Another shot at it

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ccman123, May 30, 2020.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Just relapsed after a 70 day streak. I became too comfortable these last couple days and as a result, became complacent. The next time I show up here it will be a success story. I won't be defined by pmo and pied.

    I was able to get this far because I took the steps to quit forever. I permanently deleted my social media accounts; I made sure to spend more time with my friends; I journaled every morning, and I worked out, meditated and had cold showers almost every day. What I didn't do well was I started procrastinating schoolwork and only doing things at the last possible minute; I laid in bed for hours in the morning after waking up, waiting for some spark of motivation to somehow de-paralyze me; I didn't do as much for my family as I would have liked to, and I recently, I started listening to music or watching youtube as soon as I woke up. I'm going to work on these things, and no matter what I won't give in to the chaser effect.
     
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I also wanted to add that this past streak has conquered A LOT of my triggers. It seems that after every long streak, I've conquered another area of this monster. After spending a full days processing my relapse, I'm now realizing just how much I've grown, despite not having my pied cured. I'm incredibly motivated to keep trying.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  3. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I've been feeling pressure around my right temple and I have felt this once before, when I was deep into my last streak. I'm curious if I can physically feel my brain rewiring or if this is just a coincidence and unrelated.
     
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I had a huge binge relapse over the past couple of days. I feel a little empty because I really started to see huge benefits from quitting, and I'm also feeling impatient to get back on track.

    As soon as school ended, I got obsessed with video games again and that's the only thing that I would do from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I immediately stopped every single one of my habits I worked so hard to develop. I stopped meditating, working out, eating properly, going outside, and journaling.

    I stopped feeling shame when I took the time to forgive myself. I'm not going to let this binge go on any longer. I'm going to re-establish all of my habits and live honestly. I want to feel comfortable with myself, and love myself. I will do everything necessary to quit.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2021
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I've been dreading writing here again because I feel as though over the past 2 months, I've reset all of my progress, but avoiding the issue is going to get me nowhere so here I am.

    I've been hardcore binging porn every few days, and even contemplated acting out P fantasies with escorts. I visited one before, and actually had to think of P while with the girl to stay hard. This was about a year ago, and I no longer have flashbacks about the experience, but as soon as the session finished, I was confident that that was never something that I wanted to do again, and I felt immense shame about doing it at the time. I know that there's no love or connection involved, which is what I really want, but I'm still drawn to the idea out of pure fantasy. I browsed escorts today and had a long PMO session, and I'm afraid that if I don't do anything about my addiction right now, I might turn 20 and still be a full blown porn addict, and possibly even have a problem with escorts. I've always been very drawn to the emotional side of relationships which is why I know for certain that having that kind of problem would make me feel so miserable about my life.

    I'm going to try to sort out all the reasons for why I've been relapsing so much:

    Lack of purpose: I feel that without school I lack something that NEEDS me to dedicate a lot of time and effort to be successful with it. This makes me feel like I have infinite time and that I don't have to force myself to do anything right away, so I wake up and lie in bed without any direction for the day.

    Loneliness: This one is weird, because I self isolate myself when I'm unhappy with myself, and when I PMO, I become incredibly unhappy with myself so I try to isolate myself for the next couple of days which ultimately causes me to relapse more because PMO gives me momentary intense connection. I have to just break the cycle and stick to it.

    Too much stimulation/dopamine: From the time I get up to the time I'm going to bed now, I'm always having some kind of dopamine source such as music, video games, mindless browsing on my phone and laptop, playing piano but not really learning anything new, eating, watching netflix and a few others. What this does to me is that it makes me unable to put on the breaks whenever I get an urge. I have so much less willpower while doing this. The cure to this is that I need to re-implement meditation, working out, cold showers and getting outside everyday. This is how I was successful in having more willpower in the past, and it helped me get through school with very few PMO relapses.

    Self-Hatred: This one is a little sensitive and I really try to avoid thinking about it, but I think that avoiding it is not going to help me get over it. I don't know exactly where it's coming from, but within the past few months I developed some really negative internal dialogue which shuts down any reason for me to ever be happy with myself. It's so difficult to constantly be bombarded by negative thoughts whenever I'm not being the best version of myself, and when it happens, I just want to escape and PMOing quiets my thoughts for the following 2-3 days. I think that bringing back meditation will help a lot with this one, and also getting outside more. Maybe journaling more often will also help with this one. I had 3 journals when I was doing very well this winter. One of them I wrote in every morning to monitor my PMO addiction and motivate myself to not give in. The second one was where I wrote about all the other aspects of my day in, and I would write in this one at night every few days. The 3rd journal was a gratitude journal, and I would write a paragraph about what I'm grateful to have in my life. It become a little exhausting writing 2-3 times a day, so I stopped, but after reading what I had written in those journals, I really think that I was much happier while pushing myself to write. Something that I would write about a lot is just trying to push myself to do things for others, especially when it was something that I had a lot of resistance to doing, or that I really didn't want to do. I think that my lifestyle for the past two months has made a much uglier, selfish person.

    Failure: Because I was doing so well this winter, it's even more demoralizing because I know who I can be, and I'm so far away from that person now. Completely resetting the changes that I've made to my brain has made getting back on this journey incredibly difficult because I feel like even when I put my all into recovering, 3 60ish day streaks was all that I could manage. I'm afraid of getting close to recovery again, and relapsing for some stupid reason. This one is the most counterintuitive because the solution to failure is not to just give up, it's to make changes and then try again.

    P/Wet-Dreams: I remember my dreams very often, and the P dreams that I have are so vivid and I often relapse in them, and I wake up feeling like there's no point to making it through that day because I failed the night. It's stupid, because I have no control over my dreams (or maybe I do but am unaware of how to do it). Journaling when I wake up is helpful for this one because it lets me remind myself that I really didn't do anything wrong.

    Anxiety: I've been relapsing a lot before I apply for work, because I get really bad anxiety from it, and I even want to relapse when I think about hanging out with people I'm not too comfortable with. I recently got a job, and am afraid that I'm going to be a lifeless loser because of how I've been acting the past 2 months. Relapsing makes me feel less anxiety for the next day, but it also makes my anxiety much worse if I try to abstain for more than 4 days. I'm going to just get comfortable being uncomfortable again, and overcome the big humps in this recovery.

    Fear of never recovering: I've always been skeptical of whether or not I would really be recovered when I go a long time w/o any pmo but honestly, I know for certain that I will be happier without it because I've experienced some signs of recovery 2 months ago, and it felt amazing. I want to get back to there no matter what.

    For the next 30 days, I'm going to start counting days again. I don't know if I will write here, but I will certainly write in my private journals. I hope that when I come back here in 30 days, I will be 30 days pmo free!
     

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