Are femdom related fetishes innate?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Pantaleón, Dec 25, 2013.

  1. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Hello there, fellow fighters.

    This is my first topic here, and I'm much of what I am reading here is pretty new to me. I'm 21 years old and had been PMOing since I was 12. I'll not speak much about myself since I'll soon start a journal here, so let's follow on.

    When I began masturbating, I was thinking about the girls I knew, then, after getting access porn, to simple videos, with simple sexual practices. Over time, my tastes changed, so I went to more hardcore stuff. By the time before recognizing my addiction, I was hooked to some pretty hardcore Femdom material — no need to give details.

    Now I understand the mechanism of the addiction and I'm learning more and more, but I have this one doubt that is, at least for now, the big thorn in my faith on recovering: is the Femdom fetish innate? See, I saw some few asking the same questions, and got some answers (and read one of the FAQs on YourBrainOnPorn.com), but not was satisfactory enough. Let me tell you why this affects me.

    When I was a child, only eight years old, I would have some kinky desires, years before even being sexually attracted to girls, years before seeing any porn material; I remember that I once even dreamed about some of that stuff. I'm not talking about simple things, but about some practices considered hardcore (and on which consisted most of the porn material I was seeing before deciding to quit). Even before associating those desires with sexuality, I fancied about girls doing some of those things to me, and I always felt a strong desire of submitting to girls. I would think I was crazy, and I would hid all of that — no one ever perceived it, since I'm good in keeping things to myself.

    I understand that most of the excitation I feel for some stuff, acquired over the years of PMOing, will eventually disappear. But what about those fetishes? They appear to have been part of me much before the changes caused by porn. So, when some practitioners of those kinky practices would say that people like me are born with these tendencies, I couldn't argue against that, considering that as a child I already longed for much of what those guys do.

    So, these are my questions on the matter:

    • This kind of fetish is something inherent to myself as an individual or it was acquired by some sort of trauma (even if I can't remember anything)?
    • And, being coming from trauma, can I get free of it once for all, somehow (therapy etc.)?
    • And how should one deal with this kind of thing, considering that it didn't come from the sexual addiction, but from some deeper place? To repress it? Or would repressing make it worse?

    I would like to hear your opinions on the matter, and, if possible, I ask you that you recommend some material that could help me understand and deal better with this situation. This is very important to me; the only reason I know I can overcome the porn addiction is because now I rationally understand it, so I won't blame myself for it or feel like I'm a bad person etc., and I want to find the same understanding about this specific fetish.

    Thank you very much.

    P.S.: I'm trying my best to avoid triggers, but I'm not sure about some words I have used, "femdom" (and even "porn") would be considered so. If they are, I do apologize, and I will change everything necessary.
     
  2. Tsumi

    Tsumi New Member

    Re: Is femdom fetish innate?

    To my understanding the line between "innate" and acquired fetishes is somewhat blurry and there is overlap. It makes sense you'd be more susceptible to become addicted to porn that makes your brain react the strongest. Judging by your story I'd say femdom is an innate fetish for you, which has escalated during your porn use. As you reboot, you may find some of the escalation wane gradually and be able to enjoy vanilla sex too.

    For what it's worth, I don't think femdom fetish is inherently particularily weird or extreme. It seems this fetish in particular is cause for concern in this community for some reason, possibly because it seems to go against mainstream perception of what gender roles should be. Having a healthy relationship and sex life doesn't necessarily mean you have to fit into very strict mold.

    We should remember that it's a PORN addiction first and foremost. Doesn't matter if it's vanilla or something else. If you're concerned about your fetish, ask yourself these questions:

    Does indulging in the fetish hurt yourself or someone else?
    Is it something you and your partner can enjoy together?
    If you don't have a partner, can you realistically find one who is compatible with your sexuality?

    I'm in a similar position as you are, although I have a different fetish. I have yet to tell about it to my gf, but I feel I need to, since my "innate" fetish is part of my sexuality. It's worrying, though. Will she dump me or be alright with it?
     
  3. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    Re: Is femdom fetish innate?

    I agree with Tsumi. not all fetishes are bad and the standard view on sex is somewhat outdated. people have been doing all kinds of sexual things long before there was electricity, let alone porn. femdom is not negative, but if you don't like it, it could be some unconscious mechanism. talk to a therapist about it, you will be surprised how much can be achieved by talking to someone who is qualified.

    if it doesn't bother you, go out there and please those women! ;D
     
  4. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Re: Is femdom fetish innate?

    If the problem was only about wanting to be submissive to women, I think I could work it out; what scares me, though, is that the fetish has to do with that and being humiliated (in some disgusting ways), and that, even if the porn escalated over time, most of the particularities of the fetish are the same as they were when I was a child.

    Of course, I can indulge in the fetish without hurting anyone, but should I? I long for some disgusting stuff, and there are many who would like to go along with it, but I'm not sure if that's just "different" or "unhealthy"; whether that would be something characteristic of me or something away from what I truly am (see this answer to see what another member of this forum thinks about it).

    Maybe ppycat is right, and our idea of sex is just outdated... still, we have centuries of tradition, and a tend to go with a through thinking period before exchanging something relatively modern for it; not everything recent is progress, as everyone know, despite the fact many unconsciously believe that. I do wish I could speak with someone qualified, but I live in a country in which finding this is hard (or demands much money); it's hard to find someone qualified with a 3rd world country education, at least the one my country has.

    Thank you for your answers, fellow fighters.

    EDIT: I've changed the title of this topic, I think it's more precise now.
     
  5. annabook

    annabook Member

    I have similar needs.

    My fetishes aren't "disgusting" (subjectively speaking), but I still feel that it's hard to explain to a girl. On the other hand, I don't feel that those specific acts are essential to me, even if they were/are what I fantasized about. The original urge is having the girl take charge and basically just do what she will with me. I believe that part can be satisfied by most girls, if they want to (and if they care about you, they will, right?)

    I'm starting to realize that I can't change who I am deep down. That said, I'm 100 % certain that this PIED shit can be resolved regardless, and that we will be able to enjoy vanilla sex at some point (and at that point, the fetish stuff will just be extra spice, which is nice tbh).
     
  6. WoLong

    WoLong Guest

    Re: Is femdom fetish innate?

    People had fetishes of all kinds long before porn, therefor it seems to be innate, especially in your case. If you're rebooting, you shouldn't be entertaining it anyways. If you've had it since you were eight it's quite likely you're stuck with it, in which case I wouldn't worry about it.

    We've already exchanged something modern for it. The traditional view of sex is that it should be reserved for married couples and focused on romance more than sexual satisfaction, while the modern view is that casual sex is acceptable. Merry Christmas.
     
  7. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Sir, thank you for your answer.

    Like I said, I want some of this stuff, but my personality is the opposite of the type that would like to be driven by the will of other, so it comes mostly as a sexual thing and with the disgusting things central to it.

    Anyway, be this part of me or not, what I am 100% sure about is that I will become stronger and stronger and that, deciding to, someday, do or not this things, will be a rational and conscious choice, not something that "the devil [of my passions] made me do", so to speak.

    Wish you the best! And Merry Christmas!

    Sir, thank your for your answer.

    See, even if it's not caused by porn, I would still have to doubt it as "innate". We could argue I was born with that (so I can't do nothing about) or, and in the moment this appear more probable to me, that in some point of my early childhood something, even if I can't remember it, caused what manifests itself as femdom related fetishes. In the first case, it would be part of my temper, not of my character, and by changing the latter I can control the former; being the second case, I could discover what and how happened and, maybe by therapy, deal with it. But anyway, I don't know yet, I'll have to learn more and more.

    And, even in your terms, I believe in the traditional view, i.e. sex as something for married couples, the focus on romance (and, of course, reproduction) etc.

    Merry Christmas to you to, sir, and my best regards.
     
  8. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    I don't believe you were "born" with it, but you acquired it early in life through some event.
     
  9. brummie82

    brummie82 New Member

    I also have a femdom fetish. I suspect it was innate or could have been linked to some early childhood activity. It could even have arisen from being bullied or humiliated by girls at school. It's hard to know for sure. I do wonder if it would be helpful to know the source of the fetish. Either way, I think it's something we're stuck with. Exposure to femdom porn will no doubt feed the addiction and increase the shame we feel about ourselves. I think the thing with fetishes is that we have to accept them but not feed them - harder said than done, I know. Repressing isn't really the answer but if we can learn to accept ourselves and our quirks I think we can find a balance.
     
  10. Zoo

    Zoo New Member

    I think it's irrelevant to some degree whether this preference is innate or not because I don't think that a person can consciously change it - particularly if they've had cravings for it since long before they even began watching porn.

    I've read stories before of some doms who have claimed that they enjoyed the idea of tying people up even before hitting puberty.

    There are far worse fetishes out there than femdom.

    Shame automatically for a fetish is silly but some embarrassment in talking about it with others is probably normal. Many fetishes are worth exploring so long as person believes they truly do like them (i.e., the fetish is not a conditioned response from porn).

    I read the sex column "Savage Love," which often contains people with kinks that I'm very thankful I do not have: examples - wearing diapers and pretending to be babies, peeing, scat, ball-busting, cuckolding, feet worshiping, etc.

    Those columns have helped me re-calibrate not only what is normal but also helped me be more open to exploring my own kinks and kinks of anyone I might be involved with sexually.

    Frankly, I'd take indulging a fetish for dominant women or woman acting dominant over any of the fetishes listed above and I think the number of people who occasionally like or want to experiment with at least light bondage has substantially increased in recent years (Witness the popularity of "50 Shades of Grey").
     
  11. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    My dear fellow warriors,

    I'm not a relativist, so I think some things are inherently bad, or at least come from evil, even if they feel good; if it's femdom related fetishes' case, then, since we must seek what's good for us (otherwise we would be acting irrationally), we have to: a) if the fetishes are innate, build our character in a way that allows us to control the urges, or b) being something acquired, understand how it came to be and change it — from Pavlov to Bandler, Freud to J.A.C. Müller (the one who gave us one the best definition of neurosis I know: Neurosis, he said, is a forgotten lie which you still believe), much was discovered about behavior modifications, even if we are talking about something deeply hidden. Yes, I think it can be changed, so they way it began is important. But the point here is: what's its nature? Is it good or bad?

    Let me clarify a little bit. By "femdom related fetishes", I'm not speaking about the passivity that can be identified in the ways of some men, which would like the partner to take the head of the relationship, of the marital life etc. — which I simply can't judge —, but, first, when it comes to "femdom", as wanting to give away your freedom to another, in strict sexual context or in everyday life, and, when it comes to the "related fetishes", as craving for mild to extreme stimulation coming from humiliation and pain (physical and/or psychological) and/or degradation. Now, the concept of freedom is important in our culture, of course; even in religion we have the free will in a high position: God, as you know, gave the man the freedom to follow evil, to sin against Him; and our history can give us many examples of struggles in the name of freedom. And after all that, after all the deaths in the name of that, here we are, speaking about some obscure longing for giving away our freedom and, as a related gift, our self-respect, in the bed or in the context of the entire relationship, by which indulgence the practitioners, not without some irony, say they transcend themselves, they break free.

    I'm speaking not from the top of the ivory tower, but from the top of many of these cravings, with the experience of feeling my skin caressed by the desire for many of the things we can find in this gray zone of sexual perversions, with all the shades it may bring to the black and white with which some people would judge certain actions. We can certainly say that the changes mentioned by Zoo result from the fact that the people have been freeing themselves of the chains that had kept them from finally coming to terms with some impulses of some recently discovered part of their minds; but we can also say that by forgetting any moral other than a simplistic mundane one, and this one conditioned by the hedonism seen as an important value, man has become weaker to some bad influences that would, in other times, never get strong enough to float to the surface of the consciousness or, worse, to modulate our behavior from deep down in the unconscious. Where would femdom (and related fetishes) be in this? Foucault wrote against the bonding of the people, their suffering and loose of freedom, but he also paid to some women do exactly that to him; say what you want, there's a contradiction here. Maybe I have been simplistic myself, but the answer that "wanting freedom in your life and longing to have it taken from you in another important aspect of existence don't contradict each other, we're talking about different things" seems too simplistic of an answer, and even more it's to even negate the existence of such a contradiction!

    If all our endeavors here are destined not only to "quit porn" but to change ourselves — this is, at least, how I see it, and this is the premises upon which I build all my efforts, and the reason I'm here —, it won't do to me just letting go of all those images and videos but, after getting unhooked, act on bed as a porn star; well, wouldn't be the same, letting go of femdom related videos but base my sexual life in the exact kind of behavior that is the entire point of that niche of pornography? Even if you quit watching porn movies, if you behavior is still modulated by it — and mind: I'm not talking only about your sexual life, I'm talking about not being able to deal with pain or pleasure, about a chaotic social life, about the incapacity of being patient when you have to, about putting hedonism above more important things, about wasting your time etc. —, you will never be actually free. You would still be believing in a forgotten lie...

    I have much to do so my mind will get better, because I have been treating it very badly since some years ago, and I have to train it and learn some of the disciplines that the modern man believes antiquate, and, maybe, someday even the fact that I still had doubts about what I'm asking here will come with the same sensations as the memories of someday believing in, say, Santa. Or maybe not. The thing is: I still have much to learn, and I want to thing about this seeing it from many different points of view, and with many other considerations in mind. You all have been very helpful.

    Thank you all for your answers!
     
  12. Zoo

    Zoo New Member

    Freedom isn't actually lost in realizing some femdom or BDSM sexual fantasy. The loss of freedom is an illusion. The enactment is grounded in consent. It's just 2 (or more) people playing or acting within boundaries that they've mutually agreed to. Enacting other fantasies are similar (nurse/patient; teacher/student; john/prostitute,etc.) just with different acting roles as far as I'm concerned.

    The show ends if a person withdraws his/her consent and goes no further than what a person consents. Without consent, it's a crime.

    The second paragraph talks about porn modulating our behavior but that's why I put the caveat that the fetish not be a conditioned response from porn. It's a preference. It would exist without porn. If you liked femdom before you even watched porn, then porn isn't modulating your behavior. It's: Your liking femdom influenced your porn selection. NOT: Your liking porn caused you to like femdom.

    Whether something is a conditioned response or a preference will be better known the longer one goes without porn and the more honest someone is with himself.

    Sex isn't just a way of having fun. It also happens to be an expression of mutual love. If I truly wanted to pursue a sexually hedonistic path, I wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship.

    Realizing pleasure, even pleasure for its own sake, isn't the triumph of hedonism unless you judge a person's over-arching life's philosophy/priorities somehow by a few select events and not what they're doing with most of their time or their lives or how they prioritize things in theory and ordinary practice.

    You could, of course, declare that placing pleasure at any point over some higher over-arching, philosophical purpose makes a person a hedonist but, under that definition of hedonism, everybody that exists or has ever existed is a hedonist.

    I really think that none of this discussion or analysis of yours would be happening if you liked something that you viewed as more personally or socially acceptable.
     
  13. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Dear Zoo,

    All the fantasies you've mentioned deal with a context, premise: "I'm superior, you're inferior; I command, you obey"; the context, the details, can actually be provided by many scenarios (from the classic BDSM related stuff to the ones you've mentioned). A person is not a stone that can go unaffected by the repeated act, and I think it's harder to start believing you're a patient every time you have sex (even if you may want to reenact the context later) than to assimilate the inferiority that had permeated your previous sexual practices. Not only that: even if you assume you can just pretend, then let go, that you're inferior or anything of the kind, many of the fetishes related to femdom have to do with doing some things to the partner that, want he or not, are very concrete acts. When you do something really disgusting to another person, you can't pretend that the act itself was acting, even if it was part of one. And after some time, you can realize the experience changed both parts of it.

    About consent, well, I'm traveling right now so I can't cite my notes here, and the names I want to allude to, but the research about behavior modification show that is the it is when you act by your own consent, when doing things you don't really like or want rationally, that the deeper changes occur. If you don't really like it — and for experience I can say we don't long for the act itself, but for the "kick" of it, and you're surely aware of how the grotesque adds when we're talking about dopamine and addictions —, yet you do because you agreed to obey (at least to a certain point), the cognitive dissonance of the experience will cause important changes, and probably the lessening of your capacity to rationally resist the influence of the others, specially others in similar contexts. If we're talking about freedom here, maybe, and just maybe, indulging in femdom related stuff is all about being free to loose your freedom, without noticing and even thinking that you've decided to do so. But we know better, don't you? Who, here, would say that "I decided, from the top of the better of my free will, to escalate with porn over the years"?

    And, yes, I'm (and I was) the first to say that it's impossible that the porn has caused the craving for femdom related fetishes, since they came about before my first occasion of watching porn; the question here is how did it start, why, and how essential or accidental (in the sense Aristotle gives to these words) is it to me, and of course how should I deal with it. Nevertheless, mind: whether we're talking about something innate or something acquired by some kind of trauma, we can't speak about "preferences", and I don't think "conditioned response" will describe it accurately — but I can't give it a better definition yet. But, anyway, the clarity of mind I expect to acquired (or get back) from now on will, hopefully, help me to understand all this better.

    And, please, I don't know if you understood that I was criticizing you or your acts, or even speaking about you at all — I mention this because you told me that if you truly wanted to pursue a sexually hedonistic path, you "wouldn't be in a monogamous relationship". I don't know you, so I couldn't start speaking anything about you, and I wouldn't if I could. I'm not even saying that you have urged anyone here to a hedonist way of dealing with sex — you didn't! I'm going over all the arguments I can see (or that I was given over time) "pro" and "contra" (quotes needed here) femdom, I'm just trying to understand it better.

    And of course it's natural to seek pleasure, it's something everyone does. I'll repeat: it's natural, it's normal. But we have pleasures and pleasures. We can find pleasure in many things, and some things are better than others. I didn't use the word "hedonism" in the technical sense, but as a way to design the behavior of putting base stimuli at the top of the scale of the importance in one's life. Sorry for the misunderstanding, sir. Be as it may, some want to be with girls because they want to pleasure themselves; some find pleasure because they want to be with girls; in a similar way, some philosophies place pleasure at the top, others place some acts that, even being seem good by themselves, will result in pleasure; the difference's still here.

    Now, last not least, I'm not thinking about the social overtones of a femdom relationship; and the reason I'm posting here, on this topic, to find out if the femdom related fetishes are personally acceptable or not, I still haven't decided. And, mind: I want the "personally acceptable", so this has to do with my life, not the femdom itself. If I come to the conclusion that the things I for long fantasized about are bad, I can assure you I won't try to force anyone to commune in my opinion. I'm here to change my life.

    Again, thank you for your answer, and I apologize (sincerely) for any kind of misunderstanding or offense that may have come from my words. I want to live a good life, and I want to understand some troubled aspect of myself, with this objective.

    Best regards!
     
  14. Zoo

    Zoo New Member

    I could see how pretending to be something or someone (i.e., a slave) could change a person psychologically. I'm not sure what would happen to a person psychologically if he/she went very deeply into BDSM or strengthened connections between pleasure and pain/humiliation by really focusing heavily on enacting BDSM fantasies - particularly if they were extreme fantasies.

    I know that some fetishists can reach a point where they can no longer be aroused with a partner unless they are sexually engaged in some way with their fetish.

    I know that in some cases people are potentially sexually attracted to or turned on by an idea because it is contrary in some way to their values or personality. I've known, for instance, some feminists who've had rape fantasies. I'm not sure, however, that much of what people find sexually stimulating is grounded in logic.

    You're right. Labeling them as "sexual preferences" is inaccurate because preference often implies choice. I don't believe what a person finds sexually stimulating is generally a choice.

    No need to apologize. I applied some of your general points about sex specifically to my own sexual history/current relationships and that wasn't what you intended. Sorry

    If you find that femdom is bad for your life, then you should share it here unless the reasons are so personally identifying as to prevent the preservation of your own anonymity or so personalized to yourself that they wouldn't be relevant to others with the same or similar issues here.

    Besides evidently studies and philosophy books that you've been reading, you might consider - only after allowing yourself a lot of time to research and think about and establish your own ideas first - eventually talking to people actually engaged in BDSM and asking them for answers to the same sorts of questions you have in this thread. You can create a questionnaire and get answers maybe anonymously online?

    Personal histories/Self-evaluations are worth something even if, as evidence, they don't carry as much weight as a controlled study.

    Good luck.
     
  15. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Dear Zoo,

    What scares me more, in terms of change, more than repetition of the instances of domination/submission situations, are some specific practices (again, for the benefit of keeping this a trigger free topic, I won't mention them by name); there are some things that, after done, will forever make one "the woman who did that thing to me" and other "the man who let me did that thing to him; even if all was done in the context of fantasy, it's impossible to imagine the practice itself as part of make believe, and boy, does that change our minds!

    I've found out that PMO was bad to my life, so I stopped with it and I'm building a new life, improving myself little by little; and most of the content I used to watch was femdom related. I still could please myself without watching, just by imagining, but every fantasy also had to do with femdom — and I was so badly scared when I discovered that I couldn't get aroused, in those fantasies, by imagining anything other than femdom, even if hardcore! So, even if femdom wasn't caused by it, now it's strongly related to that P stuff.

    So, in the same way that, before studying the mechanism behind the addiction, sometimes I would try to quit watching, and feel like if some part of me was fighting the other, there were times in which I got to the point of acting so I would put my fancies to practice, then, with a clearer mind, I would think "what the heck?", and undo everything, delete all the contacts I may have acquired, the files I may have downloaded etc. But there were some damages: twice I have confessed about my desires to girls, and twice that meant the end of friendship. And every time I did something like that, I was feeling the way I felt when I PMOed. Even if I had found out that femdom would do me good, trying it right now would make me get back to where I was (and to whom I was: I would be turning into a zombie of myself).

    I have, indeed, spend some time reading about femdom from the perspective of its supporters — of course, I don't mean kinky stories, but articles etc. —, even some, let's say, "intellectual authorities" of the field, and practitioners, but still I didn't get the answers I'm looking for. Most of times, it was no more than a "I was born this way, I was born to this, and finally I've found my place in the cosmos" — but by all they had told me I didn't think this epiphany of theirs had come from some deep thinking, but by indulging once and then find rationalization by the words or others. Here in this forum I found some people with my doubts about this matter, and this is good after so much unquestioned certainty found in other places! I hope good things will come from this.

    Yet I want to learn more by asking the ones who believe in the thing, who put it to practice, but getting to those places where they can be found wouldn't do no good to me at this point, and when it does, maybe the need to search will have been long gone.

    Good luck to us, sir!
     
  16. Rusty

    Rusty Member

    I have found this to be very true regarding my own fetish.

    But why is it that Japanese find schoolgirls attractive?
    Why do Nigerians and Togans find fat attractive?
    Why is it that alot of western countries like femdom?

    I dont think these things are innate. I think we are, to a degree, conditioned to like certain things. Some of the fetishes and sexual preference is caused by positive re-enforcement and some by negative. I dont believe that anyone is born wanting to be spanked or pee'd on (or whatever, I'm not clued up on femdom).

    The only question I have is can they be un-learned? Personally, I dont really think it can be. Only tamed down, this isnt based on much scientific knowledge. Just a pre-degree level knowledge of Psychology and my own personal introspection, not to mention lots of discussions with those with a fetish.
     
  17. Pantaleón

    Pantaleón Fighter

    Dear fellow warrior,

    Please allow me to go even further and propose at least one more question: why is that submissive men, away from each other by continents, without any contact, sometimes without internet or TV and quite isolated, tend to develop the same kind of details in their fetishes, when it comes to femdom? Of course you can't say "every submissive man will like this and that things", but you can at least gather them in groups of similar patterns, and I'm not talking about many groups, but just a few. Why do men that don't even know each other, and born on very different places and under so many unique cultures, will have the same dreams, fancy the same things?

    First, about the "where is it coming from", we can remember L. Szondi's psychological writings and, with him, assume that our biological heritage has some strong influence not only in the sexual aspect of our lives, but on your behavior and choices, not just like "you're a calm type" but, if we can use such a image, having all your ancestors trying to make you act just like they did, choose like they did and, in the end, be like them, trying to make you repeat their mistakes over and over; we can also remember Jung's writings about the collective unconscious and archetypes, so we can theorize why same fantasies can shown up in very different men. So, maybe there is, indeed, something in the idea that "submissive men were born this way etc.", but only as a figure of speech; we could think that there are biological constitutions, or, better, temperaments, that can predispose some men to the kind of fetish we're talking about, at least in the sexual area — while there would be other kinds of temperaments, predisposing to very different things, in that and in other aspects of the person's life —, that would react to the contact of a certain individual with the feminine archetypes and manifest like that. Mind, we're not talking about determinism here: by understanding what is said about temperaments as correct, we can't forget that, while they set some general direction and impulses, the way that these will finally manifest (and how) depends of the person's character — so, some can be controlled by their innate characteristics, while other can control them and use them, sublimating them and transforming them in better things; the same thing that can make one reckless can be redirected, polished, and used to turn the same one into a very courageous individual, and so on. In this context, sex could (and should) be a spring of creative energy, and the energies that, in a brute state, will manifest as femdom related fetishes may also be redirected and, in the same way, bring benefits: the desire for servitude ultimately becoming charity, and, of course, the strong pull to the feminine as means for contacting not the feminine aspects of oneself but even of the universe itself. But, of course, I'm only theorizing.

    Of course, if the character can be improved and build, we can control it, and even not practicing any of that at all — if that would be healthy thing, I don't know, and I still want to learn. But, speaking for myself, while there's this part of me that wants this kind of thing, there is another one that would like something entirely different: a good, loving wife, and a life in family that most of the modern thinkers would define as "boring", at least; the rational part, the part I identify with life and light, wants the latter; thinking about a femdom based marriage, with all the humiliations that excite me in relation to it, is something that, rationally, I wouldn't like at all: what, to be humiliated by my wife? To not be treated as a man, but literally as a slave? And to do so many disgusting things? Who would want this? But, nevertheless, picturing this excites me. But, see the relationship: when we PMO, it's not the rational mind guiding us, but being carefully kept away by another part of the brain; it's appears to be the same, so, even if not porn caused, maybe the deep rooted femdom impulses may be causing the exact same thing the porn had, and even (now) using porn as a tool: creating a parallel world, based in sexual stimuli, as a easy way to get some dopamine kicks. Sometimes, thinking about this, I would imagine that, if I actually practiced the stuff with a woman, a professional or a girlfriend, I would get the impulses under control, because the may had been causing problems because of repression, but maybe indulging would actually set fire on all of it, and, furthermore, you can't follow a tradition based moral code and, at the same time, follow what I would need to follow if I was to let a girl do to me what I crave her to. You can't walk both opposite directions at the same time.

    Well, thank you for your answer.

    My best regards, sir.
     
  18. CompassionateHelper

    CompassionateHelper New Member

    I have been reading you for some time. My problems are almost exactly the same as you mentioned. I had these in a sense of "born this way" because I had these fantasies as early as 5-7 yrs of age. I live in a culture where some of the mainstream goddesses ( religious, not fetish personalities ) are females and submission to females or worship of females are not a taboo per se. As far as I know I had it in me as early as I could remember and porn only gave me the opportunity to satisfy them in private. Porn as for me was not the cause. But porn did worsen it and brought me into an addictive life style. I have been on a journey to understand this. There are some writings that I have come across which throw some light. I am on the search path so I could only say these are helpful in giving some light.
    1. The Neurological Consequences of Sadomasochism ( mentions "childhood trauma or insecure early attachments" under the subtitle "The allure" )
    2. Some historical & religious concepts ( mentions "male emasculation before the female" under the 3rd subtitle )
    Whether to "suppress it" or "express it" is also one of my predicaments. I am certainly not for suppressing it because it has caused me to get treated for psychiatric disorders. And also I read.

    if nature is suppressed in one direction she will take revenge in another. This is just what is the trouble with a great many people if only they knew it.
    -- TAS
    But I do not want to express it either because expressing it gives only a temporal release for a few minutes and a craving for even more. A secret life to me is a huge burden. I am looking for some way to eliminate it. Still searching, reading and learning from a variety of sources. Not much help received in these 40 years so there was a natural tendency to give in and go all the way to fulfill these desires in real life with real people. But still hanging on to find a solution to the problem. It was a relief to find some one with the same problem and questions. Thank you for being open about it and posting.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019

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