Ascetic's Journal (21 y.o. male)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Ascetic, Mar 15, 2012.

  1. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    I found this site through the NoFap community on reddit.

    Hello everyone, I'm really glad to be here with some others going through a similar struggle.

    This is part of a larger change I'm trying to make in my life. I'm your classic failure that ended up living at home, shut into his room, after dropping out of school and quitting work. I discovered porn at age 10 (image search engine), there were never any large periods of time in my life where I went without it since then.

    In the past, I have considered abstaining, because PMO took up more time than I would have liked, but every time I looked up information about it, it was always in the context of morality and religion and I'm completely non-religious, so that only had the opposite effect of convincing me I was okay. In the past couple of years, it seems to have escalated a lot (both in time and intensity), it got to the point where... well I don't even want to discuss the details, but I finally realized I may have a problem. It got to the point where I found myself planning to make time with my habit, even skipping out on responsibilities or turning down offers from others to "go out", and it has definitely affected my energy levels, I couldn't concentrate on anything for very long because my mind kept going back to PMO, I've slipped into a spiral of depression.

    To me, this isn't just about stopping PMO because my D2 receptors have downregulated, this about taking control of my life, because I always seem to be out of control.

    I need a job, I need responsibility, a schedule.
    I need to go back to school, for my future's sake.
    I need to spend more time socializing because we were not meant to be loners, including me.
    I want to know that I am in control of my desires, and my life, and not a slave. I don't want this to be me, and I want to believe change is possible.

    I need to learn self-control and moderation. I'm very socially liberal in my thinking, but even so, everything requires moderation, and I was past the point of moderation, and due to the cultural environment I grew up in, it never occurred to me to seriously consider PMO could be a problem--my generation grew up with it, and I think this may be a widespread problem that nobody is addressing yet.

    I don't think stopping PMO will be a magic pill for me, there seems to be a pattern in my life where I keep looking for an obstacle, try to cross it believing everything will magically get better, then it doesn't. I think the problem is more fundamental, I just need to learn some self-control and managing my priorities better, just being realistic and remembering what's important. And, imagine, for over a decade I've let myself become a slave to something and it's slowly gotten worse and worse. Freeing myself from this will help, but I can't stop there, I need to make self-control and self-mastery a habit in everything I do, I need to forget about everyone else, forget what anyone thinks or doesn't think, and just do what I do for me.

    And PMO is no small matter for me, it's easily my greatest temptation, I've forgone certain things, and haven't considered doing certain things in my life because I worried in the back of my mind, "But how will I have time for PMO?" If When I conquer this, I know I am in control of myself, and an individual.

    On another note, I've been weightlifting for almost a year which is strange, considering I do nothing else. I've been making good progress, and I think stopping PMO will improve my performance under the bar. I will pay attention to how abstinence affects me in the gym.

    I'm going to go for 90 days, I'm only on day 2, so far so good.

    My method of dealing with urges: Walk outside. It's that simple really. Looking in the past, it's an instant horny-killer and just being outside makes me feel good. If that doesn't work, I'll go to a nearby store and be in public with people.
  2. XmasTURbatorX

    XmasTURbatorX New Member

    Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to the forum!

    Stopping PMO habits is a big step and will get you many benefits but like you said it's not magical solution to every problem. But most guys around here start doing lots of things when they suddenly have more mental clarity and time at their hands when after giving up watching porn. I for example am going to focus more on schoolwork and start reading books regurlarly.

    I lift weights too. I don't think PMO had much if any effect on my results though. But increased focus can't be a bad thing for performance.

    Best of luck in your journey, here it begins!
  3. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    I just wanted to say quickly that I relapsed a few times. I went on a little binge over the weekend. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I don't want to hide it either, I figured I should let someone know. I also don't think I've "undone" all my progress which is silly considering how little I've used compared to what it used to be. I'm still confident about myself.

    I have a better idea of what my triggers are now, and I decided I'll have to be a little more extreme and strict with myself in order to beat this.

    Oh and, no matter how good you think it's gonna feel--it's not worth it.
  4. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey Ascetic,

    excellent that you're not beating yourself up. It's not the answer and it won't help either way. What's done is done. The important part is that you've learned your lesson.

    I think you should write down that saying "No matter how good you think it's gonna feel--it's not worth it". And look at it every time you feel like relapsing, that should help decide whether to relapse or not.
  5. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Just a quick entry... got home from work and it's 3:30 AM so... I relapsed again recently, I thought I'd tell someone.

    This is harder than I thought it would be... I told myself I wouldn't make a big deal about it, and in a way, that might make the rebooting process easier, but I'm starting to realize how deep this runs. I have an even better idea of my triggers now, and I'm going to be more adamant about avoiding situations where I may relapse. If I have to, I'll leave my apartment and go for a walk.

    Impatience is another trigger of mine. I'm going to have to learn that this isn't going to be easy, and it's going to take quite a while and some effort, perhaps making myself uncomfortable at times.

    "Just this one time" isn't going to cut it. It's either full reboot, or I can just go back into my habit like the old days. I have to be ready to take on a new me, rather than holding onto the old one.
  6. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    This is not placebo, this is not pseudoscience. Fuck naysayers.

    I feel so terrible after relapsing, my logic this time was, "Hey let's see what happens if you try to change your attitude, maybe this is all bullshit." (in a nutshell) No way. My general energy level throughout the day, even the way I talk, my sleeping habits, how I lift in the gym. Maybe it's placebo for some people, but not for me.

    I hate this. I hate this. sigh... it's 4 am, and I can't sleep. I hate what I just did. I want it undone.

  7. fullset

    fullset Member

    Dude read your journal from the very beginning every day. Especially for the first few days. Update it a lot; at least every day for the first few days. I even updated it multiple times a day. I wanted to document everything that I felt so when it was crunch time, I could read EXACTLY what I went through. It might help.
  8. Yogi

    Yogi New Member

    Hi Ascetic,

    as my name is yogi there seems to be some affinity between us with you as the ascetic :)

    Anyway I can only sympathise with you as I also have a terrible three days behind me filled with nothing but destructive porn watching behaviour. Even though I was doing quite good before that.

    It's really good that you keep writing in your journal in spite of all the relapsing. Because this makes you aware of just how deep this pattern of addiction really is. Or that's what I have now realised by continuing to write. It's becoming visible what I am doing and it's really ugly!! This becomes a motivating force, and because you have written it down you return to it and keep reminding yourself what it whas like to be stuck in these patterns.

    Because this is what happens. After a few days somehow you forget the horror of it all and it seems quite harmless to watch one or two video's. Or at least that is what happens to me.

    So keep writing that's all I can say. And by nice to yourself, guilt only increases the chance of relapsing.

    All the best,

  9. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Thanks guys, I will start reading my journal (I have a personal one other than this) every day. I'm going to stop being lazy and being more headstrong about this.

    And yes, I essentially just forget what I'm doing and think, "What's the harm?" I hate my brain.
  10. Ascetic, I do some of the exact same things that you do when I relapse. Especially the whole "maybe if I look at it a different way, it's not so bad" routine. That is total bullshit and I feel even worse afterwards. It feels like an addicted part of my brain is taking control and trying to rationalize the behavior for me so it can get what it wants. I know how really awful that feels. You said that leaving your apartment and taking a walk is the best way to alleviate cravings, and it really is. Just try your best to do that when you feel like relapsing. Walk for miles if that's what you have to do. I know I'm going to start doing that. Just hang in there.
  11. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Just gonna bump my journal before bed and the morning for another strong night. I'll be sure to check in on Wednesday and Friday--my days off this week, when it's hardest. Tired of failing, don't wanna fail anymore.
  12. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Checking in, no fap tonight. I might drop a message in the morning when I wake up. It's always morning/night for me, never any other time...
  13. romanovski

    romanovski New Member

    I think that's a really constructive way to use the journal, to just check in, pop your head round the door and say you're holding on.

    I'm going to incorporate that into my own journal when i start to run into difficulties.

    Keep it up!
  14. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Laid down to take a nap, found myself having some bad thoughts, so posting here to keep myself in line.

    I got tomorrow off as well, when I get back from work tonight, will be sure to check-in to remind myself of what I'm doing.
  15. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Good tactic.

    What are your plans for the day off? Maybe you should do something that would boost your self-confidence or whatsoever improving anything;)
  16. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    I'm supposed to lift tomorrow, so gym, continue reading the second book of Game of Thrones, study spanish, watch some khanacademy videos, clean apartment, look at cool pictures of space (I've been doing this a lot lately... I am saving money for a telescope), play a game of League of Legends, meditate on my balcony... I imagine this mostly being my day tomorrow.

    Just got back from work, about to go to sleep after a snack. There will be no masturbation or porn tonight!
  17. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Cool, a telescope, do you live in a small city where there is not so much light? Since in big cities you only can spot a few stars and in smaller - wow how much there is to see.

    What about socializing ?
  18. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    I feel like I can't go out and do anything right now, with no money. It's daunting for me just to hang out with my friends. It would be awesome if I was capable of just walking up to random strangers at the grocery store or something and starting conversations, but I'm taking this one step at a time here.

    One thought--or maybe idea-- that has been causing me to relapse is that I haven't let go. I just read this post (I'm not trying to call out OP or something, it's just reading it made me connect a dot) and I feel like I've always had that problem in my life of being indecisive of everything, big and small. I've been having thoughts in the back of my mind since I've started this whole thing, "Ya, I can always go back to porn once I've 'rebooted'." I don't know if I would call it a reboot if you're just going to go back to your old ways.

    Part of the reason why I keep relapsing is that I won't get off the fence.
  19. Ascetic

    Ascetic New Member

    Having some urges, so posting. Definitely no PMO tonight of any kind, have work tomorrow and such. I'm gonna sit outside, watch the sun set, read my kindle.
  20. That sounds like a much better way to spend your night. What are you reading?

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