...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Ach, it rains heavy on me sometimes. Each blow parried pushes me back a step further and I get hit too often for my taste. I know
that the peace needed to reforge my resolve can only ever be made in the present moment. Like a forest to hide the little house where I forge
my blades, boy, do they ever get rusty and dull, day by day. I know that and still. Still I seem only to hang on by a thread these days.

I am too used to this kind of conflict to be felled by my vices. This one has seen far more brutal situations and lived to tell. Bla bla.
But sometimes I wonder whether I am too used to this kind of conflict to win them, as well. That heavy, thorned mantle of being a
struggler, does it fit too well for me to be brave enough to throw it away? No. Remember. Last fall. Last fall I managed to get rid of
all this bullshit long enough that clarity came like a gust of wind to cut away all that fog around the creature that I am/can be.

Sneak preview of the self, my dear. And be it for a moment: I've seen something else in me, in my life and need to not let go of that.
Because that felt fucking marvellous. This razor sharp moving maze, this fog is not everything, nor is it eternal. Ach.

 

All my systems are stabilizing. Shields are up. Reading has helped greatly in getting a new perspective. (I am a ship that will sail on.
I pile rock on rock to build what I already am.) So Zeugs halt. Winter has hit the city hard, which only heralds the spring
that has to come afterwards. I like it cold sometimes. If I am less active here, then mostly because I have other stuff to do.

 

Thinking: Whenever I feel my vices are calling me, I am actually calling out to my vices. They don't exist, can't call. I exist, and I call out. True?

 

well.

something (you, really) is coming out to play. you've been hiding under the clouds of both in house and externally procured altered chemical states. full disclosure: any drug, any game, any masturbation, any depression, any fake make you like me-maneuvring, any white noise, any bitching. it's all the same in the end: a flashbang grenade to the face (yours, theirs, you in their perception, you, in what you think their perception of you is (projection, so much, fuck. me. dead.)) just so you can stay unseen, unliving, cuddle up in that small hole of not-being, not-feeling, not-having-to-deal that you carved out of the void with a rusty spoon or a cleaver made from your own bones, who knows.

as to why you made that blanket statement, thats a question for the ages

you used to say fear/sadness/weakness

nowadays you are prone to say something to the effect of

I FUCKING HAD TO HIDE IT WAS EATING ME ALIVE

(please don't ask what exactly it means in that context)

thing is, psyche moves not in accord to how time normally progresses, and as far as you understand (not that much if compared to what you will know in like 20 years about the human condition, still its too much fucking information already, like a device reading any black box data on anyone it meets [both before and after collision event(s), thank you for asking] wether it wants to or not. understanding is my sharpest tool, yet sometimes I think it's all edges and no grip, a shard thing cutting up anything it touches, hello mister from zen or the art of motor cycle maintenance, right there with you. Nennen wir es zerteilende Betrachtung.

well, as far as you understand that whole disappearing act you pulled and are on the verge of getting rid of is still pretty recent. the gun is still smoking, the cooldown has just started.

understand this and be sated.

something (you) is coming out to play. exiting that inner beyond, that hiding place, it is an extremist. it (you) will not tolerate oppression, manipulation, alteration of chemical states. it (you) is breathing fire, lightning crackles between fingertips, and rage towers high, higher even than that crushing sensation of shame that came with hiding a good proportion of your damn self away for such a long time. correlation or causation, I don't know and don't care about.

that city though, fear/shame/whathaveyou, has fallen. mainly to that primal, feral rage that followed quickly after understanding what went down. that rage has its place, I owe her my freedom, to a degree. so I honor her.

the speed of thought and the intensity coming out of that fog, that haze gives me is a bit to much.

withdrawal is hard both because I miss the effect of the altering agents (whatever they may be) and because feeling who I am isn't necessarily an easy thing to do. not used to, but I know it's right. its me alright. like a newborn thing, crawling away from its cracked eggshell. old yet new, weak and fresh, still too frail for all that rage and power inherent in its being. huh.

and ever sings the egg the song of "you can always come back to me, I am safe, I am here, most of your friends use me, I am normal, you will not make it on your own, there is no reality beyond me"

what else would it do, stupid question. funny thing is, its hard to not feel bad for how often I peeked out and went back in. I am still in that moment, the possibility of leaving that hiding place comes with the ever-present option of opting out, leaving this waking world again. at a price, as the egg never forgets any time you go back in, it keeps a list. to shame you back in, with how you faltered before. stupid, obvious, I know. need typing the obvious down sometimes, no other way dealing with my momentaneous insanity but that one.

 

Trying, in a somewhat sweeping blow, to get rid of media consumption. Like, in general. Cause no matter what I cut out, there's always some new kind of bullshit I can turn to like a little boy with no impulse control who kicks down the door of the proverbial candy store. There, isn't that a nice sentence. Good job, DRDV.

So, we've come to try the AOE tactic and ged rid of all the shite. All music, all video, all text that isn't interpersonal communication, textbook or work. All games, all wanking, all prolongued fantasy. I am trying on this living in the real world thing like a frustrated overfunded scientist who starts his 12.787th experimentation process, truly convinced its not going to fly this time around - or ever. Lol.

Yet we breath, yet we fight, struggle and write beige prose about it.

PS: Looking at this post and the one before I have to admit I seem to have left behind both sanity and mediation in my attempts to get sane and to mediate myself. I appreciate the profound stupidity of that. But what's a boy to do.

 

Huh. Life's a bit boring without the constant buzz of games, videos and music, but its a boring I can get used to. My room looks definitely cleaner for it and I have been sorting through piles of stuff I long had given up sorting. I do find tidy rooms a bit scary, so it might take some getting used to once I get to the bottom of it. Still, this is something I always wanted to do, never got around to, so we might as well chalk that one up (or down? English is weird) as a win. Abstained from porn and MO and all that, not super hard at the moment, as I do not indulge in any stupid stuff these past days. Maybe minimalizing useless crap and trying to get some constructive shit done is a good way to go. Have been writing an application for a job I might genuinely give a fuck about and I put like two hours into an ongoing, huge translation project. Feel more like myself, a slightly boring myself, but it still beats that consumer creature I can become if left to my (de)vices. Ha ha. Shoot me.

 

I like your endeavor DRDV, it's not bad to experience the 'boringness' for a while. It means that right now you're living a cleaned-up version of your life. It's clean and little is happening. So eventually you might want to bring back some action, but in a different form if possible. Physically, exercise will be a must to release your energy. Furthermore, reading may instill you with ideas and inspiration. For me putting on music does a lot for me when I'm at home. And lastly, the best form of action and excitement in your life will be through real life women, seek out their presence and companionship.

 

Ya. None of the media (except porn) are bad, and I am looking forward to the day I no longer abuse them.

Relapsed today. Not to porn, but MO, which is my older problem. The boring style I have afforded me with the following, plain insight: I derive no pleasure from MO. Its just compulsive, arbitrary, unproductive, dragging me down.

I somehow still associated pleasure with that. Its just pain. Thank you, boring style, for that clarity.

And thank you for your comment, thebeg. I appreciate it.

 

Living in bingy mcbinge town right now. Timidly considering going in for another attempt at Figuring Shit Out. Again.

 

Hm. Found an opening. Time to take that chance. Y otra vez!

 

Sixth day without orgasm. Did watch some porn on friday, but managed to get myself out of it. Somehow. Two job offers in the near future. Haven't smoked any weed in about two weeks. General situation seems to allow for more growth and stability. Nice.

 

Focus stabilizes. Less disconnect to things. Just the beginning of more stuff moving really slowly. Less baggage. Not taken for granted, appreciated, much. I am sailing, I am sailing. May Efferd guide my ship.

 

Emotional response resurfacing. Takes time to deal with them. Got a blank, dull feeling when a friend ditched me yesterday. Took some hours to eat through that and feel angry and hurt. Try not to overreact. I know I didn't use to feel much, so I need to tone down my response. At the same time I know I should not overdo moderating me, since there's no need to skirt around what I actually feel. All this is progress.

 

Why did your friend ditch you? It doesn't sound very cool.

 

Woah, to ditch so has a stronger meaning than I thought. Second language mistake. She just left me hanging at a museum. Wasn't final, but that girl has a tendency to screw up any plans that just pisses me off. So not too cool but not a utter bitchmove.

 

Think I'm going to flatline country for a while. Smoking gets on my nerves, so its on the not to do list. Possibly doing some theatre again. We'll see.

 

Woo. Landed a job. Possibly. MO'd yesterday, so I was dead wronng about le flatline. Whatever. Chaser hit but not too hard and I have rather neutral feelings about the whole affair.
Still a lot of ground to cover, but I will build that house, brick by brick. Different aspects of my life are improving, not all at the same pace, but for the first time in weeks I am going somewhere.
I'll be going places, guys. And for the first time in weeks I have something I look forward to when getting out of bed. Very nice.

I'll keep this feeling for all the hard times to come. I am a ship that will keep sailing. Proud as a Prussian, as a German saying goes. Good to have. Appreciate it. Much. Am thankful for all these
people contributing to tackling this issue of pornography addiction. Every single person. Thanks, people.

 

Well. Tears. Lots of em. Translating something concerning this addictions. So many ppl trying to get out of a dark, shitty place.
Not used to feeling so profoundly. Have to go deeper still, get it all back, drag my fallen home and heal them, end this division
in my heart of hearts. Some days my commitment to this journey is but a whisper in the back of my head.

Today it towers high, as fucking high as fate itself.

 

Mild trigger. Organizational stuff. Made a mess, now I have clean it up. Close to M ing. Turned around. Forms and paperwork used to give me le fog cranial deluxe. Got a bit better. Need to sort it out. I know I need to do it anyway, procrastinated it. Now I have to face it. Knew that time would come. Knew I had to change this avoiding behaviour, as it is only dragging me down. Not easy, out of comfort zone. Nothing left but to face it. Ew.

At least its a situation to learn from. Look at my emotional reactions. Look at how they have changed. Acknowledge that this is a problem, but one I can solve, if I just do all the necessary steps. Breathe.

 

Got thru. Company helps. Tired now. No relapse. Nice.