...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Interesting. It's like you're re-framing the P to take away it's edge. I may try this next time an urge hits me. In any case, PMO or not, I like you're writing style on here.

    And 2 weeks is great stuff !
     
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Thanks! Not sure how that approach works on a live target urge, I do it more in regards to those scenes that among an ocean of forgettable stuff still stick out. Please tell me how it goes.

    Note: The following might be tmi and/or triggering, I don't know. Be warned in an unspecified yet stern manner. (I feel I still need to not only avoid porn use, but attack it as a concept, slow it down, weaken it, scratch away at that prison wall with my rusty spoon)

    Met my ex, after a while of back and forth text message bitching. We had a walk, ate some roasted chicken, then some icecream, then we had some coffee at my place, and then we fucked.

    Both she and me are bisexual, and what we tend to get down to would only be called foreplay if going by the standards of only penis in vagina qualifying as real sex. Doesn't feel that way, in general, but hey. The trick is to understand that while the two of us might look like a straight couple when walking down the street, eating icecream, we truly aren't. (Neither straight nor a couple, these days are dead and gone and also dead.)

    Makes me think about, well, what sex is to me and the stark difference to what sex is in the porn I've watched. I did watch a lot of gay porn as well, but to all readers unfamiliar with that, ehm, genre, I'll tell you that the gold standard over there is "penis being put places where sun ain't supposed to shine" as well and leave it as that. Gay porn is just as removed from what me and her have been up to as straight porn. It uses the same template of one person being dominant and the other being dominated.

    Now, if thats your kind of thing, by all the gods or lack thereof, go ahead. I don't kink shame, I don't care. Seriously, why would I?

    (And bi porn is really just putting straight and gay porn into the same scene, at least for most stuff.)

    But I have to say, it just fucking weirds me out how I've come to be so addicted to a thing that is so removed from what I care about. I know, its not like this is anything specific to me, I'd bet my right hand most people on here wouldn't seriously try to reenact the stuff we've all seen.

    But I'm a rather weird person, and porn is so, ah, formulaic and reductive. Most of it. No wonder I feel unlike me, having watched so much of that cut and dry stuff. Maybe thats good, maybe none of us would ever get out of this if there was a way to make porn out of what we truly want.

    So. While we where at it, I had trouble getting to the point from the stuff she did, if you catch my drift. Two weeks of no porn didn't put a dent in that. While we found a rather nice workaround for the time being, I have to admit that this delayed ejaculation thing might not go away from just a soft reboot.

    And that thing in the back of my head, this knowing that I'll have to go hard mode only grows stronger.

    I know I'll have to face the music soon and get to the real challenge. I know.

    I'll have to storm that castle, and soon. Cannot go on like this. Won't. Fuck this.

    :3
     
  3. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    I can very much relate to this. I've developed a fetish after years of watching P and it's a rather harmless fetish but I'm still not comfortable talking about it. Not even online. Back in my porn days, I always dreamed of implementing it into my non existing sex life. But now it just seems so weird and alien to me. Perhaps, I'll try it once but I won't ritualize it like I used to dream of it. It's so weird. I really feel like my tastes are reverting back to a more vanilla state of mind. But I also have to state, that if I was to relapse, I would straight go back to that go-to-fetish. There is no going back for me. Watching P for me means watching my fetish. It's totally fucked up. It'll get better, you'll see!

    And, you know my stance on hard mode. It's really good (some might even say it's the only way to go), you should try it, what's the harm? ;)
     
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I've been dreading this, but here we go.

    What I should have learned by now:

    With every bar, every reception desk you sit or stand behind, every GM screen I smiled viciously at players over, with any interpretation job (few and far between) any role in a play it is always like this: Once you take that responsibility, you can not just put it to the side. You cannot just leave on your own accord, you accepted a role, you have to carry through. Once you're in that position, you have to fill it to the best of your abilities.

    I know this. And I know that the same goes for the responsibility for my own life. And still I don't want to fully take it. I'm biding my time. I'm stalling.

    Thing is, tho, once you step behind a bar, a front desk, sit behind a GM screen, take up a role and go on stage, you become that, too. And be it for five minutes. At least if you do it right. And that supports you, gives you power. I feel it must be the same for the responsibility for your own life. I think.

    So, it's time. Spring is here. No time like the present. Turn ship, all hands to battle stations.
     
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  5. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Totally get what you mean by "biding your time". I constantly have this mentality even though I'm 34 years old and creeping on middle age. I catch myself looking up the ages of porn stars I like and realize that some of them are 19 or 20 years old. Soon I'll be nearly double this age and it creeps me out. But like you said, the responsibility I should be taking by the reins gets pushed aside, stalled and left for the next day, and the day after that. There's a part of me that wants to commit fully into this beast and drag it through the mud, but also another part that thinks "I can do this tomorrow, after the next binge, THAT will be the one where I stop." The stalling has been on going, and I don't know when I'll pick my feet up for good next time. Let's get it man.
     
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yes. Lets get to it. It'll be a good fight, what more to ask for?
     
  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    It's interesting that you mention this idea. In a book I read this method is referred to as "shifting". One example the author gives is to think about your reaction when you see an erotic image (for most people (certainly me) this results in lustful thoughts). Then think about meeting someone in real life in such a state (limited clothes/no clothes). Hopefully most people would try to help such a person (they are cold, they could be in danger from others, etc.).

    I've been trying to do a version of this myself. There is one "pro" scene that sometimes enters my thoughts as I have watched it numerous times. The woman featured in the scene is beautiful, young and this is one of her first scenes. This person continued to work in the "industry" and I remember trying to watch some of her later films. The change was pretty shocking - she was much thinner (too thin), got breast implants and had a hardened look to her. Any genuine enthusiasm for what she was doing seemed to be gone replaced by a forced facade.

    Recently when any thoughts of her first scene I mentioned presents themselves I have found it helpful to imagine being able to travel back in time and speaking with her before she films the scene. Talking with her about reconsidering what she is doing. Maybe she could go back to school or pursue another passion that does not involve filmed prostitution. Perhaps in reality this person is really happy being a P Star but I can't imagine that a part of her doesn't wish that she made different choices.

    This explanation above was probably too long but it has been helpful for me to imagine helping porn women instead of fing them.
     
  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    That's very helpful. Just look at what some of these 'actresses' have become. They started as young women and in some cases became monsters. It's quite shocking to be honest.
     
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    True, these processes are monstrous, the ppl, Idk, are ppl.

    Truth be told, I'd have the exact same problem if all porn was organic, free roaming with good worker rights in place and no social stigma to all parties involved. Which it ain't, I feel.

    @TrueSelf Na its fine, I like long explanations. Sometimes you need to ramble and explore to find the good stuff.
    Most of the time.

    And porn has overwritten so much of our imagination. Any step reclaiming that, any more day where we're able to get closer to having our own expectations and dreams might just be another nail in that dead thing addictions coffin.

    And I wanna nail that thing shut, man.
    So ramble on!
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    In flight. All systems operational. Slowing down is not advised, keeping the fleet moving is currently the best strategy for denying the opposition to creep up on us. Have situations be fluid, always have an out. Understand this: Everything hinges on us being successful. We've put this city under siege. Fine. But now we need to storm it, lay waste to all and any fortifications and take it back. You are on the attack, and every hour you fight means the opposition gets weaker. We cannot allow ourselves to be pushed back. We cannot lose a single ship, we need to be flawless.

    You have that belief: We are flawed, we can only work from that. Yet you know only a perfect hit right in the centre of mass of that thing will free us. It is pointless to deny this: You need to be flawless. We can do anything that we really need to do. You need this to end. Ending this can only be achieved by landing a flawless, perfect critical hit. In the form of not falling to the urges power, ever again. Damn near perfection, love. But since that is what you need to do, since we can do anything we really need to do, you know in your bones, your blood, that this is actually within reach: Flawless victory.

    Meditations on hubris and grandiosity. Childe-thing, you know what you need is a shift in paradigm, bending the laws of your own personal universe into a new form. Over the lines. Past sanity, past the expected, wielding that dangerous magic. Rend meaning, tear down these worlds. Devour this, rip its heart out, transform.

    Make no mistake: This is what we dreamed about, down in the gutter, down in bits and pieces, when nothing, nothing but that grim unrelenting thing stood over our broken form. It came to us when we thought it was all over, singular, concentrated into a tiny, hard point of thought. It came to us when there was nothing left but the empty void of despair and the howling winds of sorrow. Took one simple, perfect step and said: No. This ends here. No, I am not going to die here.

    When we were at the end of it, defeated, we found ourselves, and we said: Fuck this, this ain't the end, this is the beginning instead.

    This is what we got out of that hellhole moment. A good fight, a real good fight and that burning wish to transcend all this trauma, slay all them dragons.

    When we became a thing of fighting, not by choice but by circumstance. When we learned how to synthesize what we hadn't but needed, when we started to open our eyes, looking at things, really truly looking at things.
    When we gave up looking for truth and started to tear everything within our own soul suffocating us to shreds. That primordial anger, wrath, our guiding star.

    Ya. These were times of hubris and grandiosity, and these were times of paradigm crushing. We turned that table, then smashed it on that thing depressions head.

    Remember the audacity of that time. Remember the insanity of it. And the glory, fighting back, no longer just destroyed, reforming, unrelenting, in shards yet unbroken. Feel it now, cause these, my dear humanthing, are these days again, days of strife and conflict.

    Feel this ships hull sing with the memory of times past and struggles to come. Feel your rage, unrelenting, unbroken burning in its drive cores. Know that among your weapons aren't only the tools of logic, balance and analysis, but also your burning rage and insanity, your willingness to go through it, dive into it, be it. To endure the unendurable, and unify opposing concepts. You are a child of insanity, as well. We need not be bound by reason and this frail pyramid of logic. We can do without it.

    So strive for the logically improbable, the insane: Flawless victory over your opponent. Because that will work. As you know. Being that weird thing that you are. Go back, once more and slay all the monsters, rip them to shreds. Fearless, full of hubris and pride. Remember how you did it back in the day.

    Logic has failed us. Humility has failed us. Whats left but to burn with unearthly fire and go beyond, go insane on this monstrosity of a habit?

    Bigger things have tried to break me. I have lived under your spell long enough now. These are the days I'll end you. Try to deny me. Try to shake me. Try to oppose me.

    In flight. All systems operational.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Found my mindset for burning this addiction to the ground. Nothing more, nothing less.
     
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  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hard to write about it. Cannot find words, really. That ain't a problem common to me.

    I feel power. I feel me.

    No, no words match.

    If you're wondering, I'm not manic or something. This is something else, this is quite something else.

    Burn. Burn it all. Be yourself. End of line. All systems operational.
     
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Huh, ended up in bed with someone I had seen once before. Humor as weird as mine, guess that was a factor. Some ED, but well, that didn't really come up as a problem. I'd have given the whole I'm a porn addict reconvalescending talk, but that just doesn't fit in when you just decide to jump on each other a propos of nothing.

    Spend all day loitering about the city with a good friend of mine. Now tired whilst being lazy af. Well. Its spring.
     
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    So, a week into hard mode, so to speak. Not so hard to do, because a) I've been flatlining a bit and b) my rage was still fresh.

    Also, both the new woman I met and the ex are kinda up for getting down, and having tangible stuff in the near future kind of helps with, um, perspective.

    Problem is, the rage is going a bit stale, and I'll have to rekindle, reforge it. And, nice thing with some thorns on it, a week of hard mode already has some rather hard results. Which is super nice, but with returning functionality the possibility of using is also back, too.

    But: it's super nice this is changing as fluently as it does. And what's been bound up in pmo and mo is starting to become a drive that is rather directed towards other ppl. So thats good.

    Also thinking about quitting smoking (for the thirtiest time or so), since it has to go anyways, is part of my addiction pattern and I feel the need to treat my body better.

    Have been not doing as much yoga as I'd like to, and since quitting le cigs also comes with a heavy price in irritation and mood swings, I might just get these through while I have the mo withdtawal as well. Two for one, and there's no real use in stallinge here.

    Added pettyness points for the one person I really really like trying to quit as well. Between us nothing'll happen bc reasons on her side plus her not being into me (bc that is almost always the core reason: they just ain't into you enough).

    So I could kinda one up her and do what she cannot and quit being a fucking walking ash tray. Not the nicest if motivators, I know, but I'll put what fuel I can get into my fires. Waste not, want not. I love her, but it's just not gonna happen. We've all heard that tale far too often, so I'll leave it at that.
     
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  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I've been thinking. Our addiction causes us shame. Shame has only one remedy, pride. And contrary to what we are used to hear about pride coming before the fall, I think pride is what we need to get to. If that makes sense.

    As long as shame put me down, I couldn't win. The moment I threw it overboard and claimed my pride, my rage, my willingness to fight this shit, things went a whole lot different than before. Shame had me on the floor, hoping maybe I'd get out of it. Pride took my victory for granted and I got so full of myself that I stopped humbly scratching at that cells wall and flat out kicked down its door.

    I cannot really artculate or reason how I got to where I'm at with this. I'm just trying to look at it and understand.

    Maybe: Being proud to be capable of fighting this addiction can extinguish the shame I feel for being addicted in the first place.

    Is that it? I don't really know. Might be wrong.

    All I know is that shame is an important component of what holds us in place, people. Go seek it and tear it apart. Understand it, then challenge and end it. Transform it.

    Circular logic ftw: 1. This addiction is a monstrosity 2. We must assume we can slay that monster, lest our lives are forfeit and that is an idea I'd never accept 3. They who slay monsters are powerful 4. We are powerful, either already now or in the near future

    If you have any insights on this, kindly share. I'm quite out of my dephts, rambling on a tangent.
     
  16. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    My way of beating the shame was confiding my PMO addiction to my brother and my three best friends. For me, it was just great. All of them reacted really well and interestingly had their own porn stories to share. One friend was even more addicted than I have ever been but he is a sex addict in general. Now, I wear my 'weakness' sort of as my shield and thus I feel not vulnerable anymore. Of course, I spared them some details (like my fetish for example) but in general, I have been very very open about the whole thing and yeah, no more shame. At all. They also know about my PIED and they are super excited now that I'm dating a girl at the moment, haha. It's quite heartwarming. :D

    Take care!
     
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Parts moving, neurochemical state weird, trajectory promising. Feel like an awkward shapeshifting cgi scene from a nineties werewolf movie. Considering quitting smoking, have decided to cut alcohol for at least a week. Umbaupause der Seele, man. All systems still operational, but feels like a weird update is ongoing that changes the ui around for no reason but irritating novelty.

    Good times, brothers. Fight hard!
     
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  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Nice one! Yesterday I had a conversation about le porn habit with my mum. That was fun, since my fam is used to weird shit and the labyrinthine problems of plane old existence.
     
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  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Huh. Life is good at the moment. Getting used to no mo pmo, getting to know the new girl, spring in town. Nice.
     
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  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Struggling a bit with chaser after sex. Sex works masturbation doesn't really, weird turn around, I for one am welcoming it.

    Kind of start to need another project, after porns gone. Not sure what yet, but rather centered around doing something and not around not doing something. Have to build a new mindset for that, I guess. Like a dude who flies from mountain to mountain, and needs to construct a new pair of wings each time. Something along those lines.

    Edit: I'll likely keep postin here about other shit than our little porn problem. Need to build a slow bridge outta that habit. Also, trying to keep myself honest. On that note, I've been making nudes of moi, primarily to entertain certain interested parties, but its too close t porn, so I'll cut it. Addiction, the undying serpent, still has a few aces up its tattered sleeve, even when on the ground and receding. Time to play some whack a habit, I guess. Fun stuff. Keeps you sharp. I hope XD
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019

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