Meet someone I had a huge crush on (well, we both crushed on each other, but there was a serious case of "already having a boyfriend being confused about shit" on her part.) Now we're friends, somehow made that happen. Liked her too much as a person to accept it all being torn apart by love (fuck you, joy division, fuck you very much. why did you have to put it so bluntly? :3 ) So after beers and pizza and a lot more cigarettes than two people who're still trying to quit smoking would care to admit, we talked about my little Porn addiction, too. Among everything else, I hate making a conversation just about one of my topics. Symmetry and all that jazz right? Turns out she'd have had this talk with a lot of dudes in her life, and she knew the problem and appreciated my struggling with that. Phew. It's so good to meet open ears and no longer be in that safe polite spot, where you talk about the weather while a fracking monster is at your throat, halfway done with tearing it out. Sorry, don't know where the gore just came from. Happens. Have you seen my chainsaw, by the way? It feels right to give up the privacy settings on my troubles. Helps with stepping out of that insane pretend zone of saying "I'm fine" while being torn to peices by the forces that are inside you. Give up that shred of control, set that truth free, materialize a bit more as a person. And in return, the addictions grip, its control over me, gets less and less. I see how I've been a bit of a control freak with sex, as I didn't trust it could work, didn't trust I could function (hello, PIED, fuck you too, and not in the nice way that joy division can fuck themselves, with you I mean it, you useless thing), so I always made it about them having a nice time, fearing to let go and be there as a real person. Gah, there is so much to repair, relearn and reconquer. Hailene and corenne, man. Anyhow, tangents being tangents, she ended up staying and we cuddled the whole night through, and that was awesome. No sexy stuff, just some good old close up humantime. So good, being able to connect with other people, so good not having it have to be about fucking, too.