...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I feel I am going insane. Precisely from the movement in perspective that comes with trying to better this affliction.
    Laughable, but: I yearn for change, yet now that she stands at the door, waiting for me to step through it, I feel, well, what?

    Change is upon me and there's a price to pay for everything. And, for a long time, I will not be used to being like I am becoming, if that makes sense.
    Lately my ability to express myself seems diminished. But I can't do anything but follow, wherever it takes me.

    Hah! And all of this endlesss journey here started with an issue seemingly as simple as "dick no worksie, boy sad."
    Life sure be a long song.

    PS: DE post from yesterday has been translated, if anyone cares.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Woah. I was just complaining to myself in my head of mine how hard everything is, especially the mornings. Yadda yadda.

    Fucks sake, dude, will you never be happy? First you complain how you cannot stop, now that you can, you complain how you can, but its hard.

    I can do this, no matter how much kicking and screaming I'll do, and I should be proud of that, not conplain its hard. Get some bloody perspective, self.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  3. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Okay, I have this under some semblance of control, meaning my addiction patterns in their colorful diversity and to a degree my own person, too.

    I need a new problem. Well, no, I need to face an old problem, more like.

    Maybe I am wrong, but I feel if I just keep playing this king of the hill game with my very base instincts won't get me anywhere. I need to press on, gain more ground, get yet more control over myself and stop wasting so much time.

    Much of the reason I use is rooted in the frankly inordinate, debilitating amount of anxiety a certain type of taking care of my own life give me. For that reason I have worked less, earned less, got less money (from tax returns, unemployment money) and suffered needless hardships. I avoided having any real career and worked jobs that I happened upon, or that happened upon me.

    And my situation is way less stable as it could be. I would be considered precariate, I guess.

    The anxiety this gives me is the prime reason I use. Using makes these issues more pressing.

    Have to break that circle. Will be ugly, emotionally, but I have been putting it off for way too long, and I need some other matter to distract me from all the MO shite, I am not good when I have too much free time on my hands

    I'll give myself three days to warm up. I have some mental preparations to do.

    Day negative 3.
    Pete McVries, Deleted User and Doper like this.
  4. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Well man, I'll tell you something. I know many people who do very well ( as we all do), who would not be considered part of the Precariat. That's a good word, I had to look it up, which gets to my point. Your ability to write in English is better than mine, and I'd bet, most of those people who make lots of money that I know. English is their FIRST language. When some of these people text me, it is generally a spelling and grammar abomination. So I think you'll be just fine.
    It honestly makes me almost angry seeing how well you and others on this board use a non-native language. I'd be interested to know how you went about learning because I went through a good ten grades of foreign language lessons and I still just know English....and not as well as you and some other non-natives, seemingly.
    Pete McVries and Deleted User like this.
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Why thank you, Doper.

    Learning English? Dunnow. As a teen I would, when drunk, start talking English to anybody. I was drunk as a teen, once or twice. o_O Theatre I ran with used to both travel and get guests from abroad, so there was contact.
    Also I gave up getting a nice accent or getting the grammar right and just used what I have. No fucks given and you talk more, so you talk better, eventually. And there is no good German TV imho, really, so once you can watch original stuff, you do not go back. Except for Bruce Willis, bc his real voice is boring compared to the DE voice actor. Seriously. Apart from all of that, I guess it's my thing I guess, and I got formal training as well. And a British flatmate.

    I guess it's kind of a curse and a boon, everyone kind of understands EN natives (except for Manchester and London, I just can't) so you do not really have the trouble, but you also don't have the motivation, maybe?

    Day negative 2. Anger issues today. Project we're supposed to get the final bookkeeping files in just won't end. Been chasing a few wrong cents for three hours, then went home before I threw the laptop at my coworker.

    Still. Kind of feel these to be the last somewhat chill days before I go on to the next project, from just holding down my addictive patterns to actually getting to my structural troubles.
    But I also feel antsy, I want to go further. Am at that weird intersection, a twilight of sorts, no longer where I was, not having arrived, in that awkward adolescent stage, mid shapeshifts, bones all wrong.
    I know I can still fuck it all up; and I also feel that that becomes more and more unlikely. There is that saying, hybris precedes ones downfall, and I don't wanna jinx it, but still.

    I think I'm pushing through, finally. Wasn't cheap, but now I seem to be able to do it. Didn't plan on going sober, for instance, but it works and I think I might just take it, run, never look back.
    Pete McVries and Deleted User like this.
  6. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Active Member

    Hey I just realized you’re German. I live in Germany too, although I am American. I wish I learned your language as easily as you learned mine.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Ha, I mean dude, its not a side skill for me, but part of my field of expertise.

    So, time to go to the next project. It won't be fun and I feel I might get triggered a lot and want to use a lot and be a bitch (mostly in empty rooms and not to anyone present) a lot.

    All the good stuff. But I need to change from me avoiding this to me going towards things. And that will be a fucky process, no two ways about it. Well. Enough prologue, let's get to it.
    Deleted User and Pete McVries like this.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Filed for a freelance tax number, in a country that openly circle jerks to having one of the most complicated tax laws.

    I probably fucked it up fives times, but hey, at least I did it. Soon I can invoice my work hours, which have been piling up.

    Will be working for the game testing company again. The pay is shit, the jobs insane but I have some nostalgia (which I'll prolly burn through like a five year old through a bar of chocolate) and some old colleagues I'm looking forward to meeting again.
    Shady, Deleted User and Pete McVries like this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Ich mag das.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    We got a lot of DE skilled ppl around here for some reason, don't we.

    Had a bit of a meh day yesterday. Half of it went fine with journalling, cleanibg the kitchen, doing this weeks groceries, having a walk with my Dad, the other half was kinda stupid, sitting alone in my room watching youtube and the expanse.

    It's one thing cutting down bad behaviour, another to come up with great behaviour. Feels a bit like wasted time, and I was browsing steam and gog for a bit, in that mindless, excited drone like seeking mode we prolly know from porn.

    Gaming (as in vidya games) is a bit weird for me. Sometimes it's an addiction that can nail me to the chair for days. And by that, I absolutely mean I can sit in a chair for about a day, play games and only get up three times, and rarely, but it happens, not at all. Like complete junkie gaming mode.

    And sometimes I find it a nice thing to spend some time on, and I play in moderation. With porn and smoking I am absolutely determined to never touch them again. Alcohol and weed, I'm pretty convinced I might not touch em again. (Although, even writing this feels weird. Never? Really? Are you sure? Bla bla. Shut up, brain, no one likes you and you're ugly.)

    Gaming? I'm super fence sitty.

    We'll see. My flatmates are getting on my nerves. Partially because they are there, and partially because of who they are. It's a good sign of sorts, because whenever I move on in self development, there's people I lose.

    Because I change, or raise my expectations, or I understand their hangups better and can no longer tolerate their foolishness. Goes both ways, too. There's ppl who moved on from me for that exact same reason.

    I take it as a sign I'm changing. And I'm beginning to understand that getting into the financial position to get my own flat is a wonderful goal for me to work on. Regardless whether or not I want to move out, I want to be able to do it.

    I used to always live with people, sometimes just one, sometimes we were 9 or 10.

    For context: In Berlin, living with people in shared flats is common. Partially due to economics, partially due to ppl not wanting to be crazed lonrrs, or stuck up with their "loved" ones, and who can blame them.

    I was raised that way, and I tend to comically, drastically stop functioning as a person when I live alone. But maybe that time us over, and it is time to get a place where I do not hear ppl talk from the two adjacebt rooms. And one of them talks for days and I'm tiring of their voice.

    We're still friends but I feel I might want my own space, now that I am also more in control of my own life.
    Pete McVries and Deleted User like this.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Shit. I just found myself touching myself. I focused, snapped my fingers and let the mood go, then focused, snapped my fingers, got out of the beds where I had been watching youtube like a creature, put on some music and started cleaning my room. Almost fourteen days. I haven't gotten that far in who's fucking counting days, how about that, how are we today.

    Weekends man. Should be forbidden. Give me time to spend on myself, you monsters. :3
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Trouble sleeping last night, depressed mood during the day. Visited a hardcore depressed friend of mine. Sounds dark, but finding someone more depressed sort of helps.

    After a long weekend I'm looking forward to more work tomorrow. Mood could be better, but depression is something I can handle. Within reason. Fucking illusions, telling you you are losing the battle when you're doing okay really. Annoying. But whatever, I'm not going to be less depressed (not that that would be my primary goal) if I start using again, so, as always, there's but one way, and that is forward, and the last two weeks have shown I am capable of doing that.

    So fucking onwards it is.
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Yo, first relapse dream of this season. I usually hate "it was all just a dream" endings. Not complaining this time.
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Have to make a decision on whether or not I do two weeks of work on a project that is annoying, as far as a colleague has told me.

    Exactly the kind of decision I am ultra bad at. Good chance to learn something.
  15. Mudshovel

    Mudshovel Active Member

    Wait, like a wet dream? Why do you call it a relapse dream haha. Are you counting days still?
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    I will break this. I will break this. I will break this. No matter how messy it gets, no matter how ugly it looks, no matter.

    This is the issue at the heart of my issues, that terror that sears, blinds, nullyfies any agency.

    If I was a praying man, I would. Am not, have to go alone, nothing but myself and what power I can hold in myself, over myself, despite myself
    over this thing sitting on my heart when I do certain things, that interdict, that says NO when you ask to live, that binding curse.

    Trauma, primal wound, satan, Jeanette, Jimmiy Bob, Santa, I do not know what to call you, but I MUST go through you if I am to be free, one day, one day.

    And I will, blood and bloody ashes, but I will.

    No lock no key no panic attack no urge no temptation no slights taken nor injuries, real or narcissstic in nature, no wall no moat no gate no fear no shame none of that will stand in my way.
    Not indefinitely. Maybe now, maybe there is resistance, maybe I am broken and slow and afraid and all of that shit but if there is one thing I know, in my bones, in my blood, I have to do,
    my one task in this absurd existance, then it is to go past you, all of you, and break out.

    Calm now. Accept the insanity in front of you, inside of you, accept you not being a creature of logic pure, accept there is something both very wild and very bound in you.
    Carry it further. You have to crawl? That's still movement. You feel shameful? Weak? Cool. Appreciate your ability to look at that shite, and flinch less, every time.
    You feel insane? Well. Take pride in your ability to hold all that, feel all that, and still move. You moving? That means whatever burden you might carry - carry it you do.

    See, childe, it's all tricks and illusions, once you've pushed through that ...thing and look back. Keep going. Just keep going. Calm now.
    Shady and Pete McVries like this.
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Nah, just a dream in which I had PMO.
    I don't think I ever had a wet dream.

    Lots of works. Great content, horrible translation of it. The industry standard of the pay peanuts get monkeys variety.

    I'm quite happy with not having too much time atm. Also been making some headway with my document bullshit. Feels like shit and it has me having a panic attack, literally, but hey. Whatever the cost, eh?

    Urges have f'd off, apart from some morning wood. But I have that under control. Crucial bottleneck. Big win. Huzza.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Was greedy for coffee yesterday, drank two cans of espresso in a row like an absolute idiot, got super excited, touched myself for a while, phantasized, got out before I fucked it all up.

    Most painful blueballs of my short and playful life, fuck me dead.

    Helped two friends install shit in their kitchen, at least I wasn't completely useless while suffering through that like a creature.

    Coffee, oh you last neurotoxin in my life, thou hast betrayed me in a manner most foule, we shall duel with teaspoons at the crack of dawn!

    Pete McVries likes this.
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Mh. Urge for porn, specifically, normally it's just urge for MO. Cold shower time now.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    My, that was a hard weekend. I'm starting to hate weekends. Don't tell my boss, he'll get ideas.

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