...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Wohin auch immer Dein Weg Dich führen wird, ich bewundere Deine Fähigkeit mit Wörtern umgehen zu können. Du hast da wirklich ein riesiges Talent. Und Dein Charakter sprudelt aus jeder Silbe. Bleib am Ball, hör nicht auf neue Dinge auszuprobieren und dann wird Dein Weg auch irgendwann von Erfolg gekrönt sein. Ich bin 3 Jahre lang andauernd nur rückfällig geworden und auf ein mal hat es irgendwie 'Klick' gemacht und nun habe ich da eine große 66 in meiner Signatur. Es ist wirklich möglich, auch wenn es Dir zur Zeit viel zu weit weg erscheint. Gib nicht auf, fühl dich geherzt und dann ist irgendwann einmal der Morgen Dein, Du bist sorgenfrei, Faust hoch, forder' ein!
     
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hey, dankeschön! Ist immer witzig, das einem die Muttersprache doch immer näher geht als die anderen Sprachen.
    Da wo man wohnt, sozusagen. Ich mag das Lied.

    Managed to abstain yesterday, today not so much, no porn tho. Have been strapped for cash because I didn't invoice for a while.

    It's amazing what basic tasks I just put off, even if its detrimental, even if they are easy.

    Went to a bar yesterday with a friend of mine, for the reason of a fling of his coming to an abrupt end.
    Talked about lot of things, my issue with porn and not feeling like myself among them. I've been putting up a mask between the gravity of my issue and the people in my life (including me, as you know).

    Picking away at that wall of compacted earth with my spoon. Doesn't feel like enough. Keep picking. Feelings aren't that trustworthy at the moment.
     
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Pick pick pick. Felt my rage today. Frustrating situation, but good to get closer to having a genuine reaction, not just be polite.

    Thought: I've been avoiding crisis to a point of, well, crisis. Fun stuff.
     
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Meet someone I had a huge crush on (well, we both crushed on each other, but there was a serious case of "already having a boyfriend being confused about shit" on her part.) Now we're friends, somehow made that happen. Liked her too much as a person to accept it all being torn apart by love (fuck you, joy division, fuck you very much. why did you have to put it so bluntly? :3 )

    So after beers and pizza and a lot more cigarettes than two people who're still trying to quit smoking would care to admit, we talked about my little Porn addiction, too. Among everything else, I hate making a conversation just about one of my topics. Symmetry and all that jazz right?

    Turns out she'd have had this talk with a lot of dudes in her life, and she knew the problem and appreciated my struggling with that. Phew. It's so good to meet open ears and no longer be in that safe polite spot, where you talk about the weather while a fracking monster is at your throat, halfway done with tearing it out. Sorry, don't know where the gore just came from. Happens. Have you seen my chainsaw, by the way?

    It feels right to give up the privacy settings on my troubles. Helps with stepping out of that insane pretend zone of saying "I'm fine" while being torn to peices by the forces that are inside you. Give up that shred of control, set that truth free, materialize a bit more as a person. And in return, the addictions grip, its control over me, gets less and less.

    I see how I've been a bit of a control freak with sex, as I didn't trust it could work, didn't trust I could function (hello, PIED, fuck you too, and not in the nice way that joy division can fuck themselves, with you I mean it, you useless thing), so I always made it about them having a nice time, fearing to let go and be there as a real person. Gah, there is so much to repair, relearn and reconquer. Hailene and corenne, man.

    Anyhow, tangents being tangents, she ended up staying and we cuddled the whole night through, and that was awesome. No sexy stuff, just some good old close up humantime. So good, being able to connect with other people, so good not having it have to be about fucking, too.
     
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  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Fantastic! I'm so happy for you. Let me tell you from my own experience that it has been such a relief for me to open up to my little brother and two of my best friends about my pmo addiction. It lifted such a weight of my shoulders. Telling a girl you like must have been even more satisfying and she even reacted well. And you cuddled the whole night, man, that sounds totally awesome! Keep on going, man, it'll be worth it!
     
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yap. At this stage I need every win, everybit of upswing I can a hold of. I need progress like I need air, water and money. :3
    Thanks for he support, man!

    Regarding PMO: I have failed to completely abstain from that Triplet of Doom for more than a year now. Seems like a fight I cannot win at the moment, so I try to cut porn and fantasy and downgrade that problem to just MO, once daily. Urges are aparrently too overwhelming if I try to lead Le Clean Life all of a sudden, so this approach might not be as ambitious as completely abstaining. But constantly failing at a goal is too high a cost, so I'll aim a bit lower. The frustration just feeds into the binge/purge/relapse cycle way too hard. Over time it should help to remove hyperstimuli, and both porn and fantasy are that for me.

    (I have a VERY, VERY vivid imagination, which isn't doing me any favors here. And I was quite the pervy guy on my own long before porn came along, thank you, universe!But porn made that worse and amplified it to an absurd degree, and I think it'll be months till my brainthing doesn't incorporate pornlike elements in my personal imaginary stuff anymore. So I'll not be thinking of pink elephants in the room in the weeks to come.)

    So, picking fights I will actually win is the strategy for now. Attack pattern alpha has failed me, and I cannot afford to go redshirt here. Recalibrate that shit, reiterate.
     
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    You are the most creative wordsmith on this forum. Do you ever channel that creatively into songwriting, lyrics, poetry etc? Vivid imagination is the number one skill set requirement of artists!
     
    chrism and Pete McVries like this.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    thanks a bunch. I write occasionally. we produce theatre plays about once a year, the writing process is most often from semi scratch, we take the plot bones of some greek ancient tragedy or something and then build on top. writing for theatre is a bit weird tho, as you have the text go through the work process and it gets canged a lot. not everything looking good on paper works on stage and then there isthat weird ad lib magic and sometimes ppl flat out refusing lines for their character. I used to write short stories, which I'm planning to pick up again, since its a lot of fun (and no one can interfere like in theatre, which is always a team sport:3). Apart from that I run table top roleplaying games, which do have a potential for writing, but mostly I'm an improv kinda guy and its more like noting down shit you just made up on the fly than real planning with me. (Splittermond an Das schwarze Auge mainly, if any German nerds should read here and be interested. Think a teutonized version of DnD, stolen xerox style thirty years ago and having evolved in its very own, krauty egalitarian trajectory.)

    especially my own personal writing was a lot of unfinished beginnings, I really hope getting more focus and clarity will allow for me tackling longer projects, since it is a lot of fun. I write almost exclusively on my native tongue, which is German. Working as an EN to DE translator, but not really satisfied with that, since you mostly only iterate another often heavily corporate brand identity kind of voice into another language. creativity isn't really needed there. And being on the improvisation side of things I'm not sure I should do that for a longer time, since written translation requires an attention to detail that isn't impossible for me, but just not my real strong suit either. Kind of interested in interpreting, as I like thinking on my feet and its more my thing, but thats a harder field to get into than my lazy style at the moment really allows for. same "anothers voivce" issue here, too, which one of my wonderfully blunt exes once put as "dude, you're way to loud and opinioned to do that kind of job, that is bullshit." she's right, but damn that was blunt. (which I reckon Germans are kind of known for abroad, but she's even quite in your face for us lot as well. wonderful person, by the way.)

    one way or another, I'll keep doing something with (and lets be honest, to) language, I am nothing if not a creature of text, if you will. One of the things I want to find out in the coming months is what exactly.

    my new strat is working okay so far. I've settled for sieging up on porn and fantasy and slowly starve them out over the course of weeks instead of just blindly trying to storm the castle. I know there will be always remnants of porn within my brain, but at some later point I think I will try to reclaim that part of my capacity for fantasy, but that is in the future. now I need to stabilize my siege and have that patience to let those memories and pathways in my brainspace starve over time. patience is key anyways, I think at least a part of my losses is due to no longer getting these quick wins the early abstinence brings and thus losing that feeling of fast, tangible progress. But we're playing a longer, maybe infinite game here, and that requires a new and heavily improved mindset. working on it, and for some reason I get the best inspirations from esports, mainly sc2 here. (ya, if you haven't figured by now, I'm kind of a nerd or geek or whatever. heh.)
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2019 at 2:59 PM
    TheScriabin likes this.
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Ha, I played DSA as a young kid and was fascinated by it. Unfortunately, I lost my group during my teenage years. Nowadays, I only play paper Magic (and the one friend I'm playing with evolved into a monster and is now travelling to various GPs to compete :D). I'm more of a shooter guy myself and played CS:GO in a team for a few years but this team has dissolved a year ago and thus I stopped playing CS:GO completely and I don't even miss it. In conclusion, I stopped playing games completely but I would love to start a new Crusader Kings 2 (my favourite strategy/RPG game) multiplayer game with a few guys. At the end of the day, it's a bit like an ultra complex board game.
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    mhhh. quitting porn while maintaining MO isn't something I have done on purpose before.

    what I expect is that some symptoms will decrease while others stay stable. I also expect the general addiction dynamic won't dramatically just go away. I'm still hitting myself with a rush, a different one, less dependant on media and memory, but still. my masturbation addiction predates my porn habit, so it makes sense to attack the latter first. well, attack is a bullshit term. overwrite maybe.

    urges for porn are present but don't survive MO. fantasy is more elusive, but hey, no surprise there, it runs on my brain and can react, so its of course the livelier of the two things.

    I don't feel so out of it, not so icky like porn consumption makes you feel. It's fog around me still, different type maybe. all in all I'm glad I changed my strategy.
     
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I leave the house half past eleven, I'm out of tobacco. fifty metres from my doorstep, my shoelace on the left hand side unravels, I have cut my left thumb last weekend and still can't use it, and my left thumb is integral to how I learned binding my shoes. I try to redo it and scream as it pisses me off and I haven't smoked a single cigarette all day. I go to the third-next kiosk selling smoking wares, as the first two have pissed me off in the past and that third one is rather nice. I buy tobacco from the old turkish lady, commentning how there's new paint on the door. I ask whether they are redecorating, she says no, it would be the landlord, and the painter has done a shit job of it, not even covering up holes in the door frame and painting over stickers and the like. She says that back in the day you wouldn't see a penny for a paintjob so bad. She says that she as a woman could have done it better myself. I agree, I would've done better, too, but then I was raised in a house were we did have to do everything by ourselves, so I'm quite free to say that. I leave for the canal for a smoke trying to roll a cigarette on the way. I fail, miserably, again my left thumb is integral to how I do shit. I continue onwards, cross that bridge that all of them tourists and hipsters and us lot too have made into a constant party location, much to the dismay of everyone living around. I seek shelter rom the wind in the entrance area of a house and give cigarette rolling another go. A group of three middle aged cleaning women passes me by. I finally succeed in rolling, and go to the waterside, to sit on the stone wall next to the worn out spiral stairs. Suns shining but I'd rather look the other way as the light is dancing in a bright pattern on the waters surface and my brain is still not very fond of bright lights in blinkin patterns, a remnan of that season were my body had decided to give epilepsy a shot. Sitting and smoking there I feel like I felt fifteen years ago, when we would hang out here after school, smking pot and drinking beer. I feel like myself, feel that time and it hasn't left me, its still there. I'm still in contact with most of the people from back then, well the ones that mattered. And I'm still that dude, and there's not much difference between me at 19 and me at 34. The cigarette consumed by exothermic reaction and, well, me, I head home. My left shoelace is loose again, I just stuff it in once or twice, then I give up, I live close by and have run out of fucks to give about shoelaces apparently. I pass my old school on the way home, and again, I feel unchanged, fee that continuation of personality through all these years and that there is no need to worry, I am coming back to myself.
     
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  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    uh. maybe there is a reason I remember and feel this specific time in my life. it's the time I got stuck, or better, the time before. before I ever watched porn, before depression hit me like atidal wave, before my stepdad died and all that shit begun. maybe I remember it so clearly, because that not so little dark age of mine is in itsdying moments. the waves of depression have split, and now I can only pick up where I really left, left my heart, myself.

    fifteen years man, fifteen years. and now to come back.

    takes a while to sort through and accept. was für eine verfickte reise.
     
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