...at least we can joke about it now, what do I know

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by dark red drifter vessel, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I've heard it from many guys before here, but weekends are the killer. Pretty much ruined mine starting with getting drunk on thursdays night and never really getting over the hangover till yesterday night, doing lots of dumb stuff from then on.

    Moods been in the shitter since. Should cross the beers and whatnot from the list, my. Cannot do this. Can't. Sposed to be fun but its shit. Well hello, obvious epiphany number 427.

    Ach ja.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah. Wrestling with it, some many bad ideas in my head. Be still mind, cold water, let go. Forgive. Breathe.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey, yeah that's tough. I think sometimes drinking and/or drugs can do a lot more harm to our lives then we realize. When it comes to trying to get just a bit of control of my sexual urges, if I am out of control with drinking or drugs (mostly it was weed for me), I don't stand a lot of chances (if any?). Trying to beat (or get a handle on) a kind of sex/porn addiction is pretty difficult, so I think it's important to have a good basis to work from. Some healthy habits.

    I had some increasingly bad alcohol hangovers. Those emotional hangovers and anxiety hangovers. They were really bad. And I think the drinking, the smoking up, it's closely linked with the cravings for the sexual rush. It's all linked up... Still hard to control the sexual cravings even sober, but if not, it's that much harder to find the way out.

    I think it's cool that you're here trying to find your footing though and I hope you feel better.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ya, thats true. Managed this weekend better, not that I didn't drink at all, but more in moderation. Better.

    Have been no O for a week now, which is nice and it has been a while I got this far. Bit of insomnia last night, annoying, but some things you'll just have to weather. Onwards, grumpy but on the move. Good.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Fall again, fail again, then up again. Roads full o splinters and shite under my bare feet. Walk on, some part of my brainthing says, go ye, get the fuck on.

    So we do it, y otra vez, encore un foi, nochma mit Jefühl.

    Sysyphos I get you man. Feel you. Fun thing, these cycles we go thru. What else is there but try? Fucking nothing. It's a life alright.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Sort of: writers block. or some like that.

    only so much time in the day, not much spare time for much during the week. mostly eat work sleep in a row.
    then weekend, then drunk, then hangover then monday. two circular schedules, both boring as fuck.

    used to know how to make stuff. like writing shit. stories, prep for tabletop, the works.
    kind of lost it. needs digging. want back in.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Nothing left to be said. Said it too often, cannot say it again. Like with an exam I took once: first time I told everyone. I failed. We all did. Expedition ending in a general state of KIA. Took it again, for some reason of either pride or persistance. Told no one, the words were burnt from me lips.

    Have embarked on this trip far too often. Cannot tell a soul. But you guys. So, thanks for that. For there's gonna be a civil war within me, nothing, bloody nothing was ever civil bout that, nor ever will be.

    To battle, my children. I stand at that beach, the broken forms of all my past attempts like shipwrecked vessels littering it. And I cannot do anything but try swim. I'm not a praying man, by any stretch, I'm as firm in my faith in not being able to know anything as can be, nothing of death, nothing of the divine, nothing of all o that, but here I am, standing ashore, having to set sail with nothing but my own frail body and mind.

    Holy cold wash over me. Cannot remain like I am and be a person. Have nothing in me hands, nothing on that treacherous mind of mine, have only my own self, whatever that might amount to, to help me.

    Have not a soul to tell. Here I go, down that road, into the valley, the pit, into these wild and cold waters, once more.

    Day negative one.
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    What motivates you? What are you looking forward to once you got this under control? What consequences do you fear if you remain addicted and keep relapsing?

    What got the ball rolling for me after years and years of relapsing was that by coincidence after relapsing for the last time, I skimmed through a journal of a fifty something year old man who has been addicted to porn his whole life. I think, he was from Portland where there are a lot of sex shops and porn cinemas and porn is basically always around the next corner. He recalled his younger days of watching and collecting VHS porn and buying magazines and so on and forth. He ended his reminiscence with the statement that he has once downloaded porn via torrents again and is still in the trap of his porn addiction while regretting a lot of life choices.

    Reading this one and a half year ago made me realize that I was basically reading my own words from my future self. Replace VHS tapes with DVDs, magazines with folders of porn images and a few other things but my life could have probably unfolded like his did. And in that moment something clicked and despite the fact that I was a depressed derelict at that time, I managed to abstain from porn from then on. Of course, I had to adapt to a few things and porn always challenges you to relapse just for one last time (you can always start tomorrow again, amirite.gif) but somehow it worked out. I'm very aware of the fact that my recovery is perhaps a product of chance but man, there are always ways to increase or decrease your odds.

    In the end, developing a lasting mindset, an unwavering belief that there is no other way than to abstain from PMO in order to be able to possibly lead a fulfilling life was pivotal. Perhaps, developing some kind of crude life vision and making yourself aware that the PMO lifestyle probably hinders you getting there could be crucial for you.
    Living and NewStart19 like this.
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    What motivates you?

    What I feel is necessity. The thing that is most detrimental to my life ( if had to pick) is lack of focus. Years back I read a slogan on a wall: Money was never the problem, energy is. Some time later I read a variation or rather counter to that one: Energy was never the problem, focus is. That and drive. No need to wade deeper in the waters of "Saying really clever shite in one sentence". I can concentrate on problem solving hardly, and I lack drive.

    I'm like a dog, man. (not to shit on dogs here, even as I am a super non animal person) Reacting to outward stimuli that seem nice or the ones that threaten severe punishment. I'm like a car with not fucking engine. Whenever I manage to abstain for a while, I feel something coming back to me, best described as, well, will? Yup, that sums it up. I am motivated because I feel I can get my will back.

    What are you looking forward to once you got this under control?

    Being able to make better decisions, which in all honesty amounts to: Any decisions. I am adrift in that category. What happens to me, happens to me, now as I am. I have long figured out that my lack of having a directing mind is the primary blocker in my little life that hinders me from doing a lot of shit. So, I am looking forward to having a better control of my time, my fate and what happens in my life.

    What consequences do you fear if you remain addicted and keep relapsing?

    My current relationship WILL leave me, and sooner or later I WILL end up in huge financial troubles due to mismanagement of one kind or another all the while being stuck in a weird, time consuming and bloody underpaid medium to high skill job (70 cent over minimum wage) all the while all the things I could have done WILL follow me like an army of future christmases and I WILL drift away from friends and family who'll at some point have rightfully given up. Then, some day, I'll die, not having been the person I was ...supposed to? "Supposed to be" would infer there'd be any kind of outward, teleological plan and I super minus five don't believe in that crap, really, really don't. Words man, they weird.

    Can better express it on my mother tongue: Ich würde leben und sterben und mir uneigentlich gewesen sein.

    Thats the rough, wordy outline of it. And since I have some experience with myself I have to be honest to myself and accept that any kind of partial solution isn't going to cut it. I'm not looking at Porn as an addiction. I am not looking at gaming as an addiction. I am not looking at alcohol as an addiction. I am not looking at nicotine as an addiction. I am not looking at masturbation as an addiction. I am not looking at mindless browsing as an addiction, at Netflix and youtube binging.

    It's all of these wonderful things that I managed to screw up for myself combined as an addiction. It's a whole weather system of avoidant and addicted behaviour patterns intertwined and interlinked like all hel. Cannot try to minimize one of its aspects and let the rest be. Well, I certainly tried, often enough. Doesn't work.

    So I'll have to cut it all out and accept the fact that I have lost all control over these things, activities and positions in life. I know this to be patently short sighted as a general strategy. Because, you know, I am quite weak in the strategy department. So I'll do a generalized fast from all that crap, since after a while of doing that I might come to my senses and get my will back. And then I can decide what I am going to do with the rest of my life, or the next bloody week, or whatever. At the moment, that's just not really an option. I have tried and failed at that many a time, lots of crushed attempts on the shore, to pick up that metaphor.

    I'm with stupid, na, I am the stupid.

    Day zero. Tomorrow will be fun.
    Pete McVries and Shady like this.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    So slow. Fell asleep at my job five times yesterday. Went home made dinner went to bed. Day two.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Still very slow and lacking focus, with occasional bouts of rage. Quite normal for nicotine withdrawal. Weird. I actually appreciate having to wear a mask these days, no need for my facial expressions to be public atm.

    Day three.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Getting some mental clarity back. Didn't sleep long, but feel well rested. Sharp, pointed outbursts of anger. At times I struggle for words, thoughts. Nothing really bothersome. Body feels weird at times, like it isn't really the one I have had all my life. All of this: passing sensations.

    Day four.
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Day four, second entry.

    Weekend. This is not the time to relax, as you should know, but need constant reminding of. It will get difficult, you will get sidetracked, this is not a drill.

    So, all hands to battle stations and shields up. I'm hearing boss music.
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Day five.

    Sleep is either normalizing first time in a long time or just plain old being weird. I get really sleepy around 11:30 p.m. and I wake up absurdely early.

    Kinda like it. Feel a bit like a kid, when you wake up in the morning and you actually wanna go out and do stuff.
  15. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    And, between two heartbeats, red, temptation stands next to you and whispers: now!

    Be quick or be dead, dude. XD
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Continuing on.
    Masturbated twice on Sunday. Played some games.
    No porn. No drugs, no cigarettes, no coffee.

    Like how sobriety feels. Wake up early. Don't wanna drink. Am afraid for my relationship because of that, stupid as it sounds.
    But I don't wanna go back now. Keep going now.

    Day ten.

    Edit: Handed all my gaming accounts to Mr Boyfriend Dude. Would have deleted them, but as far as I researched that can take up to a month, during which you can rescind the deletion order thing. Not an option, kids. So, nother breach boarded up. Sail on, you fool.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2020
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah. Bit overwhelmed, a lot going on, in my life and around me. Bit dizzy from it all.

    But then again, I remember all these times when I feel like I wasn't really living, the cold, liquid dead mans time running through my heart, and I think, dude, this sure beats these times.

    Day eleven, I think.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Had two cups of coffee today, weird rush, didn't like it. Masturbated once yesterday, more from compulsion than for any pleasure. Still very much stuck on an ex that serves as a sort of focal point for sexual thoughts.

    Don't miss porn or smoking or drinking. Miss doing it with that ex, tho. Know I have to let these thoughts go, have a hard time doing it. No, wrong. Have absolutely no idea what to do bout that.

    Which is okay. While I am on a generalized retreat from the domains of my obsessions, I do know that it will take time and that not all things can be addressed at once.

    Had a weird sex dream the other night, which is usual for me after not watching porn for a while. Took it as a sign of things passing.
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Some people just have a knack for timing. Ex just texted me yesterday night, with a lot of her usual bs. Still, I'm kind of enticed, but not as much as I'd have been before when she came back after ditching me for the nth time. We have a sort of friends with benefits thing going on and my relationship with my dude is an open one in the way of fuck who you need to fuck. Not that I make much use of that right.

    Huh. Strategic debate time.
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Kept miss x at a distance. Normally, I'd have failed at that, this time it was comparatively easy.

    First time I feel a tangible increase in my ability to not fuck everythibg up. Thats nice.

    Day 13, I think?
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.

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