...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Thanks, Mr Doctor! :3

Yep, I felt that that whole interaction was a bit less than it should have been.

On the bright side, I did not act out. Tried watching a movie, browsed a video game store, both boring, went to bed.

 

I am slowly, glacially so, coming to the conclusion I might have ADHD.

Overlap of shit I read on the subject matter with my issues is huge. I have yet to consult a doctor. Currently, I am very stuck. Like, almost unable to do anything stuck.

Procastination is very high.

I just smoked a cigarette and thought to myself: What the fuck does that mean, now? What does it mean to me?

Given that so many attempts at getting anywhere with how I am have failed, not saying they were all fruitless, but they have failed, nonetheless, I feel a huge resistance to trying again. Anything, really.

And then I thought of this forum thread, as this was the closest thing I have to looking at my own life in larger terms over the last few years.

Huh. Hi, again.

 

been travelling downward, for such a long time. supplies running low, lower and then out. no hope, no real reason to use what I have.
why toil when you do not believe that change is possible? cannae be done.

then come to the conclusion I have been trying to make use of tools not made for my hands, trying to travel roads antithetical to how my very brain works.
give in, let it go, then stand in the wind for a moment and feel that relief.

won't need to try what is not for me and not of me. not advice I did not ask for, not strategies that do not factor in how I am.

stray from the body of text, find yourself in the margins, stumbling over the handwritten notes of these that came before you.


I have been unkind to myself, in despair and not believing there might be a way forward for me.
but finally, finally I have arrived at that bottom of the valley, where hope is not wishful thinking but the last of your knives that you find in your pocket,
when your dark things have cornered you, that height in the lowlands.

I am not done yet. And there is still things to learn. And things to unlearn, bridges to burn, banishments to enact, a whole life unlived in my heart.

 

I have been stuck in my classic old loop of shame/avoidance/not doing things, repeat.

has been weeks, if not months. I was not depressive, but blocked from doing the most basic shit,
except for some tasks for an upcoming community event that I am helping to organize.

I have come to realize that a specific kind of advice has hurt me in the past, a lot, and I had to distance myself
from some people.

not because they have bad intentions, but because the way they try to get me to do stuff. In my native German, there is
the saying: Ratschläge sind auch Schläge. Advice can be a beating, too. Does not translate well.

I have also come to a point were I feel that I have been trying to live life as if I was someone else. I am pretty sure about the
ADHD thing by now, and I feel like I have been beating myself up for trying to live in a way that just cannot work for me.

I also must admit that I have become quite blind to the negative self image I have acquired over the course of my life.

feeling like a failure, feeling like retreating into an ever smaller circle of what I am good at, what value I might have.

I have spent the last week coming to accept that my life cannot be that of a person who I am not. That I am not as continoous in my attention and
efforts, that I will never become a normal person, and that measuring myself up to standards like that can never work, and only harm me.

Its kind of funny, as I have had a similar dance with understanding my bisexuality. I have before abandoned concepts that do not fit me,
can not serve me.

Here I am again, at that same crossroads, that isn't a crossroads, really, but the turn in my lifes road where I have to bury and mourn a life
I will not be able to lead and have tortured myself trying to achieve.

its a happy loss, honestly, because now I at least have a chance of actually learning how my brain works, and finding my own ways and modes,
same as with whom I crush on and want.

it was an exhausting process, and it has cost me a lot. but I refuse to see it as a loss only.

because now, as I have understood that basic, fundamental issue, I might have a chance at finding my way.

I am tired, exhausted and I look like shit. But I have been all these things before, and come back from them. And the acceptance I am now learning
will be crucial if I am to find ways forward, under stars that more closely align with who I am as a person.

and that forgiveness is something I have been hungering for for the longest time, and only I could grant it to myself, no other.

 

Accepting that the person you wanted to be was an unrealistic endeavor in the first place is indeed an important and painful realization. I think you're right in refusing to see it as a loss only. It isn't. You're losing an identity you never really had in the first place. Good luck on your path.

 

eyoooo luke! been a while. nice to hear from you!

ya, shedding the skin of impossible tomorrows seems necessary.

been trying to course correct. started eating somewhat properly again. had some very honest convos with closer friends of mine.
started cutting my rampant media consumption.

getting back some of my emotionality. its all chaotical, or all boring. I need to step out of "avoiding issue" into "suppressing massive emotional feedback to issue"
in order to get some functionality back.

I am getting some tic like moments where my hands do what they want. Must look funny from the outside. I don't try to suppress it. Maybe I should get back
to some yoga/light exercise, that "emotion becoming motion" thing seems to be a tendency of mine.

its like the scriabin once said: in order to move forward, you need to be both accepting of yourself as you are, yet doing the moves to change.

what a fucking razor to be walking on.

 

I have made progress.

From when I last wrote, I could not continue, really.

I was stuck too deep in an escalating crisis composed of little, solvable issues that had compounded into something towering and scary.
I was almost completely paralyzed with procrastination and overwhelmed by it all. Rendered unable to move, tits up in the water, dead adrift.

Already had some sort of shift of perspective, but I felt so fucking outgunned. So I jumped my shadow, as Germans say when they do something they
really, really don't wanna but need to something. Asked my mum for help, mostly getting some bills in order, but also just talking and strategizing.

I have had many a fight with her, but in the end is my rock, always in my corner. I had come to distrust her for some reasons, but in the end I realized
I was in a fucky situation, and who is gonna do the cavalry move and bail you out if not yer own kin.

That did the trick. Opening up about my shit, about being stuck and lost and all that wholesome life shit kinda blew the lid right offa my pot of prestigious procrastination.

I sorted some issues, paid some bills, invoiced some people, got a therapy session with ye olde therapist, started moving.

I was in a bad shape, after a foot injury, being stuck indoors for weeks and a phase of very unhealthy eating or lack thereof.

Went for a short trip to the countryside, started working through my shit, started meeting my friends again.

Everything at once, in a way. My current part time job has me doing some gardening and other janitorial, physical tasks.
I'm biking again. My body feels quite different now from about a month and a half back.

Started attending a group talkie therapy-y thing, still waiting for a real big boi therapy, this time behavioral not depth/couch/Sigmund whatever.
Started looking for jobs. No dice so far, and I am slow with that shit. Hassle with the tax people and the like too.

Funny thing: The negative emotions (and the ensuing avoidance) connected to this kind of task are WAY out of whack. I will never like that stuff,
but its bizarre how I feel like utter shit when doing comparatively okayish if annoying tasks.

I feel I might have fed that spontaneous disgust at all things formal, clerical and administrative over the years, and now I need to starve it back to size.

I feel I am not really able to know what I will want to do once I am further out of hiding. Some new/old feelings seem to be surfacing, slowly.

I look different, which I can tell by the occasional looks I am getting from the boys and the girls. Feels nice.

Media consumption has decreased, though I do still struggle with using when I need to do tasks at my computer. But I am out doing shit frequently.
I feel disinterested in content, the endless videos I used to watch, or gaming. Porn occasionally comes up but I am slowly, slowly more interested in feeling
okay in my body, and for the first time in a long time I kinda wanna go back to dating.

Its not like I never have urges, but I feel I have been attacking the things that make me want to use in the first place. And moving around, meeting people also help.

 

(Wrote this some days back, forgot to hit post)

Have a bit of a rough time.

Met some of my family for an extended period last week. Learned a lot about why my people are fucked in the head the way they are.
Was a bit of a disenchanting thing, but then again, knowlegde is priceless. Also I understand my mother better, and I do appreciate
she got rid of a lot of manipulative traits in a time where therapy really wasn't a thing. To some degree that was also my siblings and my
doing, we shoot the therapy artillery good, real good.

And if she still has some tendency to play games, I do appreciate how much LESS than the previous generation.

I am having issues finding a balance, and I am quite aware of how much I need to take care that my life isn't too chaotic. Lost
a friend recently, to a stupid fight, and as much as I appreciate her as a person, I do understand getting back in contact would be
rather more chaos, so I won't.

I am proud of myself for being better at spotting stuff like that and letting it go. In the past I might have jumped at the chance
to get some drama and distract myself.

I looked at some porn the other day, then became bored by it and switched it off. I am more drifting towards fantasy, and its kinda morphing
away from the uber pornographic. I am slowly coming to a point were orgasm isn't as interesting, either. Slowly becoming a bit interested
in yoga and shit. Feel like I wanna do something with my body, but it doesn't need to be PMO anymore.

 

Have had a dive into old patterns for about three days.

Sleeping is kinda shot to hell, I can only fall asleep early in the morning. I feel the fear of falling back into it all.

Have some jobs coming up, and I am very glad about that.

I made sure to tell some people I am struggling right now, for one, so I do not forget it and drift away into avoidance,
and also in order to get any support/asskicking I need.

Most of my friends are a bit like me, struggling but moving forward, so its not like I am getting guru level advice,
its more peer to peer support/keeping myself honest.

Had a bit of a discovery:
I have troubles getting started with shit, mostly with getting out of the bed in the morning. The noon, and so on :3

It can take me hours knowing exactly what to do, not doing it.

The trick I found is:

Picturing yourself just having finished what you are intending to do.

BOOM.
All of a sudden, I find myself standing in the kitchen, making coffee. Like fucking castin Blink or something.
Tried it again with calling my dad for some support re a crafting job and taxes. Worked.
Then did some yoga.

I am a bit anxious it might be a fluke, but then again we have to be brave explorers, with brains like ours.

 

Okay. Stabilized yesterday, getting better at getting out of procrastination.

Same time, I have shifted into low media consumption and fantasy/masturbation. No O. Its improvement, but I find myself wasting time with it.

I do and crave more physical activity. Thats good. Spontaneously went to a lake for a swim and a walk yesterday. Also picking up yoga again.

 

Long working weekend, but nice job. So busy I am not much bothered by urges and the like. Currently feeling like my life will be on track if I keep at it. Happy about that.

 

Dropped most other habits, except for smoking, but masturbated a lot lately. Its not debilitating, but noticeable, and just today it started feeling forced.

Friend of mine will be in town in some days. Sometimes we have a thing, so its a nice opportunity to leave the m be for a while.

Working on my own this week. Kinda hard, being in charge of everything myself, no one to second my judgements. Good opportunity to train, but sometimes I get insecure or lazy or emotional.

At least I'm busy.

 

Done with the job, quite tired from it, but went well. Client was happy.

Struggling a bit with not masturbating. While the work was successfull and I'm proud of it, I am at the same time exhausted and over it. Feel a bit disorganized and all over the place.

Will have to do some rest and repair and try to gently come back to my personal middle ground. Maybe some yoga, some household stuff, meeting a friend, something along those lines.

Media addiction are not strong, I watched some esports earlier today, but had no moment of getting drawn in. Porn is not an issue right no, even if I am a bit horny, I know that it's the kind of "I am feeling weird and want to use madturbation as a soothing mechanism" horny, and not the actual "here be cute people I wanna jump on them" horny.

Think I am getting a bit better at distinguishing the two. I am appreciating the fact that the majority of horny moments in my life are the kind if wanting to self distract sort.

 

M still being a problem, O not so much. Problem as in, masturbating is my original means of self soothing and everything else (media, drugs, pron etc) came later.

The further I proceed the clearer I can see the following: I do not think masturbation in itself is bad, but I do understand that for me it often comes from a place of feeling hungry, angry, lonely, tired (spot the acronym if you wanna) and actually I need something else, but m is what I reach for out of reflex.

Then the task becomes to understand what I am actually missing and no longer reaching for that drug like button that is always, always in reach :3

Getting there. I am actually proud of my progress and how I am starting to live life: doing stuff, addressing my issues, letting go what I do not need anymore.

Good on me, really.

 

Okay, been gone fer a while, haven't moed all week. I wanna try cementing that. I have been slowly pulling myself away from using to destress and mo is kind of the final frontier.

That means I need to be aware of my needs and meet them as they are and forego the replacement of distraction. Also means I need to go back to dating and or hook ups, cause I can only stave off my need for intimacy and sex so long before I revert back to my old coping stuff.

This will entail me being a needy person. I need to lay out a welcome mat for all those sqeamish, needy feelings I have shood away out into the cold so often.

That will get dumb, and entertaining, too.

 

shit mood, the friend coming over doesn't have much time for me.

decided to disregard the mood and did some administrative shit and so on.

didn't use anything distracting to get out of the mood. it will change over the course of the day, it always does.

 

not doing MO changes a lot of things. mostly I am horny at night in different ways than the normal daily use kinda "I want my fix, this is very normal" thing.

but also it feels like a blanket falling away. I feel my needs more clearly. and ya, sex drive is among them, but more to the forefront is the need for
intimacy, not necessarily sexual or romantic.

and while I feel I am left wanting, this is what I was aiming for. that full human being type of experience.

also, since I blanketed that need for so long, I am only half good at meeting it. some people I spent a lot of time with, who are
mostly nice and interesting people mind you, are super bad at really connecting with me. or anyone. or themselves.

shit you don't notice when you're constantly under the influence, eh.

and now that I am clearing that nebula, my landscapes and star charts have shifted. there will be some losses when starting to move.
I have known that for some time, but you can only take stock and see whats what once you've really started moving. and there's
a lot of sad bois and sad girls I will be drifting away from over time.

not as in completely cutting them. but people with a high tendency to reschedule because "they don't have the energy today"?
numbered time of attempts I am making lately to try to meet and catch up with them. I bear no ill will towards them. I was like that for
a long long time.

anycrap. let loss be your guide and all that stuff.

 

The friend I have an (at least to me) meaningful friendship with a slight chance of benefits trated me to delayed communications, then put me into the last available time slot before leaving town, then rescheduled (or attempted to) last minute.

I decided to not go with the change of plans, let her be her, and went to help a friend with some document shit (and endlessly gossip).

I was pissed for being underappreciated, relegated to low priority and then moved around on. It felt like I used to feel when younger a lot.

What I wanted most from the meeting wasn't sex (tho I would naught have complained), but emotional intimacy. The more I put space between me and using (and I am) the more pronounced I feel that need.

And the less I am willing to suffer for getting some real connection, which is funny, cause now I need it more.

Its due to understanding that a lot of social and romantic relations I have entertained only seemed to feed that need. In actuality they were often situations where I felt it might be possible to connect. Quite often that did not happen, but I paid the price of being low key disregarded, put on low prio and casually being rejected anyways.

Dangling carrots man.

I fully appreciate I wasn't able to really connect to other people (and myself) for a long time. That made these semi real, semi fulfilling relationships easier to explain to myself.

Bored of all that now. Time to pick up the bar from the bottom floor of hell and let the complaints of the suckers and suckerettes I will inevitably leave behind my personal soundtrack during the climb.

The thing that surprised me the most though:

My emotional processing of that being neglected etc is so much clearer, crisper and faster than it has any business being.

Its a developing situation of course, but I thought emo proc would be WAY harder during abstaining from avoidance.

And some fucking way its actually much easier. They should have sent a poet.

 

Further thinking about what happened on the weekend.

Understanding I got hurt regarding my ability to trust people with emotional intimacy just when I was realizing I need said intimacy in my life.

See no way out of this that entails further contact with that friend just now. Theres times where my rage demands I protect myself from further harm, and I cannot go around her. Or don't want to, honestly. As bad a rap as rage gets, that emotion has carried me through more storms, out of more hells than I can remember, and I trust her implicitly.


Will let it simmer in my brain for some more days before making any kind of judgement call.

Content notwithstanding, emotional clarity has much improved :3

And thats a win, too

 

this was yesterday but fogot to hit post:

feeling down still for that friend letting me down.

angry at her, I am doing pretty well, or was, and now I have to also treat that injury.
then again, stepping back out in the world would entail catching some damage sooner or later.
what irks me is the feeling I should have gotten rid of that relationship years back.
internal war council is still in session, and I am not yet sure what they'll come up with
once the smoke from their hut becomes white. there is something to be said about clean cuts
and the finality and power of goodbyes (helo madonna) and then again she is a good friend who sometimes had
my back when I really needed her.

otro toro: I am either getting urges or my horny is coming back in full force (we are at no O day 7) or both.
so the foulness of mine mood might also stem from withdrawal, too.

discernment whats what is always a good idea, but also a bit impossible.
I'll have to close them hatches and expect some rough terrain. but that was always
going to be part of it, and I have travelled these waters before.

this is from today:

Relapsed to MO. Never made a strict commitment to not do that, but now I feel its what I need to do.

Trying to get away from numbing behaviour and being fit enough to date people, and MO can fuck up both.

Having a shit day, and I am not sure why, exactly.

In play are withdrawal (probable, but hard to measure), the kinda hurtful situation on the weekend (definitely, still have that in me bones) and the
MO today (probable, but hard to measure, as it wasn't PMO which sinks mood sometimes like a tungsten anchor would sink a paper boat).

Admission time:
While I have not been watching porn as in porn on the internet I have a habit of sometimes filming myself.

Used to do that for my (generally problematic) ex and it has survived our relationship as a holdover and replacement for
porn sometimes. I do not think it's the most problematic of my habits ( I look okay but not THAT hot :3) but it definitely played
a role in todays MO. It has by no means the same effect as porn, but same time it does bring me into certain moods.

If one would be in the mood for some humanities style brainfuckery, one might argue that I "performatively took back my power
and replaced countless, anonymous strangers with the thing I have that is most of me - myself - thus emancipating myself ... bla bla performativity ... bla bla Geusenwortkonzept ... bla bla Panoptikum".

But I am not. I will treat it as the amusing, impossible to relate to Granny TM by product of my long struggle with le pron and le leif
and store it away to some USB drive to make myself sad over in 10 years when I am older and less appealing looking.

Gods look away from the stupid stuff I do ^.-