...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

fuck.

bit of a crisis. several MO yesterday and went back to gaming and watching videos on a stream.
which is what I do not want to do, as it makes me feel like shit and is my "me going back to recluse consumer person."

afraid of falling off again.

resenting that one thing being able to kick me out of momentum. realize that that happens every so often anyways,
and that there will always be things not going my way.

I have not been dong bad for myself lately. went out a lot, met friends, did jobs and took better care of myself.
been going to a weekly therapy group that has helped a lot. got closer with my family, hell even with myself.

won't end here cos I am dipping into old patterns today. its the build up of shame, in even tiny amounts, over the course
of one day that I am feeling right now. and the mental burden of MO and media consumption thats dragging me too.

I am a bit pissed how fast I can lose momentum, honestly. same time I realize it would be a shame to throw in the towel now.

Trying to stabilize today.

Think I will start journalling again. I find myself writing pretty frequently here, but any public journal, and be it anonymous restricts the scope and level of detail one can allow oneself.

I used to journal a lot in the past, never regularly though. Probably would not have gotten were I am without writing.

So I'll try to journal, privately, and have updates here as well. See what that does for me.

 

Tide be high.

Time to fight. I am at risk reverting back to a cave dwelling monkey surrendered to its bad ways.

This shan't come to pass. To arms, my children!

 

Was able to stabilize, yesterday. Went to therapy, work, then met up with a friend who was feeling down. Before bed some yoga. Couldn't sleep much, but not in the way that bothers one.

And thats a win, and hell did I need one. Onwards, no relenting now.

 

Yesterday shit mood cause I wasn't bale to get up for ages, then met a good friend.

Good friends render shit moot and a thing of the past.

Today went to work and put up a construction sane people would do with 2 people. I kissed being sane to the wind and screwed the thing to the wall so it don't kill me doing it solo.
Helped a friend with some legalese contractual bullshit. There's a necessity to rendering aid when able to I respect when I can. And I could.

Started a bit of journalling, the physical note book variant. Its good to see how much that lets me see that I am a person, and one with continuity that defies the feeling of the infinite pull of addiction.
When Going to War, Fight with Arrows, Spears, and Swords.

Writing be a powerful weapon.

 

Writing is important. For me it helps sorts my thoughts, eliminate unnecessary ones from my head and end product is just a goal.

Keep at it

 

Thanks man!

After some back and forth, attempting no pmo/mo/m.

I'll have to go serious. We all know the gratuitously lubricated slopes.

One day in.

 

Day two.

Could not sleep. Way confused, no relapse.

Also trying to not watch youtube. Another of my bad habits. So far, so good.

Need to keep stable even with the sleep deprivation. Will move slowly. Slowly helps.

 

Day three.

Sleep was bit better. Have decided to quit youtube in general, maybe I'll watch some channels I find worthwhile every week or so. Healthy gamer for instance.

Had an appointment with my therapist, was a bit shy to also mention my masturbation habit, but in the end it was fine. She is of the opinion masturbation in the right setting would be okay, I tend to disagree, at least for the time being.

Way I see it, its my primal addiction, anything else is secondary, so for the moment the plan is:

Abstinence from masturbation and youtube, regulated consumption of offline gaming, watching some series occasionally, but not binging.

Also I have started with a writing practice (its simple: write exactly three pages of whatever comes to mind after waking up) and yoga today. Want to keep doing that.

Also some basic sleep hygiene: limit screentime in the mornings and before going to bed.

Re withdrawal, I am okay. My body sorta feels like it has sore muscles, or maybe a hangover.

I don't have cravings yet and doing some physical exercise kind of is an approximation to M, as it also is me doing sth with my body I actualky like.

 

Day four.

Sleep keeps being a bit weird, but nothing that really bothers me.

I got bored not watching BS yesterday. At some point, I went looking for my shoeshine, dug thru half of my belongings in the process.

I have so much stuff I haven't looked at in years, gracias a porn and streaming. Did a bit of sorting out, also got lost in memories.

There's so much shit I used to do before it all collapsed into a black whole of video consumption.

Its good that stuff is coming up. I'll have much more free time coming up.

 

Hey DRDV,

I've read your past few posts.

I really hear what you're saying about addiction/bad habits of compulsively consuming videos. I went several years of doing the same and have only just got over this addiction in March at the start of my journal.

For me, quitting youtube was the biggest one. It really is pernicious how the algorithm learns what you'll click on and just feeds it to you.
Sometimes I'd watch entertainment videos that are funny/cool.
Sometimes I'd watch shocking videos - about politics/outrage culture/identity politics etc.
Sometimes I'd watch "educational" videos. But even if those educational videos are sometimes useful and insightful, the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I don't think its good to just get your insights from youtube, rather than from interacting with the real world and with real people. I don't think its good to just get your insights from watching rather than doing. I don't think it actually qualifies as an insight if it just remains as knowledge in your head and it isn't being applied in the real world.

I can attest that quitting youtube is a brilliant thing to do. I'm able to focus better. And I have very few days of crushing regret where I had plans to get some work/tasks done (even just a modest amount of work/tasks) and then I'd just waste the day. I have very few of those now.

There are still occasions when I'll watch my DVDs for a few hours unnecessarily. eg. I'll start watching an episode of something when I'm having dinner. I'll finish my dinner half way through the episode, but then I'll watch a few more episodes.
Then I'll end up going to bed a few hours later than I had planned or I won't get my evening exercise done etc.
So there's some regret, but not too much.
And those times are becoming less and less frequent since I quit youtube.
I don't see those kinds of moments as a big deal. Rather I see it as my brain telling me that it just wants to switch off and relax for a few hours. Sometimes you can't be too hard on yourself, especially if you notice that it doesn't happen very often. Just one of life's punches that you've gotta roll with.

Plus the advantage of watching DVDs instead of youtube (and instead of a streaming service like Netflix) is that there isn't endless novelty, so I will eventually get bored of rewatching my old DVDs after a few days/weeks. That's what my dopamine-seeking brain wants - novelty. And that's what I am disciplined in limiting for myself through video media. I'd much rather get novelty through a variety of relationship/friendship/career/work/hobby/travel experiences. That's where the richness of life is, not sitting at home alone watching a two-dimensional screen (and neither on a VR 3D headset).

Good luck on your journey!

Tig

 

Day five.

Yup. Also I feel video is also just a type of product, made for consumption. Of course that don't have to mean it can never be worthwhile, but large scale its a lot of fast food.

Also I kinda want to get my own perspective back. Over time, being so drenched in the media sphere slowly synchs you up, not necessarily with what your opinion is, but what your scope is, what discussions you passively partake in.

Its a bit passé to me now. I do not require an opinion on the latest star wars. Not even star wars is vital to my life, knowing others opinions, even less so.

In other news, I have been a lazy fuck. I do use slowness as a tool, and naps sorta replace M in a way, but I can't be doing that forever. But hey, I'm not even a week in, its working, so at this times I am just gonna watch it and gather thoughts on that one.

 

Day 6

I have gotten myself in trouble over taxes. Its no ones fault but my own, of course. Just learned the situation, which I was aware of but in denial about, like the avoidance pokémon I am no longer trying to be, has become very pressing.

I am at the moment trying to regulate my high stress response in order to then take action.

Weirdly, I am a bit relieved push has come to shove, as I am not sure how much longer I would have done nothing.

Also, this comes at an opportune time in a way, I am six days abstinent from pmo and youtube and I am moderating my gaming. As stressed as I am, I trust myself to not act out.

I needed to have something to do, and here we are. I know I need to shift out of my bad habit of being a deer in the headlights and paralyzed and so on and get on with sone proactivity.

Of course, everything I think and write now should be taken with a truckload of salt, but I can only try to navigate with the info I have.

 

So far, so good. No relapse, stabilizing by communicating with friends.
Will try to fix my tax isdue tomorrow

Bought a beer, did not drink it. This is not the time for anything that detracts from clarity. Stress is high, but I sorta both deserved and need a kick in the arse.

I need to do better, and get out of my funk, especially finance and job wise. At this point, this is the thing that both paralyses me the most, and the field that I need a win in. Everything else is priority 2, with abstinence being priority 0, as in: prerequisite to even have the tools to work on my issues.

Here we go, be a bit less dumb about money, find a fucking next job, cause my assortment of varied sideshow bon gigs ain't cutting it.

Time to get a bloody life, truth be told

 

I think you're doing well man.

Make sure you cut yourself slack at times and congratulate yourself. Not on being where you ultimately want to be, but on being better than who you were yesterday/last week/last month/last year.

It's a fine balance between motivating yourself to be more and more and more, and congratulating yourself when you do achieve something.

This congratulations could just come in the form of mentally acknowledging that you achieved something and patting yourself on the back.

 

Yep. I think there is something to be said aiming for being okay at something before wanting to be good at it.

If I am ultra noob level of bad at a thing, wanting to be good all of a sudden means failure is the only option. And failure means using, usually.

Thank you, its good to hear that. Especialky those days where you think the opposite, like today.

Ty ty

 

Day 7 of no PMO and no youtube

Woop woop!
Filed for expansion of my payment to them taxation officials, polished my CV and filed an application with a somewhat shady art thing.

I have no real cravings, even if I am a bit horny. But I am somewhat okay with just being that. No need to act on it.

 

Congratulations on the first 7 days, that is a big achievement.

 

Day 8

Getting cravings for sweets and fast food. Also got a bit exited during exercise in the morning.

The around noon my mood went into overdrive. Bit like hypomania. Took a walk to the park, wrote a bit in my diary and took a long ass nap.

Now I am grounded again. Been noticing my heart racing from time to time.

Withdrawal from stimulants can be such a trip, quite ironic.

Ya, its a good start, thanks man!

 

Nice man. I deal with a lot of hypomania as well. I really have to be mindful of it, and keep it in check.

Also, well done on your current work and progress dealing with ''real life'' things. I'm similar, trying to dig myself out of various tricky situations.

Stay strong!

 

Its hard, cause you need to spot that that energetic, vivid feeling is not necessarily a good one. Spotting a down mood?
Easy. But that shit.

Feels like wrangling a river filled with psychotic jellyfish or some other metaphor :3

What are your best practice countermeasures?

I have like movement, fresh air, sitting still for a while, taking a naps.
basically, slow down.

took me the larger part of the day, tho