...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

One week since that talk. Hardly think of them.

Summer is nice. Apart from work, alot of running around, doing things, some crushes and the like. Nothing too serious, but its nice seeing new perspectives.

Have an upcoming convo with the boss. Need to get out of that job.

PMO is not a thing I am thinking about currently. Last week felt a bit rocky, but I kinda lost that feeling.

 

Five years I have had this account here. Five years of coming back, going away, trying learning, bla bla.

Quite some time. Maybe time for a from end front to end read, look and remember was has happened.

 

Have been reading my own journal. Took notes sometimes, sometimes no.

It's hard. It's hard reading how hopeful I was, so often, and knowing that I would fail again.

Around the time my ex boyfriend left me, some years ago, I almost couldn't continue.

I will stop reading for tonight.

its early days, I am on day 2 of nicotine withdrawal, (P)MO, gaming, alcohol, all o that shite.

my favourite game, here's to not losing it.

I really don't believe I have much of a chance of beating all these things if I do not do it at the same time.
I might be wrong. I have a lot of data on failed attempts now (although I did not write that much when
relapsing, but still, you can infer shit.)

we'll see. time to dance, again.

 

I have read my journal, from start to finish, over the course of almost a month.

It was pretty hard at times.

To have the spoiler knowledge of my failure, to read myself completely lost in overthinking, to relive some fucking low-points.

Also a lot of stuff I had forgotten. I can be clever and then forget about it, apparently.

Currently on day 4.

Went for a long walk with a friend. Very high impact emotionality, which is normal for me on nicotine withdrawal. I have become more comfortable
with non-standard expressions in public.

I am holding on. Feeling completely asexual today. Had a gay dating app, deleted it today. Fucking hate that abyssmal meat market.

Can you believe someone tagged me with a "looking for people to show up in my onlyfans videos" account? They prolly just mass spammed that,
I am not saying that to flatter myself, but the irony: You tryna run from porn, and look for contacts, then you meet people who want you to make porn.

Anyhow.

Plan is to keep doing this for 30 days, until then, no booze. Nicotine withdrawal doesn't take forever with me to run out, but this month
will basically just be depression, lite. I am okay with that, and I will embrace it a as the price of admission when it comes.
After reading my journal here, I am (once more, bla bla) convinced hard mode is the best way, if not the only one.

I am currently blessed with a merciful flatline, which I appreciate, cos handling the aggression and confusion of nicotine withdrawal is enough
to keep me busy. Tomorrow I will be working again, and I am not looking forward to that. I will need to stay away from people to a degree.

Normally I can keep my tongue in check, but on withdrawal I just sometimes listen to the mean shit I am saying without much brain space dedicated to editing.
I have zero qualms about telling people I am quitting smoking and might be short-tempered, tho.

Tired now, too unfocused to write much more.

 

Yesterday was fun. Nicotine withdrawal had me at an uppity happy aggressive mood.

Like I thought, I gave some people some lip at the office. They are not unused to my verbal capacities, but none of them know me in that specific "Aufs maul!?!" / in your face mood. They certainly learned something!

Also I ran into my desk, toppling some screens.

All in all a smooth, suave day -.-

Mood is okay, but I am getting these night moments where you wake up and birds eye view your shitty life decisions with 20/20 clarity. Bit ouchy, but in the end thats the reason I am doing all of this shite.

Also, I feel the flatline is coming to an end. Would not have minded to have some more time just 1 v 1 ing the nicotine part of my addiction before that whole hell breaks loose.

But then again, I embraced this turning into an inholy Fratzengeballer shitfest rather sooner than later, from the word go.

Feels a bit like playing a king of the hill type fighting game versus all of my vices. The prize is control of my brain, the game is infinite.

Good luck, have fun xD

 

Still on course. Feel like shit, but that is within whats expected, maybe even necessary.

Nicotine withdrawal is at times enough to render me useless at work. Confused as fuck and urges to throw or break shit. Have communicated my nicotine withdrawal to my boss, as my work was shit today and yesterday.

Kind of glad I can do the old one for two with quitting errything at once. Smoking cessation is close to a carte blanche at least for a week or so.

Had a weird exchange with a friend recently who mentioned they would maybe want to have something with me occasionally, but would have to confer with their SO.

At first I was flattered, as I used to gave a huge crush, but now I'm sorta pissed, cos it feels like a half assed attention grab and they played the whole thing down next time we communicated.

I have spent too much time on these back and forth game playin hacks. Won't make a decision on it now, as withdrawal is not the time for the most clear headed calls, but I have a half a feeling I might just leave them behind.

 

So. Flatline is receding like I fear my hairline receding. Woke up with wood twice now.

Funny: Came here cause I missed that, now it can feel like a mixed blessing. Shouldn't complain.

I'm still in that awkward shifting state between having used recently and not using now. Apart from media consumption/gaming which I did in some moderation. I was aiming for zero with that, but I'm okay with not doing that hardcore mode.

I absolutely do not want to keep watching as much useless shit and distracting myself with games as I used to, and the more I can replace it sooner than later, the quicker I should get out of that zombie autopilot stage, but eh, its still the part where I give myself some leeway.

On the constructive side, I want to start doing yoga somewhat more often in the future, heard of a group in my new area. My old one has never gotten back together after Covid started and I only recently gave up hope they ever will.

 

Close shave. Couldn't sleep, then when I did, woke up with morning wood. Started touching my own person, pardon my Belgian.

Seems that might be the wooden stake through the vampire heart of my ambition to be clean if I don't find a good way to tackle it.

Okay thats a weird and botched metaphor right there but at least it helped me get away from being horny for MO. Brain is still in a mood to misbehave. Like I know I'm sorta halfway there. Fucks sake.

Okay, I think I'm over it know. Time for some more zleep. Let Withdrawcula sleep in peace. :3

 

Guys, withdrawcula is a pile of ashes.
Relapsed to MO a lot and some dumb porn browsing.

Okay, morning wood is going to be an issue. Like, a real one.

I have no real idea how to tackle it. Going to the toilet right after waking, going for a walk right after waking are options I am considering, but I wake up in the woods at weird times, I'm not sure if thats a good strat.

Also, I have, quite obviously, never been good with keeping any real routine.

Time to go storm shopping or brain farting or idea scrubbing or however your exec calls it.

 

That's brutal, I hear you.

I believe Norm Macdonald referred to this act as "laying down beside oneself"
Godspeed drifter man.

 

Eyoooo doper! thanks. I need it.

I am at the fighting part. Relapse, reform, relapse, retaliate. Last week it just took me apart, in regards to porn and gaming.
I held on to not-smoking tho. still do. ground conceded, ground held at a cost.

often I feel I might be fighting, but its such a messy, brutish way of trying to do it. but I see no, I have no other way but try try try again.
just because I cannot do it today, does not mean...

and so on.

trying to cut out porn and gaming next and limit media consumption while keeping away from smoking.

depression is starting to hit. November is pretty bleak, too.

I get some strength and energy from knowing that the only way I can see to freedom is by having these feelings, now and for as fucking long as it takes.
I get some strength just from that spiteful defiance.

My mental state is in a bad way, but not an unfixable ome. I know how to do it, but under the given circumstances, everything become a scrappy low resources situation.
While this is not where I would like to be, the addiction switching to porn/gaming when quitting nicotine has taken its toll. No use complaining, just need to slowly, incrementally
repair.

 

Further down the river road.

Managed to stay clean of binging media and pmo since monday.
Watched some youtube stuff and played about an hour and a half of vidya gaems, but thats about it. Bit of M, but neither O nor P.

(Welcome to count the days since the last abbreviation for jerking off with Count Withdrawcula.)

I noticed something. I have a tendency for intrusive repetitive thoughts that I sometimes say out loud like the muttering madman that I am.

I sometimes tried to stop that, but never got anywhere. Now I figured something out, being off the things that normally numb me: Whenever these repetitive thoughts come up, there was an unconfortable, ocky thought that came before that. Mostly stuff that is connected with the current day. For instance, yesterday I felt bad about having done a bad job at work. And then I get that out of context, intrusive thought, and forget the thing about the job.

Like I grab a dull old pain template and smack it onto the icky thought of the moment. I mean it sort of works: I then don't think about what I didn't think about anymore. At the cost of being further away from my own self and reiterating bad old ideas about myself.

I have started to use these inteusive thoughts as sort of markers for uncomfortable thoughts I need to process and let go off rather than plaster over by insano self talk.

 

Been feeling like shit lately. Might be a bit the withdrawal, as well as a cold.

I'm kind of okay feeling like shit these days tho. I feel its part of a process or something. Heads a bit clearer. Often bored. No real idea where I want to go with my life, but thats okay.

Was very dysregulated yesterday. I appreciate I have to get into some habits like yoga, journalling, meditating if I want to combat that.

Fully appreciate that this exact thing is what drives me into using.

That terrible feeling of being all wrong, all warped and misconstructed.

I do not like feeling it as sharply as I did yesterday. But I appreciate that learning to better deal with it is the fucking crux of this whole underraking.

So, having the unveiled, undampened issue in front of me, as painful as it may be, is a good thing.

I'm thankful it is November. I would loathe feeling as shit in a month of spring or summer.

 

Brain spinnin faster now. Still dampened, squeaky. But sharper with time. Pushed back the mists of using, a bit, for a moment.

I've come to this familiar place, where I have stood, pushing against the currents of my habits, time and time before.

Where you need to do a transit from brute force knockin walls down with yer skull into ...something else.

I have carried myself this far, to this point where I can see how the thing that binds me does not really exist.

Today I read a long ass text I wrote a year ago about this exact point of this journey. I have known these things for years. So hard to listen to your own damned self. So hard to remember.

And now to press on, past this point, explore whats beyond.

 

I was in a mood to fuck things up yesterday, as I had been drinking last Saturday. I somehow didn't, tho there was some questionable behaviour.

Trying a new morning routine starting today. Always been shit at those. We'll see if this one is different. I hope so.

Staying in bed too long in the morning and then feeling shit cos I mishandled my time is a common issue.

 

Alright, alright. Things have changed.

Does not feel like a war of attrition without supply lines on my side. I have moved out of enough bad and into enough good habits that I feel I have more ressources at hand than when I started a month ago.

There is that trope of superpowers that rain down on you when you stop raining down on your bedroom furniture to the dancing pixels. Never been much of a subscriber to it, I like escapist power fantasies as much as the next humanthing, but I'm aware they are fantasies. But I really do appreciate the difference it makes when I am not that foggy and messy in the brainspace. Have not been as clear headed in I don't fucking know, probably that one streak in 2018.

And thats a win.

 

@dark red drifter vessel Hey I'm glad it doesn't feel like as much of a war after a while. I just hate feeling like I'm always fighting in No Man's Land, back and forth, never gaining ground.

 

Ya. Lived in that district for some time. Lets hope I won't go for a visit.

Have a date of sorts tonight. Kind of looking forward and also trying to stay open to what might or might not happen.

...

Now that I read that I realize that bullshit. I wanna getting laid, no point in beating round the bush. Huh.

 

Well, that went nowhere. Huh.

Was solls. I have met that girl on a handful of occasions and her indeciveness has finally broken my interest up in little interest-pieces which I now smoke in my care-no-more pipe made from bones of childrens dreams.

Or some shit like that.

Boring! Next.

 

Work on yourself, create your best version of you and you will find what you really deserve.

Keep up the good work, my friend.