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I had a weird realization the other day and I hope it's somewhat related. If not, just disregard it.

    At the moment I'm dating a girl (or a woman rather) and she doesn't have any social media (neither do I) and even her WhatsApp profile is without a picture. So it's impossible for me to look her up or look at pictures of her during the days where we don't see each other. After last thursday where we got really intimate for the first time since we started dating, I really started missing her and wanted to look at her and stuff but I simply couldn't. And that keeps the tension and anticipation to see each other again really high and I cannot wait to meet her again. What I want to say is, I know sending dick pics is sort of the new norm but why not wait until we can get the real thing when seeing each other?

    Take care, keep stacking those days ;)
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ui, mister tracker in the signature tells me I'm without porn for 30 days now. Nice.

    Have had some issues with masturbation. Having sex kind of does that. Well, excuses, I kind of do it, not any outside circumstance/metaphor.

    I know, I know.

    Hadn't had much of a crush initially, but I'm starting to really like them. And that classic anxiety that the sex can never be as good as with le X have been, well, vaporized in that flamethrower of whats going on in my life right now.

    It's a bit of MORE FUNCTIONALITY of course, but also I feel a lot more open to people, well, only one person, cause I'm only dating one, right. I have nothing against the concept of polyamory or plain old sleeping around, but it just doesn't seem appealing on the technical side of things. Hah.

    Anycrap. I have zero interest in porn right now, haven't had any for weeks now. I fantasize and masturbate occasionally, which impacts my performance in a tangible way. Not that you need le super hard steel pipe to have fun, mind you. At least I don't, don't know about you guys.

    But since there's a person who actually wants to make out and cuddle, fantasizing bout that stuff has become a bit boring, too.

    Pete, re the pics: I think with me it is mostly an issue of connecting interpersonal sexual stuff with messengers and voice messages and pics. It's eerily close to porn in a way, and I have come to dislike that fucking without being in the same room kinda thing. I have made sure to not keep that habit up, and the new person isn't interested in that stuff anyways (not that I'd ask, some boxes of pandora can rot away unopened as far as I'm concerned.)

    Had quite a met god/cannot explain moment when I met an old friend of mine two days back. We spoke about the dark shit in life and about opening up. She knew me in a time when I was a depressive, ultraradiated wreck drifting through space with drive cores always close to critical meltdown.

    Shit, life was hard and I was a piece of work. I was a fucking piece of work. It's easy to forget the details, the magnitude of destruction visited upon our very lives and the toxicity and the denial we carry around until where finally able to let that cursed piece of armor fall to the ground and shatter.

    The term gratitude gets thrown around a lot, bit like everything and its mum used to be "epic" some years back. But: I feel fucking gratitude for all the people who accepted me as I was and all the people who didn't and told me to change my stuff around, because, brother was I ever a piece of work. I was that frail glass cannon thing, shooting at will, broken by the faintest wind. And then again not. Cause break I did not. Thought I did, but I was wrong.

    Well. Words only carry so far, so I'll say that "met god/cannot explain" is possibly the most honest way to put that feeling. So, there's that.
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
    Mekkeren and TheScriabin like this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the 30 days!
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Experiencing focus shift. Work, dating, other stuff. Masturbation comes and goes. Porn's gone. I can never go back, I know that, but it's just not an issue at the moment.

    Dating is a bit weird, haven't done that in a while. And the last person I dated was so out of it that these experiences don't really serve.

    I'm not sure about a lot of things. Job, that relationship, where to go. Thats the price for winning a fight, you lose that "known enemy, known quantity" kinda perk.

    Like pushing against a door for seemingly ever, then one day you break it, stumbling forward into a new room.

    Need to redo that navigation part, draw new maps, scout ahead, reposition.

    Everything is kind of new, kind of old. The dance eternal, this infinitely absurd existence just keeps on going. It don't give a fuck. Do I?

    Don't know. Caught up in the torrent. Not complaining about it, just a bit lost. Have to write more, think more, dig more. Just being adrift don't cut it. I know this and I always forget. Fighting porn wasn't the whole book, just a chapter.

    At times it's hard being free: I have no more pretext, nothing to hide behind or cling to. Well, I tend to find shit occasionally, but it was easier being weaker, feeling like that things plaything.

    Don't get me wrong, that is loss I have accepted. It's loss still.

    Now to not giving away that agency I grasped from porns maw. Now to not clutching defeat from the jaws of victory.

    How? Fuck me if I know. At least I'm aware I need to figure that one out, or good old friends will knock on my door sooner or later. Right? Right.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh. Been a while. Stuff moves, shit happens, sun goes up, then down. You know the drill.

    Had some relapse, smoked some weed, quit smoking, slept with someone I've had the hots for for ages, found out the fire's out.
    Got a haircut, got some new shoes, did some sport stuff. Movement forward, still living in the same spot, slightly altered.

    Regarding the relapse, it's so weird. My attention has shifted away from thatissue, so I just let it slip by. Got a lot going for me in other departments. Making excuses being one of them. :D

    Kind of nice still, to slip up in that regard and it not being the end of your day, the death of your week.

    Still dating, super confused. We got into some fights. I meet other people I fancy. When we fuck, it's hilariously out there.
    It's not like: this is 10% better fornication than that other humanthing. It's just something else. Still not sure about the thing. To be expected,
    I might be regenerative in nature, but still, as of now, damaged goods.

    Life has a bit of the characteristics of an IKEA instruction. In my brain everything is laid out, easy, reasonable.
    From the day to day I somehow still don't know how you just survive as a human. Like, tie your shoelaces, pay taxes, don't get hit by a car, have a fulfilled social life. Sure. Theoretically I now how. I know why. (Which might be more important, right.) On the tangible, muscular level, shit does be different.

    Picture this: If my troubles are a choir, then porn has stepped forth from that choir to have a solo for the past fourhundred rotations of myself around myself. And it still is part of that choir, but now it has stepped back in line to chant with its brothers and sisters in the addiction section of these singers of my personal saga of mimimi. (Which is life, I don't hold that against me, we resolved that issue a few seasons back.) Whenever I touch oine of these singers, the others move as well. I Stop smoking cigarettes, suddenly I reach for that spliff, and watch some porn again, for no reason/for every reason: Reaction, counterreaction. Addiction is like a mini boss squad, whenever I get some licks in against some of them, another steps forward, covering for its team mates.

    I'm not complaining. This is life, mine, specifically, and we all have our patterns, our things. This is just mine, yours too, probably, I guess.

    Right? Right. To say we go two steps foward, three back sometimes might be true, but also: reductive. Cause we ain't just going back and forth, we move in a three dimensional space, and it's the weirdest dance. Hah. I had a really fucked up dream. At some point I was the severed head of a comic figure, jumping like a pogo stick, conversing with an insane doctor about when goats used to be a seperate species. Happens a lot to me when I'm quitting something. This time it's smoking. Must be my what, 20th or 30 th attempt at that?

    Sometimes I manage for days. Sometimes for months. Longest period was four years.

    With smoking, I have long accepted that quitting is like a skill I hone. Each time iot gets a bit easier, a bit clearer. Withdrawal on the first try sent me flying with murderous rage, lasting me a couple a days. No hyperbole. I wanted to tear shit apart. Last try (the one I'm on) I was just dizzy and there were waves of sadness, anger, lonelyness that came to me in waves. Like feelings from a can, you know they ain't real, you just feel them still.

    What do I know. I just come here and write, occasionally.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    perspective. Need to get some. From the day to day, from scene to scene, this situation of limited ability to navigate life seems like all there is. Sit down, think. This isn't everysthing there is to it. On that abstract/experience level I know there are other times. the visuals I'm getting atm don't really support that, but hey, I'm super biased, I should know. Blah.

    Sometimes my mind is moving like half frozen honey, that is, hardly at all, and it's all a bit opaque.

    worth it reminding myself this is a fog I'm in and not just how life is.

    only thing I'm able to do when I've spun out of control, when I find myself rotating in that harmless, teflon limbo of being out of it.
    been binging netflix yesterday. bojack horseman is getting kind of good in the third season, but also sometimes way too real at the same time.

    my main isue is I can't really not fuck up at the moment when I have free time. which is just a roundabout way to say I am shit at handling my impulses, and that ain't nothing new to anybody here, right. ah. yeah. sure. expect to invent the wheel again on a day of dizzy waiting for the girl.

    Hah. There. There is a clear thought: I feel I might not have anything to say, so say nothing. I don't know how to do it, so I run the null operation protocols on repeat, hoping I'll be able to tackle all of that super easy, manageble shit I have such a hard time with tomorrow. Somehow. And then tomorrow gets that weird moment of acceleration and starts slipping into the future, forever.

    sorry guys, had some reverting to mother tongue. happens, really rarely, but happens. if curious, try deepl. as a tranlsator I hate that shit with a passion but I cannot be arsed today. Lo siento.

    Bla. Preisfrage: Im Vergleich zu früheren Situationen, was hat sich verändert? Es gibt immer etwas, dass sich ändert, und der Trick, sich einen gewissen Grad an geistiger Gesundheit zu erhalten (oder aber zusammenzukratzen) ist den Blick immer wieder auf das Bild zu richten, nicht zu akzeptieren, dass es sich anfühlt, als wäre es die exakt selbe Situation und herauszufinden, was anders ist. Wie ein Spot the difference Bild mit einem einzigen Unterschied und 12.000 DPI. Üben ist schön, und diese Übung ist wie ein alter Freund, der über die Jahre etwas an jugendlicher Frische eingebüßt hat. Aber wie mit vielen alten Freunden liegt die tatsächliche Nähe in subtilen Momenten und der Abwesehenheit von Überraschungen. Erfahrungen in der Tiefe, nicht in der Qualität oder der schieren Masse. Üben ist schön. Oder so.

    Ich meine, ich weiss schon, was anders ist. Ich habe ne (immernoch etwas unettikettierte) Beziehung, mein Job ist gerade okay und ich komme mehr oder minder damit zurecht, nicht zu Rauchen. Und die Stimme im Kopf (beziheungsweise eine von denen, es ist am Ende doch ein Scheisschor) sagt: Sicher, Dicker, aber dafür rutscht Du fröhlich in den Youtube/Netflix-Konsum ab. Und behält recht.

    To a degree, what has changed is that I no longer need to sort myself clearly in that win/loss, clean/comsumer dichotomy. That affords me less moral friction in the regret department. these self punishing mechanics are getting corroded by the acid of use it /lose it. Don't know if that is worth it. cannot assess worth/damage reliably at the moment.

    There is some level of panic somewhere deep in my brain, but it gets blanketed by that white noise that I live in at the moment. And panic isn't a very useful thing anyways, not in this.

    Okay, dude. Let it go. You're not getting any wiser typing today. Was a nice try and at least you were able to traion your brain a tiny bit. Now hit post button and accept that this is more or less just a useless ramble.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I'm back, for all the wrong reasons. :3

    My situation is okay at the moment, but I'm still an addict. Will read my own journal from start to finish and try to remember what I should have learned by now.
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Good luck. I have been wondering where you were.

    All the best!
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Thanks man. Ya, I've been wondering where I've been, too.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Takes some humor and humility to pick it all back up and go again. And some conviction, I guess.
    Been two years since I started this journal. I understand that I had to learn the hard way, but it still
    kind of smarts in the pride department.

    Learned a lot, though. And so much more to come. Well. Here we go.
    Bezoechow likes this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    When I had temporarily come back to YBR, in September 2017, and started my second and current journal on here (a journal that I truly started writing in more only in January of the current year) you told me "Welcome and good luck on your journey". And I still remember it.

    Well I say the same to you right now. Welcome back, and good luck on your journey man.

    you can do this
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2019
    Pete McVries and -Luke- like this.
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Thank you.

    My issues at the moment are not som much porn, but addiction in general. I waste a lot of my time with binge
    watching stuff on youtube. I can't seem to stop masturbating, and my ED is back with a vengeance. Also smoking a lot.

    While its good that I'm not on porn so much these days, I understand that it makes no difference really.
    I'm still in that nasty thicket of addiction patterns. My brains quite a bit hazy. Emotionally I am not in a bad place,
    but consuming whatever sends the little dopamin-things in my brain on their tingeling trip always clouds emotions.

    Been seeing an ex of mine for coffee and fornication. Sex is okay, even with ED, but this gives me motivation to fight my masturbation
    habit and better care for my body. I wish I'd be able to strive for a nobler goal than to have better sex with the ex, but I will take anything I can get.
    Gives a fella a reason.

    Also started doing Kegels. Anybody any experience with that they'd like to share?

    I have a table top rpg I'm going to host coming up. Since I always make up my own shit and don't use much prebuild scenarios I'll have an creative outlet soon. Its also nice doing something for other people.

    Been quite dry creativity wise, and I miss it. I miss myself doing it.

    These two things, doing the rpg thing and fighting the ED, are my two angles of attack at the moment. Both of them are constructive. I have been trying to fight something so often in the past. I think its better to try to build something than to try to tear something done at the moment.

    Also started a journal of all masturbation and sex activities in order to better understand my triggers and development.
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2019
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I have never been doing kegels because I feared of doing them wrong. Some people even report that they can be diametral to recovery because if you watch porn and masturbate a lot (whatever that means), your pelvic floor tends to tense up even more. Is premature ejaculation a problem for you? That could be a symptom of it. PE and PIED go hand in hand sometimes as weird as it sounds... From what I've read reverse kegels are the thing to do in that case. But I'm no expert. I recovered from having PIED with abstaining from PMO just fine. If you can, perhaps it would be a good idea to consult an expert?
    occams_razor likes this.
  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh, might have to do some reading on that topic. :3 Always fun trying to pick the reasonable from the BS with no background in medicine.
    Also yes on the PE thing; I got the worst of both worlds kinda deal.

    Was busy meeting people and doing stuff yesterday and didn't spend half a thought on anything PMO related. Did run into a group of tourist in the tube on my way home who decided to adopt me for a bar excursion. Had a lot of fun learning different pronounciations of slantje and getting drunk. There was one kind of cute kind of interested London girl I could barely understand (for all my skill with english, sometimes native speakers are the worst to talk to) and one very kind, very touchy, very drunk Scottish guy (understanding Scottish variety English isn't an issue, for some reason). With the prospects of sleeping at a hostel in my hometown (nah) and me being out of order in the dick department I just put that experience in the "Nice meeting people and getting some kind of attention" department.

    Being very hungover I've been unable to fully keep away from PMO. Have a hard time keeping up that short journal. Its fun how my brain tends to go throw the towel once I diverge from my planned path. Good exercise trying to work at that whole binge/purge cycle.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    shit, loosing ground here. that sex thing with the ex is biting me a bit in te ass here, but I'd be in a rough spot regarding abstaining without it, too.

    anycrap. feeling some depressive fall out from pmo. quite good with dealing with depression, though. but I need to get a foot back into the door.
    at least I'm not keeping this shite to just myself like I usually do. there's that, grab it, hold onto it, weaponize it and go back into the fray.

    zurück in die bresche, menschenkind, es ist noch lange nicht zeit für den abspann. die lachenden götter haben popcorn nachbestellt und wollen was zu sehen kriegen.
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    met a friend, told a friend how I am, really, at the moment. thought a bit about the narratives we tell ourselves, how I am perfectly able to tell war stories about and to myself and how hard it is to me still to understand PMO as an enemy, as an obstacle, as my possible doom. Doom not as in death, but doom as in staying mediocre when by all omens and quirks and by all the shity things life threw at me I get to be a citizen of weird for ever.

    a phrase that still kicks me in the emotional balls to this day from the altered carbon novels is the title of the book quelchrist falconer (a character from the novels) wrote: things I should have learned by now.

    so many things. and I really should've learned them by now.

    weird thing is, though: once I'm lost, I'm found. As I said, I'm good with handling depression, its a fight I know, its a fight I've won, or else I wouldn't be here. Once I get to that place, its my kind of rescue line, I remember how to do it, how to stand my ground, how to spit in the shadows eye and run screaming into the night, teeth bared (bonus points if you get the quote :3)

    But this addiction comes creeping in dressed nicely so often. I can spot depressive thoughts, I can destroy them. Known enemy, but with this, even after two years, its still so confusing.

    ach, I'm just muttering to myself at this point. note to self: you still have to learn this foes shapes and forms. ye ain't done. you will be, though, never doubt it.
    Bezoechow and Pete McVries like this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    geez. yesterday was bad, completely stuck in youtube/PMO land. I can feel it in my brain still. Took a cold shower and have sat down to prepare that rpg thing. stay away from trouble. behave.
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    huh. In the game tarralans dreamland which we used to play in kindergarden there were several monsters you could defeat with different items. and then there was the vodoo vampire. nothing helped against it. insta gib in your face.

    I feel I am at that point. Can't do a thing. Except for when I'm not alone. I just can't be left alone atm. Need to get out of that private hell. see people.
  20. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    That's clever! I recognise this very well. Once you touch ground you can use it to take off again.

    I see you're in a funk right now. Hope it'll pass soon. Sometimes it's just the voodoo vampire and there's nothing to do about it but wait for another chance.

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