...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Some shifts. More work. Less time alone. Switching through the modes. Less focus on soul/mind/loneliness.
Moving quicker now, less thoughtful, though. Everything has a price, everything has a pay-off. The old dance,
I guess.

Thing is, I didn't MO for more than two days. I was just busy. So if I keep adding speed, will that disable my problem,
just put it into the background to wither? Probably.

I need to not forget how to look into my soul. And I need doing that. But porn, masturbation, orgasm as a focus seem
to be quickly moving out of the picture. There be other dragons here.

Shapeshifting into another set of problems, another questline. I have been like that for years, no reason I should
be changed now, just because I've been changing. That would make zero sense now, would it.

 

Well. Drifting I have been. Didn't pick that name for nothing.

Weed and masturbation have merged into that lumbering complex in the past few weeks. The dopamin industrial complex, maybe.
I have tried often to not wank (my first attempts where at what, aged 14? I don't recall why I didn't want to keep wanking, I guess
I felt dirty or something, or I was onto something, but I didn't manage.) but never made it out with my decision and self-control intact.

I did stop smoking weed at some point in the past. I had a good, a real good reason. Let's just say grand mal seizures are nothing that
has you thinking twice. Long time ago, ages past. Still I did quit. And I stopped smoking around 3 and a half years ago. That was hell.
I was one bundle of furious anger, ready to jump at random people on the streets.

So now. Smoking pot has kind of fused with my insatiable liking for wanking. And maybe, just maybe it shouldn't have done that.
Because stopping smoking, I can do that. Kind of. Every once in a blue moon. I think. (Targetting sequences ready? Not sure)
Thinking is hard though. Everything is a bit off. I have been playing video games, because they kind of eat away at your mind
in nice ways. Less processing. Tasks I can actually execute. Whatever.

I am used to navigating these foggy seas. As far as you can get used to that. What do I now. I have seen the kind of insight
...beyond sanity. It's a special flavor. I haven't been there for a while. But some things in life are like bicycle riding.

Once you learn, you never forget. Written on your bones, kind of.

I'm lost in the deep end. Home, finally.

 

Flares of anger. Feeling better, though. In general. Two days in now. Sometimes really, really dizzy. I sleep a lot. Trying to set up new phone. Phone is very throwable. Have to take long breaks, else I send the fucker flying to it's early doom. The symptoms of MO and weed don't actually cancel each other out - but at least there is a variety in les cravings.

 

Lessened burning of the brain. Went drinking yesterday. Start to get used to the thought that pmo has reached its (natural?) end of life span for me. Trying not to try to avoid too much commitment so as to not get demotivated by setbacks. By now, it's all a bit meta. Too much. Compartmentalization, maybe. Don't know. What do I know, and that's even in the title, man.

 

Getting less withdrawal symptoms regarding weed. Mood swings are decreasing. Also didn't MO. Seems to have undergone qualitative change, since I don't think about it all that much. Will start dating ppl soon, I think, cause I don't want a sexless life. Think it's going to be long time before I am right in the head, but atm it seems very likely to eventually get better.

 

Like golden, glowing, burning spiderwebs drifting through the murky pool of my mind.

Le cravings are back. I want ...something. (Hi guys!)

Was solls. I'm not very impressed.

 

Mh. I think I am not going to keep updating this journal for long. I have one (kinda huge) translation project linked to this whole porn addiction thing, which is going to yet take a significant amount of time, and if and when I finish it, I think I will have had enough time to really wrap my head around this topic. So there's still that. But this problem is taking the backseat to other problems, which have no connection to the concerns this community is intended for. Long story short, this vessel will be reaching port soon. Time to clean ones bunk, maybe.

 

Well, these emotions. We didn't insulate ourselves from them for no reason, right? I go overbord with feelings of being in love, feeling
rejected, listening to music and sudden bouts of despair. I can navigate all of them, but sometimes I feel like a rowing boat in a storm.
My (semi-objective) understanding that I have faced feelings like this (and way, way worse) helps not feeling overwhelmed - but there
is no doing this without taking hits. Makes appreciating why I did put up a barrier of PMO, video games, fantasy, weed, depression etc
up for so many years quite easy. A null field, numbing that pain. Huh. Here's to welcoming it back, I guess. I'll manage.

Kind of fallen for someone. So uncomfortable waiting to know whether or not anything will happen. I would like the situation resolved
stat (get reject, get closer, get this question answered) and I know this is me being impatient. I know. But the emotion remains in me,
flowing through me. Was so nice being close to a human being, ach. And I fall so easily for people.

I have faith in me not doing silly stuff. Porns long gone, weed and masturbation are two weeks ago and I don't miss them too much,
though I think that I might be flatlining and I am prepared to man the barricades come the day that this flood of want, les cravings,
come knocking on my door. I know they will. I have faith in them, as well, so to speak.

 

Huh. Browsing this site has become a kind of pastime. I feel porn, masturbation and all this clinging to
that mono-rail kind of expressing myself starting to dissolve in my mind. Slowly, mind you, very preliminal,
should I go back, I would go back fully to who I was before. Es obvio, senor.

When I started this undertaking of emancipation myself from that/off my junk, I planned to have another side
to the project, a more creative and self-explanatory one. A more private one, as well. But that burning pain
got in the way and all I could do was hold on, keep the course, weather that storm. The shields didn't always
hold, but I am through that asteroid field, core systems still functional, if not intact.

And now, that this veil is slowly dropping to the ground and I start feeling quite different, I think it's time
to leave for a while, test the waters on my own and put that thought of being in recovery aside for a while,
see how that feels. I can build no house on the ground of taking an addiction apart.

I am very thankful for communities like this. Without this knowlegde accumulated by all of you,
I would still be a thirty-something rotating sadly in impotence limbo. I appreciate that fact.
And should I figure out that I cannot hold on my own, I will be back. If I can do it on my own,
I will still return in a few weeks, I think.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

 

Wherever you go, whoever you encounter, those people will benefit from having known you. I'm certainly one of them.

 

That's quite the compliment, TheScriabin. I do appreciate. :3

I am at a weak point. I didn't think it wasn't a terribly bad idea trying to survive
without this here, this thing were I write solely about le porn and my fragged up brain
space. Whatever. Have been spiraling out of of what resembles control in my life
since saturday. MO'd like five times or more since then, even took peeks at porn,
which wasn't anything I had cravings for before.

And today I actually thought about contacting the ex girlfriend because of some
organizational issue only she could help me out with. (Hint: Nothing is worth contacting
someone with narcisstic personality disorder. Nothing.)

Thing is, that was the last red flag I needed. If I think about contacting her, something
is foul in the state of moi. Very, very foul. And all the lights are blinking red.

And that's okay. And relapsing to MO is okay. It's not what I wanted, but I got to
get a sneak preview of what my life could be should I drop masturbation completely.
And that's a good thing to have.

I did feel like omitting the peeking at porn, though. That reflex to minimize, compartmentalize
and pretend is still alive and kicking. So you need to kick back and be the fuck honest about
that shit before it gets you compromised. Here's to that!

Have been talking about this thing to seven people by now. It get's a bit easier everytime.
(Hello Terry Crews! Can you be my new dad please?)

Lol. Onwards!

 

Happy you're back

 

Thanks, fry.

My Ex did her thing yesterday, texting me in the dead of the night. Wave upon wave of meaningless,
yet nicely put words crashed into the shore of my ear. Elaborated chatbots with the sole purpose of
fucking you up are only entertaining a set, definite amount of times.

I wrote back, being a sucker for cheap personalized entertainment. There was an echo of that rush
she used to incite in me, a relationship like a commodity, an addiction, her doing, not mine, I loved
her, but that is a thousand iterations of irritating me for the sake of getting some kind of strong emotion
out of me ago. The narc/cult people call it supply, I am not especially keen on their terminology, but in the
end I was just a bag of meat doing stuff for her. Understanding that has eroded my love, my trust, my
empathy for her. Karst of the soul, nothing left but bizarre rock formations.

One of the few people I have roundly condemned, still I communicate with her, for the sake of
some selfish kick. Oh brain, what you do in order to spill that dopamine. Fun!

Was solls. Fuck it. I am a giving man. I did the rude thing sending nudes proposing she entertain
herself, a Greek gift if I ever made one. After that, the waves of "I have always loved you, ra ra ra" ended,
like when the operator of a lab rat experiment, hitting any button releasing food and drugs, hoping some
thing sticks finally runs out of buttons. The rat raises an eyebrow. That all you got?

Understanding her has made my soul into teflon. Watch the dirt come, splatter, and drop to the ground
harmlessly. Like some kind of advertisement for car polish. What do I know.

And it feels good. Yeah, I got excited, yeah, I wrote back, but now I know that even in weak times,
this one ain't weak, blind enough to fall for that kind of shit again. I am unique, yet all the same to her.

Why bother? I have more interesting problems than my ex going through her list of ex bfs and gfs trying
to find somebody to fall for her bullshit again.

Apart from that, cravings all over me. Cigarettes, porn, masturbation, weed, what you have, I WANT it.

Lol. So what.

 

Starting to understand addiction better. I often understand in the abstract first, and deeper understanding that is more rooted in experience and deepened knowledge later.

Took me a while, but I am really just starting to understand and accept that I am an addict. Funny how I resilient I have been to that specific epiphany. Especially since addiction in my family is fucking prevalent. Functional addiction, mostly.

Trigger warning for Amanda Fucking Palmer in lingerie.



I can relate to that.

There's a sense of peace in knowing that my affliction is not entirely my own, that it's a thing of my people, too.

Doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility to break that curse as good as, as thorough as I can.

More peace in knowing that I have come so very far, more than halfway in, and in having been the first one of my folks to speak about therapy, insanity and struggling with suicidality (that's a noun now, friends) openly.

Still hard to accept. I am an addict.

Hi guys!

(And I thought I was approaching the end of this. Ha! Wrong. Grab popcorn, buy ten crates of beer, this means way more navel gazing and talkative eruptions!)

Home? Home is a good fight.

 

Huh. Situation. Picked up smoking and masturbation. All these vices when battled seem to grin at me and say "Oooh, we've got a fight at ours hands, bring it!".
Better with structure, planning lately. First time havin Christmas/Capitalismas planned and paid for ahead of the 24th in my life. Weird feeling things going as
planned, not used to, not used to. Everything in the near future is in fucking flux apart from friends and were I live at. And I don't feel threatened by it, or just
a bit, also new.

If you push and pull at life, it doesn't always move the way you expected, intended it to do. But mine is going in a better direction at the moment, and I feel I
have it in my grasp to further that advancement. If ahead, get more ahead, like Starcraft taught me. So, while this whole addiction thing is quite a problem
and the situation to treat it, heal my brain-thing, isn't nowhere near or easy, momentum still builds. What more to bloody ask for.

 

Into the void, my dear. You have looked at all your monsters closely, lived with them, learned their ways, know now what the price they claim is, and that it is too much, every inch, every moment, is too much, of your soul isn’t so much left that you could afford to be a giving man, not to your vices, not to these drugs, you have glimpsed yourself for a brief moment, a bright hard light, a certainty is you, somewhere out, somewhere in there.

This is why you must weather the storm of withdrawal. And look at that ugly wound in the center of your being, isn’t it beautiful, isn’t it you? Your ship must leave port soon, your deadlines are finalized, time too leave that office behind and be a brave explorer.

You’ve been here, many times. Many of you have fallen, many died, even, their dead mans time weighs heavy on your shoulders. Not too heavy, after all you’re a man, too, whatever that means. (Most of the time it means just having a dick and having come equipped with a biological frame with an okay capacity for carrying shit around. Is all it is really.) You’ve been here before, and each time you can open that door to that Self-Thing a bit wider, a bit longer. Before you fall again, and fall you must, and thats okay.

Pledge yourself to that binge/purge cycle so many addicts try to escape. Maybe you can one day break that wheel, if you’re much wiser, have understood much more than now. Any fate you try to escape from must first be accepted, wholeheartedly.

But for now, be happy charging that windmill head on.

 

Further down the hole. All systems operational. Cravings are minimal to none, and we expect good weather and not too much puking during flight. Should you feel the need to hunt deer, kindly refer to our service personnel and ask for our on-board hypnotist.

 

I dream shit so weird I do not even want to think about it. Emotional today, of the lower kind.
Ain't no thing, I know how to sail that ship well. Easier to handle than the nightlong urges to
MO or text the ex. Keeping the course, not too much, not too little. Sleep, run, work, eat, translate.

Why not. Use the body you have, while you have it, I guess.

 

I can really relate with what you write here. There are just mechanisms and dynamics and prickly relationships. There are no guilty people, no one person responsible for our suffering. Our own lives become an expression of the suffering around us. But that is only a part of us, it isn't the whole picture. We grew up around people who didn't know how to resolve, or weren't willing to, confront their own suffering, and in families, if it doesn't work horizontally it doesn't work vertically. Families pass the bomb down, and eventually one child may explode. That child is lucky, the explosion needs to happen, but probably nobody will understand and they will think that child is sick and needs help. But that child is a real expression of life. Sometimes it can feel that one person carries the burdens of an entire family, or at least feels the effects more accutely, and this child can save the family, but it must first save itself. Pain is a gift. Crazy thing is it is almost impossible to see the suffering of others whilest we are so caught up in our own, yet it is there clear as day. If we observe our history, it is only after time has passed that we recognise its characteristics and limitations, but while we are in it, it feels like that condition is the only possibility, and that within this state everything is already contained. Understandably, we only know that identity, and have only had the opportunity to experience it as beneficial for our life, despite the problems and negative consequences.

Everyone, in different ways, already has a wholeness from where to begin a journey of change, a state which they consider to be the only possible way of living. Every new dynamic, before it presents itself as a good opportunity, has to take into account that a person already has a fairly satisfactory identity, and that is part of a life that appears happy, fulfilled, and the only possible way of being. The person already has a way of being that needs to be respected, even if it appears to be outwardly negative, unacceptable, unsustainable and a cause of suffering. He who wants to take himself or others through a transformative stage to a new phase of life, must begin with the understanding that there is already an identity that meets their needs; that there is a sacred territory which needs to be respected, honoured and fed, even if it does not correspond to the model that we would like to have for ourselves in the future.

 

There. There is something in there that I never could lay my finger on. Nicely put. The "I am both deficient and enough" duality, like a synthesis, no, more like an emulsion. Somehow keeping stable, aligned what should not be able to be in that kind of state with each other. I also like the signature.

Regarding family, one of the things I like best about having turned thirty some years ago was: No longer thinking it's all about me, somehow. (Mind you, I always felt pathetic still.) Things done, things finished. Count your blessings, I guess.

Situation is mixed. Had a party because I birthdayed recently, have had no interest in abstaining, so I happily smoked, drank and MO'ed a coupla times. Not wise, I know. No porn tho, not going there. I know I have to revert back to that sane state (well, I am not gong to axe drinking, as it isn't a problem really and I am moderate in that regard.) I get better at abstaining, which makes it easier to give in sometimes: I know I can go back without much pain.

Not a final solution, and I want, need one. Soon. I know that. But I am good at finding excuses. Good thing I only get older once a year. Good thing I have started making more, better plans and gotten better at keeping with them.
It's not sufficient tho. I need more of that, need to grow that like you'd need to be able to cultivate the herbs for a healing potion if you were living in some kind of action fantasy adventure setting. (Hello, nerd stuff. Yeah, I am missing you too.)

Well, we'll see.