Anti fragile

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Truth, Jan 14, 2021.

  1. Truth

    Truth New Member

    Day zero here.

    It’s been day zero for about 2 months since I turned 40. I graduated now to this new thread group. I’m feeling a bit defeated, but determined to get back on the horse. I did this “40 days by 40” thing to jump start my next decade, made it 38 days without pmo, and felt invincible for a while. Big Stress hit me, and I crashed. I crashed pretty bad. I’ve been at zero ever sense, maybe 1 a couple times. It’s like the rut is so easy to stay in, so comfortable. Rising up feels good, but is so damn hard. I just haven’t had the strength to fight the cues. I’m so sad and lonely. I just want comfort. I know I sound weak, but it’s true. Divorce sucks, single parenting sucks, marriage to a psychopath sucks, pandemics suck, being fat sucks.

    How to turn this all around? I need to keep trying. I have to. I have to look at this opportunity as a gift, another chance to get it right. My life isn’t over. It’s just beginning. Chasing comfort has no end and achieves little.

    I will persevere through this adversity and rise up. I will find ways to fight the cues. I will not give in because giving in means giving myself away. Giving in means losing an opportunity for an authentic experience. I need to fully heal my brain. Be done with this. Be finished with pmo. It’s no way to live. It’s a kryptonite dressed in allure. It’s pain dressed in pleasure. It’s a sweet tasting evil poison. It’s hell on earth. It’s a loser cocktail. It’s the path to loserdom. It’s a short lived pleasure for a longliving pain. It ruins lives, potentials, innovations, creativity, love, care, sincerity, connection. All of it. All the best things in life, it kills it. The killer of prosperity. It keeps you in a state of slavery to an unending anti productive life wasting, time wasting practice. It’s the fuel to chase being a fat, useless loser. I will stop imbibing today. I quit for life. I’m done, as God as my witness, I’m done.

    time to live, time to be free, time to get in shape.
     
    realness likes this.
  2. Keep after it brother. One day at a time. Never more than that. You can do it.
     
    truthseeker and realness like this.
  3. badger

    badger Active Member

    welcome my brother,
    for me-comfort is easy. pain is hard. my escape from pain is PMO-pleasure. doesn't last too long. I need to get through pain. feel it. experience it. millions of other people do, why am I unique. on the other side of pain is growth/ normalcy. today, I just try to do the next right thing that is in front of me. if urges or fantasizing attack me, I get busy. doing whatever will keep my mind busy until the urge passes. preferably something physical-honey dos, exercise. work on yard, anything but give in to the filth monster. not easy but damn well worth my life. hang in there. you are young. I am 66 and still fighting.
     
    truthseeker and realness like this.
  4. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Thanks men, I appreciate your support.

    Day 1.

    I feel a slight bit of momentum, as early as it is, the decision to abstain is very powerful and carries some inertia to begin with. Now I just have to pave the way. It’s going to take time. I have to find ways to slick the path, clear the brush. Things I’ve employed before include walking, lifting weights, listening to self development books, podcasts and videos(Mark Queppet, Jordan Peterson), cleaning.
    I’ll start back with the exercise and chores. Time to organize a bit.
     
  5. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Day 2

    Ive been instituting self talk. I’ve been holding up pretty good so far. I’m feeling myself get back into positive path position. Thankfully I’ve already built this track before, so I’m just dusting it off. The previous challenges and hard work was not lost in vain. Instead, the previous streaks and the practices that led to them set the stage for my future. It made my transition out of the rut a bit easier. I’m proud of what I’m doing and where I’m going.
     
  6. breath

    breath Member

    What was the focus of your self talk? What are your goals and what things do u most want to do in life ? Do you do those things/ If not, or not enough how can you move into that direction? What will you do (list actual tasks) ?
     
  7. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Those are some thought provoking questions.

    The self talk thus far is a reiteration of what I say in this journal for the most part. I tell myself to stay the course. To rise to the challenge. To make the right decisions. To practice life hygiene. To live a better life. To not sweat the small stuff, because it’s all small stuff.

    I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone I find amazing. I want someone to love, and for them to love me. I want us to feel like we both lucked out.

    I want to be super fit. I want to go to the pool and feel confident. I want to look good for the photos. I want travel to exotic and fun places. I want to be wanted for who I am. I want to feel that I’m good. I think the pmo, deep down, has made me feel inferior or weak.

    The tasks: eat right, exercise, sleep the right amount. Keep organized. Make money.
     
  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me. i have to have a written plan. schedule. look at it everyday. know what i am going to do when i wake up. have a healthy daily routine. if i have a plan, enumerate it, there won't be any lax time for porn to "accidentally" sneak in. but of course there has to be down time too. all work..., but the down time is scheduled as well. this has been working for me. never have i ever dreamed i would last this long without PMO. it has not been easy. but nothing worthwhile ever is. hang in there my brother.
     
    Bilbo Baggins and truthseeker like this.
  9. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Those are great ideas. Leading up to my most successful achievements, I had a very solid daily schedule that I planned out everyday. I’ve definitely gotten far from that routine. I should reinstitute.

    I’m so sad today. A little less than a year ago I started developing some feelings for a woman and we connected pretty deeply. At the time, I was on a pretty good pmo streak, confidence was pretty damn high, and I thought, this is it, I finally made it. Unfortunately, major stressors made their way in, and I lost it. I allowed PMO to creep in and subsequently lost my mojo. I think I couldn’t contain the irrational beast. Shortly after, I lost her. I can honestly say, I never had feelings so strong for someone as I did for her. She was smart, fit, confident, and extremely beautiful. We remained friends and there was this sort of floating-in-the-wind kind of unspoken-hope that remained for the past little while- that we would rekindle, pending some other issues in my life clearing up(namely my ugly ugly super-prolonged divorce to a high-conflict psychopath). This week, I feel she must have moved on, and I feel so sad about it. We both had strong feelings, but it didn’t make sense for her to wait and keep things secret for an unknown amount of time, and I didn’t try to convince her to stay. I just feel like, what a fuck up for me? How did I get into this place?

    Even if she’s not the right one for me, the feeling really sucks. I’ve never been so close with anyone like that. Now, as this divorce nears its completion...hopefully, I’m left wondering what am I in for?

    Do I have the emotional capital to withstand the ups and downs. I feel so weak and lost. It’s like I need a partner, and I want sex. But I can’t really differentiate what’s going on here. I need pmo out of my life entirely to have a better understanding of my emotions and drives. I never would have thought this to be so complicated. The alternating pmo/quitting mode has been like a cake blender to my emotional and rational mind. I can’t stay in one state long enough to be who I’m supposed to be. No one tells you this crap when you’re 10 years old, salivating over your friend’s dad’s playboy centerfolds.

    who am I and who do I want to be? That’s the question that remains a hot potato of an answer. I want to be the strong, powerful, fully in control of his desires type man, ie an elite masculine man. I have yet to be that person for more than 6 weeks at a time. The calm waters are fairly simple to navigate and stay true in, but it’s those inevitable waves and breakers that get me. I need to be a black box. I need to be like an automatic watch. I need to take these hits, roll with them, absorb the energy, and use it to fuel my strength.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2021
  10. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    Last night’s entry, truly cathartic. It helps to get those thoughts out in the open. Although the thoughts reveal how weak I’ve become, it takes strength to do it. We all start somewhere. My reality is that I will be single for a while, functionally. Between work and childcare, I’m not sure how to have much time for anything else. How do I bring someone into this? Until these kids are older, I feel like I’m on my own. Is it healthy for me to be living this way? What do other guys do in this situation? Should I hire a nanny and pursue new relationships? I don’t want dates around my kids until fully established. It seems like I’m putting the cart before the horse. I know I need to get fully pmo free, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there. I completed 2020 with more pmo free days than any other year in my post puberty life. I would like to believe that I can improve on last year, but am I to delay any relationship until I am consistently pmo free? The rational answer is a resounding “yes!” But the emotional side is like “dude, you need someone to be with ASAP, you are lonely as fuck, who gives a shit about your pmo issues?” I guess the compromise would be to pursue non-sexual relations. My problem now is, if I meet a girl, I can’t risk being alone together. Being alone inevitably will lead to sex. I’m not strong enough to resist a potential wanton woman. I know this well.

    That’s my path. Never be alone or in private. It will always have to be in public or in a group. That’s the only proper way. I cannot pursue anything sexual. I can’t risk disrupting the dopamine. I believe no sex is the way for now.

    No sex until firm commitment and definitely no pm ever again. Sounds impossible? I don’t think I have any other reasonable choice. My brain is dysfunctional at this point, this my only shot at normalcy. My risk though is that I will break and rebound into an out-of-control fiend.

    How to keep that from happening? That’s the question. Pretty soon I will have the full freedom to be that out of control person if I choose to be. How do I resist that? The choice is clear. I either become an out-of-control sex chasing monster or I tame those desires and harness that energy to build something meaningful(via no sex).

    I think the first choice is just a continuation of pmo in a different format. I really don’t want to be a sex-chasing monster. I mean really, does anyone want to be a slave to those desires and pursuits. It may feel good in the moment, but long term effect feels gross and useless.

    The appropriate choice is to build something meaningful. Build something meaningful. That needs to be my mantra. Don’t be a sex crazy fiend ie loser.

    Build something meaningful!

    Any diversion from this is a path towards the dark side. It’s path to meaninglessness. It’s a path to ruin and pain. I have to remind myself of this. I need to always keep this in my mind. The dark side is gaining strength. Pmo has never been easier than it is today. Freaky women willing to do meaningless activity is at an all time high. These things are not going away. They will continue to grow. I need to strengthen my mind in the direction of meaningful activity and thought. I need to build up my resources to fight against them. They don’t fight fair either. It’s a war people, it’s a war.

    Does anyone have a good way to remind themselves and strengthen their resolve? Prayer, meditation, mantras?
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2021
  11. truthseeker

    truthseeker enjoy the journey to freedom

    And just like that, my 4 day streak has ended. I couldn’t sleep. My feelings were like a water balloon being filled continuously. I cracked. What the hell. So lost. So much turmoil. This year has taken its toll on me. It’s like I’ll just settle for the illusion of love. I endured a long painful marriage. From day 1 that woman turned into an angry psycho, for no good reason. I should have left her then. I was so desperate for love then. Why do I have this feeling of needing to be with someone? What a lonely mess. I’ve never felt so hopeless before. I usually have a sense that I can get back, then there’s new growth to be found. This wall seems a lot more insurmountable than before. I’ll keep trying. Dark days, dark days.
     
  12. badger

    badger Active Member

    for me-now, i ask myself who do i want to be? does that person do PMO? What is my purpose here with the time i have left? is PMO included in that purpose? i try to just write something everymorning as soon as i wake up when my mind is blank from the day's news, problems, and worries. this, for me, when my mind is fertile and receptive to change. my plans for the day. how am i going to talk/engage with x, y ,z at work? how did i do it yesterday? was it positive? did i hurt anyone with my nasty mouth and words? how am i going to relate with my family today? i go over scenarios in my head. that way when the actual event takes place, i have some idea how to act. was i selfish yesterday? what can i do different today to make it right? i guess this is my meditation in writing. don't do it everday, but i try. that's why i get up early everyday. my time with God and myself. who do i want to be today? does that person......? hang in there my brother, praying for you.
     

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