...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Uh. Depressive phase ahead. Have been expecting this. Homeground advantage for me. I have lived here many years and know these parts quite well.

Day 14.

 

Rage. Blind, aggressive, howling rage. All mine. Can someone order popcorn?

Day 15

 

Mood stabilizing. Got a bit of them depri vibes in the past two days, and there'll likely be more, but it's not my first time in these mud pits, so its as likely to influence my course as the weather.

Much love to not giving a fuck!

 

Mayor nicotine trigger. Didn't give into it, but boy, that was a hard one. Felt like I haf already lost control.

When your brain tries to bullshit you into believing you already made the devision to use.

Bad brain! Off with you to the valley of shame, think about what you did wrong. Insubordination des eigenen Geistes, kein Wunder, dass ich so nicht weit komme.

 

Have no better way to express it, but my brain feels a bit like your leg feels when you've sat on it too long.

Bit like when I had aura before seizures, back in my epileptic heyday.

At least it's not getting boring. Hah.

 

Could be a sign that your brain is healing?

Well done for beating the 'decision already made' AKA 'I know I'm going use' frame of mind. That has got me a few times, we need to keep on making good choices.

 

Yup, these moments are like the addictions a-game, sort of.

Three weeks today, huh. Onwards.

 

Uh. Hard times. Relapsed to MO, and phone sex with the ex. Need to stay away from her. It was super exiting and I felt like shit afterwards. Not sure why.

Also, unrelatedly, my boyfriend left me. Huh. When you get used to people, they run away, eh?

Fucks sake.

At least I haven't picked up smoking again, or drinking. Go me!

 

Shit. Miss him miss him miss him. Haven't slept. Went on a daytrip with friends. Bit over my limits. All the little lights flash red. Bla.

 

Mood stabilizing around low expectation/okay with that position.

Work is still annoyingly structured but helps.

Sober in regards to alcohol, nicotine and huffing glue for a month now. Some incidents of MO, no porn, apart from some close calls. Bit too much netfkix/youtube binging last week, for my taste.

Situation generally improved, no need to stop now. I don't think my man will come back to me, but at least the pain of it all is an excellent driver. It's still undecided, I loathe the waiting till he's made up his bloody mind, but I also do not look forward to resolving the issue, as I think he'll do the ditching thing.

Still not smoking. Something has got to work in all of this. Thats enough for me, to be honest.

 

Getting used to the thought of being single again. Mood rather stable. Will need to plan out the weekend, or I am likely to do something stupid.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. I hope you guys can somehow fix this. Et kütt wie et kütt, right?

 

Hey! do something good for yourself this weekend! You deserve well! Love yourself!!

 

Thanks guys.

Et kütt wie et kütt, right?

In der Tat. :3

Weird thing I noticed: Not that it is measurable, but I have a lot less thoughts of self pity. Murakami would be proud.
I mean there still is pain. But that pity feeling, where you happily lean into how MEAN it all is.

Gone, baby, gone. Where to? No idea. For longer or for a mere few days? Fuck me if I know.
What a great and liberating non-emotion.

 

We dead in the water, fam. We got let go off, romantically liquidated, ditched.

Gods, but I miss him so much. What an idiot.

Freefall, at the moment. Have to address it. Now. Can't wait.

 

@dark red drifter vessel hey! I'm so sorry! Wishing you better days!!! They will come!!!

 

Did not decide to have this happen to me. Need to decide what I do from now on. Or rather, why.
Plans did not change that much, but I kind of lost my reason, my sorta home. Funny, hadn't realized
it was centered so much in my relationship. How important that was. Not that I did not appreciate my
dude, but there was so much stuff to do and live through, had not much spare time for introspection.
It is not a bad thing that it was to me, what it was and is now gone.

Just means I have to work and build a new "why" now that that is over. Preferrably one that does not
depend on being single or in a relationship or in whatever.

Feel much of it is about how to allocate attention. The problems I avoid via addiction need attention, until
they are issues no more. All the emotional reasons for doing the addictive thing feel like attempts to divide
my attention away from the issues that feel akward, threatening, insurmountable. And all my unwillingness
and discomfort with paying actual attention to my own person, huh.

Where I direct that thing, attention, seems to be a key thing for the whole mess.

 

Going through break up emotional decomposing. Everything changes. Watched porn today for the first in a long time. Don't know why.

Feel like my life is this huge ass ship, drifting empty and cold through space. I wander through its corridors, lost.
I have no idea how to fix its drives. Or where to go, what goal to set. I can survive, but its not living, really.
I have tools, but no reason to employ them. My heart, my core is blank.

Like a golem with no scroll in its head. We've been here before. We've done this before. Ages past. A decade ago. More.
I came out on top back then - or at least out I did get come out of it.

Remember. Go back, build what you need. Call allies. Get busy. We cannot stay here.
Purpose is broken. Make a new one.

 

Not handling this well.

 

Hang in there. Purpose may be broken, but there ain't no way porn going to fix.

In a relationship it is natural to growth to together, becoming entwined. Now you have to unravel and remember what makes you you.

Good luck!