fuck. bit of a crisis. several MO yesterday and went back to gaming and watching videos on a stream. which is what I do not want to do, as it makes me feel like shit and is my "me going back to recluse consumer person." afraid of falling off again. resenting that one thing being able to kick me out of momentum. realize that that happens every so often anyways, and that there will always be things not going my way. I have not been dong bad for myself lately. went out a lot, met friends, did jobs and took better care of myself. been going to a weekly therapy group that has helped a lot. got closer with my family, hell even with myself. won't end here cos I am dipping into old patterns today. its the build up of shame, in even tiny amounts, over the course of one day that I am feeling right now. and the mental burden of MO and media consumption thats dragging me too. I am a bit pissed how fast I can lose momentum, honestly. same time I realize it would be a shame to throw in the towel now. Trying to stabilize today. Think I will start journalling again. I find myself writing pretty frequently here, but any public journal, and be it anonymous restricts the scope and level of detail one can allow oneself. I used to journal a lot in the past, never regularly though. Probably would not have gotten were I am without writing. So I'll try to journal, privately, and have updates here as well. See what that does for me.