...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Day 9

Have entered a more ...combat heavy phase.

Emotional volatility, negative thoughts, fear of death, bla bla, you name it.

I have somewhat gone back to my old living with depression routines, not that thats the exact same pattern, but its close enough. I am not taking myself too seriously right now, and my flak for shooting down dumb ideas has received a hefty update to what counts as a target. I be in the parts where illusions roam, but I won't pay them much mind.

Thinking about this phrase:

Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.


PS: I had a very freeing laughing attack just after writing this from that part of my person that sits at the far end of the auditorium, having a grand old time, throwing popcorn, no matter what the play is. Like G'Kar loosing it when being asked what he has endured, like King Laugh as discussed by Van Helsing in Bram Stokers Dracula. Figures :3

 

Yea, I hear you. Sometimes it can even seem to be positive because I'll want to communicate more with people, be more open, have many ideas and a positive outlook on things and feel inspired. These all seem like good things... And they are, but not when it becomes excessive or if it cannot really be sustained and then produces an opposite kind of effect. Hence, I prefer to be more balanced even if it means to lose some of these elements...

Yea, I would say similar things for me as well. If I see that I'm really too ''high mood'' I'll do my best to start avoiding stimulating things (eg. loud music, getting lost on YT binges, the computer in general, etc.). I'll resist communicating with people until I calm down because it just seems, in my case, to make my agitation even bigger. So basically slow down as you mention, favour a quiet environment, and try to come back to myself. To slow down my mind. But it's easier said then done and can take a while for sure. Activities like journaling help me, taking a walk, exercising (I like to run a lot) or just laying down, taking a nap, etc. All the things that slow the body and the mind.

Beyond this, I try my best to keep a healthy lifestyle and routine. I still fall off often but I think slowly I'm more consistent with it. Sleep and diet would be first on the list, with sleep being by far no.1. Then exercising daily, meditation, journaling. Grounding kind of activities.

The most confusing part is the social aspect. Because being social is positive and brings connection. But if I am too hypomanic or unregulated, I am forced to slow it down. Because more social just tends, then, to further dysregulate my emotional state. I also try, more and more, to choose the right kind of social activities. The good kinds can actually help to stabilize my mood overall. Such as some kind of an activity that is healthy and done in a group at regular intervals.

 

Have you heard of Eckhart Tolle? He is a meditation guy, does some good stuff on death and fear of death. It helped me a lot as I was afraid of dying until my mid-twenties, panic attacks etc.

 

Day 10

Feeling dumb, a bit like I would have if I had relapsed.

Heard of him, ya, but no more than that. These chaotic thoughts have settled, but thanks for the tip.

Yep, all of that touch grass stuff, eh? Thanks for the info, sorry, a bit too foggy to reply in more detail.

 

Day 12, I think

Had an esoteric moment, thought about shit. The short version is:

Stuff is in flux for me right now, what was easy, knowing who I am (an addict), is becoming hard.

And what was hard, not using, is becoming easy.

Part of the price is, I currently have zero fukken information who I am just know, and my brain is on a caleidoscopic bender thru a wide variety of moods and ideas.

Time to buy popcorn.

During my morning exercise (with a hangover) I got somewhat exited. Thankfully, Angela Merkel invented the cold shower, so I got out of that mood without much funny business.

PS:
The hangover has me a bit shaky, I am dealing with okay, but will limit the frequency of getting drunk. While I am doing okay today, its not something I should do often, at least for the forseeable future.

As I am one horny idiot these days and apparently have no flatline this time around, I should start dating ppl, but I am somewhat dreading it, both for the very forseeable dissapointments as well as being afraid of spending too much time on these bloody apps.