...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    MO'd today. Not super happy about it, but it wasn't horrible either. Has been two weeks since I last watched porn. The stuff I fantasize about has
    changed a bit, not necessarily in the last two weeks, but in general. Starting a new job next week, excited about that. Have been unemployed for
    ab it longer than was strictly necessary. Had two offers to choose from, took the shorter, less paid but skill-wise really interesting gig. Could've done
    the other job easily, but I want to develop my skillset and not be bored at work.

    Regarding getting away from porn and compulsive wanking, I'm kinda very positive working full time will help a lot. So much less time to worry about,
    and less unfocused energy and all that. Switching from zero to full time will be hefty, I think, but thats okay. Also, money has been short and the next month
    will be one heck of an austerity tango while working all the time, but thats my bed, I made it, I go lie in it.

    Strategically I have come to a better position by far, and the last few month were quite necessary for me to wrap my head around this whole
    topic of addiction and crutches and all of that. I'm happy I had good results without too much pain. EDs gone for a while, I feel closer to everything
    emotionally and experience less distraction and negativity in general. There's more of that where that came from still. But hey, count your blessings.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Chaser. MO. Weird change in perspective. Will have to analyze. Have a hunch I might have to look at my habit of fantasies. Think I need a boy or girlfriend. Have been alone for a sufficient amount of time. Learning capacity in regards to being solo is almost maxed out, at least for this chapter of my life. Time. Well.

    Happy easter, everyone!
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Damn. Went to ground. Afraid of financial situation. Eating through accepting I might have screwed myself in that regard. Constricting feeling. Not used to problems not entirely in my hands. Addiction, depression, easier to handle. Used to. This, not so much. Been expecting this. Getting my job/financial situation has been the last resort of completely unadressed problems. Will deal with it, emotional impact still substantial. General perspective unclear. Have to learn a lot about planning, managing finances, budgeting. Started learning psychological stuff, clear out the dark overgrowth of the heart. The metaphorical wallets empty though. Every build order has its drawbacks. Last big issue of mine. Feel a bit like a big game hunter facing down his last prey. Frightened, but the fear is under a modicum of control. Accepting that I brought this on myself. Did what I wanted, will pay the price. Accepting that this is the expression of a self destructive behaviour pattern I have mostly figured out, but not gotten rid off yet. Last week has been dense in terms of emotions. Biding my time till my job starts. Expect a more structured daily routine once it starts. Gotten better at observing my own behaviours. Weird.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Alrighty. I have started my new job, and coincidentally it's for 90 days.

    So I have decided to take the hint
    and make that period of time my
    90 days of reboot. Have been going
    in and out of being serious about
    this, now's the time.

    I think I'll come back here should I
    relapse or the 90 be completed.

    Have a nice time, guys! Fight hard!
    And see you on the other side, who
    ever reads this!

  5. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Remember you cannot expel yourself of your urges. Sexual urges are normal. You need to find the root cause of your inner wound that made you create this coping mechanism.

    Check out the book Breaking the Cycle by George N. Collins and do the exercises. It may be painful to discover your original wound but you need to. He's an ex-porn addict and a licensed psychologist who has healed many people.

    Once you have found the wound you can begin to heal.
    Bezoechow likes this.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh, things changed a lot, like they always do.

    I have been working full time and doing theatre in my spare time as well as a course to further my skills, namely interpreting.

    The resulting lack of spare time has cut into my sexual problems, shifted my focus away from them.

    I have been seeing an ex of mine and all of that abstaining stuff I tried before really gets easier if you get laid once in a while.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ya. There is something gone from my self perception. That addiction thing. It was something tangible, present a while ago.
    I do not mean I am no longer addicted (different thing) but my idea of myself has just ... snapped into a different layout.
    Not even so sure how I think of myself right now. Less time to do so. Less spinning thoughts. I stumble forward through my
    life and sometimes it just feels like a montage. Not bad, but I am used to way more time/energy to analyze my life. And I don't
    mean like overthinking shit.

    Ah, whatever. Guess it's a good thing I got another kind of perspective. Bugs me that I haven't had the time to figure out why,
    but that's a drawback I'm most likely going to survive. Perhaps.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    It feels a bit like drifting. Not one hard struggle. So many differrent things in life, all spinning towards some point of change, most of em slow.
    And this great hunger for change is sated, somehow. Not with something equal in size, more with a self-weaving, daily carpet of moving, not
    necessarily away from or towards some point. Course is stable in general. Life right now is okay. Things could have gone so much worse.
    Financial troubles resolved with help from the cavalry (not the cavalrys own money, mind you).

    Bless the cavalry, every once in a while it's so fucking nice if someone goes outside context problem on your troubles and you sit back and eat that popcorn (I'll agree on a sweet/salty mix if need be.)

    Getting better at looking out for moi. Food, time planning, figuring what shit I want and what I don't need.
    In a weird situation: Haven't been in a spot where money wasn't a pressing issue some way or another. For a long time.
    I can handle that stress better than many, but it still is surely nice that it has fucked off into vacation-land for the time being.

    Regarding porn, it's lost it's edge somehow. I occasionally watch some, but often end up rather thinking about people I actually
    care about or sleep with (note both are at the moment two seperate categories, but hey) and the video runs on in the background,
    disregarded. I've started to be a tad bit less interested in masturbation in general. No clear reason as to why, enough possible reasons,
    not the will to parse it out.

    Ah, it might be a bit late for that, but representation and all, I've become quite comfortable calling myself bi in the past year and a half.
    Most of my life that I had a rather fuzzy definition regarding all that stuff, but I think I've finally found my hill to die on.
    Came to no surprise of no one around me, and wasn't a big thing. More me getting easier with the, well, you might call it a duality and then
    all that fucked up erasure shite, really funny when you think about it. If you want an explanation for the whole thing in a nutshell:
    It's a bit like: You like fair hair in people, but you also like dark hair in them. And now replace hair color with sex. Tada. Bisexuality explained.

    Where's my prize? See how I put zero effort into that explanation? I know it's not a very snappy one, I know. I've developed a habit: Whenever
    I tell someone I don't know well a story about me dating a girl, I'll also tell one about me dating a dude in roughly the next two minutes.
    No other explanation given. Most times none needed. I've grown so tired of people being confused about me. Have gotten some pretty
    hilarious situation of ppl either telling me OMG you cannot be straight! or I WOULD NEVAR HAVE EXPECTED, you're so straight.
    The absolute best of the worst was one dude who literally had met me half an hour earlier trying to tell me I was gay (and that I also was into
    him, which I wasn't, him being a ultra self-involved duke of doucheness), he wouldn't take a no for an answer and was following me around
    on that party for a while. My then gf laughed her ass of when I told her the story.

    Anycrap, finally arriving there makes a difference, hard to say why. Kind of being at ease with many people perceiving you as a stranger
    in two worlds, having been one of them in the past.

    Okay, rambling now. And who cares about that?
    TheScriabin likes this.
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Stopped smoking about three days ago. MO'd last time last Sunday.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    no smoking or MO since last post. mood ain't going through the roof, but that's nicotine withdrawal for you.
    makes me wanna go home and cry, then sleep and cry some more. fun stuff. tolerable.
    sleeping has been shit since the weekend.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh. Sleeping improved. Been smoking spliffs, no cigarettes though. MO'd twice, do feel neutral about it.
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hello HardMode, accidentally. Are you here to stay? Can I invite you to be my travelling companion for a while? The road stretches on forever, and it does get lonely.

    Let's walk the earth and kick some ass. And chew bubblegum, y'know.

    Been doing this shit for a year, in and out, try sailing, shipwreck, try sailing, shipwreck. but no circle keeps turning forever, no wheel will keep turning unbroken forever.

    Is it already? I don't know. Onwards and all that shebang ...
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Huh. Going okay. Doing fine.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Damn. I mean, DAMN. Eleven days of not masturbating and I got morning wood like I haven't seen in a long time.
    Such a long time I don't even recall what it was supposed to be like. I feel fucking manly.

    When I wrote accidental hardmode, I was referring to the fact that I somehow hadn't bothered wanking for a week,
    not as a calculated abstention, but just because I wasn't interested.

    I thought it was just another chapter in that slow, turn based development of my relationship to porn and sex
    and all that jizz. But light burn me, this I didn't expect.

    Mr Hardmode, I have to apologize. I mistook you for a frivolous, fleeting traveling companion there for
    a moment. I hope I can work to rectify this grave misunderstanding in the time to come.

    In the meantime, kindly take a seat. You and I have some business to discuss, and I think it is not even
    a hyperbole when I say I am already convinced there's a shining future ahead of us.

    Blazing, burning, bloody bright.

    Last edited: Aug 23, 2018
    Thebeg and TheScriabin like this.
  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mh. Tried, failed, tried, failed, didn't bother for a while.

    Iteration after iteration. So it goes.

    Quit my job, preparing for an exam. Tried quitting smoking as well. Same pattern. Square one feels like home by now.
    Kind of figured with everything being like it is, my issues with planning and coordination are the biggest obstacles in my way.

    Like, I don't see myself getting better at many skills in life if I don't fix that. And I mean, hey, I got a lot of stuff going
    on in the skill department, don't get me wrong. No reason to be shy. Super good at being humble, for instance.

    I'm getting the impression the hypofrontality thing is what's keeping me back. And I mean, it makes a lot of sense:
    You can't quit addiction without willpower, but your willpower is impaired by your addictions. So there you go.
    Kind of explains all these botched attempts and pyrrhic achievements over the years. (And that whats bother me
    about the idea of hypofrontality: It explains stuff too well. That always gives raise to suspicion. I'm too good at
    auto-bullshitting to put it bluntly)

    Anyhow. Decided to kick alcohol from my personal diet and add some exercise activity. Quit smoking ten days ago (without murdering someone,
    where's my nobel peace prize?). Guess the only thing to do is to try abstaining from porn and wanking and nicotine
    and alcohol for long enough that my poor old frontal lobe can get a break and maybe, pretty please get better, as well.

    I mean, chances are okay. I see no other way than to try hard breaking this contain, and I have got a lot of time.
    And I've somehow lost most of the negative feelings regarding all of this. Yes, it's unpleasant, yes I wish I would
    be done with this already (been a year now, eh?) but somehow all of these feelings aren't distracting me much.

    But that might be dissociation. Gods, I love dissociation.

    Well. Here we go again.
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Okay. Three days in. Stuff resurfacing. Self control okay. Been kind of productive.

    And now I feel this towering wave of urges coming for me.

    Wheee! It's party time! Everyone braces themselves, this is not a drill.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Well. Shields holding. The teetotaller bs seems to work. Had a moment of possible depression,
    told the moment "fuck this" and just went running. Weird. Beautiful. And all the rest, y'know.
  19. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Keep it up brother
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Been a while. Still doing the straight edge thing, kind of. Had some minor relapses, but nothing scary. Taking way better care of myself now. Getting more attention from boys and girls. Which is a bit of a, well, not a problem, but a bit confusing. Just not used to.

    Leaving consumption blanketing my emotions behind for the most part, also opens up other questions. How to distract myself? How to deal with life shit? How to not go overboard with the new stuff I'm putting more focus on now?

    Its not harder, just a bit alien. Unexplored, uncharted, soon to be implemented additions to the map.

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